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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have lied to the police?

140 replies

Efftwentytwenty · 06/12/2020 21:28

Sorry for the long-winded post!

Little backstory- was friends with someone we'll call 'A' for around a decade. Saw her through a lot of things, and got put through a lot of situations that would normally end a friendship. But, her friends always left and so did her boyfriends, so I remained the one constant- no matter what.
She found herself a new boyfriend and at first he seemed really lovely. I've been with my DH (was boyfriend at the time) for almost 8 years and we've never actually liked one of her boyfriends enough to socialise with them together, but this one seemed really nice. He treated her well, she treated him well, and it looked like it was going to work out great.

We decided to double-date, which ended up as a night out. My DH and I don't really drink, so my husband agreed to be our designated driver and the idea of a night out is usually hell for us, but we wanted to make an effort so we went along with it. Getting ready together, brilliant. A drink before we left, no problem. The drive there, the mood was great. Then, as soon as we were walking from the first bar to the next, A's boyfriend purposely barged into a plus-sized woman who, like I would have done, asked what his problem was. He shouted 'what are you going to do, fatty?'. A laughed it off, but my DH and I were mortified. Being plus-size myself, I've been in those situations and it is absolutely degrading.

Bar number two. My DH and I were talking on the side of the dance floor whilst A and her boyfriend danced. A came over, face like thunder, screaming at us that we were leaving. Turns out her boyfriend had started pushing about another guy on the dance floor, trying to provoke a fight. We upped and left. They made up outside, but my DH and I were completely put off the idea of staying out anylonger. A's boyfriend apologised, said he'd stop acting up, and we headed to the third and final bar.

Whilst there, my DH and I just couldn't shake off this bad vibe. We decided at around 12.30am that we wanted to go home, so told A and her boyfriend, and offered them a ride home. They declined and said they wanted to stay out, so I made sure they had money for a taxi and said goodbye.

My DH and I walked to the car, about 10 minutes away, and headed home. Around 5 minutes in to the drive, I had a call from A who was screaming and crying. Said her boyfriend had been arrested because he'd been assaulted. She was in pieces. So, we turned around and picked her up. He was walked off by police, in handcuffs, and taken to the local station. She was a drunken mess and walked to the station, so I walked with her to keep her safe. My DH drove and met us outside with flat shoes and coats. She tried smashing the glass at front of the station, laid on the floor causing a scene and was threatened with arrest by an officer. She finally caved and got in the car, and we drove her home. I got her cleaned up, in her pyjamas and into bed, then locked up and hid her key, then text her where it was for the morning.

Around a month later, I got a call from an unknown number. It was a police sergeant asking if I can talk him through the events of that night. I walked him through the night and he said 'so can you confirm you witnessed A's boyfriend acting in self defence?' I was confused and said no, we left and had a call 15 minutes later saying he'd been arrested. He said he was told by A that both DH and I had witnessed her boyfriend being assaulted, and him throwing one punch in his defence. I confirmed that this was wrong, and that we were both not there. He said he'd needed me to make a formal statement at the station, along with my DH, and that it was important that neither of us spoke to A or her boyfriend regarding this.

Two days later, we went to the station and were shown CCTV of the night in question. We were asked to confirm if we could see A and her boyfriend on the CCTV, which we did. Then we were asked where we were; I showed him the text I'd sent DH from the toilets saying I wasn't comfortable with the vibe and wanted to go home, and then the incoming call from A later on.
We were shown CCTV of A's boyfriend throwing a punch to a younger male who immediately fell to the floor. The sergeant told us that this guy was on his first ever night out and was left hospitalised for days. We were told that A's boyfriend had targeted this male for no reason, and now that they've been caught lying the case was even more serious.

A didn't message, call, drop by.. nothing, for a couple of months. Nothing else seemed to come of it for a while, until I received a letter with the outcome of the case. A's boyfriend was found not guilty and the charges were dropped by the CPS. I sent her a message saying if she wanted to catch up, to let me know. It ended with a huge argument about her being 'embarrassed, stood up in court to give evidence and being asked why her best friend would say she's a liar'. I remained firm in that I had never called her a liar, but said that her statement putting DH and I at the scene was incorrect. She blew up at me and said I should have had her back, and it's since come out that he was actually acting in self defence. We haven't talked for months since, but we crossed paths recently and I sent her a message just to say I hope things are going well for them now. I've just been ignored and it's really getting me down, and I feel like I was in the wrong.

