MIL has to get involved in everything

[Leah2016]

Hi,

Don’t know what I hope to gain from this but I just need to vent. Firstly I had my gorgeous little boy last week he is just the sweetest little baby and I’m so in love with him. Don’t get me wrong I’m shattered but wouldn’t change a thing.

For various reasons we had to stay in hospital over night when I had him and the next day when we were discharged DH came to pick us up which I was so excited for as due to covid he wasn’t able to visit while we were on the ward and I was dying to see him. My MIL is lovely but she likes to get involved in anything exciting or any drama that’s happening, other than that we don’t see too much of her but you can guarantee if somethings going on (babys, weddings, new house) she will be the first there or to be getting involved. So to my shock I realised she came to the hospital to pick us up. As soon as we got home she got baby out of the car seat and had the first cuddle. Now I know it’s coming from a good place but I’d explained to DH that I wanted it to just be us bringing him home and introducing him to my daughter etc.

So that kind of irritated me but I got over it....

Fast forward a week day 7 I have the midwife
Coming to visit me just to help with breastfeeding as I’ve really tried hard this time to BF and i won’t lie it’s been a struggle. I asked DH to make sure we had no visitors today as I’m not the kinda girl who will just whip her boob out and I wanted to have time with the midwife who was helping us with baby’s latch etc. Anyway MIL turns up even though I asked husband to tell her not to (he said he did) she lets herself in, so husband takes her into another room well 5 minutes later she barges in and sit on the sofa while I’m trying to ask the midwife for help and feed baby etc. I was really uncomfortable and I think she could tell this, she then starts saying ‘oooo you’ve got a bit of postnatal depression haven’t you’ to which the midwife replied to her saying no she hasn’t and and MIL soon left the room. It made me feel so crap and even the midwife said comments like that are so unhelpful when your obviously just hormonal!

Anyway once midwife left I did tell her I was annoyed and that I’m trying hard with BF and just wanted some time and that I’m not depressed! To which she replied maybe I need some time away from the baby and to have a couple of drinks to relax!!

Now I feel like DH andMIL think I’m a neurotic woman who’s got depression and won’t leave my baby when in reality I’m just a bit tired and hormonal.

Sorry for the rant it’s just made me feel really crap :-(

Anyway AIBU? I’ve told DH I was annoyed by all this and he just says don’t take it out on me. :-(

Xx

Without his mum hanging around

1. Take the Kay off your MIL

2, tell your husband to tell his mother not to visit unless asked while you get into a routine

If she turns up just say it’s not appropriate at the moment and do 5 jet her in.

You need a long discussion with your husband on how you feel and what you want to help over the next few weeks whilst you get into a routine

Alternatively can your mother come and stay?

I think this is a classic example of women's bodies being public property when they've had a baby. She's using the baby as an excuse to trample over your boundaries.

Tell DH you and the baby will go and stay with your mum if he doesn't shape up.

congratulations on your baby.

right now your job is the baby, otherwise you'll exhaust yourself. his job is dealing with everything else.

she means well, although the PND comment is awful. first thing is to take her key off her and set boundaries for visits in your home - DH can do that. if she struggles with the idea make sure you're fucking DH on the kitchen table next time she lets herself in, it'll never happen again. sometimes its the only way with people like that.

in all seriousness, tell DH to back her off. you need some time off from her, not the baby.

I’d be saying to DH “get rid of your MIL or I’m getting rid of you”. Who the fuck tells a mother with a 7 day old baby to chill out with a drink and have time away from their tiny child! She sounds absolutely awful.

Your husband needs to stand his ground and tell her not to be so intrusive. I’m sure she means well and is very excited about her new grandchild but it’s not an excuse.

Mil was similar when I had Dd. I admit things were hard. My older child at the time was going through some health issues and due to start school so I had that to deal with plus DD’s very difficult birth and recovery after a c-section amongst other things. So I admit that the first few weeks were really emotional. Mil (and admittedly my mum too) just turned up as they pleased telling me what to do despite that this was my second child (oldest isn’t her bio grandchild tho), telling me I feed wrong, dress her wrong, lay her down wrong!! Mil basically diagnosed me with post natal depression herself (being the medical expert she is 🤣). I don’t think I have pnd, even if she did it wasn’t her place to tell me that.

so tell her. are you mute?

Tell the cunt to fuck off and her unhelpful offspring can go with her.

I agree. Tell him to tell his mother you need space and not to come round unannounced.. or else you will be doing it and perhaps not as politely as he would.
You are not unreasonable in the slightest that was massively invasive of her... medical appointments are private not some social event.

Another vote for fuck off. And she’s not lovely.

Your MIL sounds like a nightmare- you poor thing. Someone like that is the LAST thing you need.
You need to tell your DH one last time that MIL isn't to pop round and he needs to make sure that happens- if it doesnt, you don't have PND at the moment, but it will push you into PND because you will feel like you aren't being listened to or respected.
I also recommend you start putting latch on the door so she can't come in even if she has her own key. That way if she continues to refuse to respect the boundaries DH needs to be putting in place, then she can be told on the door step through the door: sorry DM/MIL this isn't a good time at all. Please come back later/tomorrow/never.... because this sounds so awful.

