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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have lied to the police?

140 replies

Efftwentytwenty · 06/12/2020 21:28

Sorry for the long-winded post!

Little backstory- was friends with someone we'll call 'A' for around a decade. Saw her through a lot of things, and got put through a lot of situations that would normally end a friendship. But, her friends always left and so did her boyfriends, so I remained the one constant- no matter what.
She found herself a new boyfriend and at first he seemed really lovely. I've been with my DH (was boyfriend at the time) for almost 8 years and we've never actually liked one of her boyfriends enough to socialise with them together, but this one seemed really nice. He treated her well, she treated him well, and it looked like it was going to work out great.

We decided to double-date, which ended up as a night out. My DH and I don't really drink, so my husband agreed to be our designated driver and the idea of a night out is usually hell for us, but we wanted to make an effort so we went along with it. Getting ready together, brilliant. A drink before we left, no problem. The drive there, the mood was great. Then, as soon as we were walking from the first bar to the next, A's boyfriend purposely barged into a plus-sized woman who, like I would have done, asked what his problem was. He shouted 'what are you going to do, fatty?'. A laughed it off, but my DH and I were mortified. Being plus-size myself, I've been in those situations and it is absolutely degrading.

Bar number two. My DH and I were talking on the side of the dance floor whilst A and her boyfriend danced. A came over, face like thunder, screaming at us that we were leaving. Turns out her boyfriend had started pushing about another guy on the dance floor, trying to provoke a fight. We upped and left. They made up outside, but my DH and I were completely put off the idea of staying out anylonger. A's boyfriend apologised, said he'd stop acting up, and we headed to the third and final bar.

Whilst there, my DH and I just couldn't shake off this bad vibe. We decided at around 12.30am that we wanted to go home, so told A and her boyfriend, and offered them a ride home. They declined and said they wanted to stay out, so I made sure they had money for a taxi and said goodbye.

My DH and I walked to the car, about 10 minutes away, and headed home. Around 5 minutes in to the drive, I had a call from A who was screaming and crying. Said her boyfriend had been arrested because he'd been assaulted. She was in pieces. So, we turned around and picked her up. He was walked off by police, in handcuffs, and taken to the local station. She was a drunken mess and walked to the station, so I walked with her to keep her safe. My DH drove and met us outside with flat shoes and coats. She tried smashing the glass at front of the station, laid on the floor causing a scene and was threatened with arrest by an officer. She finally caved and got in the car, and we drove her home. I got her cleaned up, in her pyjamas and into bed, then locked up and hid her key, then text her where it was for the morning.

Around a month later, I got a call from an unknown number. It was a police sergeant asking if I can talk him through the events of that night. I walked him through the night and he said 'so can you confirm you witnessed A's boyfriend acting in self defence?' I was confused and said no, we left and had a call 15 minutes later saying he'd been arrested. He said he was told by A that both DH and I had witnessed her boyfriend being assaulted, and him throwing one punch in his defence. I confirmed that this was wrong, and that we were both not there. He said he'd needed me to make a formal statement at the station, along with my DH, and that it was important that neither of us spoke to A or her boyfriend regarding this.

Two days later, we went to the station and were shown CCTV of the night in question. We were asked to confirm if we could see A and her boyfriend on the CCTV, which we did. Then we were asked where we were; I showed him the text I'd sent DH from the toilets saying I wasn't comfortable with the vibe and wanted to go home, and then the incoming call from A later on.
We were shown CCTV of A's boyfriend throwing a punch to a younger male who immediately fell to the floor. The sergeant told us that this guy was on his first ever night out and was left hospitalised for days. We were told that A's boyfriend had targeted this male for no reason, and now that they've been caught lying the case was even more serious.

A didn't message, call, drop by.. nothing, for a couple of months. Nothing else seemed to come of it for a while, until I received a letter with the outcome of the case. A's boyfriend was found not guilty and the charges were dropped by the CPS. I sent her a message saying if she wanted to catch up, to let me know. It ended with a huge argument about her being 'embarrassed, stood up in court to give evidence and being asked why her best friend would say she's a liar'. I remained firm in that I had never called her a liar, but said that her statement putting DH and I at the scene was incorrect. She blew up at me and said I should have had her back, and it's since come out that he was actually acting in self defence. We haven't talked for months since, but we crossed paths recently and I sent her a message just to say I hope things are going well for them now. I've just been ignored and it's really getting me down, and I feel like I was in the wrong.

