My mother's incessant hoarding on my son's behalf. Aibu

[HarleyQuinn33]

Background;. Growing up I lived in old clothes, clothes from bags that people donated to us, boys clothes, my middle aged aunts old clothes, shoes 3 sizes too big with cotton wool stuffed in the end. Home made hair cuts. Etc. My mother had a good job but she had a problem with spending any money on us. As an adult, I have no problem with second hand things but do like to like to have choice now and for the things I have to be quality. My in-laws and friends have given my baby nice quality things so I am lucky and well stocked as a new mum.

Current issue: When I became pregnant my mother started asking me if I wanted my cousin's old baby clothes. I said no, she would sit and try and persuade me, I said no again. She would then ask if I wanted her other friends old baby gym, clothes, baby plates etc and everything else, I said maybe just the gym. She continues to talk and try to persuade me to take everything despite me saying I don't need it all. I eventually keep saying I don't need it all and she says ok. I find out a few weeks later she has asked her friend to drop the baby clothes off at the house despite me saying no to them. I got a bit cross at this point because she just didn't listen and I ask her to please respect my wishes and no more things for the baby thank you we already have enough. A few weeks later my father tells me she went to buy a second hand buggy, bag of clothes and mattress from people from gumtree. I was fuming at this point because she apparently has ignored my wishes. The buggy is dirty and old and my mother tries to insist she will just hose off all the grime.

Fast forward, my child is newborn, she presents a bag of girls clothes to me and insists my son wear the items and that it's all ok. I say no but she protests. Later my father slips up and tells me my mother has a garage and shed full of stuff for my son. I am picturing more baby stuff, but he says there are bikes in there, baby walkers, chairs and tables etc. All piled up that she has asked friends to donate for my son. She gets cross because apparently this was a secret between my father and her.

Am I being unreasonable to be fuming right now? I don't know what to do anymore she just won't listen. When I try to say no to anything she twists it and tells me I am not environmentally friendly, she came from a poor family and had nothing, etc. Etc.

Have a friend who does this for her grandchildren, nieces and nephews. Nobody is poor. Nobody wants it. It all goes back to charity or bin. Makes no difference. She still does it.

I think it’s a hoarding disorder. You’re doing well not to enable her.
Send her some links to hoarding disorders face book groups so she can see that she really does have an illness.

@Takethereigns

Don’t accept anything from her.

Say thanks for thinking of me but you don’t need it and feel like you would be depriving someone who is actually in need, please donate it to charity.

Repeat ever single time

This You can't afford to give her any wiggle room by taking the odd thing.

When you are a new mum and not sure of yourself then the older generation think they have a right to tell you how to do it

To be clear, it's controlling people who think they have the right to tell you how to do it, not necessarily the older generation. I'm from an older generation and if I was looking after someone else's baby, I'd want to know how they would want things done.

My DM is very similar, except she doesn’t really have an interest in the GC, so her hoarding is more for herself overall. That being said my DC have received colouring books from 1984 that was my siblings as Christmas presents for instance, and my Nieces have been gifted make up that used to be mine when I lived at home over ten years ago! Hoarding really is a mental illness, my DM has cried when I have asked for something that actually belonged to me from the house. She will also suddenly feel faint if we bring up getting rid of anything. She also shares a lot of traits you say your mum has. It’s very frustrating. I have no answers really but me and my siblings will take anything she offers just so we can get rid of it from her house then recycle/charity shop etc.

Hire a skip at the front of your house and put it all in for her to see. She should get the message.

I wouldn't accept any of it. Not with covid about etc. I wouldn't want that near my new baby

This sounds exactly like my father- I really sympathise as his hoarding blighted my childhood and has caused huge arguments in adulthood. I used to try and rationalise with him. throw away obviously broken things and he won't become really aggressive and nasty. He then tried to hoard rubbish for my children (old bikes, toys etc even though I'm now well off and don't need bikes he has retrieved from a skip). In the end I realised how complex a mental illness hoarding is ( in my father's case, very much like your monthers borne out of extreme childhood privation) and now I just manage it by taking the junk from him and depositing it straight to the skip as most of it is not even for a charity shop. Hoarding is one of the most difficult mental illnesses to treat, and an element of lying and manipulation is common.

Your mother is awful and really fucking weird. I wouldn't let her near the baby to be honest.

You have a right to be fuming.

Tell her thank you for the thought, you appreciate all her effort. Tell her perhaps you just weren't clear, you do not want these things and either she can take these things to the skip now but if she leaves it here, you'll take it first thing tomorrow.

@DDIJ

My mum does this. In her case it is not a hoarding disorder, although she uses my house to hoard. It is about control and making sure I don't develop self esteem or think too highly of myself. She can also then call me lazy and disorganised because I have to deal with a constant stream of stuff. Have you considered there might be more to it than hoarding?

