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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family having keys & letting themselves in. U or NU?

118 replies

GarlicMonkey · 07/12/2020 19:02

Just reading another thread & in it, MIL had let herself into the OP's house. Made me wonder if this is 'normal'. My sister & I have each others keys but they're for emergencies, we wouldn't dream of just letting ourselves in. My fiancé, on the other hand, everyone seems to have a key to his place & they just walk in when they please. I've had his brother, mother & SIL walk in on me on separate occasions while I've been at his alone. It felt really intrusive & disrespectful because I'm not used to it ever happening in my home.

Is it your normal to give keys to family & allow them to come & go as they please?

YABU - It's normal & I don't mind.

YANBU - No. It's not normal.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 07/12/2020 20:14

Each to their own. We rarely lock our doors so people do just walk in. In laws are too far away to just drop by, but if they are staying they’d come and go as they please.
Neighbours sometimes come in and put the kettle on if I’m on the phone. Friends would always just walk in.

TroysMammy · 07/12/2020 20:16

My parents and sister have a key for emergencies or if we go away overnight and they are on cat duty. If my DM wants to drop something off, usually edible, she'll ask if it's ok first.

Luckily my DP's parents live the other side of the world so obviously they don't have a key and I've never met them either.

GAW19 · 07/12/2020 20:19

I have my parents keys (separate houses), they expect me to let myself in. They both live far away from me so don't have a key for our house.
My MIL has a key for our house but she would never let herself in unless she has rang in advance and said she's coming round at a certain time

Whenwillow · 07/12/2020 20:19

We are all quite private in our family. Have keysafe code for my elderly mum, and that's it. How could you ever relax knowing someone could walk in at any time?
It's just DH and I here, and we'll quite often stroll between bathroom/bedroom/laundry room starkers/in underwear after a shower.
I would not like an audience. Nor would I like to walking into my offsprings' homes unannounced, for similar reasons. Homes are for privacy.
@Crazycatlady83 I'm speechless Shock

NoSquirrels · 07/12/2020 20:20

My parents and my MIL have keys to our house, and vice versa. But no one would use it if you were in, just dropping by for a visit - we/they ring the doorbell like everyone else and wait for an answer.

Sometimes if my parents have something to drop off they'd use the key to do that, and leave it inside. Or when my mum was having chemo she used it as a rest stop sometimes while we were out at work, or my dad did if not allowed in the hospital with her because of Covid. My MIL feeds the animals if we're away, etc, I've collected her dog to walk if needed and dropped it back again. It's handy if a DC gets locked out, as there are more people to call to rescue them from the doorstep!

But you need to trust the people who have keys, and you all need to understand the rules of engagement. Tbh I'm sure my MIL probably does a bit of a calculated snoop around like look at paperwork left on the side etc., but I don't mind that too much - I could put it away if I was bothered, and she wouldn't rifle through drawers.

Littleposh · 07/12/2020 20:25

My brother has always had a spare key to my house, nearly 20 years now, and he has never once just let himself in, even when he's been expected and is stuck outside knocking!!

soughsigh · 07/12/2020 20:27

My PIL each have a key and use it to let themselves in when we're expecting them. We gave it to them when DS was born so they could come in when I was nap trapped/feeding him. He's 2 now but it's still easier. I don't think they would let themselves in if we weren't expecting them so I'm happy for them to have it. Although if my FIL was passing on his bike and we weren't in, I assume that he would let himself in for a wee/glass of water but I'm fine with that 😂.

My mum has a key to my sister's house and she abused it (turning up unannounced at 8am when my sister was at work and scaring the bejeezus out of my BIL) so it got confiscated.

Having a key to someone's house is a privilege, not a right.

Calmandmeasured1 · 07/12/2020 20:28

I used to have a set of keys to both of my parents homes but didn't use them (except once in an emergency at my DF's). I also have a sibling's. My other sibling has mentioned giving me a set of their keys so I think I might have to reciprocate. Think it's to do with getting older. 😂

timeforanewstart · 07/12/2020 20:31

I have one to my mums and vice versa and use them if away or if they are expecting us
My mum may come round whilst we are at work and clean for us or take dog out as well .

QuestionableMouse · 07/12/2020 20:33

My mam and sister have keys to mine and will let themselves in. Doesn't really bother me.

timeforanewstart · 07/12/2020 20:34

Also there is no normal or not normal its just what you find acceptable or not

thirstyformore · 07/12/2020 20:34

Think I must be in the minority! I walk straight into my mum's house, I open the door and shout hello at the in laws, and both sets of parents have keys and would come in without knocking. Would probably shout hello. Our doors are always unlocked anyway.....I often come downstairs after working from home to find stuff they've brought on the kitchen table (flowers, eggs, - if it's my mother her dirty washingConfused).

