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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL has to get involved in everything

109 replies

Leah2016 · 07/12/2020 17:17

Hi,

Don’t know what I hope to gain from this but I just need to vent. Firstly I had my gorgeous little boy last week he is just the sweetest little baby and I’m so in love with him. Don’t get me wrong I’m shattered but wouldn’t change a thing.

For various reasons we had to stay in hospital over night when I had him and the next day when we were discharged DH came to pick us up which I was so excited for as due to covid he wasn’t able to visit while we were on the ward and I was dying to see him. My MIL is lovely but she likes to get involved in anything exciting or any drama that’s happening, other than that we don’t see too much of her but you can guarantee if somethings going on (babys, weddings, new house) she will be the first there or to be getting involved. So to my shock I realised she came to the hospital to pick us up. As soon as we got home she got baby out of the car seat and had the first cuddle. Now I know it’s coming from a good place but I’d explained to DH that I wanted it to just be us bringing him home and introducing him to my daughter etc.

So that kind of irritated me but I got over it....

Fast forward a week day 7 I have the midwife
Coming to visit me just to help with breastfeeding as I’ve really tried hard this time to BF and i won’t lie it’s been a struggle. I asked DH to make sure we had no visitors today as I’m not the kinda girl who will just whip her boob out and I wanted to have time with the midwife who was helping us with baby’s latch etc. Anyway MIL turns up even though I asked husband to tell her not to (he said he did) she lets herself in, so husband takes her into another room well 5 minutes later she barges in and sit on the sofa while I’m trying to ask the midwife for help and feed baby etc. I was really uncomfortable and I think she could tell this, she then starts saying ‘oooo you’ve got a bit of postnatal depression haven’t you’ to which the midwife replied to her saying no she hasn’t and and MIL soon left the room. It made me feel so crap and even the midwife said comments like that are so unhelpful when your obviously just hormonal!

Anyway once midwife left I did tell her I was annoyed and that I’m trying hard with BF and just wanted some time and that I’m not depressed! To which she replied maybe I need some time away from the baby and to have a couple of drinks to relax!!

Now I feel like DH andMIL think I’m a neurotic woman who’s got depression and won’t leave my baby when in reality I’m just a bit tired and hormonal.

Sorry for the rant it’s just made me feel really crap :-(

Anyway AIBU? I’ve told DH I was annoyed by all this and he just says don’t take it out on me. :-(

Xx

OP posts:
HTH1 · 07/12/2020 17:20

Just say you do need a bit of time, but away from MIL not baby. You can still have the drinks Wink

LouiseTrees · 07/12/2020 17:21

Tell him, “why would t I take it out on you? You need to put your foot down with your mother or I will tell her to F off” .

katy1213 · 07/12/2020 17:21

Taking the key off her would be a good start. And I'd tear a strip off her for walking in on what was essentially a medical appointment.

LilyE1234 · 07/12/2020 17:21

I’m sorry, she did what!? Your DH seriously needs to grow a backbone and sort his mother out

GooseWhiskers · 07/12/2020 17:23

Your MIL sounds like a nightmare - how dare she come into the room when you’re with your midwife?? I would have flipped.

YADNBU and you need to tell your DH to grow a pair and tell his mother to give you space.

EKGEMS · 07/12/2020 17:23

First off,congrats on your second healthy baby. You aren't "taking it out" on your husband HE is letting your bitch of a MIL take things out on you-diagnosing you as PND FFS! He needs to grow a fucking spine and stand his ground. What the hell did he say about letting her into the house? What a cowardly,mama's boy you've got

walkerboot · 07/12/2020 17:23

DH needs to back you up here, not say don't take it out on him. It's his mother, he deals with her when she's being an arse. Which she is. Also I'd be taking the keys off her if she thinks it's remotely acceptable to just open the door to your house whenever she fancies.

BackforGood · 07/12/2020 17:26

WEel, if you told your dh you wanted it to be just you and him when you came home from hospital, then - as is said so often on here - you have a dh problem, not a MiL problem.
Why did he pick her up and bring her ? Or even tell her the time you were coming ?
Nothing wrong with a Grandma coming along to the hospital and cuddling the baby if she doesn't know that you didn't want this.

2nd incident is different. Of course she shouldn't have come in if dh explained to her you wanted time with the midwife alone...... however, there is an if there.

How can she 'let herself in' ?? Why would anyone with boundary issues be given their own key ??

FingersCrossedForChristmasAll · 07/12/2020 17:26

Congratulations on your baby Flowers
Firstly why is MIL letting herself in? This is so intrusive. It’s your DH who needs to step up here and put clear boundaries in place. Why are you being made to feel so uncomfortable especially at this time?
YANBU and I’m afraid if I were you I would have told MIL to please leave as I need to speak to the midwife privately and I wouldn’t feel bad about it at all. Don’t let this behaviour continue, it needs to stop now otherwise she will just keep getting worse.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 07/12/2020 17:27

Bloody hell, that was extremely intrusive. She had no business coming in when you were with the MW.