OP posts:
ThePinkGuitar · 07/12/2020 07:49

Absolutely agree with above.
OP in the nicest way please work on your self esteem you deserve better friendships than this toxic one.
You sound kind and considerate please don’t sell yourself short.
Work and yourself, your boundaries and then find some likeminded friends more similar to you.

Tomorrowisanotherdayyouknow · 07/12/2020 07:52

You say you are not chasing her but several of us think you are - it certainly appears that way.

Also "I've just been ignored and it's really getting me down, and I feel like I was in the wrong." You have been ignored because she is a user and has no 'current use' for you. You are a grown adult woman - you told the truth so how on earth can you have done anything wrong. You need to accept you are an adult now. This woman is in the past stop messaging her. Leave it be and move on - unless you haven't told the true story here and it is massively changed.....forget her and get on with your life.

Crustmasiscoming · 07/12/2020 08:03

Utterly ridiculous. This is one of the most toxic friendships imaginable. She is not your friend AT ALL. You can do so much better.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 07/12/2020 08:16

I feel for you, OP. It’s an unpleasant place to be - being a people pleaser and always feeling you’re in the wrong.

I’m concerned this ‘friend’ has now gotten involved with the charity you’re involved with - it can only be deliberate and motivated by her being angry with you (she clearly struggles with boundaries, too, except she oversteps)

Watch your back

Eckhart · 07/12/2020 08:28

Leave her behind. Her drama is her downfall, and your silence is your dignity.

JohannaSpyri · 07/12/2020 08:29

I would have called it a night after A's boyfriend assaulted the woman in the street and shouted her down and insulted her
To be honest, I can't get past how you and dh carried on with the evening after that
Agree. Why did you and your dh carry on hanging out with a bloke who assaulted and verbally abused a woman in the street as if you condoned it?

CallmeAngelina · 07/12/2020 08:29

All her other friends have left, you say?
Hmm.

HappyChristmas29 · 07/12/2020 09:04

You did the right thing definitely. It sounds like neither of them can handle their drink. But her boyfriend sounds like an asshole. Hopefully she’ll come to her senses. I went out with a similar guy. Really nice when sober and soon learnt he was a complete dick when drunk which was quite often. Took me a while to get out the relationship but I did and it was the best thing I ever did.

Backtotheplanetofthegrapes · 07/12/2020 09:07

She is going to bring more hassle and grief into your life, if you insist on staying friends with her.

You said in the OP that she had put you through many situations that would end a friendship.

Spend time with people who enhance your life, not the opposite!

MummyofTw0 · 07/12/2020 09:14

Youre better rid of her. Shes just causing you drama

Lavenderfieldsofprovence · 07/12/2020 09:22

You need to dump your friend, she and her boyfriend are going to bring bring trouble to your door.

It’s a good job you had the sense and integrity not to lie to the Police. not sure what will have happened at court. He wouldn’t have been found not guilty AND cps drop the charges, it would have been one or the other. This new partner of her is clearly bad news. He’s lucky he didn’t kill the lad he punched. Many males have died from single punch injuries. Next time it’ll probably be her he’s punching.

I think you’d be well within your rights to tell her you don’t want to be friends anymore. She sounds like a pain in the arse.

HeeHawSeeSaw · 07/12/2020 09:27

You are not supposed to lie to the police and I wouldn't have done either. You need to find stay away from them - they sound like trouble, and will land you in shite just to save themselves.

Dastardlythefriendlymutt · 07/12/2020 09:44

She is not your friend and you are well rid.

I'm shocked with all that evidence and lying he was found not guilty

GabsAlot · 07/12/2020 20:36

cps cant drop charges and it still goes to court-they obviously thought they had enough to prove guilt but they didnt in the end

Wellpark · 07/12/2020 20:40

Trying not to sound unkind but you have been a doormat to this nutcase for years. Let it lie and stay away from her.

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