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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have lied to the police?

140 replies

Efftwentytwenty · 06/12/2020 21:28

Sorry for the long-winded post!

Little backstory- was friends with someone we'll call 'A' for around a decade. Saw her through a lot of things, and got put through a lot of situations that would normally end a friendship. But, her friends always left and so did her boyfriends, so I remained the one constant- no matter what.
She found herself a new boyfriend and at first he seemed really lovely. I've been with my DH (was boyfriend at the time) for almost 8 years and we've never actually liked one of her boyfriends enough to socialise with them together, but this one seemed really nice. He treated her well, she treated him well, and it looked like it was going to work out great.

We decided to double-date, which ended up as a night out. My DH and I don't really drink, so my husband agreed to be our designated driver and the idea of a night out is usually hell for us, but we wanted to make an effort so we went along with it. Getting ready together, brilliant. A drink before we left, no problem. The drive there, the mood was great. Then, as soon as we were walking from the first bar to the next, A's boyfriend purposely barged into a plus-sized woman who, like I would have done, asked what his problem was. He shouted 'what are you going to do, fatty?'. A laughed it off, but my DH and I were mortified. Being plus-size myself, I've been in those situations and it is absolutely degrading.

Bar number two. My DH and I were talking on the side of the dance floor whilst A and her boyfriend danced. A came over, face like thunder, screaming at us that we were leaving. Turns out her boyfriend had started pushing about another guy on the dance floor, trying to provoke a fight. We upped and left. They made up outside, but my DH and I were completely put off the idea of staying out anylonger. A's boyfriend apologised, said he'd stop acting up, and we headed to the third and final bar.

Whilst there, my DH and I just couldn't shake off this bad vibe. We decided at around 12.30am that we wanted to go home, so told A and her boyfriend, and offered them a ride home. They declined and said they wanted to stay out, so I made sure they had money for a taxi and said goodbye.

My DH and I walked to the car, about 10 minutes away, and headed home. Around 5 minutes in to the drive, I had a call from A who was screaming and crying. Said her boyfriend had been arrested because he'd been assaulted. She was in pieces. So, we turned around and picked her up. He was walked off by police, in handcuffs, and taken to the local station. She was a drunken mess and walked to the station, so I walked with her to keep her safe. My DH drove and met us outside with flat shoes and coats. She tried smashing the glass at front of the station, laid on the floor causing a scene and was threatened with arrest by an officer. She finally caved and got in the car, and we drove her home. I got her cleaned up, in her pyjamas and into bed, then locked up and hid her key, then text her where it was for the morning.

Around a month later, I got a call from an unknown number. It was a police sergeant asking if I can talk him through the events of that night. I walked him through the night and he said 'so can you confirm you witnessed A's boyfriend acting in self defence?' I was confused and said no, we left and had a call 15 minutes later saying he'd been arrested. He said he was told by A that both DH and I had witnessed her boyfriend being assaulted, and him throwing one punch in his defence. I confirmed that this was wrong, and that we were both not there. He said he'd needed me to make a formal statement at the station, along with my DH, and that it was important that neither of us spoke to A or her boyfriend regarding this.

Two days later, we went to the station and were shown CCTV of the night in question. We were asked to confirm if we could see A and her boyfriend on the CCTV, which we did. Then we were asked where we were; I showed him the text I'd sent DH from the toilets saying I wasn't comfortable with the vibe and wanted to go home, and then the incoming call from A later on.
We were shown CCTV of A's boyfriend throwing a punch to a younger male who immediately fell to the floor. The sergeant told us that this guy was on his first ever night out and was left hospitalised for days. We were told that A's boyfriend had targeted this male for no reason, and now that they've been caught lying the case was even more serious.

A didn't message, call, drop by.. nothing, for a couple of months. Nothing else seemed to come of it for a while, until I received a letter with the outcome of the case. A's boyfriend was found not guilty and the charges were dropped by the CPS. I sent her a message saying if she wanted to catch up, to let me know. It ended with a huge argument about her being 'embarrassed, stood up in court to give evidence and being asked why her best friend would say she's a liar'. I remained firm in that I had never called her a liar, but said that her statement putting DH and I at the scene was incorrect. She blew up at me and said I should have had her back, and it's since come out that he was actually acting in self defence. We haven't talked for months since, but we crossed paths recently and I sent her a message just to say I hope things are going well for them now. I've just been ignored and it's really getting me down, and I feel like I was in the wrong.

OP posts:
eaglejulesk · 06/12/2020 23:10

You did the right thing. Honestly I'm going to add my voice to those saying you should ditch this friendship. She sounds like nothing but trouble. If someone asked me to lie to the police to protect their volatile boyfriend that would be enough for me to move on.

Efftwentytwenty · 06/12/2020 23:12

@WinterWhore please read my last comment. I'm not chasing her in the slightest.

