Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have lied to the police?

140 replies

Efftwentytwenty · 06/12/2020 21:28

Sorry for the long-winded post!

Little backstory- was friends with someone we'll call 'A' for around a decade. Saw her through a lot of things, and got put through a lot of situations that would normally end a friendship. But, her friends always left and so did her boyfriends, so I remained the one constant- no matter what.
She found herself a new boyfriend and at first he seemed really lovely. I've been with my DH (was boyfriend at the time) for almost 8 years and we've never actually liked one of her boyfriends enough to socialise with them together, but this one seemed really nice. He treated her well, she treated him well, and it looked like it was going to work out great.

We decided to double-date, which ended up as a night out. My DH and I don't really drink, so my husband agreed to be our designated driver and the idea of a night out is usually hell for us, but we wanted to make an effort so we went along with it. Getting ready together, brilliant. A drink before we left, no problem. The drive there, the mood was great. Then, as soon as we were walking from the first bar to the next, A's boyfriend purposely barged into a plus-sized woman who, like I would have done, asked what his problem was. He shouted 'what are you going to do, fatty?'. A laughed it off, but my DH and I were mortified. Being plus-size myself, I've been in those situations and it is absolutely degrading.

Bar number two. My DH and I were talking on the side of the dance floor whilst A and her boyfriend danced. A came over, face like thunder, screaming at us that we were leaving. Turns out her boyfriend had started pushing about another guy on the dance floor, trying to provoke a fight. We upped and left. They made up outside, but my DH and I were completely put off the idea of staying out anylonger. A's boyfriend apologised, said he'd stop acting up, and we headed to the third and final bar.

Whilst there, my DH and I just couldn't shake off this bad vibe. We decided at around 12.30am that we wanted to go home, so told A and her boyfriend, and offered them a ride home. They declined and said they wanted to stay out, so I made sure they had money for a taxi and said goodbye.

My DH and I walked to the car, about 10 minutes away, and headed home. Around 5 minutes in to the drive, I had a call from A who was screaming and crying. Said her boyfriend had been arrested because he'd been assaulted. She was in pieces. So, we turned around and picked her up. He was walked off by police, in handcuffs, and taken to the local station. She was a drunken mess and walked to the station, so I walked with her to keep her safe. My DH drove and met us outside with flat shoes and coats. She tried smashing the glass at front of the station, laid on the floor causing a scene and was threatened with arrest by an officer. She finally caved and got in the car, and we drove her home. I got her cleaned up, in her pyjamas and into bed, then locked up and hid her key, then text her where it was for the morning.

Around a month later, I got a call from an unknown number. It was a police sergeant asking if I can talk him through the events of that night. I walked him through the night and he said 'so can you confirm you witnessed A's boyfriend acting in self defence?' I was confused and said no, we left and had a call 15 minutes later saying he'd been arrested. He said he was told by A that both DH and I had witnessed her boyfriend being assaulted, and him throwing one punch in his defence. I confirmed that this was wrong, and that we were both not there. He said he'd needed me to make a formal statement at the station, along with my DH, and that it was important that neither of us spoke to A or her boyfriend regarding this.

Two days later, we went to the station and were shown CCTV of the night in question. We were asked to confirm if we could see A and her boyfriend on the CCTV, which we did. Then we were asked where we were; I showed him the text I'd sent DH from the toilets saying I wasn't comfortable with the vibe and wanted to go home, and then the incoming call from A later on.
We were shown CCTV of A's boyfriend throwing a punch to a younger male who immediately fell to the floor. The sergeant told us that this guy was on his first ever night out and was left hospitalised for days. We were told that A's boyfriend had targeted this male for no reason, and now that they've been caught lying the case was even more serious.

A didn't message, call, drop by.. nothing, for a couple of months. Nothing else seemed to come of it for a while, until I received a letter with the outcome of the case. A's boyfriend was found not guilty and the charges were dropped by the CPS. I sent her a message saying if she wanted to catch up, to let me know. It ended with a huge argument about her being 'embarrassed, stood up in court to give evidence and being asked why her best friend would say she's a liar'. I remained firm in that I had never called her a liar, but said that her statement putting DH and I at the scene was incorrect. She blew up at me and said I should have had her back, and it's since come out that he was actually acting in self defence. We haven't talked for months since, but we crossed paths recently and I sent her a message just to say I hope things are going well for them now. I've just been ignored and it's really getting me down, and I feel like I was in the wrong.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 07/12/2020 05:15

If you're desperate not to be wrong in anyone's eyes, you're missing the point that you are doing wrong to yourself. Being there for someone is fine, but not at what would have been a potentially very great cost to you and DH. Whether it's this event or any other.

I suspect that you feel you are at the bottom in life's pecking order, because of what's happened to you. It was all your fault so you must be the lowest of the low. But you're not. You never were. For a start, your abuser(s) is/are so far down they should be feeling the flames of hell. And your friend is not much better. She only wants you as a friend because she can do any old shit and you're still there, waiting for the next helping. But there's a difference between being a good, nice person, and a doormat. Try to have confidence in yourself that you can be the former without being the latter.

THIS, with bells on.

RonObvious · 07/12/2020 05:32

Well, obviously you were right not to lie to the police, but I’m not sure that locking someone in their house and hiding the key was the best idea.

RonObvious · 07/12/2020 05:34

Hang on, just realised I misread that bit as you texting her where the key was in the morning, rather than for the morning. As you were.

