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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family having keys & letting themselves in. U or NU?

118 replies

GarlicMonkey · 07/12/2020 19:02

Just reading another thread & in it, MIL had let herself into the OP's house. Made me wonder if this is 'normal'. My sister & I have each others keys but they're for emergencies, we wouldn't dream of just letting ourselves in. My fiancé, on the other hand, everyone seems to have a key to his place & they just walk in when they please. I've had his brother, mother & SIL walk in on me on separate occasions while I've been at his alone. It felt really intrusive & disrespectful because I'm not used to it ever happening in my home.

Is it your normal to give keys to family & allow them to come & go as they please?

YABU - It's normal & I don't mind.

YANBU - No. It's not normal.

OP posts:

IndieTara · 08/12/2020 08:54

My best friend has a key and I have one to hers but that's it and we never use them unless pre agreed. I'm
Even reluctant to give DD a key as I know her dad would use it to come in and poke around

PuppyMonkey · 08/12/2020 09:03

So glad we have the kind of door where you can put a bolt on.

Run for the hills, OP.

Justnot · 08/12/2020 09:29

Glad I’m not mad too - my DP’s sister bought a flat in same flats as me, I wasn’t happy as I am a miserable introvert. I told him it was weird and single white female ish but he wasn’t really having it. Her and DP’s Mum used to look after our DD one day a week so had keys in case they needed something in an emergency - came home once to sister putting a wash of my clothes on (like I can’t wash my own fecking clothes at 43 years old). Another time the Mum let herself in whilst I was in the toilet and had two friends round for the evening waiting in the living room. I took the keys back after that but DP still acts like I’m weird and miserable (which I may be but that’s another story). Tbf my DD is 12 now so I should have got over it but it’s so lovely to finally vent about it! And am going to show this thread to DP.

floridana · 08/12/2020 09:42

I'm so glad I've found this thread because I've been wondering the same. We haven't given PIL keys to our house but they still barge in at random without knocking. It drives me crazy. I was vacuuming and didn't hear the door open so when I turned round they were there and frightened the life out of me. We hinted we would prefer them to knock and wait or at least call ahead first but fell completely on deaf ears. I've taken to locking the door at all times now, but FIL knocks on the living room window and peers through which I find so invasive but don't want to keep the blinds closed.

Tinselandbaubauls · 08/12/2020 09:47

My daughter has a spare key. We changed our front door to one that locks when closed As my family were forever just opening the door and walking in. My mums house is never locked even when they go out! She doesn’t mind people walking in so thinks it’s fine to walk into other peoples houses.

piglet81 · 08/12/2020 09:50

I’m always staggered to read that people leave their doors unlocked/openable from the outside. Nosy MILs are bad enough but don’t you worry about actual baddies getting in?! Maybe it’s because I’ve lived in London my whole life but I can’t fathom having my house accessible to randoms!

notacooldad · 08/12/2020 09:52

My son has a key to our house. We'll it was his from being a teenager.
He often kets himself in if he is working nearby or will pop round to have lunch.

It doesn't bother me ( unless he eats all my biscuits!!😂)
The only key I have is my friends and that's because I walk her dog.

CaptainVanesHair · 08/12/2020 09:57

I feel so alone in this. We’re very much a walk in, put the kettle on family on both sides. But that’s how it’s always been, and on my side there are no houses bar my new home that everyone hasn’t lived in with the others at some point, including grandparents so maybe that’s why? But I also can see this wouldn’t work for everyone and if anyone was coming in snooping it wouldn’t be ok and keys would be revoked!

drspouse · 08/12/2020 10:00

I have a very weird relationship with my DM but she has a key in case she comes to stay and we are out for the half hour when she arrives (both of these more likely pre-COVID obviously). She doesn't live locally so isn't coming in and rearranging the cupboards.

JustAnotherUserinParadise · 08/12/2020 10:02

my parents and MIL have keys, but would never just let themselves in!
in fact my MIL once arrived early to visit and we weren't back from work yet and she sat in her car outside needing a wee for 30 mins! We said "oh you should have let yourself in" and she said "oh no I couldn't..." etc

VettiyaIruken · 08/12/2020 10:08

It's rude if the person thinks it's rude and it's normal if the person thinks it's normal.

There isn't a single opinion which everyone must have.

It's not wrong to let yourself in to someone's home if that's what they are happy with and it's not wrong to be exclusively emergencies if that's what they're happy with and it's not wrong to not have a key at all.

There's no blanket right or wrong.

DoubleHelix79 · 08/12/2020 10:14

FIL has a key but only uses it if expressly told to do so, or if for example he's been invited but we don't seem to hear the doorbell (even then he'll wait for some time first). My parents live in a different country, so spontaneous visits are not generally a problem.

I'd generally expect to be forewarned of a visit but am very comfortable with others having keys to my house.

billy1966 · 08/12/2020 10:37

@FourPlatinumRings

My MIL provided childcare at our house four days a week for over a year. We knew what time she was arriving, she had a key and she STILL knocked and waited to be let in. Just letting yourself in unannounced and unexpected is very weird.

That's what basic courtesy looks like. Striding into someone's home without knocking or ringing the doorbell is so rude and disrespectful of the privacy of others.

ReeseWitherfork · 08/12/2020 12:13

@CaptainVanesHair Fear not, my family and DH’s family are exactly the same. We haven’t all lived in each other’s houses either, that’s just how we interact with each other. Mi casa su casa.

DdraigGoch · 08/12/2020 13:23

@piglet81

I often leave my front door wide open.

LemonLymanDotCom · 08/12/2020 13:33

I have a key to my mum's, which I only ever use if she's not in, and always with her prior knowledge. But I still ring the doorbell when I go round to visit her, it wouldn't occur to me to just let myself in. Likewise, she has a key to mine for emergencies, and when she comes over to visit me, she rings my doorbell. In fact once or twice I've asked her why she doesn't just buzz herself through the security doors and both times, she's left the key at home.

Letting yourself in without the consent of the residents is just plain rude.

crosstalk · 08/12/2020 19:57

Surely it's up to everyone to decide their rules? If you shack up with someone who has family coming in at all times of day and you don't agree then you need to discuss. I wouldn't like it.

goldenharvest · 08/12/2020 20:05

Normal for us. DM has one and she lets herself in as she does school runs most days. Bit ridiculous to knock at times we are expecting her. If she comes round at other times she calls first to let us know she's coming over. I have a key to her house and let myself in once I've said I'm coming over.

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