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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family having keys & letting themselves in. U or NU?

118 replies

GarlicMonkey · 07/12/2020 19:02

Just reading another thread & in it, MIL had let herself into the OP's house. Made me wonder if this is 'normal'. My sister & I have each others keys but they're for emergencies, we wouldn't dream of just letting ourselves in. My fiancé, on the other hand, everyone seems to have a key to his place & they just walk in when they please. I've had his brother, mother & SIL walk in on me on separate occasions while I've been at his alone. It felt really intrusive & disrespectful because I'm not used to it ever happening in my home.

Is it your normal to give keys to family & allow them to come & go as they please?

YABU - It's normal & I don't mind.

YANBU - No. It's not normal.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 07/12/2020 21:06

My late mother and I had keys to each other's homes. I never used hers because once I moved out of her house, I rarely came back. But she HAUNTED mine.

I came home once from work and she was sitting in the living room unannounced with my godmother, having invited her round in my absence to partake of a cup of tea. Grin

I suppose everyone has different tolerance levels.

timeforanewstart · 07/12/2020 21:10

Those saying not normal , it may not be normal to you but it is to others. Obviously if your not comfortable with it you don't allow but if your ok with it as the Op partner is then thats fine too.

ReeseWitherfork · 07/12/2020 21:12

I don’t think I have enough fingers to count how many people have keys to my house.
My parents (both sets), his parents, five sets of siblings each and their partners... that’s 26 people. No one lets themselves in unless there is a reason though such as dropping something off, picking something up, possibly helping with the dog. But we barely leave the house so hard to remember how much it happens.

MrsHugsxx · 07/12/2020 21:13

My parents used to have a house key but I used to find them letting themselves in all the time without knocking first and I found it too invasive so after I moved they didn't get a key.

MuchTooTired · 07/12/2020 21:14

My parent have a key for my place and I have a key for theirs. They never let themselves in and neither do I to theirs unless we message first.

My toddlers don’t have the same respect for boundaries, and try the door to find them without knocking or messaging first Xmas Grin

ReeseWitherfork · 07/12/2020 21:15

Oh and any of those 26 people will turn up announced at any time and let themselves in the back door (when we are in, I mean). We generally do that with each other’s houses.

HeronLanyon · 07/12/2020 21:19

Absolutely no way keys in family are to be used other than emergency or by arrangement etc.
When my mum got older (into late 79s/80s even if I arrived at hers a bit early and she was out I’d tend to wander to the shops for a bit - didn’t want her to feel I felt I could just let myself in when she wasn’t there. To do with keeping her independence as it was getting closer to slipping away.
I don’t know anyone who would use keys Willy Nilly.

Polyxena · 07/12/2020 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

billy1966 · 07/12/2020 21:29

@AnotherEmma

This might sound like an overreaction but I would think twice before marrying into this family. There are clearly boundary issues. And you describe your fiancé's brother as a "control freak narc" Confused If your fiancé doesn't see the issue with his family letting themselves in and out, there will inevitably be other bigger issues down the line that he won't see either.

Proceed with caution. Do you intend to live together before getting married?

Well said @AnotherEmma

Many people pass back up keys to family, friends and neighbours (we don't, but lots do) but only the truly rude and uncouth would misuse these keys to walk straight into the home of another with pre-agreement.
This does NOT happen in normal healthy family's.
It screams disrespect.

The fact that he has allowed it continue despite your reservations is not a good sign.
Flowers

Ontheboardwalk · 07/12/2020 21:31

Nope not acceptable behaviour at all

I give my mum 10 mins warning when dropping off the weekly shop. Arms full I still knock before I open the door when I arrive. I wouldn’t mind if she came into my house and vice versa when not there but we wouldn’t do it without a text first

Agree with other posters. it’s overstepping the boundaries and needs to be nipped in the bud

ExclamationPerfume · 07/12/2020 21:32

We all have keys to each others houses (parents,sibling and us). We all walk in but it was all agreed originally.