OP posts:
liveitwell · 06/12/2020 23:12

She sounds like a prick. As does he.

Good riddance. You don't need people like that in your life.

Arthersleep · 06/12/2020 23:15

She should not have out you in that position, although It could be possible that she might not have recalled the event with any accuracy and just assumed or thought that you were there if she was drink. Either way, even if you afforded her the benefit of the doubt, she should be apologising for putting you in that situation. Her BF sounds terrible and that would be reason enough to walk away.

AutoIncorrect · 06/12/2020 23:16

She set you up to lie to police and would happily have let you perjure yourself. How can you still feel sorry for her?

ilhahih · 06/12/2020 23:19

She's a fucking nightmare. Trouble follows her around.

Do not message her again wanting to catch up. Why the fuck would you want to catch up with her? She told lies to the police and wanted you to back her up. Fuck that.
Both she and her boyfriend are violent and aggressive.

Delete her number so you are not tempted to "catch up" with her again.

user1481840227 · 06/12/2020 23:23

By the sounds of it he probably got assaulted first after provoking the other person to do it. He sounds like an utter scumbag. He had already provoked the lady at the first bar, had she been out with a boyfriend or brother or someone then it's likely they might have reacted in anger and assaulted him....then he tried to provoke another fight on the dance floor.......then someone assaulted him out of nowhere and he reacted in self defence? I doubt that very much.

He might have got away with it in a court of law but it's clear as day that he's an arsehole who goes out looking for trouble so I wouldn't want anything to do with either of them!

400rabbits · 06/12/2020 23:25

If you work for an organisation which she's a client with, I think you should speak to your manager and explain that for personal reasons you can't work with her

ClaireP20 · 06/12/2020 23:27

It's not friendship lovely, it's codependency. A strange bond forms when you've both had some tough times, and helped each other out. I do understand it, but i think now is a good time to be strong and force yourself to move on, and away, from this friendship x

Mamanyt · 06/12/2020 23:43

You absolutely were not in the wrong, and, had you lied and CCTV proven you to have been lying, could have been charged as well! Look, that old saying about "but a good friend will help you hide the body" IS JUST A JOKE! You were being a friend when you made sure she had cab fare home at the club. You went above and beyond when you and your DH made sure the drunk idiot got to the police station and had flat shoes and a coat. How dare she expect you to lie for her? How dare she???

Time to cut that connection. Hard, fast, and forever. When she (and she will, I promise) comes to you whimpering, "But I'm not with him anymore!" your answer is, "No, but he's the latest in a long line. You need the kind of help that's way above my pay grade."

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 06/12/2020 23:49

A's boyfriend purposely barged into a plus-sized woman

A’s BF lost me right there, as did A because she didn’t try to stop him. Let alone her wanting you to commit a criminal offence (perjury) that could ruin your life, enabling a violent man, being an aggressive drunk herself.

She’ll run after you as soon as she needs your help again. But you’ll run away faster if you have any sense.

Twillow · 06/12/2020 23:55

You did the right thing 100%. It's a shame he wasn't convicted.

VenusTiger · 06/12/2020 23:57

You're fighting this with yourself over a "friend" who only wants you when she needs you OP. CCTV on the entrance/exit would've confirmed you were not there during the 'scuffle' anyway, so you'd have been done for lying to the police. It's that simple and she knows it - just dented pride (she said she was embarrassed) and that's why she won't contact you - she knows she was in the wrong here.
I don't know why you're bothering with her anyway, she's a burden to you and also to your DH - it's not just you putting up with her, it's him too, and now he's having to see you go through the pain of the "relationship" (one-sided) ending, all on her terms too!!
Get on with life OP, she doesn't deserve you. The part about you checking they had enough money for a taxi surprised me tbh - lovely, kind gesture on your part, but you're putting yourself in a position where you feel needed by a friend, and I don't think that's healthy for either you or the friend. Let it go.

Shingleballs · 06/12/2020 23:57

Seeing as the pair of them are still together, there is still plenty more drama where that came from.
Avoid and block if you don’t want it in your life.
You are not free mop up for these headcases.

MyMajesty · 06/12/2020 23:59

to try and understand if I was in the wrong for not having her back because that's how I've been made to feel.

It's how A wants you to feel but she can't make you feel it.
A has been completely unreasonable and has expected you to act unlawfully, which could have resulted in you and your DH being charged.

See her for what she is and stop thinking she has the power to 'make you feel' anything.

Skye99 · 07/12/2020 00:16

Honestly, I feel you’re better off without her, and I don’t often say that.

