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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have lied to the police?

140 replies

Efftwentytwenty · 06/12/2020 21:28

Sorry for the long-winded post!

Little backstory- was friends with someone we'll call 'A' for around a decade. Saw her through a lot of things, and got put through a lot of situations that would normally end a friendship. But, her friends always left and so did her boyfriends, so I remained the one constant- no matter what.
She found herself a new boyfriend and at first he seemed really lovely. I've been with my DH (was boyfriend at the time) for almost 8 years and we've never actually liked one of her boyfriends enough to socialise with them together, but this one seemed really nice. He treated her well, she treated him well, and it looked like it was going to work out great.

We decided to double-date, which ended up as a night out. My DH and I don't really drink, so my husband agreed to be our designated driver and the idea of a night out is usually hell for us, but we wanted to make an effort so we went along with it. Getting ready together, brilliant. A drink before we left, no problem. The drive there, the mood was great. Then, as soon as we were walking from the first bar to the next, A's boyfriend purposely barged into a plus-sized woman who, like I would have done, asked what his problem was. He shouted 'what are you going to do, fatty?'. A laughed it off, but my DH and I were mortified. Being plus-size myself, I've been in those situations and it is absolutely degrading.

Bar number two. My DH and I were talking on the side of the dance floor whilst A and her boyfriend danced. A came over, face like thunder, screaming at us that we were leaving. Turns out her boyfriend had started pushing about another guy on the dance floor, trying to provoke a fight. We upped and left. They made up outside, but my DH and I were completely put off the idea of staying out anylonger. A's boyfriend apologised, said he'd stop acting up, and we headed to the third and final bar.

Whilst there, my DH and I just couldn't shake off this bad vibe. We decided at around 12.30am that we wanted to go home, so told A and her boyfriend, and offered them a ride home. They declined and said they wanted to stay out, so I made sure they had money for a taxi and said goodbye.

My DH and I walked to the car, about 10 minutes away, and headed home. Around 5 minutes in to the drive, I had a call from A who was screaming and crying. Said her boyfriend had been arrested because he'd been assaulted. She was in pieces. So, we turned around and picked her up. He was walked off by police, in handcuffs, and taken to the local station. She was a drunken mess and walked to the station, so I walked with her to keep her safe. My DH drove and met us outside with flat shoes and coats. She tried smashing the glass at front of the station, laid on the floor causing a scene and was threatened with arrest by an officer. She finally caved and got in the car, and we drove her home. I got her cleaned up, in her pyjamas and into bed, then locked up and hid her key, then text her where it was for the morning.

Around a month later, I got a call from an unknown number. It was a police sergeant asking if I can talk him through the events of that night. I walked him through the night and he said 'so can you confirm you witnessed A's boyfriend acting in self defence?' I was confused and said no, we left and had a call 15 minutes later saying he'd been arrested. He said he was told by A that both DH and I had witnessed her boyfriend being assaulted, and him throwing one punch in his defence. I confirmed that this was wrong, and that we were both not there. He said he'd needed me to make a formal statement at the station, along with my DH, and that it was important that neither of us spoke to A or her boyfriend regarding this.

Two days later, we went to the station and were shown CCTV of the night in question. We were asked to confirm if we could see A and her boyfriend on the CCTV, which we did. Then we were asked where we were; I showed him the text I'd sent DH from the toilets saying I wasn't comfortable with the vibe and wanted to go home, and then the incoming call from A later on.
We were shown CCTV of A's boyfriend throwing a punch to a younger male who immediately fell to the floor. The sergeant told us that this guy was on his first ever night out and was left hospitalised for days. We were told that A's boyfriend had targeted this male for no reason, and now that they've been caught lying the case was even more serious.

A didn't message, call, drop by.. nothing, for a couple of months. Nothing else seemed to come of it for a while, until I received a letter with the outcome of the case. A's boyfriend was found not guilty and the charges were dropped by the CPS. I sent her a message saying if she wanted to catch up, to let me know. It ended with a huge argument about her being 'embarrassed, stood up in court to give evidence and being asked why her best friend would say she's a liar'. I remained firm in that I had never called her a liar, but said that her statement putting DH and I at the scene was incorrect. She blew up at me and said I should have had her back, and it's since come out that he was actually acting in self defence. We haven't talked for months since, but we crossed paths recently and I sent her a message just to say I hope things are going well for them now. I've just been ignored and it's really getting me down, and I feel like I was in the wrong.

