Ex sex worker, past is still haunting me. Can you give it to me straight about this situation.

[BadPastBrightFuture]

NC for obvious reasons but I'm a regular poster. I'm donning my hard hat for the inevitable pile on, but I need to be told straight how it is so I'm ok with that.

When I was in my late teens I was a sex worker, I was pushed into it by the abusive arsehole I was with at the time who used to beat me and made me pay his way.

One of the men who would 'book' me (single man in his late 40's, not married) became a regular client and something of a friend. I say friend, that's what he said he saw me as and he much kinder to me than most of the others.

Eventually I managed to get out of the abusive relationship and was able to stop the sex work (it was never something I wanted to do in the first place)

The man I mentioned above stayed in touch and when he wanted to see me I explained why I'd stopped doing it and told him that I was coerced in the first place.

Despite that, he wanted to continue coming to see me so after a year or so of him getting in touch I agreed to see him (and only him) on a paid basis again as I was desperate for money and was starting from scratch in an expensive city, lodging with a relative and I had nothing.

I would see him every so often and the money was helpful so I'd paint on a smile and get on with it, except I was no longer getting the amount I used to get as he assumed that because he was travelling further to see me it would be ok to pay me for an hour of my time and have me with him all evening. I didn't feel able to say much about it because I wasn't 'working' properly anymore, despite him seeing multiple other sex workers and paying them their going rate ph. He insists we're great friends.

To cut a long story short I don't want to do it anymore. I have alot of unprocessed trauma from the sex work, mental health problems, so seeing him and doing these degrading roleplays makes it all worse.

I'm starting to emerge from the FOG amd accept that a true friend wouldn't dream of paying a vulnerable woman for sex and degrading them. All of this mushy 'good friends' talk is just something he tells himself to justify what he's doing.

If he truly gave a shit about me and wanted to help me then he'd do so without expecting sex wouldn't he?

As for what I want from the thread, a proverbial kick up the backside and to tell me how it is, to confirm my gut feeling and give me the push I need to stop this once and for all.

Despite knowing in my heart of hearts that I'm being taken advantage of, I've been reluctant to just block and cut him off because he insists he cares about me so much because we're good friends.

Ok mumsnet.. over to you

You’ve been manipulated and abused by two men, he is one of them, he’s not a good guy.

You’ve been raped by them and many others because that’s what sex work is, you had your right to consent removed by threats and money.

You are the victim here and have done NOTHING wrong. You’re amazing, stay strong and keep healing. Maybe try and find a service that helps ex sex trade abused women (I won’t call something that isn’t work “sex work” you can’t buy a woman’s body, only her fear, vulnerability and pain) xx

Most importantly, be kind to yourself - you’ve done what you needed to do to survive, and you’ve been exploited by various men who are dreadful human beings. You are not. Think of how you’d show kindness to a friend in this situation and show that to yourself - you deserve it.

I thought this post was beautifully phrased. I second every word.

I also tend to agree with a PP that it's probably unlikely, having suffered through a set of circumstances like these, that you are not suffering from some of the known effects of trauma. If this is the case it will need to be unpicked through proper, focused trauma therapy: counselling on its own won't cut it.

Mental health professionals are not going to judge you for your circumstances. They will sympathise and help you. They'll likely also respect you for your strength and insight in slowly coming to terms with the horrific abuse you have suffered, and your courage in asking for help. Sadly there is not very much these people won't have seen before.

I speak as a former child abuse victim whose father once concussed me and could quite easily have killed me. I since lived through a violent rape and two instances of stalking (which sounds mild by comparison but really isn't). I had cPTSD - undetected and untreated for many years - and three years ago had my life turned around by extensive EMDR therapy.

The good news is that trauma IS eminently treatable. And there is a good life to be had afterwards. I'm living proof. Sending you solidarity, support, and so much positivity OP. You've passed the turning point, especially now you've decided to cut out this one remaining tendril of a painful past. Life can get better now

@BadPastBrightFuture

Thank you all so much

I'm in a much better place now than I was a few years ago, I have a little part time job and most importantly - family.

It's because things have got better in other areas and I've distanced myself from the bulk of the shit that I'm able to see things more clearly, but because he plays the Nice Guy so well, I haven't been able to trust my judgement %100 as I still have alot of healing to do.

Can you get any form of counselling? You're clearly still in an abusive relationship and you need help to extricate yourself.

Oh OP I am so sorry I agree counselling or even the freedom programme would be helpful.

This isnt a nice man at all - he is the worst type the abuser that pretends to be nice.

I think I remember your other thread and that one makes so much sense now - he has eroded all your boundaries and is coercing you into behaviour that is dangerous for you

Please block him he doesnt care for you at all

I am glad to hear that you are in a better place now. How dare this pathetic excuse for a human being call himself your 'friend', friends do not exploit each other. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself the best life you can have and it sounds as though you are on your way to living it. Stay safe and strong.

