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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My mother's incessant hoarding on my son's behalf. Aibu

185 replies

HarleyQuinn33 · 06/12/2020 04:26

Background;. Growing up I lived in old clothes, clothes from bags that people donated to us, boys clothes, my middle aged aunts old clothes, shoes 3 sizes too big with cotton wool stuffed in the end. Home made hair cuts. Etc. My mother had a good job but she had a problem with spending any money on us. As an adult, I have no problem with second hand things but do like to like to have choice now and for the things I have to be quality. My in-laws and friends have given my baby nice quality things so I am lucky and well stocked as a new mum.

Current issue: When I became pregnant my mother started asking me if I wanted my cousin's old baby clothes. I said no, she would sit and try and persuade me, I said no again. She would then ask if I wanted her other friends old baby gym, clothes, baby plates etc and everything else, I said maybe just the gym. She continues to talk and try to persuade me to take everything despite me saying I don't need it all. I eventually keep saying I don't need it all and she says ok. I find out a few weeks later she has asked her friend to drop the baby clothes off at the house despite me saying no to them. I got a bit cross at this point because she just didn't listen and I ask her to please respect my wishes and no more things for the baby thank you we already have enough. A few weeks later my father tells me she went to buy a second hand buggy, bag of clothes and mattress from people from gumtree. I was fuming at this point because she apparently has ignored my wishes. The buggy is dirty and old and my mother tries to insist she will just hose off all the grime.

Fast forward, my child is newborn, she presents a bag of girls clothes to me and insists my son wear the items and that it's all ok. I say no but she protests. Later my father slips up and tells me my mother has a garage and shed full of stuff for my son. I am picturing more baby stuff, but he says there are bikes in there, baby walkers, chairs and tables etc. All piled up that she has asked friends to donate for my son. She gets cross because apparently this was a secret between my father and her.

Am I being unreasonable to be fuming right now? I don't know what to do anymore she just won't listen. When I try to say no to anything she twists it and tells me I am not environmentally friendly, she came from a poor family and had nothing, etc. Etc.

OP posts:
JillofTrades · 06/12/2020 11:15

I think she was abusive to you. she made you grow up like that when you could have easily not. You need to be absolutely clear and blunt with her. She turns up with a bag of junk, don't allow her or the bag of junk through the door. She is now using your son as a scapegoat for her hoarding.

Squidwitch · 06/12/2020 11:20

This is probably really stressful for you, and piles so many unwanted emotions on YOU not her, she is literally giving you emotional distress, on top of the junk. Please don't accept any of it, it's not the solution, it's not your job to re-home it. As for her saying it's better for the environment, it really isn't, as she is stopping someone else having it who may need it, and then they have to buy new. I think give her one task item a month or quarter, (made up if need be) say, 'mum I'd really like a xylophone this winter, nothing else, and only one. I'll let you enjoy finding a really special one!' you really shouldn't accept anything you haven't asked for, she's not a Labrador, her feelings are allowed to be hurt

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 06/12/2020 11:25

If she is a hoarder, then you need to be extremely firm with boundaries. We went through an extremely long road with a relative who was a pretty high level hoarder, whose favourite activities included getting bags of crap off people from Facebook and Gumtree and trying to foist them on people.

When hoarders have filled their own houses, they often start doing the same to relatives. Sometimes it's under the guise of helping them, sometimes they ask you to just look after a few things. Either way, it can escalate.

Never take a bag and then donate it or chuck it yourself. Or take a few items just to be kind. Sadly, being kind can just make it worse as they'll feel justified in what they are doing. It's awful to be cruel to a loved one, but the priority needs to be protecting yourself.

TheKeatingFive · 06/12/2020 11:25

I think you need to give her absolutely NO QUARTER!

I wouldn't take ANYTHING from her

Totally agree with this. If you take anything, it’s validation and will inspire her to keep going. Refuse it all. Return it to her house if she insists. Keep going til she gets the message.

DougRossIsTheBoss · 06/12/2020 11:26

I like the line of
No I cannot use this.
If you want someone to use it then please take it to a charity shop where someone else might want it.
I am not going to use it so there is no point in you giving it to me.

