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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think considering a break makes you a bad mum

123 replies

Kissedbyarose · 05/12/2020 20:48

I had my first baby a few weeks before lockdown 1.

We’ve never had any support with our baby from family and we’ve never left him with anyone.

I’ve only left the house a few times without my son and that was to go to the Drs and to get my hair cut.

I suffer with anxiety and so far I’ve not put DS to bed without me, so every night I come to bed at the same time as him.
He goes into his cot and I sit and watch a film in bed on my ipad.

I have a video monitor but I’m so worried something could happen to DS that I’d rather stay in the room.

The thing is I’m really missing spending time with my husband. I just keep thinking how lovely it would be so go down and enjoy a glass of wine with him one evening, go and have a bath and read a book, watch a film with DH.

I then start to feel so so guilty and con convince myself I’m a bad mum and don’t deserve my son if I feel like I want to have a break and time to myself.

I don’t know of how I’m feeling is normal.
Is it normal to feel like I want some adult time? Is it normal to feel like I want to enjoy a glass of wine and some alone time with my husband? Is it normal to feel guilty about wanting it?

Do these things make me a bad mum?

I could literally cry with how bad this is making me feel.

OP posts:
Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 05/12/2020 20:50

It does not make you a bad mum and the way it is making you feel is worrying and I think you should speak to your HV/GP to get some support. You DC will benefit from you having a strong marriage so don't feel guilty about taking time to work on that.

FoxyTheFox · 05/12/2020 20:51

Having a break does not make you a bad mum.

Wanting time to yourself does not make you a bad mum.

Informing your DH that you will be in the garden drinking wine under the patio heater and he can deal with fucking bedtime does not make you a bad mum.

There's this saying that goes "you can't pour water from an empty jug". You are the jug and you have to take time to refill otherwise you can't do the things you need to do.

Original poster
Kissedbyarose · 05/12/2020 20:52

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

I think you should speak to your HV/GP to get some support.

Support with what?

OP posts:
BonnieDundee · 05/12/2020 20:52

No.it doesnt make you a bad mum. It makes you normal. Go and have that glass of wine and enjoy it. You'll be far more relaxed and happier for it

Original poster
Kissedbyarose · 05/12/2020 20:53

@FoxyTheFox

Having a break does not make you a bad mum.

Wanting time to yourself does not make you a bad mum.

Informing your DH that you will be in the garden drinking wine under the patio heater and he can deal with fucking bedtime does not make you a bad mum.

There's this saying that goes "you can't pour water from an empty jug". You are the jug and you have to take time to refill otherwise you can't do the things you need to do.

@FoxyTheFox

I just feel so guilty. I’d love to sit and enjoy a glass of wine but I don’t feel like I should now I’ve got DS.

I can’t explain it, I just feel full of guilt for feeling like I want something for myself.’

OP posts:
Namechange2020lalala · 05/12/2020 20:56

I understand the desire to protect and be near your child, it's a natural instinct. But it has to be balanced with self care. Have you explored using baby monitors etc, so you can check up when you're in another room?

Aria2015 · 05/12/2020 20:56

Your lo is asleep and will not have any clue (or care!) if you're in the same room watching a film on your iPad or downstairs with your dh, having a glass of wine. You're not missing any milestones while he sleeps! You are a mother (a very lovely one by the sounds of it) but you're also a wife and most importantly, you're you! Don't lose yourself!

FoxyTheFox · 05/12/2020 20:57

Really and truly you don't need to feel guilty, DS won't care that you're not sitting in the room while he sleeps.

Put him to bed, switch the monitor on and leave the door open, and go downstairs. The first time is the hardest.

Original poster
Kissedbyarose · 05/12/2020 20:57

@Namechange2020lalala

I understand the desire to protect and be near your child, it's a natural instinct. But it has to be balanced with self care. Have you explored using baby monitors etc, so you can check up when you're in another room?
@Namechange2020lalala

We have baby monitors, I could take it down with me. I just haven’t done it because of the worry and guilt.