OP posts:
Serenschintte · 06/12/2020 22:34

She not your friend. She’s treated you badly. If she did this to another friend of yours, would you think it was ok? She wanted you to lie to the police because her boyfriend randomly and seemingly seriously attached a young man.
I wouldn’t want this person in my life. I certainly wouldn’t be making civil efforts. I’d be blocking them

sofiaaaaaa · 06/12/2020 22:35

It’s almost ironic that she’s the one who cut contact/is angry with you! It should be the other way around. I hope one day you can see this situation with a bit more clarity, you’ll definitely be thankful that the trash has taken itself out

tttigress · 06/12/2020 22:35

She sounds like a complete nightmare, realistically you should have distanced yourself from her long ago.

I always advice surrounding yourself with people that push you up, not those that pull you down to their level.

TooTrueToBeGood · 06/12/2020 22:37

Frankly, I'd have left them after the first incident with the woman. It's not hard to see why all her friends and previous boyfriends have moved on, she sounds like she is cut from the same cloth as her wanker thug boyfriend. Why you are upset is beyond me. If someone put me in a position of being used as a false alibi and expecting me to commit a criminal offense (e.g. perverting the course of justice) for them words can't describe how furious I would be.

If you have anything more to do with either of them then you are a mug.

Butchyrestingface · 06/12/2020 22:38

I've been so incredibly confused by how I've been made to feel that I simply came here to try and understand if I was in the wrong for not having her back because that's how I've been made to feel.

Who's made you feel that way? Your erstwhile friend? Someone else?

NannyGythaOgg · 06/12/2020 22:40

@Efftwentytwenty Sun 06-Dec-20 22:22:36

I've been so incredibly confused by how I've been made to feel that I simply came here to try and understand if I was in the wrong for not having her back because that's how I've been made to feel.

Nobody is making you feel bad except you.

She isn't making you feel bad, she doesn't want to know you because she has behaved badly and thought you would lie for her. She doesn't deserve your friendship and you know that. (And so does she)

I think you need to work on your self esteem. You know you don't respect this person, you don't want to be their friend, (although you do want to rescue them) you don't even like who they have become BUT for some reason you want/need her to like/need you.

thosetalesofunexpected · 06/12/2020 22:41

Op
Your bloody nightmare so called friend,her new man is like her allways trouble waiting to happen

Even though her boyfriend was acquited got away with it by the skin of his teeth..

Her new man is the very type who Provokes, Creates shit storms Dramas in his/and other people who have misfortune to come across in his/their paths.

This is way Arse hole boyfriend got into trouble in the first place !!!
(He is bloody Lucky he did not kill someone,and be doing Bird (prison for manslaughter ..
It was bound to happen its his personality type..

Op
You have done Nothing wrong..

Except, Get involved with this Toxic Drama Queen in the first Place and to Continue to do so ...

Efftwentytwenty · 06/12/2020 22:41

@BlackCatShadow I asked if she wanted to catch up at that point as we hadn't spoken since the night in question, and I didn't think it was appropriate to air my annoyance at her over text. I'd rather have sat down and given her the chance to tell me to my face why she put DH and I in that position.

The more recent well wishes were more for civility, as we're likely to cross paths due to a local charity I've been working with for years, and she's recently become involved with them.

OP posts:
Girlzroolz · 06/12/2020 22:41

OP, it really might be time to deal with your boundary/friendship issues with a professional therapist. It’s fine to recognise traits in yourself that are sabotaging your life, but it’s not an excuse to keep doing it forever, is it? You are not powerless to change it, just unwilling and/or unable to do it alone. Find a good therapist, work it through, get some new perspectives on why/how/what you’re doing and start implementing new strategies and good boundaries.

It’s very likely you’ll start to make new healthier friendships, and look back at your old patterns with this woman with horror.

Remember that ‘people pleasing’ isn’t as altruistic as it sounds. Once you look ‘under the hood’ it can also be quite negative for everyone. It can enable other people’s unhealthy behaviour- which stops them getting the help they need, for example. That is very different to being someone’s ‘safe space’. You being this woman’s friend hasn’t prevented a downwards slide into some very unsafe behaviours. You aren’t anyone’s guardian angel, just a normal woman, entitled to normal supportive friendships that have normal give and take in them.

I hope that happens for you soon.

tttigress · 06/12/2020 22:42

PS - if she gets back in contact due to things going south with the boyfriend, I would strongly advice politely declining any attempts to rebuild the friendship.

islockdownoveryet · 06/12/2020 22:45

I've nothing more to add that's not already been said except count yourself lucky you are well out of that drama .

Groovinpeanut · 06/12/2020 22:46

OP you paint yourself as a pushover and loyal to the last. Those traits aren't always admirable. You choose to be around people/ situations where most people would deem them to be lost causes.
The night out you describe sounds horrendous. There were problems very early on in the evening, instead of leaving you stayed on, and stayed on.
The result was you ended up in a further horrendous situation. As you say any police involvement in some situations can result in loss of livelihoods etc.
Despite all that had happened you then went back and tried to instigate further contact/ interaction.
You are either desperate for friends or you thrive on drama.
You staying around trying to 'fix' this woman when others have walked away. It's not because she's hard done to. It's because she's a terrible friend.