It's about control to a degree as well isn't it?
My MIL is a very controlling woman. Literally no ability to understand that her way is not the only way or that other people can make different choices which are also valid.
Loads of cats bum face judgement about us choosing to buy a new item over accepting her crap especially if it isn't the cheapest thing ever.
Well you are a grown up now and you can make your own choices about what your child needs.

DeeCeeCherry · 06/12/2020 11:27

Don't 'try to say no'. Just say no, and don't engage in further conversation about it. If she wants to store tat at her place that's her prerogative. It's not at yours. Anything brought to your house, dump it on her doorstep and thats the end of it. If she talks about 2nd hand clothes etc don't have the conversation, if she's persistent walk away. People like this are extremely insistent. It's your Mum but you have to be cruel to be kind. You can talk about other things hopefully aside from 2nd hand tat.

Gingernaut · 06/12/2020 11:31

My parents were hoarders. It was horrendous.

My DM was very mentally unwell and went to charity shops, signed up for 'collectibles' at the back of Women's Weekly and was conned into parting with huge sums of (my self employed DF's) money for absolute tat.

Going though the house after she died was awful.

There was no distinction between sentimental family photos and keepsakes and the toot she bought - The sacred front room, where only the best visitors were entertained, looked like a second hand shop.

Wedding photos shared space with a novelty duck hairdryer, overpriced, worthless, modern reproductions of vintage Matchbox cars shared space with collectible teapots, broken jewellery and all of it with price tags still attached.

Tracking down important paperwork like birth, marriage and naturalisation certificates for the registry office, coroner and funeral directors was a screaming nightmare - they were found in multiple places under the stairs, behind the boiler and in kitchen drawers.

She couldn't resist what the sellers told her were 'bargains'. Fabric which she just folded into drawers, net curtains which were never put up, strange looking clothes which fitted no one, 'charity' packs of wondrously expensive wool, bundled with a badly photocopied jumper pattern and a letter of thanks from someone in Nepal (yeah, right)

It was infuriating, because it wasn't cheap and she'd left DF with real financial issues which he had to deal with until he died.

As much of it was filthy, broken and beyond worthless, there was no way we could get any price for it and most of it was thrown out.

Tens of thousands of ££££ wasted.

Thankfully, she never got a credit card.

DF hoarded stuff for his work. The garden had three sheds and looked like a salvage yard.

Broken tools which shut down after 5 minutes use, old sanders which no longer held down the paper and gouged the surfaces, old bits of architechtural salvage, 'nice' bits of good wood, old imperial tools when everyone went metric - some of it went for scrap (lead, tin, pewter, steel and copper), some went to people who wanted random stained glass fittings or a lorry tyre turned inside out for a plant pot.

It was funny and WTF???? all at the same time.

Your DM is wasting money, creating a vermin and fire hazard, preventing her own husband from using space he's entitled to and abusing you in the process.

If she gets even one bag of her filth through your front door, there'll be an avalanche to follow.

Vintage stuff may look cute in internet pictures, but corroded copper is toxic, painted items could be lead and safety standards have improved.

There are a lot of prams and buggies that could trap and amputate fingers, cot mattresses that give off toxic polyurethane fumes or moulds, cords, pom poms or tassels that could strangle or choke a baby and old electrical items are just fit for a skip - who knows if they're safe?

She needs help to sort through what might actually be useful and what needs to be skipped.

Washed clothes could be sent to charity shops labelled as rags but most of it would not even be recyclable.

You have my sympathy OP, you are not alone.

2bazookas · 06/12/2020 11:33

This is abnormal behaviour by your mum, she clearly has an obsession that she can't control. It's a MH problem that overwhelms her and she can't stop.

  So, don't take it personally. She's not doing it to hurt or offend you.  No point being angry with someone for an illness they can't  help and can't stop.  

   Next time she brings a bag of rubbish or unwanted  stuff, just say " You;re not well Mum so there's no point arguing.  I'll put that in the garage and deal with it later".  After she's gone, you take it to a charity shop or the dump. And next time you see her, you tell her so  " Mum,  the latest hoard  has all gone to the charity shop. You have a hoarding problem that's out of control  and this is how I'm going to  handle it from now on".   Rinse and repeat.

