Ex sex worker, past is still haunting me. Can you give it to me straight about this situation.

[BadPastBrightFuture]

NC for obvious reasons but I'm a regular poster. I'm donning my hard hat for the inevitable pile on, but I need to be told straight how it is so I'm ok with that.

When I was in my late teens I was a sex worker, I was pushed into it by the abusive arsehole I was with at the time who used to beat me and made me pay his way.

One of the men who would 'book' me (single man in his late 40's, not married) became a regular client and something of a friend. I say friend, that's what he said he saw me as and he much kinder to me than most of the others.

Eventually I managed to get out of the abusive relationship and was able to stop the sex work (it was never something I wanted to do in the first place)

The man I mentioned above stayed in touch and when he wanted to see me I explained why I'd stopped doing it and told him that I was coerced in the first place.

Despite that, he wanted to continue coming to see me so after a year or so of him getting in touch I agreed to see him (and only him) on a paid basis again as I was desperate for money and was starting from scratch in an expensive city, lodging with a relative and I had nothing.

I would see him every so often and the money was helpful so I'd paint on a smile and get on with it, except I was no longer getting the amount I used to get as he assumed that because he was travelling further to see me it would be ok to pay me for an hour of my time and have me with him all evening. I didn't feel able to say much about it because I wasn't 'working' properly anymore, despite him seeing multiple other sex workers and paying them their going rate ph. He insists we're great friends.

To cut a long story short I don't want to do it anymore. I have alot of unprocessed trauma from the sex work, mental health problems, so seeing him and doing these degrading roleplays makes it all worse.

I'm starting to emerge from the FOG amd accept that a true friend wouldn't dream of paying a vulnerable woman for sex and degrading them. All of this mushy 'good friends' talk is just something he tells himself to justify what he's doing.

If he truly gave a shit about me and wanted to help me then he'd do so without expecting sex wouldn't he?

As for what I want from the thread, a proverbial kick up the backside and to tell me how it is, to confirm my gut feeling and give me the push I need to stop this once and for all.

Despite knowing in my heart of hearts that I'm being taken advantage of, I've been reluctant to just block and cut him off because he insists he cares about me so much because we're good friends.

Ok mumsnet.. over to you

I could say allsorts but really, just stop.

You've been treated horribly op. You're most definitely not scum , you're strong and brave for speaking out and seeking support.

Keep going op , you are finding your way through all of this as I type.

Good luck

OP I’m really sorry you went through this. You were/are abused, even if you did/do make some money. He is not a friend of you, or any woman for that matter. Here’s to your future 💐

I think you are truly amazing and strong to come into a forum and ask for help.

You clearly want to leave this behind but understandably need support.

You sound truly courageous even if you might not feel it.

What you have been through is one of the most traumatic lived experiences. The statistics ans research tells us this. I have a relative that was exploited as a teenage girl and fell back into sex work. She has experienced serious trauma and mental health issues and her life has been very sad. I have seen the way that life can destroy confidence and be so tempting when it is all you know and you have few support networks and an abusive past. The glamorous picture we are sold of escort work is but one side of it.

It is important that you be very kind to yourself. You are not the problem but that world is and you need to get yourself 💪 strong. You sound amazing and I think you can !

If you ever have to ask if a man is treating you right then he isn't.

A friend would help you job hunt, find a course, track down a counsellor and a support group, give you a safe and peaceful place to heal and stay...

You are someone's beautiful baby and a strong woman that has survived events you did not deserve and that aren't your fault.

I wish you every good thing and hope that life is kinder to you.

This man is a cancer and anything to do with your past experiences is a cancer that you have to cut.

Love and best wishes xxx

I'm so sorry OP, you are so strong for going through what you have and making this thread. He doesn't care at all, the 'friends' stuff is bollocks. Block him everywhere, don't explain yourself first. He's nothing but a predator

Do not let fear prevent you from blocking him. I reckon he will just turn to another sex worker if you say no.
If he gets iffy, call the police OP. They will help you with any threats. Just make sure to report. They will pay him a visit and make sure he does not get any close to you. But, you have not said that he has ever being threatening or violent, he seems to want sex and that is all. So he will not bother. Just go elsewhere. He may insist. But for that, you just block his number. No need for any explanation or further contact. Just block.
You now know never to give your details to anyone.
Also, you need to keep men away from you till you do some more healing. Because you have replaced one abuser by a user. So you still to learn to build your boundaries and self worth.
You are doing really good. Keep going OP.

You need counselling to deal with your past. Forget the photos, let him do want he wants with them, remember revenge porn is a crime. Tell yourself that he is NOT a nice man, he is NOT a friend. You've got this, you are a hell of a strong woman.

You don’t need this man in your Life. You have moved on and have a lot of insight into what you went through and what this Mans motivations are. You are right he isn’t a good friend and you deserve someone who will be your friend with no expectations/transactions. Just because he is nice to you does not mean you owe him sex or anything else.

Block him. You don’t have to tell him why either. Just do it. Definitely agree that you should consider contacting your GP to get some counselling/trauma therapy under way. The waiting list will be long so the sooner you get on a list the better.

