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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL has to get involved in everything

109 replies

Leah2016 · 07/12/2020 17:17

Hi,

Don’t know what I hope to gain from this but I just need to vent. Firstly I had my gorgeous little boy last week he is just the sweetest little baby and I’m so in love with him. Don’t get me wrong I’m shattered but wouldn’t change a thing.

For various reasons we had to stay in hospital over night when I had him and the next day when we were discharged DH came to pick us up which I was so excited for as due to covid he wasn’t able to visit while we were on the ward and I was dying to see him. My MIL is lovely but she likes to get involved in anything exciting or any drama that’s happening, other than that we don’t see too much of her but you can guarantee if somethings going on (babys, weddings, new house) she will be the first there or to be getting involved. So to my shock I realised she came to the hospital to pick us up. As soon as we got home she got baby out of the car seat and had the first cuddle. Now I know it’s coming from a good place but I’d explained to DH that I wanted it to just be us bringing him home and introducing him to my daughter etc.

So that kind of irritated me but I got over it....

Fast forward a week day 7 I have the midwife
Coming to visit me just to help with breastfeeding as I’ve really tried hard this time to BF and i won’t lie it’s been a struggle. I asked DH to make sure we had no visitors today as I’m not the kinda girl who will just whip her boob out and I wanted to have time with the midwife who was helping us with baby’s latch etc. Anyway MIL turns up even though I asked husband to tell her not to (he said he did) she lets herself in, so husband takes her into another room well 5 minutes later she barges in and sit on the sofa while I’m trying to ask the midwife for help and feed baby etc. I was really uncomfortable and I think she could tell this, she then starts saying ‘oooo you’ve got a bit of postnatal depression haven’t you’ to which the midwife replied to her saying no she hasn’t and and MIL soon left the room. It made me feel so crap and even the midwife said comments like that are so unhelpful when your obviously just hormonal!

Anyway once midwife left I did tell her I was annoyed and that I’m trying hard with BF and just wanted some time and that I’m not depressed! To which she replied maybe I need some time away from the baby and to have a couple of drinks to relax!!

Now I feel like DH andMIL think I’m a neurotic woman who’s got depression and won’t leave my baby when in reality I’m just a bit tired and hormonal.

Sorry for the rant it’s just made me feel really crap :-(

Anyway AIBU? I’ve told DH I was annoyed by all this and he just says don’t take it out on me. :-(

OP posts:

Nymeriastark1 · 07/12/2020 22:08

@BrummyMum1

I’d be saying to DH “get rid of your MIL or I’m getting rid of you”. Who the fuck tells a mother with a 7 day old baby to chill out with a drink and have time away from their tiny child! She sounds absolutely awful.

Agreed. She said it because she clearly wants the baby alone without op there to play with her new doll.

EKGEMS · 07/12/2020 22:09

My second comment on here because your husband is mistreating you to the point you should tell him he's coming close to breaking your marriage up-leaving you with the children to go out and socialize-does he have any redeeming qualities? You have a newborn.baby. God almighty I should get on my hands and knees and thank god for the man in my life

Onadifferentuniverse · 07/12/2020 22:13

That disgrace of a man is absolutely vile.

Please don’t put up with this op. We all get one very short life. His priorities are himself and his mother you clearly come a lot lower on his list and that is wrong.

You should be appreciated and he should feel grateful. He’s gaslighting you and manipulating stuff which is abusive.

Please see if you can get to somewhere where you have some support before you start questioning whether you really do have a problem or not.

justilou1 · 07/12/2020 22:22

Your DH and MIL are both arseholes. Can you take baby to your own mum’s?

AriesTheRam · 07/12/2020 22:23

Your dh is being a cock.Dh spent his paternity leave with me and his newborn son and he did all the night feeds.Thats not me bragging btw I'm just saying I don't think your dh is being fair on you.

Fudgsicles · 07/12/2020 22:32

Spell it out that paternity leave isn't annual leave, the stupid idiot clearly cannot tell the difference and this time off work is for him to help his wife and children out, not appease his mother and go off galavanting around fgs! What a selfish twat.

I'd have been VERY annoyed at the intrusion with the MW too. In fact I had something very similar with my exMIL. My health visitor had arrived and I needed her to checkmy boobs too as they were sore and ILs rocked up at the same time and plonked themselves on the sofa, clearly had no intention of moving and as we had a very small house I had to take the HV upstairs so I could have a private conversation. When she left MIL made a comment like the HV was the inconvenience, not them. I pointed out I had wanted to see her as it was an appointment and I had things to discuss.

