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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family having keys & letting themselves in. U or NU?

118 replies

GarlicMonkey · 07/12/2020 19:02

Just reading another thread & in it, MIL had let herself into the OP's house. Made me wonder if this is 'normal'. My sister & I have each others keys but they're for emergencies, we wouldn't dream of just letting ourselves in. My fiancé, on the other hand, everyone seems to have a key to his place & they just walk in when they please. I've had his brother, mother & SIL walk in on me on separate occasions while I've been at his alone. It felt really intrusive & disrespectful because I'm not used to it ever happening in my home.

Is it your normal to give keys to family & allow them to come & go as they please?

YABU - It's normal & I don't mind.

YANBU - No. It's not normal.

OP posts:

jay55 · 07/12/2020 19:34

Have a key to my dads house. I don't live locally and would only use it when staying with him.

veeeeh · 07/12/2020 19:35

Definitely only for emergencies. No way would I enter someone's house with a spare key just because I can. Ugh. Why would anyone do this? And if they did, I'd change the locks pronto.

BorderlineHappy · 07/12/2020 19:36

For my house,no nobody but us has keys.

But his flat is different,he can give keys to whoever he wants.The only thing if you are there on your own just put the latch on.

Just make sure he doesnt give them a key on the sly when you move in together.

alexdgr8 · 07/12/2020 19:36

@Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese

My parents and inlaws have a key each. We leave the front door unlocked so they all ring the bell and walk in and visa versa. If the door was locked they wouldn't just let themselves in though, they'd just wait for us to get to the door.

you leave your front door unlocked. isn't that incredibly risky. what about burglars or worse ?

Finfintytint · 07/12/2020 19:37

We have keys to each others houses but only to be used in an emergency or locked out and it’s never abused. Except for when my closest friend let herself into my house when out and about on a job related enquiry away from home and needed a massive poo] . I let her off as needs must.

Original poster

GarlicMonkey · 07/12/2020 19:38

I lock the door & leave my key in on a quarter turn whenever I'm there now (even if fiancé is there with me). It can't be unlocked from the outside when I do that.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 07/12/2020 19:39

This might sound like an overreaction but I would think twice before marrying into this family. There are clearly boundary issues. And you describe your fiancé's brother as a "control freak narc" If your fiancé doesn't see the issue with his family letting themselves in and out, there will inevitably be other bigger issues down the line that he won't see either.

Proceed with caution. Do you intend to live together before getting married?

Polyxena · 07/12/2020 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 07/12/2020 19:41

@alexdgr8
I don't mean it's always unlocked, I just mean when we're downstairs.
You walk into the livingroom through the front door, so walking in anyone would be face with either me or dh, or both of us.

KARANfromthepta · 07/12/2020 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FrazzledChip · 07/12/2020 19:45

My DF has keys to our house. If we are in, generally he'll ring the bell but has been known to wander in. He does nip in occasionally when we're at work. Normally as we've asked him to look at something but occasionally as he's dropping something in unannounced. DH and I are both fine with it as he never interferes/passes comment on the state of the house etc. He has lived with us in the past so it feels quite natural to have him in the house. MIL does not have a key as she would rifle through every drawer snooping.

Leaannb · 07/12/2020 19:47

I jave keypad locks on the doors. No one has them but the people who live here.

Original poster

GarlicMonkey · 07/12/2020 19:53

@AnotherEmma

This might sound like an overreaction but I would think twice before marrying into this family. There are clearly boundary issues. And you describe your fiancé's brother as a "control freak narc"

If your fiancé doesn't see the issue with his family letting themselves in and out, there will inevitably be other bigger issues down the line that he won't see either.

Proceed with caution. Do you intend to live together before getting married?

Absolutely @AnotherEmma. There are huge issues with his family but I grey rock them & being a gobby 50 year old, I don't ever give in or do anything I don't want to do. They've walked all over fiancé for years & loathe me because I won't let them walk over me too. Toxic as fuck, the lot of them. They've 2 choices now, learn a bit of respect or continue to be ignored. Doesn't bother me either way, but they HATE being ignored.

OP posts:

DeeCeeCherry · 07/12/2020 19:55

I can just see this as an issue raised, fiance cool with it as it's always been the family way, why change it? Narriage goes ahead. Then in a years's time OP is on 'AIBU' or 'Relationships' complaining about the exact same lack of privacy issue, which she'd assumed would just magically resolve itself by virtue of her becoming a wife.

Seen so often on here. However you aren't married as yet OP so you've a chance to tell him. Yet you are here, on MN. That doesn't bode so well. You are engaged to be married, if you haven't and can't discuss this with your husband-to-be, couldn't have just raised it directly with him, then you don't seem to have a balanced relationship.