Cam2020 · 07/12/2020 05:40

You did nothing wrong. A friend would not have put you on that position. You'd seen his behaviour first hand - it might have come out that he hadn't thrown the first punch, but he was certainly gunning for a fight and shown himself to be a deeply unpleasant man.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 07/12/2020 05:51

OP you did the right thing by telling the truth. Everybody on here has said so.

If it helps, I give you full permission to end this "friendship". In fact, that would be a very good thing indeed.

She's bad news.

Lollyneenah · 07/12/2020 06:17

If the cps dropped the charges then she wouldnt have had to go to court. I'm a little bit confused by that aspect of her story tbh

oatmilk4breakfast · 07/12/2020 06:29

You should be angry that she lied to the police about you!

Graciebobcat · 07/12/2020 06:37

I'd have absolutely gone mad at the "friend" for putting me in a position where I was being asked to lie to the police, where if I had gone along with her story I'd have been in deep shit myself, and could've been exposed as a liar in court and have lost my career as a result. Then I would ask her to never, ever contact me again, under any circumstances.

PegasusReturns · 07/12/2020 06:39

Apart from anything else she is lying to you about what happened in court.

There is no way she was cross examined in court about “her best friend calling her a liar”. That’s not how the rules of evidence work.

She’s manipulating you and lying. You’re well rid of her.

MeredithGreysScalpel · 07/12/2020 06:41

Your ‘friend’ and her boyfriend sound horrendous, but you sound like a total pushover for wanting to maintain any sort of contact with them. Grow a backbone and stay away from these people.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 07/12/2020 06:43

You did the right thing telling the police the truth. The bit you did wrong was contacting her again.

Efftwentytwenty · 07/12/2020 06:44

@Lollyneenah he was found not guilty as the evidence showed he acted in self defence, so from what I was told he has nothing on his record

OP posts:
saraclara · 07/12/2020 06:50

She's angry that you didn't have her back? What does she call lying to the police about you witnessing the assault? She certainly didn't have your back, there.

Seriously, pull yourself together. She's awful and so is he. There's a reason other people drop her. Forget her.

Mamanyt · 07/12/2020 07:01

@PegasusReturns

Apart from anything else she is lying to you about what happened in court.

There is no way she was cross examined in court about “her best friend calling her a liar”. That’s not how the rules of evidence work.

She’s manipulating you and lying. You’re well rid of her.

YES THIS!

OP, read this. Read it again. Read the last line at least 4 more times. Move on. This woman is dangerous. This woman could cost you your job, your freedom, your reputation, and she wouldn't worry about doing it for one minute.

PhilCornwall1 · 07/12/2020 07:06

I'd have been gone the minute the idiot boyfriend barged into the girl when you were walking to the bar, he's a right dickhead and she's certainly no better either.

JohannaSpyri · 07/12/2020 07:11

Agree. The first incident, barging into the plus sized girl and insulting her would have been enough for me.
I seriously doubt the guy hitting the boyfriend was unprovoked based on his previous behaviour.
I'd want nothing to do with this awful pair. I'd wash my hands of them.

IrisAtwood · 07/12/2020 07:16

Why would you want to stay with friends with someone who has a relationship with an aggressive, abusive arse and expects you to lie in his defence?

makingmammaries · 07/12/2020 07:16

YABU persisting in trying to be friends with this trouble-seeker.

Starlightstarbright1 · 07/12/2020 07:23

Op.
Your desire for civility actually makes you still vulnerable. They owe you an apology.

The guy May of hit him first... however with his behaviour through the evening I do wonder if he was provoked.

I was once taught something in therapy. You aren’t responsible for how you got to now but you are responsible for your future.

I had an abusive childhood. I deserve a happy adulthood as do you. Enjoy the peace and don’t let her feel uncomfortable if your paths cross

Norwester · 07/12/2020 07:31

I would have called it a night after A's boyfriend assaulted the woman in the street and shouted her down and insulted her.

To be honest, I can't get past how you and dh carried on with the evening after that.

At some point in the evening, you blew past helping out a friend and devolved into enabling criminal behaviour. Without you at the police station, A would likely have been arrested and left to sober up in a cell. This would have been best for her - she needs to experience consequences for supporting her violent, sexist boyfriend.

I don't think that establishing a polite, civil relationship with this woman is possible or desirable. Stay clear if possible and make sure you know your boundaries.

Beautiful3 · 07/12/2020 07:32

Well you did the right thing. Your friend is not a good one, take a big step back.

Dee1975 · 07/12/2020 07:38

You completely did the right thing. And by sending messages checking up on her (despite her expecting you to lie to police which isn’t reasonable at all) shows you are the decent person here.

ThePinkGuitar · 07/12/2020 07:42

Walk away op your friend and her bad decisions are not your responsibility she’s dragging you down. Walk away!

WhoWants2Know · 07/12/2020 07:46

The situation is nuts. Obviously contradicting her statement was going to be the end of the friendship, there's no point in pursuing it.

But you need to look deeper and ask yourself about your own decisions that night. You've described this guy assaulting several people while you were present, and you continued on with him until late in the evening.

Tomorrowisanotherdayyouknow · 07/12/2020 07:46

Why are you still chasing this loser of a friend who clearly used you for a night out, for a lift home, (did she thank you for taking such good care of her whilst she was drunk, offensive, attempting to smash a screen at the police stations), a liar etc etc ..... she sounds the perfect match for her aggressive horrible boyfriend.

One day he might kill someone - punches a young lad on his first night out and leaving him hospitalised - she has no concern for the victim but seems to think you should lie for her. Seriously - why would you want to be a friend and used by this 'woman'.