BluebellsGreenbells · 07/12/2020 22:38

You need to tell you DH that his only jib at this time is to look after you.

I would also speak to him about how you fee without mentioning his mother - this is about you not her! Believe me this thought is a revelation!

I wasn’t happy because I wanted time with the midwife
I’m not happy you plan to do x when you should be doing Y
I need to to be here to help with x

Change the language

lazylump72 · 07/12/2020 22:40

Do not ask for the key back OP...firstthing tomorrow get a locksmith in and change the locks. Tell dh there are 2 keys to this house mine and yours if anyone else has one I will keep doing this and you will keep paying until you understand. I agree with everyone else you do have a husband problem. The only way MIL is so involved is because of him opening his big gob and telling her things..he needs to learn to shut upand your business is private until you both agree otherwise. I wish you well you really do not need this shit from him and her and I am really sorry you are dealing with this.

lazylump72 · 07/12/2020 22:44

I would also be asking him whats more important your happiness and the kids happiness with him or would he rather loose you all and end up back at home with his mum? Tell him the choice is his to make as you cannot and will not be so disrespected anymore. No one is sayin gnever see MIL or she isnt welcome as part of the family but she has to know her place and be invited on pre arranged terms that work for everyone especially you...

Sh05 · 07/12/2020 23:00

I feel so frustrated for you op!
I hope you have had some nice cuddles with baby and are feeling better.
Please don't let them wear you down with their talks of pnd, it's perfectly normal to feel weepy as your hormones are all over the place.

LouHotel · 07/12/2020 23:00

I'm really sorry this is happening because quite frankly your DH is a twat.

Paternity is there to support mums and babies as prior to its existence you would actually spend 10 days in hospital of where you would get to rest, help with feeding and be surrounded by people to help you. That is his job and if he cant do it is there anyone who can look after you? Are your parents in the picture as i would be packing up and staying with them if he cant function as a parent.

I've had post natal depression so even if in 10 days time you dont feel better its nothing to be ashamed of but baby blues is very natural and calling you mental does nothing to help the situation, you'll be due a HV appointment soon please speak to them 1 on 1 about the lack of support. He needs a kick up the arse from someone.

TommyShelby · 07/12/2020 23:00

Is there somewhere else you could go with baby OP? Because your H and MIL are an absolute pair of clowns and they need to realise that their behaviour is damaging. You need to be able to focus on you and your baby in an atmosphere of support, not being undermined like this

Nat6999 · 08/12/2020 00:22

My ex mil was the same, we didn't get out of hospital until 7.30pm so managed or so we thought to get home under cover of darkness. 9.00am the next morning mil is banging on the front door, she either had the house bugged or must have had supersonic hearing to have heard us from round the corner. I had been in nearly a week with 3 days in high dependency, no sleep for most of that time & not much the first night home as ds didn't settle. Dh tried to tell her that it wasn't convenient as the midwife was due, she turned around & went home only to arrive with fil in tow whose first words to me were "get the kettle on" My advice is get a bolt on the front door & a Ring doorbell so you can ignore it if it is her, make your boundaries now & stick to them.

GrumpyHoonMain · 08/12/2020 00:35

@Leah2016

Hi,

So that kind of irritated me but I got over it....

Now I feel like DH andMIL think I’m a neurotic woman who’s got depression and won’t leave my baby when in reality I’m just a bit tired and hormonal.

Sorry for the rant it’s just made me feel really crap :-(

Anyway AIBU? I’ve told DH I was annoyed by all this and he just says don’t take it out on me. :-(

Your mil sounds like my mum. Honestly the only thing that worked was leaving to my room to breastfeed and locking the door. I’d often let DS clusterfeed for hours and left her talking to DH or watching the TV. If she’s normally nice then I wouldn’t be any ruder than that.

GrumpyHoonMain · 08/12/2020 00:37

@Leah2016

Thank you everyone I can’t tell you how much it means to hear I’m n it crazy and that you agree with was wrong.