    I'd also contact all her  known sources (friends and relatives) and  ask them not to donate any more used  stuff to her "for you and GS".  Because  she has a hoarding  MH problem that's out of control  and causing problems. 

     Then you need to talk to your Dad, and tell him  you have a new strategy  . He could help you by reinforcing it ; whenever she brings home more unwanted  rubbish he could remind her " We  both know  Harley Quinn won't take it any more .  We need to get some help  for you".
DougRossIsTheBoss · 06/12/2020 11:41

When she says
It's not environmentally friendly to buy new
Or
I grew up poor (implication you shouldn't waste money)

That's her trying to foist her values and ways of doing things on you.

Maybe you do care about the environment or maybe you don't give much of a shit about it or you feel the economy could do with people buying a few things right now.
Either way It's your choice not hers.
Rejecting the stuff does entail rejecting her ways but that's OK
You can still love her but not want to bring your child up just as she did.

When you are a new mum and not sure of yourself then the older generation think they have a right to tell you how to do it. As you go along you work out what's important to you and how you want to parent and they lose their power a bit.

I used to care when MIL criticised my parenting (I don't know why you make food from scratch/ have their parties at home/ don't take them to enough baby groups/ give them calpol/ want to buy a new buggy etc etc).

These days I don't give a shiny shit. I nod and smile and then I say 'this is what we are doing.' As your kids are older it is obvious that they love you and they want to do things the way they are used to ie your way so MIL loses any power to control.

So start as you mean to go on and just consistently refuse any further offers. No thank you. I can't use that take it away. No further discussion.

ZenNudist · 06/12/2020 11:44

Agree you can't take anything from her. She sounds very difficult.

Can you sit her down and tell her you are worried about her. Hoarding is sign of mental illness and she needs to seek counselling. Tell her that you will not accept anything from her as you are not going to justify the hoarding.

Say you don't want to continually battle with her and that she is damaging your relationship. Offer to help her take the things to charity or the skip to make a clean break on the condition that she stops this behaviour.

Finally if she continued to argue with you you should consider giving yourself some space from her and telling her why. Say you love her but can't cope with being constantly argued with and a barrage of accusations.

Good luck.

misskick · 06/12/2020 11:45

You need to hold your boundaries and keep saying no. Maybe use the same scripted response when she brings up her childhood
"I appreciate that it must off been a struggle for you growing up, But we are in a much better position financially and really don't need the items your collecting"
Eventually if you are giving the same response she will realise you are not budging from your decision and giving false hope.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 06/12/2020 11:50

She's clearly quite unwell and always has been to some extent.

Accept it, wash it and give it away. If she asks just tell her that you told her no, she went ahead anyway and there are plenty of needy people you thought could benefit.
Or turn it into a battleground.

ilhahih · 06/12/2020 11:51

Just keep saying "No, thank you".
Maybe tell her once that you do not need anything so she should stop acquiring stuff as you won't be accepting any of it.
Then if she turns up with anything just refuse to take it. Say "No, thank you. I don't need this."
I'd try not to let the stuff in the house at all. Tell her to leave it on the doorstep as you'll be taking it to the charity shop later.
So what if there's an almighty row.
She's brought on herself by refusing to take no for an answer. You'll be the bad one for causing the row but so bloody what.

DougRossIsTheBoss · 06/12/2020 12:32

I don't agree with accepting it and giving it away. That is enabling the behaviour and so it will continue and escalate into a major job of work dealing with all the stuff.
Even people who are mentally ill (perhaps especially people who are mentally ill) need boundaries.

Hoarding is chronic and has a poor prognosis. Most people are not cured even if they have counselling. Big clear outs just result in re-accumulation. Containment is the best that can be hoped for and that needs some boundaries and some tough love.

You need to give a message that you still love her and you like to spend time with her and value her advice (if that's true or say whatever is true) but you will not accept the stuff.