That is really awful. Why do you put up with it? You seem to be acutely aware of the problem.

I have a friend who is trying to do this to me atm. I am due in January and she turned up and dumped two ancient, grotty buggies on me (aswell as mounds of other crap). I lost it. I immediately put them out for the bin and told her that they were rubbish. I asked her if she would put her children in them and was told that she had bought her buggies brand new! She’s not tried dumping shit on me since but I plan to continue in the same vein.

DDIJ
My mum does this. In her case it is not a hoarding disorder although she uses my house to hoard. It is about control and making sure I don't develop self esteem or think too highly of myself. She can also then call me lazy and disorganised because I have to deal with a constant stream of stuff. Have you considered there might be more to it than hoarding?

My mum too. We've been almost no-contact for 3 years now and I'm relieved. Hid stuff around my home when I told her I didn't want it. Tried to get my DCs to sneak stuff in. Took clothes I'd bought for DCs and hid them in her home. Told DCs I was a lazy mum, disorganised etc. Her thing wasn't so much buying second hand stuff - but buying dirt cheap tat to her own tastes, not mine, that I'd never ever buy for DCs. Even with food - I'd find tinned meatballs and all sorts, hidden at the back of my cupboards.

It's control freakery in a most unpleasant way. My mum had hassles with my Dad and I now I think it's to do with that. Instead of speaking up or doing something about it, she chose to take it out on her daughters. But not on her precious sons of course, that would never do.

At least I came to an awareness of the reason, I suppose

just dump it all outside her front door, every time

I grew up in my DMs hoarding household and can relate very much! She also did the same thing with children’s gifts and for years I chose to accept them and then “take them to the charity shop” to keep her happy.

Until I realised that I had learned some hoarding tendencies (and had undiagnosed ADHD) so I would put these things in a pile “to get round to” and they NEVER left my house.

By the time I got round to getting rid of them they felt sentimental and I hoarded them. I had to hire a skip and get someone else to come and throw everything out for me because I couldn’t bare it.

Now I say “no”. It’s a complete sentence and it’s the only way

Also I found that I struggled to take clothes to a charity shop but it’s much easier on me mentally to pop them in the clothes banks in car parks, in case that helps anyone

She has a mh problem op. This isnt normal.
Tell her no. And never accept anything from her anymore! Andyour dad is enabling her.
Threathen to cut her ofd from the baby if she does it again. Just make her open her eyes. Tell her you dont ever want anything anymore. And tell her to get some mh help. She has problems. Big ones.. 😣

We had similar with my partners mum. She would go to the jumble sales and try to give us bags of clothes. I used to go through the bags and take one or two items. ThNk her and leave the rest. Also we didn’t live in a big place so could not accommodate anymore. It’s rinse and repeat. Thank but be firm.

This hoarding I'd definitely a complex mental illness. Could your Dad persuade her to seek medical help? That said she cannot be allowed to impact on your baby's life or your life any more than she already has. Tell her you have 1 baby and she is producing enough clothes to clothes a dozen babies. Tell her some poor babies have hardly any clothes do you donated it to them and throw it away if awful or if not too bad take to charity shop.

I recognise a lot of my own mum in this. Her hoarding tendencies are getting worse as she gets older. She was always in the "make do and mend" mindset, but a few weeks before lockdown we had a disagreement because she didn't want me to throw out an old, open sachet of plant food. As if it would still have any nutrients in it. The sort that comes free on a bunch of flowers.

It's not a rational thought process and you can't pander to it, because anything you accept gives them the little momentary high of all the hoarding being worth it because that one thing was useful.

It's not a rational thought process and you can't pander to it, because anything you accept gives them the little momentary high of all the hoarding being worth it because that one thing was useful.

That's a very good point Baileysandice, great name btw. It's all about the reward system in the brain. Just like an addict gets a momentary high from the bet, the drugs, the drink etc.

My mum was a hoarder in her 50s and 60s. She had previously been an alcoholic but once she gave up drinking she replaced it with hoarding. Once I got pregnant she went mad buying stuff for the baby and even changed her spare room into a nursery. It was really sad because the baby was never going to be left at her house unsupervised and was never going to stay over. She died 6 months ago and my dad is still getting rid of all the stuff. This will be my first Christmas without her, she would always turn up with a giant bag of tat which she’d promised not to bring. I miss her but am relieved that I don’t have to face the bag of tat this year.

As regards you not being environmentally friendly, just say that she can be responsible for her carbon footprint and you'll be responsible for yours. I think zero tolerance is the way here - never accept anything. Else it will open the floodgates. If you want to buy second hand stuff, you can do it yourself on your terms (there really isn't a shortage of Preloved baby stuff, some on it pristine and some of it... not).
Attitudes to baby stuff differ. She's done it her way, your turn now.
I don't think you'll be able to do it without hurting her feelings though. Think through your words first so you don't explode in rage.