Efftwentytwenty · 06/12/2020 22:47

@Butchyrestingface her reaction to my telling the truth, the way I was treating over it all made me feel that way. I've not helped myself by feeling guilty, and not knowing how to stop feeling guilty.

@NannyGythaOgg I know I don't help myself. I've had therapy for this before and found that it stems from childhood abuse, where I was told I'd brought it all on myself. I get it. It's a me problem that I'm still trying to work on.

OP posts:
Chickychickydodah · 06/12/2020 22:48

Youre obviously a nice person so delete block and walk away from A

iano · 06/12/2020 22:50

I think you should follow pp's advice and get counselling to consider your actions further. This might be a brilliant opportunity.
The woman put you on a ridiculous position and her behaviour indicates she's a very unreasonable person yet you are totally unable to let her go. What is it you fear?

Efftwentytwenty · 06/12/2020 22:50

@Groovinpeanut I know it's not admirable. I've lost hell of a lot from being there for her over the years and I know I only have myself to blameSad

OP posts:
Wales34 · 06/12/2020 22:54

No good deed goes unpunished.

Shortfeet · 06/12/2020 22:54

Well that was a horrible evening but I am confused as to why you are asking on here if you did the right thing by not lying.

You KNOW you did the right thing. Every decent person knows you did the right thing.

Why is there even the slightest bit of doubt in your mind ?

KleinBlue · 06/12/2020 22:57

[quote NannyGythaOgg]@Efftwentytwenty Sun 06-Dec-20 22:22:36

I've been so incredibly confused by how I've been made to feel that I simply came here to try and understand if I was in the wrong for not having her back because that's how I've been made to feel.

Nobody is making you feel bad except you.

She isn't making you feel bad, she doesn't want to know you because she has behaved badly and thought you would lie for her. She doesn't deserve your friendship and you know that. (And so does she)

I think you need to work on your self esteem. You know you don't respect this person, you don't want to be their friend, (although you do want to rescue them) you don't even like who they have become BUT for some reason you want/need her to like/need you.[/quote]
This, exactly. OP, it’s not a sign of loyalty and good character that you want to remain in touch with this woman, it’s a character flaw, as I think you recognise. She’s not the younger you needing a safe space, she’s an unpleasant piece of work. I’d be prioritising in my therapy sessions the distorted thinking that wants to keep her in your life.

BlackCatShadow · 06/12/2020 22:58

Ok, fair enough, but you knew she was lying to the police and that you had told them that. You knew there was a court case and you knew she hadn’t been in touch, so it’s not unreasonable to assume that she was upset and your casual text may upset her more. I’m not saying you were wrong to have told the police the truth. No one would say that, but sending the text was inappropriate. If you see her, just be polite and professional, but I suspect she will blank you. She’s upset. It’s not rational to blame you. But, people look for a scape goat. Don’t worry about it.

Efftwentytwenty · 06/12/2020 22:58

@Shortfeet it comes from an abusive childhood, being told I'm wrong and everything is my fault. I'm left constantly questioning whether I've done the right thing or not and it's honestly tiring. I've seen therapists for it and though I feel I have clarity at times, I feel like I'm confused more often than not.

OP posts:
Cygne · 06/12/2020 22:59

like I said previously, I'm a pushover and can't help it

You can help it, you know. And now's the time to start. It's not your job to give A someone to turn to, she doesn't need you.

Of course you weren't in the wrong for not having her back, and you know it. If you'd tried to go along with her lies it's absolutely inevitable that you would have been found out because of the CCTV, so you would only have made things worse if you had tried. She must have known before she went to court that you hadn't corroborated, because copies of the prosecution statements, including yours, would have been sent to her boyfriend, so she should have been fully prepared. She was in the wrong for expecting you to commit perjury for her objectionable boyfriend.

MollyButton · 06/12/2020 23:02

You need more therapy - not because you are "to blame" but because you need to give yourself permission to develop strong boundaries.
You don't need a drama queen like this in your life. You can't rescue everyone. People have to be responsible for their own messes.

And of course you shouldn't lie to the police.

Anyone who expects you to is no friend.

Efftwentytwenty · 06/12/2020 23:04

@KleinBlue I don't want to keep her in my life. I work with a charity that she's recently began associating with, so we're likely to cross paths a lot as of now. I wanted to try and initiate some sort of 'civility' so I don't have to deal with any drama whilst volunteering.

OP posts:
WinterWhore · 06/12/2020 23:07

Why on earth would you keep chasing this girl