ReeseWitherfork · 07/12/2020 21:33

This does NOT happen in normal healthy family's. It screams disrespect.
Not my experience.

Gatehouse77 · 07/12/2020 21:57

My sister is the only ’non resident’ who has keys to ours. She’ll use them if she’s dropping something off and we’re out, if she knows we’re busy or it’s quick. That’s if the side door isn’t unlocked which it is for most of the day as we often go in/out that door rather than the front door.

I have keys to hers and use them similarly. My brother is lodging with her and is working in the kitchen (first room you enter from the front door) so I use my keys to not disturb him too.

No one’s overstepped the line so a happy arrangement all round. So, normal for our circumstances.

Lazypuppy · 07/12/2020 21:59

My mum has a key to ours, and i have my key i've always had to hers. In our family you just walk in to peoples homes and shout hello, i wouldn't want it any other way 😊

Rainbowandscarlett · 07/12/2020 22:10

I have a key to a friends house-I wouldn’t dream of just letting myself in-she’ll ask me to pop round to check on the dog if I’m around her way

My mother had a key to my house and it was a nightmare-she’d pop by 2/3 times a day-check my (unopened) Mail,have a nose round and just do whatever she liked

I had to force her to give me the key back-I gave it to my dad without her knowing and he never once came in and had a nose about

I just wouldn’t stand for it

maryberryslayers · 07/12/2020 23:53

My PIL have one. They pick the dog up if we are late home or take milk in etc.
I don't lock my back door if I'm in so they just walk in but mostly call first to make a vague agreement. I don't mind, I'm very boring and usually dressed properly, plus DS is so happy to see them. FIL sometimes nips in to cut the grass while I'm working but just leaves me to it.
It was a bit odd at first, but now it's just normal. I love them though, I suppose it would be different if it didn't!

AgentJohnson · 08/12/2020 04:02

It’s not your home and therefore you can’t dictate who your partner gives his keys to. If his family having keys is disconcerting then you can choose not to stay there.

There’s no point canvassing our opinions because it’s his home and his family. I’d be very wary of thinking such an established dynamic will change overnight when you share a home. Vote with your feet and don’t stay at his and if he questions it, be honest why not.

BefuddledPerson · 08/12/2020 04:13

I answered YANBU but my real answer is 'this is normal and I mind'!

My parents do this with my sibling's family, in and out, in and out, no knocking. I have a lock on the GATE to stop it Grin.

Horses for courses, innit? Think for those who do this and genuinely like it, it must be really nice.

custardbear · 08/12/2020 04:36

That's awful! Imagine e if you were caught in the shower or in bed! Definitely leave the key in from now onwards!

Graciebobcat · 08/12/2020 04:42

Spare keys - Yes.
Let yourself in ever, except in an emergency or when you are given direct permission to (to water plants/feed pets)? No.

LuaDipa · 08/12/2020 08:01

When I lived near dm she had a key. She never used it except to drop in some basics just before we arrived back from holiday. I used to do the same for her. She she would still knock when coming to visit etc and wouldn’t just let herself in. If she happened to see a parcel she would bring it in though. I wouldn’t think anything of that except that she didn’t want it to get stolen or weather damaged.

gannett · 08/12/2020 08:08

I feel like I need to go for a lie down just thinking about family having house keys and letting themselves in uninvited. The absolute horror

Chloemol · 08/12/2020 08:23

We all have keys to our mums and just let ourselves in. I have a key to my sisters and the same ( we are in a bubble) although I knock when her husband is home before going in. I have a key to my other sisters but call before I go, all of them hold keys as spares to each of us.

Lovelydovey · 08/12/2020 08:27

I have keys for my parents and siblings and vice versa. Strictly only for emergencies though (or pre-agreed ie collecting something when someone is out, or plant watering during holidays etc). We always ring the doorbell and wait to be let in otherwise.

FourPlatinumRings · 08/12/2020 08:28

My MIL provided childcare at our house four days a week for over a year. We knew what time she was arriving, she had a key and she STILL knocked and waited to be let in. Just letting yourself in unannounced and unexpected is very weird.