Ex sex worker, past is still haunting me. Can you give it to me straight about this situation.

[BadPastBrightFuture]

NC for obvious reasons but I'm a regular poster. I'm donning my hard hat for the inevitable pile on, but I need to be told straight how it is so I'm ok with that.

When I was in my late teens I was a sex worker, I was pushed into it by the abusive arsehole I was with at the time who used to beat me and made me pay his way.

One of the men who would 'book' me (single man in his late 40's, not married) became a regular client and something of a friend. I say friend, that's what he said he saw me as and he much kinder to me than most of the others.

Eventually I managed to get out of the abusive relationship and was able to stop the sex work (it was never something I wanted to do in the first place)

The man I mentioned above stayed in touch and when he wanted to see me I explained why I'd stopped doing it and told him that I was coerced in the first place.

Despite that, he wanted to continue coming to see me so after a year or so of him getting in touch I agreed to see him (and only him) on a paid basis again as I was desperate for money and was starting from scratch in an expensive city, lodging with a relative and I had nothing.

I would see him every so often and the money was helpful so I'd paint on a smile and get on with it, except I was no longer getting the amount I used to get as he assumed that because he was travelling further to see me it would be ok to pay me for an hour of my time and have me with him all evening. I didn't feel able to say much about it because I wasn't 'working' properly anymore, despite him seeing multiple other sex workers and paying them their going rate ph. He insists we're great friends.

To cut a long story short I don't want to do it anymore. I have alot of unprocessed trauma from the sex work, mental health problems, so seeing him and doing these degrading roleplays makes it all worse.

I'm starting to emerge from the FOG amd accept that a true friend wouldn't dream of paying a vulnerable woman for sex and degrading them. All of this mushy 'good friends' talk is just something he tells himself to justify what he's doing.

If he truly gave a shit about me and wanted to help me then he'd do so without expecting sex wouldn't he?

As for what I want from the thread, a proverbial kick up the backside and to tell me how it is, to confirm my gut feeling and give me the push I need to stop this once and for all.

Despite knowing in my heart of hearts that I'm being taken advantage of, I've been reluctant to just block and cut him off because he insists he cares about me so much because we're good friends.

Ok mumsnet.. over to you

You’ve made some amazing steps Op but It seems like you’ve swapped one coercive arsehole for another lovely
He comes in a nicer package but he’s still persuading you to do things you don’t want to do by using emotional manipulation.
I think cutting him off would be your first step, and then seeing what support there is for ex or current sex workers in your area, so you can receive some support.
Women’s aid should have the details of this, and will have information on specialised counselling.

You are not scum, or any if the other names you feel you may have been called.

I'm so sorry for how you were treated in the past. You said it yourself, a friend would never treat you this way, he is absolutely using and abusing you because he can with zero concern for your welfare.

Does he know where you live? I'm guessing he travels to your home? How often is the current arrangement?

If you don't feel strong enough to block completely yet Can you put him off for his next few expected visits, say you are positive with covid so isolating for 2 weeks, then you are not available for Christmas and New year as spending times with friends / family. Then maybe after a few weeks of not seeing him you will feel stronger to continue.

I hope you get the help you need to deal with your past and move forward, good luck x

Nothing to judge, you were forced into something you didn’t want to do then a “friend” carrying on asking for their own benefit knowing you were forced to begin with. Sounds like an awful shitty “friend” to me.

Cut ties, delete and block his number.

You are worth way more than your past. Your past do not define you. Make a plan for short and long term goals moving forward. You have got this!

My concern is could this ‘nice guy’ turn nasty if you start to say no to the sex. You need a way to extract yourself without any comeback.

He's really abusive and certainly not your friend.

Let's imagine he was actually a decent man who really liked you and wanted what was best for you. When you told him you were coerced he would've been really ashamed of himself and sorry for you. When you clearly needed money he would've sent you some with no strings attached. He wouldn't say, "Well as you're my friend, I'll pay you for an hour but I'll stay way, way longer than that."

I'm not sure how you should end it but you need to make your own safety a priority. Whether that's telling him you have a boyfriend or have Covid or being honest, that's entirely up to you.

Hi OP

It sounds like you're doing well on your healing process now that you've realised this is wrong. It doesn't matter if he is the nicest guy in the world and genuinely likes you or not, no one should ever make anyone do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable, ever, and being 'nice' or a 'good friend' doesn't change this, in fact it makes it worse that he wants to do something damaging to someone he claims to care about. Do whatever you need to do to get him out your life

In the past he was happy to sexually exploit you. Now, he’s still doing that and exploiting you emotionally as well. He’s extremely manipulative, and I’m sure it would improve your mental-health no end to get shot of this lying sack of shit.

I wish you all the best.

I wonder if there are any charities supporting sex workers with counselling etc? It’s worth a look.

You are doing brilliantly. Keep going.

As well as helping yourself to move forward and put your past behind you, you will also be doing him a favour by refusing to see him for sex as with any luck it may prompt him to take a long hard look at his own behaviour and perhaps realise how sleezy and exploitative he has been

Best of luck OP in your new life x

I don’t think it is a question of judging you OP, the only people in your story to judge harshly are the men who coerced and abused you and took advantage of your dire circumstances. There is nothing to judge from you. You had to survive and you did what that took and although it harmed you, you didn’t harm others on the way, that speaks to who you are - you were not making free choices in any of this.

The men who did this to you are pure scum, deeply manipulative, very damaged and damaging people.

Yeah not a friend op, not a good person at all. I have actual female friends and I would never dream of doing this. He sees you as a cheap sex worker and that's it.