OP posts:
Efftwentytwenty · 06/12/2020 21:59

I get that she's not a friend.. but like I said previously, I'm a pushover and can't help it. I grew up not having a safe space to go to when I needed it, and when I got my life together I became her safe space- if you understand me? I guess I've always worried about others having nobody to turn to when they're in need.

OP posts:
earsup · 06/12/2020 22:02

Awful...reminds of the time I went t see some girls we had met on holiday in Mombassa...I invited them over to my uncles house for meals and to use his pool etc..later that year, they invited us to stay in Munich....they faked a house robbery and wanted us to make statements about finding the door broken etc....we left...that afternoon....!!

Winter2020 · 06/12/2020 22:03

Your friend is a complete loon (trying to smash the glass at the police station among many other things). There is a reason she has no friends. Steer clear. Why would you want to be any where near either of them. It could be your husband the guy punches next. He is a dangerous man.

Oliversmumsarmy · 06/12/2020 22:05

I would give a wide berth to the pair of them

Why would you have her back. More than likely if you had said you were there the police would have asked to point where you were on the CCTV and then you would have been caught lying.

She isn’t any friend of yours.

Sometimes women seem to pick the same type over and over and in the end you have to back away just to save yourself

Waveysnail · 06/12/2020 22:05

To be harsh - she doesn't want or need you. Leave her to clean up her own mess, she was only using you

AIMD · 06/12/2020 22:05

@Efftwentytwenty

I get that she's not a friend.. but like I said previously, I'm a pushover and can't help it. I grew up not having a safe space to go to when I needed it, and when I got my life together I became her safe space- if you understand me? I guess I've always worried about others having nobody to turn to when they're in need.
That makes sense. However you can only be a safe place for others if you have boundaries that keep you yourself safe. She had majorly crossed those boundaries and as you said you could have been in huge trouble had you on the spur of the moment backed up her story. It’s time to move on, sounds like you have done enough for her over previous years.
VanityWitch · 06/12/2020 22:06

I remember a friend's SIL bringing her bf to stay over for the first time at my friend's house. All fun and games till SIL and bf got into a blazing row and he threw a knife at her head. He missed thankfully. I don't think my friend let SIL come round again after that, let alone the bf! There are some very strange couples around. Not to be that guy, but alcohol is usually involved.

AurorasGingerbreadHouse · 06/12/2020 22:07

It sounds like there are alcohol problems, he sounds abusive and oppositional, she sounds codependent and possibly more MH issues. They are getting you involved in some dodgy shit, I would avoid these people from here on out. This is an opportunity to practice your own boundaries, and prioritise yourself and your DH over people who are living toxic lives on the fringes of society.

ChickensMightFly · 06/12/2020 22:10

'You should have had my back' is just another way of saying you shouldn't view anything she does through the prism of your own morals. Which may be ok if you have a friend who wouldn't put you in the position of having to compromise your own conscience to save their skin and maybe backing then up in a case where something isn't their fault is called for... But this... It's awful. If she loses your support she has only herself to blame some people are their own worst enemy and she sings like a prime example. You can't stop her being awful and having an awful partner so let her reap what she sows.

BashfulClam · 06/12/2020 22:11

I’d j look race it now. You have reached out and she has slapped it away. When she runs to you in future just leave it.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 06/12/2020 22:12

Did you tell the police about his behaviour leading up to that moment? He'd been spoiling for a fight the entire night. How did he get found not guilty?

BashfulClam · 06/12/2020 22:12

*i’d leave it now...bloody phone!

ChickensMightFly · 06/12/2020 22:14

Sounds like your loyalty/appreciation/support to her is significantly higher than hers to you. It's an unbalanced relationship where you stand to be used and lose the most.

Cindie943811A · 06/12/2020 22:16

OP there are plenty of more deserving people out there who would love to have your backing as a friend. You’ve given this woman a chance to get her life on track and now is the time to withdraw. In actual fact it should be her that contacted you to apologise for involving you. One small lie would have led to perjury and possibly a prison sentence. As it is, I have no idea how the BF was not convicted but am guessing it was because of a technicality not not because he was totally exonerated
Don’t give the matter another thought.

Efftwentytwenty · 06/12/2020 22:17

He was found not guilty after new CCTV emerged, showing him being assaulted first, which we didn't see. Regardless of that, we were not there even though it was self defence.

We told the officer exactly what I originally posted up top, and he said that his behaviour prior to the assault was only circumstantial so wouldn't be usedHmm

OP posts:
sofiaaaaaa · 06/12/2020 22:17

You need to work on your boundaries. If anything, you should be the one cutting her off? Yet you’re over here begging for her attention multiple times and wanting to “catch up”. Why?