RegretnaGreen · 07/12/2020 00:17

Stop being a people pleaser OP. You suffer as a result of allowing people to force their own agenda on you or looking like you will allow it. Had you got out at the point he barged the lady, said this isn't the sort of evening you want and left at the first sign he is a cunt, you wouldn't be going through this emotional turmoil. What if she has slipped, hit her head on a curb and died? He would have murdered her and yet you carried on spending time with him? Holy shitballs OP come on! Just so you can maintain a friendship with someone that is happy to spend time with a dick like that? Raise your bar and start to walk away at the first sign, not the second or the third.

CharlotteRose90 · 07/12/2020 00:48

Fuck no did you do anything wrong. Their a pair of lying idiots. I had a friend once on a night out that pulled a guy and then the next morning said he assaulted her. She made a statement saying I had witnessed him spiking her and dragging her back to the hotel. I cut her off quicker then anything after making a correct statement

jessstan1 · 07/12/2020 00:52

You were absolutely right not to lie to the police and you didn't call your friend a liar, you were not there when the altercation happened.

As it turned out, it appears her boyfriend was acting in self defence and walked free. You weren't to know though.

Just leave it. Regardless of this incident, he sounds flipping awful and you can do without friends like that. She'll get by.

Harleyquinniwish · 07/12/2020 00:58

But you didn’t Call her a liar at court ? The friend made you out as a liar - if you’d have gone along with it - without even a ‘heads up’ and Cctv evidence that you clearly weren’t there !!

Block, avoid and cut out of your life - that’s no friend x

Feedingthebirds1 · 07/12/2020 00:58

OP please read this It Wasn't Your Fault

Are you trying to over compensate for your childhood? Having been told everything was your fault, you're desperate not to behave in any way that might put you in the wrong, you fall over yourself to do The Right Thing every time?

That's what made you tell the truth to the police. You couldn't lie, didn't want to, because you knew it wasn't the right thing to do. But by doing so, your 'friend' is angry at you because you didn't do what she expected you to so in her eyes you did the wrong thing. And that puts you in a quandary. You couldn't do the 'right thing' by both of them, so it's made you uncomfortable.

Please accept the views of everyone on this thread that you did do the right thing. It may not have suited her, but you did the right thing legally and morally, and you protected yourself and DH. If you're desperate not to be wrong in anyone's eyes, you're missing the point that you are doing wrong to yourself. Being there for someone is fine, but not at what would have been a potentially very great cost to you and DH. Whether it's this event or any other.

I suspect that you feel you are at the bottom in life's pecking order, because of what's happened to you. It was all your fault so you must be the lowest of the low. But you're not. You never were. For a start, your abuser(s) is/are so far down they should be feeling the flames of hell. And your friend is not much better. She only wants you as a friend because she can do any old shit and you're still there, waiting for the next helping. But there's a difference between being a good, nice person, and a doormat. Try to have confidence in yourself that you can be the former without being the latter.

expat101 · 07/12/2020 00:58

Life is tough enough as it is without these two in yours. You clearly didn't enjoy yourself from the get-go, you owe her nothing.

I feel sorry for the young man who he was found not guilty of assaulting and agree with a PP that he very likely initiated the trouble.

My memory thinks of the fellow in Aussie who was walking home with a baby in his arms and his wife who was targeted by a group.

He fell to the ground to protect the baby, and the group gave him and the baby a good kicking. I have no idea of who these people are, but this is the sort of person who needs to be given a green needle.

Kanaloa · 07/12/2020 00:59

I think I would have left as soon as he pushed a woman then called her a fatty and your friend laughed about it. I wouldn’t want to be near someone who’d done that and wouldn’t want to continue a night out with them, I’d be worried other people would think I was like that as well.

Of course you are in the right not to lie to the police. Maybe you could consider finding someone to talk to about your childhood and how it’s affected you if you think that may be why you’ve held onto a relationship with this woman. I did therapy specifically because of issues surrounding my childhood and it’s really helped so much.

mathanxiety · 07/12/2020 05:02

Of course you weren't wrong to tell the truth.

The fact that you are doubting yourself shows that you have a problem though. You need to ask yourself why you stuck with this crazy person for so long.

What were you hoping to get out of that?
Do you need to be needed?

I'm a pushover and can't help it. I grew up not having a safe space to go to when I needed it, and when I got my life together I became her safe space- if you understand me? I guess I've always worried about others having nobody to turn to when they're in need.

You went on this night out against your better judgement. But even after you saw what this man was capable of, you stayed with the pair of them, regardless of the risk to your own reputation and your safety, and your husband's. I think you owe your H an apology.

You have made a major mistake in believing this woman needed someone to turn to in her time of need. She wanted someone to drag down to her level with her.

When someone loses every friend she has one by one, the best thing to do is to remove yourself from the friendship circle too, advise her to see a counselor and do some deep soul searching, not stick around with a big 'kick me' sign pasted to your rear end.

You are now going to block her and never have anything to do with her again, right?

MrDarcysMa · 07/12/2020 05:11

Op I think you need to get sone boundaries tbh