NC for obvious reasons but I'm a regular poster. I'm donning my hard hat for the inevitable pile on, but I need to be told straight how it is so I'm ok with that.
When I was in my late teens I was a sex worker, I was pushed into it by the abusive arsehole I was with at the time who used to beat me and made me pay his way.
One of the men who would 'book' me (single man in his late 40's, not married) became a regular client and something of a friend. I say friend, that's what he said he saw me as and he much kinder to me than most of the others.
Eventually I managed to get out of the abusive relationship and was able to stop the sex work (it was never something I wanted to do in the first place)
The man I mentioned above stayed in touch and when he wanted to see me I explained why I'd stopped doing it and told him that I was coerced in the first place.
Despite that, he wanted to continue coming to see me so after a year or so of him getting in touch I agreed to see him (and only him) on a paid basis again as I was desperate for money and was starting from scratch in an expensive city, lodging with a relative and I had nothing.
I would see him every so often and the money was helpful so I'd paint on a smile and get on with it, except I was no longer getting the amount I used to get as he assumed that because he was travelling further to see me it would be ok to pay me for an hour of my time and have me with him all evening. I didn't feel able to say much about it because I wasn't 'working' properly anymore, despite him seeing multiple other sex workers and paying them their going rate ph. He insists we're great friends.
To cut a long story short I don't want to do it anymore. I have alot of unprocessed trauma from the sex work, mental health problems, so seeing him and doing these degrading roleplays makes it all worse.
I'm starting to emerge from the FOG amd accept that a true friend wouldn't dream of paying a vulnerable woman for sex and degrading them. All of this mushy 'good friends' talk is just something he tells himself to justify what he's doing.
If he truly gave a shit about me and wanted to help me then he'd do so without expecting sex wouldn't he?
As for what I want from the thread, a proverbial kick up the backside and to tell me how it is, to confirm my gut feeling and give me the push I need to stop this once and for all.
Despite knowing in my heart of hearts that I'm being taken advantage of, I've been reluctant to just block and cut him off because he insists he cares about me so much because we're good friends.
Ok mumsnet.. over to you 