MIL has to get involved in everything

[Leah2016]

Hi,

Don’t know what I hope to gain from this but I just need to vent. Firstly I had my gorgeous little boy last week he is just the sweetest little baby and I’m so in love with him. Don’t get me wrong I’m shattered but wouldn’t change a thing.

For various reasons we had to stay in hospital over night when I had him and the next day when we were discharged DH came to pick us up which I was so excited for as due to covid he wasn’t able to visit while we were on the ward and I was dying to see him. My MIL is lovely but she likes to get involved in anything exciting or any drama that’s happening, other than that we don’t see too much of her but you can guarantee if somethings going on (babys, weddings, new house) she will be the first there or to be getting involved. So to my shock I realised she came to the hospital to pick us up. As soon as we got home she got baby out of the car seat and had the first cuddle. Now I know it’s coming from a good place but I’d explained to DH that I wanted it to just be us bringing him home and introducing him to my daughter etc.

So that kind of irritated me but I got over it....

Fast forward a week day 7 I have the midwife
Coming to visit me just to help with breastfeeding as I’ve really tried hard this time to BF and i won’t lie it’s been a struggle. I asked DH to make sure we had no visitors today as I’m not the kinda girl who will just whip her boob out and I wanted to have time with the midwife who was helping us with baby’s latch etc. Anyway MIL turns up even though I asked husband to tell her not to (he said he did) she lets herself in, so husband takes her into another room well 5 minutes later she barges in and sit on the sofa while I’m trying to ask the midwife for help and feed baby etc. I was really uncomfortable and I think she could tell this, she then starts saying ‘oooo you’ve got a bit of postnatal depression haven’t you’ to which the midwife replied to her saying no she hasn’t and and MIL soon left the room. It made me feel so crap and even the midwife said comments like that are so unhelpful when your obviously just hormonal!

Anyway once midwife left I did tell her I was annoyed and that I’m trying hard with BF and just wanted some time and that I’m not depressed! To which she replied maybe I need some time away from the baby and to have a couple of drinks to relax!!

Now I feel like DH andMIL think I’m a neurotic woman who’s got depression and won’t leave my baby when in reality I’m just a bit tired and hormonal.

Sorry for the rant it’s just made me feel really crap :-(

Anyway AIBU? I’ve told DH I was annoyed by all this and he just says don’t take it out on me. :-(

Xx

I think some grandparents, probably those who don't have hobbies or very interesting lives, do behave like parasites when it comes to grandchildren. As for all the "she's just excited, it's because she loves the GC" love isn't an excuse to treat the mother like crap.

I second changing the locks or a bolt on the door if you think she'll just get new keys cut. The poster who suggests that your DH wants to delegate his responsibilities as a new father to his mother could well be spot on. He needs to be read the riot act.

Kudos to the midwife for sticking up for you shame your husband isn't the same

My mil used to be the same, until my husband plucked up the courage to stand up to her. Not sure if it's the same but he was scared of upsetting her so in the process would upset me.
Defo take the key off her and lock yourselves in so she can't let herself into your home. Take some control back off her.
Things are now better with mil. Was a little rocky for about a year while we stuck to our guns and she learnt to step back.

Thanks everyone read a lot of those messages with tears in my eyes. Just feeling so fed up didn’t want to be dealing with this when all I want to do is enjoy my baby! :-(
Married talking to DH again this morning and said about it being paternity leave and not holiday his reply was ‘well for the 9 months of your maternity leave I don’t expect you do do anything you enjoy then just sit and take care of the baby’ so obviously I’m not going to get anywhere! Also told him he should have stood his ground and told MIL not to come into the room yesterday and he said she just had my best interests at heart.

Fighting a loosing battle I think :-( going to get myself and baby dressed and go for a walk to clear my head.

Now starting to worry I am getting PND as can barely speak without bursting into tears. :-(

Thanks again for messages it’s nice to have people understand where I’m coming from and not think I’m crazy x

Hope you are feeling ok. You are absolutely not crazy! You need to get this sorted now if you can or you will be dealing with similar issues in the future.

Lots of great advice on this thread but totally agree that First off, get your MIL’s key back, or put the door on the chain/latch so she can’t just come in.