Agree with PP - MIL should not have a key to your house.

It sounds as though you may have a DH problem. He needs to be more worried about upsetting you than about upsetting his mummy.

She's a cow. I think you are going to have to start locking your door so she can't let herself in. Congratulations on the baby.

Firstly take the key off her. Don't give her notice of this, as she may cut a key on the sly (my aunt did this after being given our key to check on the house while we were away). Keep your front door locked. And I'd be laying into her - the appt was a medical appt, she had no right to do what she did. If you did have PND or were struggling then her presence and behaviour could have prevented you from asking for the help you need. I'd be distancing myself.

Your husband is the problem here ultimately. You’ve just had a baby and he’s showing you literally no respect.
What an arsehole.

Can you take your daughter and baby to your parents to stay for a while op?

I honestly would.

Thank you everyone I can’t tell you how much it means to hear I’m n it crazy and that you agree with was wrong.

I’ve come up to bed early tonight with baby and I’m going to have a good cry and a cuppa. Just feel that they are ruining my lovely newborn bubble and I agree with you all who have said it’s my DH too! I’ve tried to speak with him today and he just makes out in crazy and if I start to tear up he makes out I’m loosing the plot! He’s in paternity leave and spent quite a bit of it like it’s just annual leave catching up with friends, nipping anout, doing as he pleases while I sort the kids out and today when I asked him not to go out with his friend on Thursday as he had planned he said I’m the one being strange not wanting him to leave me and it’s like I can’t cope! When really I just want to make the most of this time with our newborn.

God I’m fed up. Definitly need to put my foot down. I’m quite a quiet person and usually avoid confrontation so it makes it difficult as I often do just let people walk all over me :-(

Anyway for tonight baby cuddles will cheer me up. And thank you again your comments really mean a lot and are reassuring xx

She really isn’t a lovely MIL she’s a shit stirrer. Her son, your husband, is a bigger problem though because no matter how difficult or annoying she is it wouldn’t be a problem if he had your back and told her to fuck off with her unhelpful attitude. He needs to check his priorities. And ffs get that key off your stupid boot of a MIL.

Gosh he's useless! Ask him what paternity leave is for. Ask him what he's done so far that is 'paternity leave'.

It's to look after you, your other children and the baby so you can recover from the birth, so he can get to know his baby, and reassure the other children that they are not pushed out. Also to look after the house, so things ar manageable when he goes back to work.

If anything he's doing doesn't contribute to that list, then he's doing it wrong.

@ArnoJambonsBike

Tell the cunt to fuck off and her unhelpful offspring can go with her.

👍👍👍

Your MIL is out of line it takes time to establish feeding and stress will not help that! I also suggest joining your local breastfeeding support group on Facebook they often have zoom sessions set up where you can speak to a qualified breastfeeding counsellor who can help. Your doing fab!

As for your "DH" sorry but this makes my blood boil the point of paternity leave is definitely not to go out with his mates it's to support you! Do all the things you would, take over when you need a nap etc etc.

You definitely are not being crazy telling him not to go out I would have gone ape if my husband said anything similar in fact I know he wouldn't. It's his responsibility to parent and help out not go out with his bloody mates!

Don’t take it out on me.....what’s that supposed to mean?

This is a classic case of you don’t have a MIL problem you have a DH problem.

His the parent, it’s his responsibility too. Tell him to grow some balls!

"I’ve tried to speak with him today and he just makes out in crazy and if I start to tear up he makes out I’m loosing the plot!"

He sounds vile. You've just had a baby you're allowed to be emotional. Is his cow bag mother in his ear feeding him that you're depressed and losing the plot? I'm just suspicious like that through my own experience.

Put your foot down. As for him having a great time with his paternity leave, remind him what it's for! To help you and the baby.

Your husband need to pull his head out of his arse.

He brought his mummy to pick you up from the hospital and allowed her to walk in on you with the midwife with your boob out?!

You've just had a baby, he's meant to have your back. He's on paternity leave to help you, not see his pals!

Could you explain to him, you've just given birth, it's hard physically and mentally, you need him to support you and HE will make you ill by not doing that and by allowing his mother to be overbearing and inappropriate.

You need to stand up for yourself aswel though. When she came in and sat down with the midwife there I'd have told her you're clearly busy and she needs to leave. And if she didn't I'd have shouted "DH can you get your fucking mother, you know the midwife is here to help me breastfeed, it's really quite important and your mother breathing on my tit isn't helpful!"

Can you go stay with your mum or anyone. Tell him that he and his mum are going to make you ill and are making it hard to look after yourself and your baby so you're going to stay with someone that will actually be respectful and he can let you know when he's ready to be a father and husband.