He was abusing you initially, and is now abusing you even more, given he now knows that you were coerced into it and wasn't doing it willingly, and isn't even paying you "properly" for your time...

You can always use covid as an excuse for next time (isolation period maybe), then just drift away, always be busy etc if you think he'll try and gaslight you into seeing him.

You'll discover if he's a true friend if you tell him you're no longer doing sex work and he honours that decision with kindness and respect.

If he tries to change your mind you know he's only in it for himself (which of course he is).

I'd not block him or be rude. As PP suggested, make up an excuse and walk away so that he never knows the truth. The last thing you need is your pictures appearing online on Pornhub in a revenge porn thing or the like or him coming round to your flat all angry and bear-bating. He knows you and wants you. That can be a potential mix for toxic behaviour if he feels rejected.

You could say you've developed endometriosis suddenly which is pain in the womb and you're seeing a consultant. Very heavy periods - that it's been getting worse but you didn't want to trouble him so you've not mentioned it etc - you'll need to go to hospital for an operation to clear out some fibroids. Google the condition, learn all about it and then just lay out the symptoms so he knows you're off the books for good.

Or you could use interstitial cystitis - this is a long-term chronic condition which makes it really painful to have sex and is uncurable. You can get it after a very bad bladder infection as the lining gets stripped away by the infection and then it can't regrow and more and more bacteria gets in.

Ease out of it gently. He may have been nice up until now but he's an abuser and may have another side.

Good luck and certainly no judgement here. You are so brave and wish you all the best. None of this was your fault.

I was in a similar position, staying in touch for years with the man who beat and raped me and pimped me out to his friends. I thought he cared about me and that we were friends. I believed myself in love with him for a good 20 years (although I actually escaped from his narcissistic clutches after 2 years). I drowned in drink and drugs for years after that. Fast forward to now, I'm in recovery, got 2 beautiful daughters and am light years away from my abusive past. Please extricate yourself from this awful man.

You don't need your hard hat on here. You were a young women not much more than a child really who was forced into it. Even if you had undertaken sex work through your own choice I for one certainly wouldn't judge you.

People do what they have to to survive, don't they.

I agree with others you don't owe him anything.
I wish you well.

Coerced and manipulated by your awful ex and now coerced and manipulated by this man, albeit he doing it in a way that seems 'nice' he is just as abusive as your ex. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you are NOT scum.

Agree with others, stop seeing him, block him on everything, don't allow him any means to get into contact with you and yes to counselling/the Freedom Programme.

You are way better than both of those men, OP, and you always will be..

You are doing great OP. You have had to endure the worst abuse, but you can see the lights ahead now.

So many posts telling you the truth here, and I have nothing to add other than true support for you and to ask you to forgive yourself that this is still in your life. But here you are, you have already broken free from your ex, you can do this one too, you can see it and know what to do.

Wishing you all the very very best

Grab that bright future with both hands OP!

OP, no one has a right to judge you and you haven't done anything wrong. I'm sorry for what you went through in the abusive relationship. This man who claims to be your friend has treated you very poorly - I think it would be best for you (and to be able to get stronger mentally) to cut him out of your life.

Wishing you the best - you've been very strong and very brave with everything you've been through.

@Speak2020

You'll discover if he's a true friend if you tell him you're no longer doing sex work and he honours that decision with kindness and respect.

If he tries to change your mind you know he's only in it for himself (which of course he is).

I'd not block him or be rude. As PP suggested, make up an excuse and walk away so that he never knows the truth. The last thing you need is your pictures appearing online on Pornhub in a revenge porn thing or the like or him coming round to your flat all angry and bear-bating. He knows you and wants you. That can be a potential mix for toxic behaviour if he feels rejected.

You could say you've developed endometriosis suddenly which is pain in the womb and you're seeing a consultant. Very heavy periods - that it's been getting worse but you didn't want to trouble him so you've not mentioned it etc - you'll need to go to hospital for an operation to clear out some fibroids. Google the condition, learn all about it and then just lay out the symptoms so he knows you're off the books for good.

Or you could use interstitial cystitis - this is a long-term chronic condition which makes it really painful to have sex and is uncurable. You can get it after a very bad bladder infection as the lining gets stripped away by the infection and then it can't regrow and more and more bacteria gets in.

Ease out of it gently. He may have been nice up until now but he's an abuser and may have another side.

Good luck and certainly no judgement here. You are so brave and wish you all the best. None of this was your fault.

@Speak2020 I absolutely see where you are coming from but this abuser will not be put off by the OP saying sex is painful - just think through the type of person we're talking about, he has no respect for the OP's body or feelings. I know your post is coming from a good place, but that's the wrong approach.