Your DH needs to shape up fast. Tell him that the MW specifically said you do not have depression, but are hormonal but that is 100% normal. However, it means that you need love and support, and privacy and not to have MIL riding roughshod over your wishes.

Tell him that as Dad it is his job, just at the moment, to protect you and be n your side and understand and respect your sensitivities. You are recovering from a significant physical event and ask him how he would feel if you wheeled in your Mum to make comments about him if he had shoved a melon out of his arse and was recovering?

Tell him that his role now is husband and father first, and son to his Mum second.

Meanwhile congratulations on your gorgeous baby and good luck with the breastfeeding and latch.

LightDrizzle · 07/12/2020 17:27

She’s fucking out of line with her “Ooh! If you don’t like people coming round and barging in when you’ve specifically requested they don’t and you’ve got your wangers out, you must have post-natal depression” shite.
Your DH needs a kick up the arse too, the wet lettuce. Lock your door and if she has a key, ask for it back, telling her you can’t be doing with her letting herself in.
If she isn’t careful, you will end up being annoyed by her breathing, she’s being very silly.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 07/12/2020 17:30

And tell your DH that the MW said, without you saying anything, that your MILs intervention and comments were unhelpful.

You are a woman who has just given birth - he needs to take notice.

KatieGGGG · 07/12/2020 17:30

You have a DH problem.

PrayingandHoping · 07/12/2020 17:31

1 Take the key off her so she can't let herself in!

  1. Have a firm convo with your DH that is mum needs to butt out! What on earth was he thinking letting her come to the hospital? And why on earth didn't he tell her to leave when the MW was there

He needs to man up

mineofuselessinformation · 07/12/2020 17:33

Every time she appears, take the baby and go upstairs. Say you want privacy to feed baby.
Leave 'D'H to deal with MIL and other children.

Topseyt · 07/12/2020 17:34

I think you have to start being a lot more direct with her, and yes, blunt. Entering the room uninvited while you were with the midwife was very rude and presumptuous, never mind the uninvited and stupid comments. You would have been wholly justified in telling her to leave.

You say that she let herself in. Why does she even have a key to your house? She doesn't need one surely, and even if you have decided that she can have one she should at least knock before letting herself in.

I'd be tempted to tell her now "you came round when you had specifically been told that it would be inconvenient and to cap that you simply let yourself in and intruded on my appointment with the midwife. Therefore, please give your key back to us now."

If you don't nip this in the bud she will continue and it will get worse.

My parents and my MIL never had keys to our house. Spare keys were of course always provided if they came to stay and were helping to look after my children, but they had none of their own.

Redlocks28 · 07/12/2020 17:36

You have a DH problem. If he’s not going to put you first, that’s really not good.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/12/2020 17:37

First things first, dh needs to get that key back!

Leaannb · 07/12/2020 17:40

Next time ise your own voice and tell MIl now os not a good time and when it is you will invite her

Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2020 17:41

I would be reading your husband the absolute riot act. How dare he let his mother get away with that nonsense. He had best get his priorities straight.

SnackSizeRaisin · 07/12/2020 17:41

Tell DH that if he doesn't get her under control it's going to ruin the relationship between you and mil probably forever. It's better to put in some boundaries now, than to feel permanently resentful about how she behaves at this time.

Cavagirl · 07/12/2020 17:45

Why does she have a key to your house????

Crazycatlady83 · 07/12/2020 17:45

Congratulations on the birth of your DS! Sorry to hear BF isn’t going as you want it too and I hope you are getting good support from your midwife.

Good grief, honestly what is wrong with some DH and MILs (and I am coming from a place of knowing exactly what you are going through) Mg MIL is completely bonkers and DH took a lot of persuading to put me and my DS first when he was a baby. I’m sorry you have to put up with this when you have just given birth.

Firstly take the key off her! Don’t answer the door to her and unplug the doorbell.

It’s hard in the early day, but you need to be firm but I appreciate you might not have the energy to summons up.

SharedLife · 07/12/2020 17:48

@LouiseTrees

Tell him, “why would t I take it out on you? You need to put your foot down with your mother or I will tell her to F off” .
This
Heatherjayne1972 · 07/12/2020 17:50

She let herself in? No no no. Remove her key and/ or lock the door Close the curtains

You definitely need to lay it out to dh that you need time and space with his mum hanging around
You’re finding your feet as is baby - totally normal And I bet you’re a fab mum too.