Tell your DH he needs to support you and set boundaries. Non negotiable. Her motivation/having “best interests at heart” are completely irrelevant. What is important is how her actions are making you feel.

Every time she comes round when you don’t want her to be there, take yourself and the baby upstairs to your bedroom. Every time. Until the message gets through.

Good luck. X

I have no idea how these weak, pathetic men even procreate tbh.

Yanbu one bit.

Oh what a shit husband and pathetic man. He's not even trying to see anything from your point of view.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
Your midwife sounded good, I think you should ring her and just tell her everything and ask her to come and knock some sense into him.

Do you have any family or friends around you?

Is your MIL someone you can actually talk to? If your midwife cant come and you dont have anyone else I would talk to her about it. If she really does have your best interest at heart then telling her how invaded you feel by her collecting you from the hospital and coming in when you were with the midwife might actually help. And telling her how horrible her sons been and how you've tried asking him to talk to her but he just says it's not his problem and he's spending all his time with his friends and not helping you. If she really does care about you and her grandchild is there a chance she would have a word with him?

I know my MIL can overstep but she would definitely feel bad if I told her that she was upsetting me and she'd give DH a thick ear for half of what your husbands done!

Don't let them convince you that you've got pnd.Youre crying because you're stressed and upset because of them!

Every time she comes round when you don’t want her to be there, take yourself and the baby upstairs to your bedroom. Every time. Until the message gets through.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Do NOT sacrifice your mental health to being quiet or a people-pleaser. You’re a mum and you just can’t afford to do that (I think you said this is your second, so I know you know this but you’re so overloaded with hormones and you’ve got no support so it’s so hard to remember).

As for PND... it’s difficult to say sometimes. How many people would cry if they were one week postpartum and being undermined by their husband and getting no support from him? Probably most women, and they do! It’s a normal reaction! It may still be PND, but it seems more and more PND starts with an unsupportive partner, unfortunately. So to protect yourself and give your baby a happy mum, you do whatever you need to do. That’s your new mantra: “I’m doing what I need to do.” If he won’t say something to his mum, you’ll have to. If he won’t take the key off her, you’ll have to. If he won’t see things for what they are, YOU’LL have to. And you can do this. For you and for your happiness and for your children, you can do it. And if you cry, you cry! Where’s the shame? It doesn’t make you “crazy” (which isn’t really a term anyway). You gave BIRTH a week ago and these people are refusing to not only help you, but actively ignoring what you say would help you. So who the fuck cares what they (your husband, his mum) think? You are human and being pushed to your limits. Crying is so natural.

I feel for you , my mil. Insisted on coming and taking my little boy when I had had baby number 3 , I. Didn't need or want this , I think she saw it as a way to muscle in then my dh discussed a health issue I had with her behind my back . I completely flipped my lid and stopped all this . Thank God he saw the error of his ways and didn't do it again

Wtf?! Will she be going to his medical appointments with him 'to help'.

No wonder you're upset.

I agree if your DH doesn’t step up this will be marriage ending. It’s not just your pushy MiL and the fact he doesn’t see how terrible her behaviour is, but he seems lazy too. What an awful combination for you when you have a newborn.

I had this same situation with my MiL using a key to let herself in every day. I asked my husband a few times to tell her to stop using the key and to call to check before coming round but he wouldn’t. He thought she was being excited but nice. It took the mother of all arguments where I flipped out, packed my bags and baby left for a week, called him and his mother all names under the sun for him to realise that if he didn’t step up the marriage would be over.

Could you get someone to speak to your DH? Does he have any dad friends that you could talk to to have a word?

Can you go and spend a few days with your family OP just to kind of reset how you feel and get some space?

It doesn't come from a good place and she doesn't mean well. I hate it when people try to excuse this kind of behaviour.

What a dick your 'D'H is being! This is going to set a pattern of behaviour, sadly, unless you frankly set out your boundaries, it happens so often. The way he is speaking down to you about being "emotional/hysterical" is honestly just misogynistic.

Is he looking after the baby between swanning around like he's on annual leave? If not, I'd start going for a shower with the door locked for 15 mins or going for 10 mins walk around the block with a simple "right I'm off for 10 mins". It's tough to do (I did it, so I do know).

Harness some of those hormones and get some righteous anger going!

