My mother's incessant hoarding on my son's behalf. Aibu

[HarleyQuinn33]

Background;. Growing up I lived in old clothes, clothes from bags that people donated to us, boys clothes, my middle aged aunts old clothes, shoes 3 sizes too big with cotton wool stuffed in the end. Home made hair cuts. Etc. My mother had a good job but she had a problem with spending any money on us. As an adult, I have no problem with second hand things but do like to like to have choice now and for the things I have to be quality. My in-laws and friends have given my baby nice quality things so I am lucky and well stocked as a new mum.

Current issue: When I became pregnant my mother started asking me if I wanted my cousin's old baby clothes. I said no, she would sit and try and persuade me, I said no again. She would then ask if I wanted her other friends old baby gym, clothes, baby plates etc and everything else, I said maybe just the gym. She continues to talk and try to persuade me to take everything despite me saying I don't need it all. I eventually keep saying I don't need it all and she says ok. I find out a few weeks later she has asked her friend to drop the baby clothes off at the house despite me saying no to them. I got a bit cross at this point because she just didn't listen and I ask her to please respect my wishes and no more things for the baby thank you we already have enough. A few weeks later my father tells me she went to buy a second hand buggy, bag of clothes and mattress from people from gumtree. I was fuming at this point because she apparently has ignored my wishes. The buggy is dirty and old and my mother tries to insist she will just hose off all the grime.

Fast forward, my child is newborn, she presents a bag of girls clothes to me and insists my son wear the items and that it's all ok. I say no but she protests. Later my father slips up and tells me my mother has a garage and shed full of stuff for my son. I am picturing more baby stuff, but he says there are bikes in there, baby walkers, chairs and tables etc. All piled up that she has asked friends to donate for my son. She gets cross because apparently this was a secret between my father and her.

Am I being unreasonable to be fuming right now? I don't know what to do anymore she just won't listen. When I try to say no to anything she twists it and tells me I am not environmentally friendly, she came from a poor family and had nothing, etc. Etc.

You won't change her lucky enough seems you have no problem saying no.
Up to you but you could go and sort through it and there might be some ok things ( we got given some lovely stuff) then help here get rid of the rest.

I think be firm to the point of rudeness with her, OP. She obviously doesn’t care about your feelings (mental illness or not) so I suggest being very blunt with her. Don’t ever accept one thing and if she continues to insist you take stuff, tell her you find this stressful and won’t be seeing her for a while. If she continues to foist a load of old tat on you then you take yourself out of the game.

What has your dad got to say about her hoarding of all this crap? Surely he is complicit in this if the garage is full of junk. I’d be telling him to make her back off as well.

It's worth the fall-out. It is actually worth the rift, saying 'stop'. It sounds harsh, I know, but hoarders are absolute vampires. Your dad is enabling your mum and both of your parents are strong-arming you into enabling her addiction. It is so dysfunctional and stressful.
I have a friend- yes, she's still my friend though I do put space between us- who did to me what your mother is doing to you. Even if I said, very clearly, 'no thank you', I would come home to find black bin liners full of shit on my doorstep. I once had a bin bag full of the cut off bottoms of her teenage daughter's legging. So, from the knee down, pairs and pairs of 'half' leggings. The biggest catch was that she wanted me to keep everything and give it all back to her for her grandchildren. So, my DD was around 4-5 at the time and most of the clothes were ages 10-14 and unwearable. If DD had something lovely (for example, I got a beautiful Oilily coat for a pound at the church bazaar when she was about 3), my friend would try and steal it by pretending to hold onto it for me then walk out my door with it. It was so obvious she wanted these items, even though her daughter was a tween/teen.
I was in tears over the stress this woman caused me. She wouldn't hear no. Eventually, I had to get really firm with her. Still didn't work. She would drop the bags off and I would just get rid of them. I just accepted that I was the one who had to get rid of her stuff on her behalf, without telling her. Eventually, it stopped. I'm not sure if it's because she ran out of clothes or if it's because my DD grew up and was no longer in that 'cute' stage where you want to dress them up (she's going on 11 now, DD is). But anyway, the bags stopped. I also put huuuuuge distance between us and just stopped communication entirely for a couple of years. That helped. And although we're friends, there's a distance there.

