MIL has to get involved in everything

[Leah2016]

Hi,

Don’t know what I hope to gain from this but I just need to vent. Firstly I had my gorgeous little boy last week he is just the sweetest little baby and I’m so in love with him. Don’t get me wrong I’m shattered but wouldn’t change a thing.

For various reasons we had to stay in hospital over night when I had him and the next day when we were discharged DH came to pick us up which I was so excited for as due to covid he wasn’t able to visit while we were on the ward and I was dying to see him. My MIL is lovely but she likes to get involved in anything exciting or any drama that’s happening, other than that we don’t see too much of her but you can guarantee if somethings going on (babys, weddings, new house) she will be the first there or to be getting involved. So to my shock I realised she came to the hospital to pick us up. As soon as we got home she got baby out of the car seat and had the first cuddle. Now I know it’s coming from a good place but I’d explained to DH that I wanted it to just be us bringing him home and introducing him to my daughter etc.

So that kind of irritated me but I got over it....

Fast forward a week day 7 I have the midwife
Coming to visit me just to help with breastfeeding as I’ve really tried hard this time to BF and i won’t lie it’s been a struggle. I asked DH to make sure we had no visitors today as I’m not the kinda girl who will just whip her boob out and I wanted to have time with the midwife who was helping us with baby’s latch etc. Anyway MIL turns up even though I asked husband to tell her not to (he said he did) she lets herself in, so husband takes her into another room well 5 minutes later she barges in and sit on the sofa while I’m trying to ask the midwife for help and feed baby etc. I was really uncomfortable and I think she could tell this, she then starts saying ‘oooo you’ve got a bit of postnatal depression haven’t you’ to which the midwife replied to her saying no she hasn’t and and MIL soon left the room. It made me feel so crap and even the midwife said comments like that are so unhelpful when your obviously just hormonal!

Anyway once midwife left I did tell her I was annoyed and that I’m trying hard with BF and just wanted some time and that I’m not depressed! To which she replied maybe I need some time away from the baby and to have a couple of drinks to relax!!

Now I feel like DH andMIL think I’m a neurotic woman who’s got depression and won’t leave my baby when in reality I’m just a bit tired and hormonal.

Sorry for the rant it’s just made me feel really crap :-(

Anyway AIBU? I’ve told DH I was annoyed by all this and he just says don’t take it out on me. :-(

Xx

• stand up for me - not stand up for her that should say!

@lazylump72

OP before you diagnose yourself with PND ..take a look at the arseholes you have in your life. You sound totally fine to me and all you need is support and love and kindness from your dh which you arent getting. I know you will be the best mum to your little one and I know you will be ok going forward but not if you dont do something to rectify this situation. You need to get angry,you should be so bloody angry you raise the roof off the house.This man and his MIL have zero respect for you and if you want the is marriage to last you either make them or you sit and suffer forever more,Value yourself my darling you deserve so much more.Tell them how its going to be if they dont listen then they loose.I would go to your parents for a break and support and I would do this immediately.Think on your options and see if you can make a better life for yourself .This man seems determined to destroy you and undermine you at every turn,not even listening when you try to speak ...there is a great old saying relating to this...When someone shows you who they are believe them...your dh has a terrible attitude frankly with so little respect for you its heart breaking to read. I know its hard to hear but you need to shock him into next week you really do. I am really sorry you are in this dreadful situation..please dont be trapped here forever...

I agree with this, OP. You deserve better, and if you were my DD I'd have you home in a shot to take care of you and baby.

I 'had' a MIL like that, she was a sexual health nurse as well, worked in the midwife bit of the GP and my 'EX' H was a mental health nurse so everything I did was analysed! I ended up sticking up for myself and ditching the control freaks! Congratulations on your little one, take control and tell her to do one....post natal depression comment is horrific, what if you actually did. I now have a very sexy BF and my 3 rd baby on the way! Xx

@Leah2016

Thanks everyone read a lot of those messages with tears in my eyes. Just feeling so fed up didn’t want to be dealing with this when all I want to do is enjoy my baby! :-( Married talking to DH again this morning and said about it being paternity leave and not holiday his reply was ‘well for the 9 months of your maternity leave I don’t expect you do do anything you enjoy then just sit and take care of the baby’ so obviously I’m not going to get anywhere! Also told him he should have stood his ground and told MIL not to come into the room yesterday and he said she just had my best interests at heart.

Fighting a loosing battle I think :-( going to get myself and baby dressed and go for a walk to clear my head.

Now starting to worry I am getting PND as can barely speak without bursting into tears. :-(

Thanks again for messages it’s nice to have people understand where I’m coming from and not think I’m crazy x

Anyway MIL turns up even though I asked husband to tell her not to (he said he did)

She clearly doesn't have your best interests at heart because both you and he had asked her not to show up during the midwife appt. She turned up because she wanted to. Not because it was best for you.

You need to start getting blunt. You need X. It doesn't matter what she thinks you need, if it's not X, then it's not what you need.

You're not interested in what she wants at the moment. You're entitled to be selfish when you have a new baby. What matters at the moment is what you want, and you want X.

As for his paternity leave, when he's looking after the baby for half the day and half the night, then yes... maybe he can go and visit his friends in the other time if he still has the energy. How much has he actually done with the baby so far?

And I suggest you bring your mat leave to a close a month early, swapping it for him taking a month of parental leave. Otherwise childcare will always be 'your job', and you'll be the default parent evermore...

You have both a DH and a MIL problem. Get the key back from MIL today, either DH asks for it or if she (god forbid) turns up unannounced you ask her for it directly. If she refuses or questions why you simply say “I’ve asked you to respect my boundaries but you have shown that you are unable to do so.”

Love and strength to you OP, the newborn days are a slog even without unsupportive arseholes around you.

Congratulations on the baby. Can I just add, if she has a key and won't give it back, lock your door and leave the key in so she can't get in. And change the locks. If she doesn't have one just keep the door locked and shut the curtains. Why the hell is she coming anyway, unless you are in Tier 1 she can't come in anyways!! And the bursting into your appointment was down right beyond rude, the midwife could of been checking stitches or something down there! I think you should just load this up and hand it to him to read

Can you go and stay with your parents or a friend for a while? Give yourself some space to focus on yourself and your new baby for a bit without your unsupportive 'D'H and your MIL upsetting you.

Packing your bags and going away with baby for a few days might give him the sharp shock he needs to realise how unreasonable he has been, and his mother.

Barging into your midwife appointment is just unbelievably rude. Pregnant women and new mothers have as much right to private medical appointments as everyone else does, the baby doesn't mean you are no longer entitled to medical privacy. Who the fuck does she think she is and why can't your DH see how wrong this is?

You've just had your DH’s baby and he said not to take it out on him, re his mother. Is he a wet wipe?

Your mil is bang out of order.. DHneeds to sort her.

So he expects you to do nothing (except look after the baby) for the next 9 months.... I'd be holding him to that.... no food or laundry etc... see how that works for him