Doesn't bother us

christmasathomeagain · 07/12/2020 20:42

My mil has a key to ours and we have one to hers.

We have never just walked in unknown but she has been to ours. Not often. Worst was through night in emergency when fil was taken to hospital. I woke up (dc was just weeks old) and i had very short nightie on and there was mil at bottom of stairs 😂

Other times she has dropped things round when we were at work, house usually a mess. Mil was always a sahm so her house always clean and tidy. I've always worked and she doesn't appeal how hard it it 🤷🏽‍♀️

AliceMck · 07/12/2020 20:44

My family do this, it’s normal for us. There are boundaries though as we’ve got older and had relationships. My DH has never had a problem with my DPs coming or going but it wouldn’t go down well with one of my SIL so we wouldn’t just turn up and let ourselves in unless we were invited.

Rewis · 07/12/2020 20:44

We 'kids' have keys to parents house and we are allowed to let our selves in 'whenever'. I have a spare meet for my brothers house but that is only for emergencies. My parents have a key to our flat for emergencies.

I would not be comfortable with people letting them selves in to my home. However, if it is what they do in their family and they are fine with it, it's different but ok. When you and bf move in together, then you need to make sure they won't do that.

unchienandalusia · 07/12/2020 20:47

Not normal. No one has a key to my house except us and friendly neighbour for emergencies.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 07/12/2020 20:55

That is sn absolutely enormous (family) cultural gulf Garlic - make sure you agree very, very clearly and beyond all doubt from all parties on where boundaries are before ever moving in together.

That kind of difference in outlook makes you incompatable tovever cohabit or have children together, unless you are both very upfront and honest and get an acceptable to both of you compromise/ non compromise and he accepts your boundaries and make it clear as crystal to his family.

lyralalala · 07/12/2020 20:55

I think the only thing that matters is how you feel about it.

MIL lives here now, but before then her and FIL had keys. BIL has a key. Generally they always text before coming, but they let themselves in. We let ourselves into PIL's house and BIL's old flat.

BIL's GF doesn't like it so we don't do it at their place. It's just about respecting the people who live there and what they want.

BlueCheckedTeatowel · 07/12/2020 20:56

my (amazingly lovely) mother in law had a key to see to our dogs when we worked long days sometimes. however she began randomly letting herself in whenever she was passing. dropping things off etc. she used to babysit on a friday night when the DC were younger 6pm-10pm. She began coming at about 2pm while we were still at work and just letting herself in and waiting as she had nothing better to do. She would then clean up and potter round...making more mess and mayhem than good. DH asked her for the key back and she "didnt know where it was". This went on for over a month so he went into her house while she was out, got it off her key rack and neither of them have mentioned it since! she wont want to admit its gone incase its not DH who has it plus she would have to admit she knew it was hung on her key rack Grin.

MinesAPintOfTea · 07/12/2020 20:56

My mum has a key. In non-covid times she uses it once a week on the days she picks ds up from school (she lives just far away enough that going there and back twice after school would be a pain). If she comes here at another time, she knocks.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 07/12/2020 20:59

Hadn't read all your posts - very glad to read that you're a gobby 50 year old with no problem enforcing your boundaries, not someone who's going to be walked all over Garlic Monkey !

PurBal · 07/12/2020 21:00

Family members have keys and vice versa. But I would never let myself in without permission.

Babymamma192 · 07/12/2020 21:00

When I got married I moved in to dh house...his mum and dad had previously lived with him and moved out while we were on our honeymoon. The day after we got home from honeymoon his dad called round with one of his mates to pick something up. We were in bed and he let himself in!! I was not happy....they don't have a key to our new house.

Spidey66 · 07/12/2020 21:01

No, not at all.

The only time I've had a relative's keys was for my mum's house. That was for the last 6 months of her life-she died of cancer so was either in a lot of pain and/or knocked out on morphine. Even then, I'd ring the bell to warn her.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 07/12/2020 21:03

Nobody who doesn't live in our house has a key - except the cleaner, and she only uses it to clean if we're out, but there are five of us and we each have a key.

I'd hate anyone else letting themselves in.

We give on of two neighbors a key before we go on holiday to look after small pets.