I can completely relate to the utter stress this is putting you under, OP. I think it's worth going no contact- yes, that is harsh- short-term. I think you need space. Your mother's and father's behaviour and expectations will absolutely mar your daily life. You have a baby and you don't need these antics interrupting this time with your new baby. You don't need your mother dictating what your child will wear and use, especially when it's all utter crap (believe me, I love second-hand clothing. When the kids were small, they lived in stuff from the charity shop- stuff that was nice. Stuff I could choose! Not someone else's unwearable tat filling up bin liners). I think you ought to take a huge, guilt-free step back from your parents. And I'd actually seek some counselling. I know this may sound far-fetched, but you will have big issues around being raised by a hoarder and an enabling father. You want to break the patterns of their effect on you so that you can parent your own child in peace and also learn to set boundaries with your mother in a way that works. Do this for you!

I think your father needs to step up and help here

As pp have said, this is akin to a mental disorder but you don't need to take it on board. I would simply take anything she hands me and put it straight into the bin in front of her saying something like 'as I've said before I don't want this stuff so I'll just pop it in here shall I, tea?'

I'd be rethinking my Christmas plans to be honest.

No i don't want it on repeat. If someone comes to your house with stuff she has organised tell them no, you have no idea about this, are very sorry but you have plenty of clothes toys etc
Everytime she brings something round do not let it in the house.
You can't be polite or careful with her over this we had this to a lesser extent and after saying no firmly we now get a call first to ask. Usually with an I'll bring it round and if you don't want it bin it. Then i say we have no bin space and can't take it to the tip.

Gosh this sounds so difficult.
I think you should refuse everything. Someone wise up thread said that if you accept one or two things she will use this to justify keeping more and I agree.

TheVanguardSix

It's worth the fall-out. It is actually worth the rift, saying 'stop'. It sounds harsh, I know, but hoarders are absolute vampires. Your dad is enabling your mum and both of your parents are strong-arming you into enabling her addiction. It is so dysfunctional and stressful

THIS^^
And I agree that counseling would be a good idea for you.

Don't try and reason with your mum. She can't stop buying and hoarding. It's a mental disorder, possibly linked to depression, possibly to OCPD, possibly OCD.

Never compromise - don't accept anything from her unless brand new and bought in a shop, even if it's in decent shape and you could do with it.

Get used to saying the word, 'No'. If on the phone, hang up as soon as she starts talking about stuff she has for you. If in person, get up and walk out of the room.

Tell your mum and dad you won't be coming for Christmas.

Stay home. Have a nice quiet Christmas.

You've tried the polite, reasonable thing.

Now you need to say 'No, I don't want it'. Every time. Several times.

She can't have him at her house (when he's a little older) because you have safety concerns.

She can't bring things into your house.

Tell her nightmare stories about bedbug infestations.
Frame it as your own obsession- your new son will have all new things.

"No, I don't want it".

My grandmother was exactly like your mother, the only saving grace was she wasn’t in a position to come and dump stuff on my doorstep. I’m pretty sure she would if she could have though.

The only thing you can do is keep saying no. Don’t ever give in to be kind, or because occasionally she has something which you can actually make use of. If you it’ll get worse (bitter experience talking).

It’s utterly infuriating but there’s nothing you can do, it seems to be some kind of compulsion. My grandmother didn’t grow up poor, but she did group up during the war and I think that made her unable to see anything go to waste. She was the same with food, if we ever ate out she’d take a plastic bag with her and shovel any uneaten food into it to take home for later. I’m not talking about a bit of cake or a biscuit, I mean meat, potatoes, gravy, whatever was on her plate.

Your cousins old baby plates must be really ancient

And as for a dirty old buggy. Goodness me.

I'd be grateful for gifts but I would just say no thanks to things that are ancient and dirty and grimey.

Nothing wrong with second hand thought. I am expecting and I bought some bundles of newborn clothes on Ebay. All nice and modern. Will put them through the wash though before baby is born.

Definitely don’t get into a habit of accepting things and throwing them away/taking them to the charity shop. Who has time for that when they have a baby? It’s as simple and as difficult as just saying no. No mum, not now, not ever.

I think you need to be harsh otherwise she will not listen. Tell her if she leaves something with you it's going in the bin. If she gives it to you bin it in front of her.
Say to her you - may find this disrespectful but you have no respect for me or my wishes so you have left me no choice. Then repeat. Don't give in.