ScrapThatThen · 06/12/2020 12:43

She's difficult, probably affected by some challenging circumstances in childhood. Hoarding is often about loss/emotional neglect/things representing care. She clearly thinks of your son every minute of every day. Try to let go of being cross - YANBU to be cross but it's a waste of your emotional energy as she won't change. The garage full of stuff is not your problem, it's your dfs. He also should not have enabled this. Say no to anything you are asked about. Accept a reasonable number of gifts graciously but make clear you will throw out or recycle anything that you can't use. Tell her 'I would really like it if you would buy him something small that is new and that you have especially chosen for him - this would mean a lot and go a long way to showing me that you do care about us'. This won't work but it would be an opportunity for personal growth for her.

thevassal · 06/12/2020 12:52

@TwentyViginti

The older generation have also lived through food rationing etc

Rationing ended in 1954.

Thank you! This always gets trotted out on here, it seems a bizarre disconnect to time - although there are outliers in both sides, if the average age of a first time mother in the UK today is around 28, and the average age when they were born was 25 (www.comparethemarket.com/life-insurance/content/changing-age-of-uk-parents/)

Then the "average" first time grandparent today is going to be in their early/mid fifties, i.e. not even born until the mid-late 1960s. They will often still be working full time and living full and active lifestyles, not doddery ancients in cardigans by the fire - and certainly won't be affected by memories of rationing as it ended more than a decade before they were born!

(it also can't really be used as an explanation for racist/sexist behaviour as it often is on here, but that's by the by....)

Yohoheaveho · 06/12/2020 12:55

It sounds like compulsive behaviour /disordered personality type thing
You'll just have to be very very firm with her

MargosKaftan · 06/12/2020 13:06

I think its ok for the OP to blame her dad a bit, and as a parent, does need to assess his role in allowing her dysfunctional childhood. He knew his wife was putting his dc in shoes 3 sizes too big as they were free, rather than buying them new shoes that they could afford. But he didn't take his dc to get new shoes that fit them. He didn't go and buy suitable clothing for them.

He took the easy path. And made his dcs put up with it.

Peregrina · 06/12/2020 13:10

DH and I didn't become grandparents until our mid-sixties. We were both born during the tail end of rationing and we remember zilch about it. What 3 or 4 year old would?

So rationing might have informed a great grandparent's behaviour, but in which case, it's high time to stop the rot now!

TatianaBis · 06/12/2020 13:18

My parents were born 37 and 38. They absolutely remember rationing and we were brought up with a strong cultural memory of it. No food was ever thrown away that could be put in a box in the fridge and eaten up. That generation didn’t throw anything away either that could be mended or re-used.

While OP has a toddler she and her mum must be quite a bit younger than I am, her mother coming from a poor family produces the same mindset.

That said there’s quite a long way between make and mend and hoarding as an OCD disorder.

Peregrina · 06/12/2020 13:26

We don't know whether the mother did come from a poor family though.

Coming from a poor background can also produce the opposite effect - that now they can afford good things new, they won't entertain the idea of even good quality second hand stuff.

TatianaBis · 06/12/2020 13:34

That’s what mother claims, OP doesn’t say it’s not true.

But yes - it can go either way. People can keep to the habit of frugality or go the other way and insist on everything brand new.

SmudgeButt · 06/12/2020 13:35

Go to her house, open the garage that is stacked to the eaves, pick out one item that is not too dire and declare you like it and will have it happily. BUT YOU HAVE NO ROOM FOR ANYTHING ELSE!

Thank her for the one item and then walk away.

SmudgeButt · 06/12/2020 13:36

And I must admit I feel sorry for your dad who will have to dump all the stuff that remains.

thosetalesofunexpected · 06/12/2020 14:07

Hi Op
I can see both sides here yours and your mothers viewpoints

You really need to ensure those boundaries are kept in place..

An quite astute Posters have said it is now recognized as a mental health disorder and a real challenge to overcome,
As its difficult stressful for hoarder to admit they have a issue/they are often in denial and it often relates to adverse/negative life experincs such as for e.g crap childhood etc.

Your mother would need some kind of therapy in order for her to change,improve in some way..

It is more envorimentally better to buy second hand clothes stuff

But your mother has clearly got Psychological/emotional issue
With sheer volume of stuff
It sounds like she has got a charity shop warehouse storage facility going on there

(She your mother really needs to do the charity shops all of them rounds, where she,you live donating everything she currently owns..

Best of luck..

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