Pleased to see the support on here is excellent. As per pp, don't be afraid to contact women's aid/ help groups and the police if needed. Ask for as much help as you need. I think we live in a much more enlightened time and you can be proud of yourself for getting through this far. If your so called friend tries to force you or threatens to expose your details, it will be him that comes out worse. Police will take action. If he says he will make your photos public, tell him you will make his details public on mumsnet! You have us all behind you x

OP, men don't hire prostitutes because they want friendship. They hire prostitutes because they want sex. Stay away from this man. He is vile.

I think you need to stop blaming yourself and feeling ashamed. You were coerced into prostitution in your teens, you were little more than a child.
Echoing others; ask for any support you need from Womens Aid, support groups or your gp? You can do this but start by being kind to yourself, you don't need to feel shame.

I absolutely see where you are coming from but this abuser will not be put off by the OP saying sex is painful - just think through the type of person we're talking about, he has no respect for the OP's body or feelings. I know your post is coming from a good place, but that's the wrong approach.

I completely agree. If you JADE you simply give these bastards leverage to argue the toss about all the reasons why you should do precisely what they want you to do. Arguing with silence and thin air is much more difficult.

Not only does this creep deserve no such explanation, if he's the type to ride roughshod over a woman's autonomy and consent to this extent he's highly unlikely to accept any explanation he was given.

There's only one effective response here. 'I am no longer working and I don't want to do this anymore'. Then block every possible avenue of communication. After that, if he breaches those barriers or attempts a bit of revenge porn blackmail, report the fucker. Hideous abuser that he is.

I'm not home yet but I couldn't help but to come back and read the replies asap.

I can see I have a PM and will reply to that too.

I honestly didn't expect such an outpouring of support here, my biggest fear whilst keeping this secret was the fear of being judged by other women (I couldn't care less what men think tbh, but it's nice to know not all of them will see me as dirt. I think I saw a man post on the thread, so thank you to you too)

When I left my ex, he and his mother 'exposed' me. I had indecent photos (that he took I might add) plastered all over Facebook. Accounts made in my name which then added everybody I knew. It was soul destroying. The way that made me feel cemented the fact (until now) that I would never speak to anybody about it in the future, not even for counselling.

That has changed now, and I do plan to ask for help.

Since I moved away I've not told a soul about my past, not even a man I was in a serious relationship with (who fucked me over by cheating twice and only confirmed my feelings toward men - such is life eh)

To answer some questions, he knows my address yes. He has that because he sends me things from time to time. I thought nothing of giving it to him at the time as I was still in the FOG and trusted him, although I'm absolutely certain he would never come to my flat. We live very far apart and he's not remotely confrontational.

A PP was right in that me telling him I have womens health problems wouldn't put him off, I actually do have pelvic problems and that didn't deter him. If it weren't for that then I think claiming endometriosis would be a brilliant idea.

I've gone through a fair amount of crap after the prostitution and have been in some bad places, I had an eating disorder, sepsis which rendered me in ICU for weeks, then a total mental collapse when I came out of hospital which resulted in me being diagnosed with PTSD.

None of that deterred him from wanting to solicit me for sex (which is the only reason I'm mentioning any of it for context) and he knew about all of it.

I've had EMDR and found that very helpful but I omitted to mention the prostitution at that point as I wasn't ready to talk about it.

Wow it's all a bit woe is me isn't it. Sorry. I'm rambling now. It's just a breath of fresh air being able to talk without judgement.

I've saved all the links and mentions of support organisations reccomended and will look into all of them when I'm home. Thank you

It also might help you to stop labelling yourself as an "ex sex worker" you were a victim of abuse and circumstance, it was hardly a career choice and you did what you had to survive really.
It's upsetting that you define yourself like this and I hope you can build up your confidence to move on. Good luck you really deserve better things

You are strong as fuck, Brightfuture.

Consider contacting an org who help women exiting prostitution for a counselling recommendation - they may be able to direct you towards someone experienced in working with survivors and possibly even help you find funding to subsidise the cost.

I think you are amazing and anyone who judges you on a previous life chapter isn’t worth knowing anyway.

Surviving grooming leaves a person with all kinds of weirdness around how to make and keep healthy boundaries and who is or isn’t trustworthy.
A bit of counselling will help you to better discern the decent men from the arseholes who disguise themselves as decent men.

I honestly didn't expect such an outpouring of support here, my biggest fear whilst keeping this secret was the fear of being judged by other women (I couldn't care less what men think tbh, but it's nice to know not all of them will see me as dirt. I think I saw a man post on the thread, so thank you to you too)

Any woman who judges another woman for being abused is not worth bothering with. The women here are cheerleading for you.

Any man who judges you rather than the men who did this is also a scumbag.

You are not scum at all. You are worth so much more than that, cut this creep out of your life, how dare he manipulate you.
He is not a friend, have nothing to do with him, and the best of luck for your future, look after yourself, you deserve it, and please don't ever call yourself scum.

Well done, you tremendously brave woman. You're doing brilliantly.