You seem to have turned a corner and good for you - block this guy op, there are People in the world, men and women who will be your friends, good friends and like you for who you are.

Keep looking forward, head held high and build yourself whatever life you want to live. Best of luck

You're all very kind, again thank you so much.

I agree I need to have counselling, I've just been too ashamed to admit what I did - to have the courage to ask for help for it. I'm planning on sourcing some counselling this week, if I can.

I've been posting on MN for years but have never, ever admitted to any of this or hinted at it. It took alot to put it out there and I'm overwhelmed with the kindness coming back.

He does know where I live yes, though he has never been here. I meet him at restaurants/hotels. I have my own flat now (the deposit in part paid for by seeing him, sadly) but would never bring him here for many reasons.

He knows my real name and alot of my personal info. I used to go under an alias but let my guard down when I started to think he was my friend. He's also got tons, and I mean tons, of intimate pictures of me.

I don't think he would do anything malicious with them, but I don't feel comfortable with him having them at all.

I put a post on MN recently about some of these photos but referred to him as a FWB as I expected huge backlash if I admitted to the true nature of the relationship. The overwhelming response is that he's toxic, and that gave me the confidence to put this post up today.

When someone is a friend and truly cares about another person, particularly someone who is having a hard time, they only give and don't take.
Can you see the difference? He may say he cares but his actions show the truth.
So he's not your friend and doesn't really care, I'm sure he's fond of you and all that. But he takes from you and that's not ok.
You don't need our help because you have totally worked it out for yourself. Good for you! You can have my support though and good thoughts for your future which I know will be a whole lot better than your past. This is because you are deciding it for yourself.
Wishing you the very best and hope that you will be kind to yourself

If he ever was a “nice guy” he stopped being that the moment you told him you were unwillingly coerced into sex work in the first place and he manipulated you into carrying on.

A genuine friend would have offered support without sex or indeed any strings attached.

You are on the road to recovery. You need to put yourself first and this guy will not help you. He's a reminder to an awful time and he continued to abuse you after you tried to leave that awful life. His feelings are not important, only your own so I agree that you should block him

Sorry forgot to add, you are not scum. You are a young woman who was abused by a controlling dickhead. I’m so glad you’ve managed to get away from that life, it can’t have been easy. You’ve got nothing but respect & support from me .

Well done to you. You have come a long way and should be proud of yourself for that

My first reaction was to block him. But do you think you could explain it to him ? It might help you to move on as you will be controlling the situation ?

Good luck.

You don't need a kick up the backside. You just need people to agree with you 100% that your instincts are correct, that he is no friend, that you have every right to say no and insist he honours your decision. I'm so glad you realise this now. But you may need some support (ie other people present, who you completely trust) when you tell him.

Fuck me he is a vile, predatory, manipulative arsehole isn't he😡

Do not feel guilty about putting yourself first, you are worth so much more. Block & do not look back. Your boundaries are clearly still very skewed & he has no intention of letting you heal that, because he is the worse kind of predatory leech

Hotelli “ He knew you'd been primed”

This is so true. You were already groomed and some abusers take advantage of previous abusers ‘groundwork’ whilst convincing themselves that they’re different^ but really they are the same - maybe just lazier and more deluded.

You are smart, hard-working, caring and vulnerable. The first three qualities will help you enormously as you tackle the fourth. You don’t have to be invulnerable but you can work on ways to be less vulnerable and strategies to manage future situations.

I think you are incredibly strong to have escaped the first abuser, and you have the strength to escape this abusive man also.

PP are so right about finding some support to do so safely and to help you build strong relationship boundaries.

It is a horrible fact that abusers seek out those they can exploit and the biggest ‘pool’ of potential victims are those already traumatised.

The positive side of that is if we know it we can do something about it and learn to trust the gut instinct that initial abusers prevented forming or damaged during their abuse.

Lots and lots of good wishes for you BrightFuture

No judgement from me OP as a fellow abuse survivor I commend your bravery. You deserve sympathy and understanding, not condemnation because you haven't done anything wrong. You don't owe this man anything. Please reach out to a counsellor, preferably someone experienced in working with victims of abuse and trauma. There is help out there for you.

You are far from scum. People do sex work for all sorts of reasons. I don't think any of them are scum. I'll tell you who scum are, scratch my back I'll scratch yours Tories, who give massive contracts to their mates in the middle of a pandemic and inevitable recession. They're scum. You are NOT. I could give you more examples but I won't. Just be reassured you are not on the list!

Thats man is not your friend, in any way, shape or form. He's a using wanker. Block him, ignore him or tell him stright up whatever works.

Good luck with your future, it sounds like your life is getting brighter and you see the light at the end of the now very short tunnel.

Be kind to yourself X

If you have a chat with Women's Aid, they'll be able to point you in the right direction to get support and advice, even with dealing with the photos he has taken of you.

Neither they nor a counsellor should judge you or force you to do something you aren't comfortable with.

chat.womensaid.org.uk/

You are not scum, OP, and I wish you the very best in re-building your life free of abusers. He is the last bit of trash you need to put out. Do contact Crisis, they specialise in counselling people who were victims of physical and sexual abuse and you can give as much money as you can afford for your sessions. They will probably have a waiting list but do give them a call. x

The only people who are scum are the awful men who have put you through this. I'm so sorry this has happened to you
You are absolutely right that he is NOT your friend. I have some similarities with you in my own past, and the freedom program worked wonders for me. Try and do the group one if they open back up soon