I feel sad that you expected to be called scum and told this is all your own fault. Truly this is not your doing and you absolutely do not deserve to be given a hard time. In fact you deserve the total opposite. Keep on working at the life you want and focus on your job and your family and the things that bring you happiness.

No judgement from me! you were young and taken advantage of. Now that you realise that, don't let it continue. Sounds like you are most of the way there.

Tell him you are not working anymore. I am sure he likes you but not as a true friend. Move on with your life. The new year is around the corner and that is a good time for new starts. New starts often need a good time marker and I always find new year is that time. However, I would suggest starting straight away.

Forgiving yourself now, will save many wasted years!

Good luck

Well done for having the courage to build a better life for yourself!
He is not your friend, friends make you feel good and support you. He’s making you feel bad and manipulating you, you’re not that person any more! I hope you can find the strength to cut him out x

You've been really strong to come through the fog of his manipulation. He's no friend to you at all, and you're not the scum in this situation, he is. Your ex is. True friends wouldn't take advantage of you like he and your ex have.

I agree with PP about seeing about counselling. You deserve a happy, bright future

I'm relieved by the response here, it's helping me reaffirm that I'll be making the right decision by cutting him off.

He's not violent so I don't need to worry about ramifications like that, my main worry about refusing to see him again was that I'd be guilt tripped and gas lighted because he's such a good friend and like I said I find it hard to trust my judgement.

The unanimous feedback here has helped me see that my judgement is spot on.

It's strange, he's that engulfed in the world of sex workers I genuinely believe he thinks he's doing no wrong and he's one of the good guys. I don't think there are any good guys though, not really.

Just because you buy somebody a gift here and there and whisper a few mins words doesn't take away from the fact that you're paying to exploit their body.

He's that disillusioned I think he believes that all the women in the field love the job and do it because they're highly sexed bla bla. That might be the case for some but not for me, or the other young women I met at the time.

I'm due to see him in a couple of weeks and I won't be honouring it.

Thank you all so much for taking the time, it means alot.

I'm confident that this post will be the driving factor in me making that change.

He is a revolting abusive piece of shit. Cut him off OP.

You deserve kindness.

I fully agree with several PPs: the only scum in this story are the men involved, including this one remaining so-called “friend” in particular. He’s not a friend at all! He is actually being a total user and dickhead.

The only reason I can think of not to just block him and ghost him immediately is that tactically, there may be better ways to get him to leave you alone, given the existence of the photos and the fact that he knows your real name and address. I am ignorant of what would be the best approach to that. Other posters, and some of the organisations cited, will have better advice to offer.

Best wishes for your bright future! It sounds as though you have already gotten through the hardest part.

You have been horribly abused for a long time. I'm so sorry. You deserve support and help, not judgement.

What an absolute cunting , manipulative, gaslighting bastard your ‘friend’ is.

Please please feel not a single moment of guilt for blocking this worthless piece of shite from your life.

Seeing this man is holding you back. Dragging you down. He's the link to the past you are breaking free from.
I think you'd feel a sense of freedom telling this man where to go.
Be careful. This 'friend' may not be so friendly when he realises he can no longer abuse you and you're breaking free.
Such people don't like to be seen for what they really are and I dare bet he'll try to bribe you to keep up the 'friendship'.
Don't be bought.

As others have said if he was a good friend he wouldn't be coercing you into sex for money.

There are good guys out there, but I understand why you'd doubt that.

I've no advice you haven't already been given, I just wanted to offer my support and sympathy.

I don’t have anything new to add but wanted to lend my support. Block this user ASAP and carry on with your new life. Don’t give him a second thought. You owe him nothing.

I'm so sorry you went through this OP.
This was not your fault.

I wonder are there any charities that might be able to help you, charities which help women who were forced into sex work. They might be able to help put you into contact with expert therapists who are used to dealing with this kind of trauma.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. No judgement but you should not feel pressured to see that man ever again. He has abused you enough.

You got dragged into sex work the way most women do which is via a very abusive man who bullies and coerces you into it.
At that age especially if you've not had a great childhood and parents you love and respect you don't know flip and it's easy for these men to traffic you.
The other guy isn't your friend he is a manipulative abuser also sucking you in by pretending to be your friend but he is also an abuser sadly.
Sex work will eventually kill you or make you so mentally damaged you won't be able to live a normal life, it is not al all "empowering" as you have found out.
What you need desperately after this is counselling and some help to set you on the right track so that you can have a good life. I would not be surprised if you had some form of PTSD after this experience and that isn't going away without help.
First stop should be your GP and see if there are any women's abuse support groups near you, they will be able to help you so you can start living the life you always wanted.
Good luck

You don't deserve any kind of kicking for anything you've done. I'm sorry that you've had men in your life who've exploited you. You don't need anyone's permission to say no to anything you don't want to do. You choose your life. Best of luck, and please be kind to yourself.

You poor love. He's an abuser too. And a sleeper. Just cut the tie. You would probably benefit from some counselling.