It’s done. Leave her well alone. Her bf isn’t someone you want to associate with. She clearly lacks brain cells and doesn’t actually care about you. She sounds messy and surrounded by drama - there’s a reason all her other friends/exes dropped her. She’s bad news. And you need to sort yourself out for wanting to still associate with her, it’s not cute.

ursuslemonade · 06/12/2020 22:19

I wouldn't want to hang out with someone like this.
Looks like they were made for each other.
For Chris't sake stop messaging her, she and the bf sound like absolute idiots.

Efftwentytwenty · 06/12/2020 22:22

sofiaaaaaa wow, I've never said nor implied that who I am as a person is cute. I can't help that I can't cut people off completely. I know it's a problem- hell, I'm the one that feels the effects of it and have done for years.

I've been so incredibly confused by how I've been made to feel that I simply came here to try and understand if I was in the wrong for not having her back because that's how I've been made to feel.

OP posts:
400rabbits · 06/12/2020 22:24

I understand feeling you need to provide the safe space for people that you didn't have, but she isn't treating you as a safe space, she's taking advantage of your good nature. I mean she thinks you should have lied in court for her thug of a boyfriend who put an innocent man in hospital. Imagine how that man and his family feel having to watch the bf get away with an unprovoked attack!

Honestly leave her to get on with her car crash of a life with her vile boyfriend. She's only going to take advantage
Unfortunately some people aren't like you, they see kindness as a weakness to be taken advantage of
Fuck that and fuck her and her thug of a bf

Lochroy · 06/12/2020 22:27

I wouldn't worry about it. You did the correct thing and she's made her choices. It's hard to have a friendship thrown back in your face but you should try and move on. She might see things differently with a bit of time.

thosetalesofunexpected · 06/12/2020 22:27

Hi Op
I agree with your husband.
Your friend is trouble/Bad News and so is her new man, very much.

Your friend is a drama queen, and very manipulative one at that
She certainly has got you proper sucked into a vortex of dramas .

There is a bloody good reason why she has hardly any friends left,despite her woe me I am one of life victimes.
Its not rocket science

I have been in your similar kinds of situation with a so called friend
So called friend (really just one of life massiver 'User" Very (dangerous manipulative head fuck Narassitic person,
(I say dangerous not in a obvious physical/violent way, but in the way she would make up/create whirlwind of Toxic,Dramas etc it was like living/being a part of TV show Jeremy MkayrL, getting situations that I didn't want to get into,having the police called on numerous occasions...

Please distance/fade her out of your life.
)this friend of yours sounds like she is a train wreck and you are somehow getting caught up in train wreck turbalance.

Op why ask yourself Are you dedicated to disorder,Toxic dramas ??
Is it something to do with your childhood experiences then??
Seek,explore different kinds of therapies to see why this is so..

My final Advice is head for the hills
Fast..

She sounds like a bit of horror,a bloody nightmare..

400rabbits · 06/12/2020 22:30

Sorry saw it wasn't unprovoked, but still think leave them to it. And still think your experience of being very vulnerable could put you at risk of being taken advantage of by people not as nice as you

sofiaaaaaa · 06/12/2020 22:30

Essentially you keep chasing a toxic relationship with this person and it makes you come across desperate. Especially as “friendship ending” things have happened in the past. She isn’t deserving of so many second chances, hence why others dropped her immediately (inc your husband). It’s a massive red flag if someone can’t maintain relationships like that.

Obviously you shouldn’t lie to the police, especially if there’s cameras around that will catch you out, you did nothing wrong. She just didn’t think her story out and is blaming you as it fell apart. At the very least, she could have given you a heads up and told you what her plan was - she didn’t have your back, did she? You deserve better.

BlackCatShadow · 06/12/2020 22:31

I sent her a message saying if she wanted to catch up, to let me know.

I was with you up until this point. I don't get it. Of course you can help being a pushover. Why on earth would you do this? Sorry, I don't get it at all. Find some nicer friends and leave this woman alone.

Burnthurst187 · 06/12/2020 22:33

You 100% did the right thing, lying to the police is a crime in itself. You could have dug yourself into a very big hole if you'd gone along with it

Your friend seems to attract a certain type of man which says a lot about her. My advice is to cut all contact with her. She isn't a very nice person and hopefully now you can see that

Going out getting drunk, b/f abusing people, starting fights, her smashing some glass. Do you really want to associate with people like that, dregs of society come to mind