Congratulations on your baby, OP

OP before you diagnose yourself with PND ..take a look at the arseholes you have in your life. You sound totally fine to me and all you need is support and love and kindness from your dh which you arent getting. I know you will be the best mum to your little one and I know you will be ok going forward but not if you dont do something to rectify this situation. You need to get angry,you should be so bloody angry you raise the roof off the house.This man and his MIL have zero respect for you and if you want the is marriage to last you either make them or you sit and suffer forever more,Value yourself my darling you deserve so much more.Tell them how its going to be if they dont listen then they loose.I would go to your parents for a break and support and I would do this immediately.Think on your options and see if you can make a better life for yourself .This man seems determined to destroy you and undermine you at every turn,not even listening when you try to speak ...there is a great old saying relating to this...When someone shows you who they are believe them...your dh has a terrible attitude frankly with so little respect for you its heart breaking to read. I know its hard to hear but you need to shock him into next week you really do. I am really sorry you are in this dreadful situation..please dont be trapped here forever...

Can you speak to your MIL?
If she dismisses you, and this is ALL about dismissal of your life, feelings and rights, and if she doesn't give the key back, you need to change the locks AND put a bolt on the door.
You as a person is not being listened to or validated. This will lead to hell.
Sop being a people pleased and as a PP mentioned, develop some righteous anger and channel that anger productively.
Good luck.

"are" not being listened to.

Oh, OP, you and your precious new baby deserve so much better than this. He has shown you that you and his child are not his priority; choosing to do as he pleases during paternity leave instead of supporting you to adjust to parenthood and choosing not to take this short opportunity to learn what he can and bond with his new baby. To add insult to injury he is allowing his mother to interfere in what is very private for most people when he should be the first person to have your back.

I'm not surprised you are upset. But don't let them convince you that you are unwell or crazy. I'm so angry on your behalf. How fucking dare they. Please talk to your midwife and tell her what is going on and that you are worried about it all leading to PND. Hopefully she will give your H a kick up the arse to help him realise he is being a cunt. If it fails I would seriously be considering my options re leaving.

Your husbands an arsehole. His view that women expressing their feelings post birth and asking for help is hysterical/depressive or an inability to cope shows some deep rooted sexism and misogyny IMO.

You're doing amazingly well. You should be proud of yourself.

Would be interesting to see how a man would ever cope with the flood of hormones, physical injury and psychological upheaval caused by birth.

Congratulations! I would say no more visits for at least a month. You are not doing anything wrong (quite the opposite) and you don’t need to start bringing doubt on yourself. Just enjoy your baby and family time.

Even if someone does have your best interests at heart it doesn't mean they can't be called out on their behaviour

Is there anyone you can talk to who can relay the message to your Dh and or/MIL? Your SIL or your Mum or a friend? You need someone fighting your corner.

You said no one in the room, neither your Dh or MIL listened to that. Ask him how he would feel if he had his pants round his ankles and your friend came in as she only has his interests at heart. I couldn't breastfeed in front of my PIL at all. Mortifying.

The key needs to be taken back. No visitors means no visitors. Feel free to put a sign on the door.

You are crying because no one is listening to you. It is frustrating. You are not crazy. You have every right to be angry at your Dh as he isn't doing as you asked.

I think you have a husband problem.

He shouldn’t be using his paternity leave for anything other than helping you and spending time with your new baby. It isn’t a 2 week holiday to spend seeing his friends (is he 12?!), you need help and it’s his job to do that right now.

He also needs to stand up to his Mother. She shouldn’t have a key to your house and she shouldn’t just be inviting herself over when you’re recovering from birth. It’s almost as if she’s forgotten how the postpartum stage actually feels... She needs to back off.

That’s not PND, that’s PUWHS (Putting Up With His Shit) I’m saying His, because he has no intention of growing up, telling his Mum to pull her head in and fuck off, and man up and realise he’s a Dad.

Shut this down right away. She’s testing what you will put up with and if you let her she will have everything her way. My mil was similar and it ruined the first few months of my ds1s life. I did end up developing postnatal depression which was largely down to her and her intrusive behaviour and my husbands inability to stand up for her. I got fed up of it and stood up to her myself. She is still involved but is aware that she isn’t in charge of me and my sons now and when I had ds2 I put my foot down that this time would be different and it was so much better. I only wish I’d done it sooner.