You need to take control of the situation and be absolutely firm with her: no donations, anything she gives you will be chucked, that she has a hoarding problem and needs to get help.

Repeat that ad nauseam. Tell her you will not get into any discussion with her and stand firm on that.

Sympathies op, my dm is similar re the hoarding and saving stuff for decades for grandchildren but is a lovely person so when I’ve refused she kind of accepts it, although she did once go through the charity bags outside my house and take back the things I’d put out! Then soon after when she had my daughter one morning she came back dressed in the clothes I’d put out in the charity bag!
I think it’s definitely linked to childhood poverty. The older generation have also lived through food rationing etc

I couldn’t cope with this. I find it very disrespectful when people don’t take no for an answer.

And I would be livid with her for asking friends of hers for stuff for me when I don’t even need or want them. That is awful behaviour.

I would put everything into the bin right in front of her if I had to to get the message through.

YANBU. Tell her very clearly that you don't want any second hand things for your child. That you have already told her this and she isn't listening. You won't use them, you will ask her to keep them and take them back with her and if she has bought anything she needs to dispose of it.

Like you, I grew up with broken, rubbish, cheap, secondhand everything and was stunned to discover much later in life that my parents were well off. They just didn't think we deserved what other children around us had. I have a loathing of grimy, mended stuff too.

There’s nothing wrong with second hand stuff in good condition, if YOU want it, but it must be your choice. I agree with others that you need to be firm and consistent. Say no to all of it, otherwise the message is confused. I hope that in time she can respect your wishes.

OP, I feel for you -- and I'm speaking as a hoardy type who has learned to channel my hoarding tendencies usefully.
From what you tell us, I'm sensing that your DM has an exaggerated sense of responsibility and can't bear to let usable items go to waste. I'm the same. I donate things, and with old crap I recycle almost everything, including socks and undies, which I weave or patchwork into new items. (It keeps me from snacking while I watch TV. )
May I suggest that you steer your DM in a worthwhile direction? You don't need these hoarded baby items, but someone else might welcome them. In Melbourne, where I live, there's a group called St Kilda Mums, which supplies second-hand baby clothes and furniture to families that need them. Some are fleeing DV, others are just in a difficult financial situation. If there's nothing like this in your mum's neighbourhood, I reckon she'd be the ideal person to start something similar. She's well connected, has a good eye and is obviously thrifty and compassionate. She could do it.
I say this as someone who sympathises with you, OP, yet understands where your DM is coming from.
BTW, as a child of misers/splurgers I had to suffer wearing a ragged school uniform, binding my broken sneakers with rubber bands and going without sanpro. These days I pay for the basics first. Luxuries come later, saved for sensibly.

Are there any charities that might like the donations from your mother? You could then let your mother know that it's great that she's collected all of that stuff, but that as you don't need it here is an organisation that does/
Could you also maybe think of something that she could look out for for you? Marbles, Whimsies, Matchbox cars, gold nuggets! Just something so she feels useful and that you don't end up with loads of old shite?
Sorry this is happening to you though - it's a real shame

Oh that is difficult all round. Does she hoard other items or is it all centred around baby things? She certainly sounds as though she has a problem (and maybe she can't help it). Obviously not suggesting you take it after you've made it so clear but maybe you could get your DH to go and collect it all and say that you know someone it will really be useful to, then donate to a charity shop? Do stand your ground, gently though about having it for your baby although you could take one small/good quality item?

Definitely don’t get into a habit of accepting things and throwing them away/taking them to the charity shop.

Agree with this. MIL is a bit of a hoarder and is slowly clearing her house. Had to tell my DSiL the specific things I wanted from her if she was getting rid of them. Everything else she has to get rid of herself. It got to the point where DH was driving the tat 150 miles just for me to chuck it in the bin straightaway, otherwise he would have just dumped them in his workshop to clutter that up for the next 20 years. Not happening I’m afraid.

You cannot reason with a hoarder as I'm sure you will recognise from TV programmes about it and your own experiences.
The only thing you can do is be very assertive and refuse to accept anything second hand from your mother, ever.
I think you will just have to accept the way she is and change the way you react to her, don't be upset or annoyed, just refuse the stuff and be dismissive. It may be wise to go lowish contact.