I can't work out whether you're scared to tell him (!), scared of family, or scared to rock the boat. Whatever the case - You are of a family, you have friends and relatives and colleagues; it's deflection (rather than just chat with your man about it) to ask whether a behaviour is 'normal' when you know via those in and around your life in fact by virtue of being alive, that of course it isnt normal, day to day behaviour.

But if you've no voice on you now you won't have one next year either so that's something to think on. You could be seen as the 'New Rules' person in which case you'll have to stand up for yourself and the privacy you deserve in your own home.

Or hope that his family are reasonable, which would solve the problem anyway

Demitri · 07/12/2020 19:56

My parents, my brother and my neighbours have keys to my house. Non of them have ever let themselves in, apart from when we’re on holiday and they’re house/pet sitting for us. On the other hand, I have keys to my parents house and I let myself in all the time!

AnotherEmma · 07/12/2020 19:57

The issue will be if they try and come between you and DH, and if he lets them.

I'm married to a man with a dysfunctional family and I'm not sure I'd do it again, it's hard work even if your own boundaries are strong! It's not just dealing with the crazy in-laws, it's dealing with DH's dysfunctional behaviours that he's learned from them - not his fault but still an issue.

cardswapping · 07/12/2020 19:58

Not usual. Emergency key holders are different from what you describe.

I see you have discussed already. In the meantime you could pull gag 1 from this and build a crack den. Just to create a positive first impression before tying the knot.

Andylion · 07/12/2020 20:00

I've had his brother, mother & SIL walk in on me on separate occasions while I've been at his alone

Did they say why they were there? That's bizarre.

LindaEllen · 07/12/2020 20:02

I let myself into both of my parents' houses if they know I'm coming. If they don't, I'd knock.
They don't have a key to mine, only DP's brother does, and he always knocks too.

MeadowHay · 07/12/2020 20:03

Hmm I kind of thing there is an in-between to these situations. I have keys to DPs house and they have a set of keys to ours. They're not just for emergencies as we use them when we are visiting each other or dropping stuff of etc. However it's v v rare we would do an unannounced visit and if we did it would normally be to drop something off or maybe see if they fancied a catch up or whatever but if it wasn't a good time off we/they'd go or whatever. So there's a middle ground between 'only for emergencies' and 'turnjng up unannounced frequently and not getting the hint that it isn't a good time to sit and chat' etc. My DH is an immigrant though and in his culture unannounced visiting within extended families I'd perfectly fine and to be expected anyway and the onus is always on a host to accommodate it. As a family we don't practice that to that extreme but I'm sure it's influenced us. OTOH DH's white Brit family on one side of his family is large and close and also ok with, perhaps not totally unnanounced visiting, but calling to check someone is in and turning up 20 mins later type thing. They don't all have keys to each others houses but don't think that makes much difference really.

Crazycatlady83 · 07/12/2020 20:08

My mum has a key but she respects our boundaries and would never dream of letting herself in uninvited!

We had to get the other spare key back from my PIL - they would regularly let themselves into our house with my SIL. Basically used it as an extension of their own home and a great meeting place (half way between them and SIL)

Once they let themselves in, trashed our house, her baby threw up over the sofa and on her clothes so she helped herself to something of mine. With a sickly baby you would think she would take jogging bottoms or something that looked old - nope she took my gorgeous best long silk summer dress. Baby then proceeded to throw up again on her and she then took more clothes of mine, and put the silk dress in the washing machine. Needless to say it wasn’t long when the wash cycle had finished. Didn’t apologise, thought the whole thing was absolutely hilarious when I was cross!

Another time, DS was very young. My mum had come over to clean the house to help us and we then went out for a walk. We were gone about an hour. Came back and the place was a tip - they had let themselves in with SIL and children, ruined the house, had cups of tea / biscuits / food everywhere. Me and my mum both nearly cried!!!

Skysblue · 07/12/2020 20:10

I gave my parents keys but they would never dream of just using them unannounced. They’re for times when they’re coming for a planned visit and I have got stuck somewhere eg traffic and can just say “sorry am late let yourselves in”

Original poster

GarlicMonkey · 07/12/2020 20:11

@cardswapping 😂😂😂

OP posts:

muddledmidget · 07/12/2020 20:11

Members of our families have spare keys for our house but mostly only let themselves in if expected, or in an emergency. However I would add a caveat to that, if any of us noticed a parcel left on the doorstep when we were nearby and had a key, we would open the door and pop it inside to avoid it getting stolen/damaged by the weather, but a text would be sent to say it had happened. Only exception is an aunt who pops in to use the loo if needed when passing by, but would never dream of mentioning the mess the house is left in, and I have the same invitation to use hers (it's on my way to work in a notorious traffic hot-spot about 20 mins away, if the road is closed I can be there for an hour plus)

diddl · 07/12/2020 20:13

"I've had his brother, mother & SIL walk in on me on separate occasions while I've been at his alone."

If they knew that their brother/son wasn't there-then why were they?

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