I’ve come up to bed early tonight with baby and I’m going to have a good cry and a cuppa. Just feel that they are ruining my lovely newborn bubble and I agree with you all who have said it’s my DH too! I’ve tried to speak with him today and he just makes out in crazy and if I start to tear up he makes out I’m loosing the plot! He’s in paternity leave and spent quite a bit of it like it’s just annual leave catching up with friends, nipping anout, doing as he pleases while I sort the kids out and today when I asked him not to go out with his friend on Thursday as he had planned he said I’m the one being strange not wanting him to leave me and it’s like I can’t cope! When really I just want to make the most of this time with our newborn.

God I’m fed up. Definitly need to put my foot down. I’m quite a quiet person and usually avoid confrontation so it makes it difficult as I often do just let people walk all over me :-(

Anyway for tonight baby cuddles will cheer me up. And thank you again your comments really mean a lot and are reassuring xx

Talk to him in front of the mw / hv. Some men need to hear how thick they are from a professional. My DH, in the early days, tried to undermine my breastfeeding efforts, and a sharp reminder from my mw that it was my decision to make (and not his) sorted him out.

justilou1 · 08/12/2020 01:24

Also, I would definitely insist on getting the bloody key back. Your house, your baby, etc. You are being minimised and diminished left, right and centre.

justilou1 · 08/12/2020 04:38

I just remembered this one! My mum (she’s now dead, so not a problem anymore, thank goodness!) tried to book flights for my kids aged 3,3 & 5 to fly alone from where we were living in the Netherlands to stay with her in Australia. The first thing we knew about it was her incensed phone call because the airline wouldn’t take the booking a) without an adult to supervise them, and b) without passport numbers. She was further enraged when we assured her that she would never have been given these numbers by us or permission to even drive the kids in the car, let alone have them unsupervised for any period of time. (She was an abusive parent, for a start...)

user1471565182 · 08/12/2020 05:17

Jesus wept tell that little boy of a husband to sort his bloody mother out. Is he 6 years old?

user1471565182 · 08/12/2020 05:26

This 'she means well' stuff drives me mad. She means nothing except inserting herself into some drama to the detriment of OP.

Pumkinseed · 08/12/2020 05:35

I’ve tried to speak with him today and he just makes out in crazy and if I start to tear up he makes out I’m loosing the plot!

what kind of reaction is that? his wife has just given birth and it's normal to be hormonal. How nasty.

also, why did he take paternity leave? have you asked him.

and get MILs key back.

I also think you need to stand up for yourself a bit more. The situation with the MW and the MIL is just not on.

where is your family? Maybe you could go there for a bit to recover from birth and mull over things. Would also have the added benefit of not being in the way of DH holiday paternity leave.

Mamamamycorona · 08/12/2020 05:39

You can take it out in him because he's allowed his mother to stomp all over your boundaries, at your most vulnerable. It's so hard, but unless you set firm rules now, it gets worse.

I had similar with my own mother, I had to hide my second birth as she tried to gate crash my first and rang me constantly throughout my long and traumatic labour, before ringing my husband when I didn't answer. She's been banned a few times, for having zero respect for our choices and had her key taken away, for randomly letting herself in. She has improved over the years, but it's always hard work!

NewtoHolland · 08/12/2020 05:56

Saying you've got post natal depression in front of your midwife is such a nasty vindictive thing to do!
Your DH needs to stand up for you and set some boundaries with his Mum.

Girlzroolz · 08/12/2020 05:59

Sounds to me like he deep down thinks babies are ‘womenz work’, which means he’s actively encouraging his mum to get involved. He’s also hoping to crow-bar her into the important bits (like homecoming and hv appointments). He probably figures once you’ve got his dear mum to hang with and ‘help’ you, he can bugger off and properly enjoy his paternity leave on the town.

It might not be this, but on the information given it seems a bit likely!

Someone needs to tell him very firmly that it’s called Paternity Leave because you leave work, not your home. Other than lockdown or recovering from a broken limb, these are the weeks in life that you generally leave home the least!

rainbowstardrops · 08/12/2020 06:07

Firstly, congratulations on your new baby!

I was pretty open mouthed when you said how your MIL came to the hospital, took baby out of his car-seat, gatecrashed your MW appointment etc but wtf is your 'D' H all about???!!!!
You've just given birth to his son and he's telling you you're losing the plot?!!!
I'd have bloody lost the plot right there and then and kicked him in the balls!
Stupid prick

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/12/2020 06:12

Can you schedule an appointment with the HV when your husband is there so she can read him the riot act? How dare he treat you like this. This is the sort of behaviour, which if not dealt with can end a marriage.

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