OP posts:
GurlwiththeCurl · 05/12/2020 20:57

You are not a bad Mum in any way at all. What you are is a human being, who is overwhelmed by this new responsibility and who needs to give herself a break.

Your baby’s father should be supporting you and helping you to have some small breaks.

Best of luck.

SpudulikaSlob · 05/12/2020 20:58

It's quite extreme to never have a break from being a mother.
Would you begrudge your friends having a drink with their partner once their baby is asleep? Perhaps you should be less harsh on yourself.

Kintsugi16 · 05/12/2020 20:59

Children should enhance your life, not dominate them

Original poster
Kissedbyarose · 05/12/2020 20:59

@FoxyTheFox

Put him to bed, switch the monitor on and leave the door open, and go downstairs. The first time is the hardest.

I can’t leave the door open to the bedroom because we have a cat and I don’t want her to go into the room.
So I worry about going down and leaving the door closed. Confused

OP posts:
Meredithgrey1 · 05/12/2020 20:59

[quote Kissedbyarose]@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

I think you should speak to your HV/GP to get some support.

Support with what?[/quote]
For the anxiety you mention. Your son is around 9 months? You really shouldn’t be this hard on yourself for wanting some time with your husband while your DS is asleep. Most 9 month olds are sleeping the whole night in a separate room - I’m not saying you should do that, but letting him sleep while you sit downstairs should not have you worrying that you don’t deserve him! It’s totally normal to be wanting some time with your husband, I wouldn’t even call it a “break” if your DS is still upstairs.

Kintsugi16 · 05/12/2020 21:00

......not dominate ‘it’

Honestly 💐

BigPlanes · 05/12/2020 21:00

This was me. You probably have post natal anxiety. Take the monitor, go downstairs!

Original poster
Kissedbyarose · 05/12/2020 21:00

@SpudulikaSlob

It's quite extreme to never have a break from being a mother. Would you begrudge your friends having a drink with their partner once their baby is asleep? Perhaps you should be less harsh on yourself.
@SpudulikaSlob

No I wouldn’t begrudge anyone.

I just feel like it makes me a bad mum for taking “me” time.

OP posts:
lockedownloretta · 05/12/2020 21:01

If you want your baby to grow up with a mummy and daddy who lo e each other and enjoy being together then go downstairs and drink that wine!

Lostthetastefordahlias · 05/12/2020 21:02

Having a break makes me a lot better mum, if that might be a helpful way to think about it. How would you feel if you could replenish yourself with some time for yourself? Surely better than you do now?
I think many people feel a bit guilty about leaving their babies and its also natural to be anxious about your new role! I found a completely different experience with my second - once you have got used to leaving your first to resume your life to some extent, I found it makes it feel more natural with the second straight away. You might find the book “mind over mother”” by anna mathur helpful - I read it recently and was impressed.

This is a very hard time to have your first baby. Best of luck Flowers

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 05/12/2020 21:02

Imo you owe it to your dc to also nurture your marriage...

Teacupsandtoast · 05/12/2020 21:02

Why can't your husband come snuggle up and watch a movie with you? Or lie in bed with his own ipad so you can have a bath? If baby is over 6 months now, you absolutely do not have to stay in the same room as him when he sleeps. Why dont you go out for a walk alone tomorrow - would that be an issue?

YesPleaseMary · 05/12/2020 21:03

No, not a bad mum at all. Take the monitor down, have a glass of wine with your husband. You’ll hear your baby if he wakes. You need to look after yourself and I bet your husband would like to spend some time with you too. He’s your partner in this, and it’s so easy to get wrapped up in the children and then suddenly wonder who the man on the other side of the bed is. Be kind to yourself.

Nackajory · 05/12/2020 21:03

Sounds like the worry and guilt are getting the better of you. Those type of feelings are normal of course but perhaps the strange circumstances of lockdown have had a bigger impact than you realise. It's totally normal to want a break, absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Your baby has 2 parents, let your partner manage baby for a bit whilst you get outside or have a long soak in the bath.

Kintsugi16 · 05/12/2020 21:03

You have a husband and a life, not just a child. I also believe you should seek help.
I’m sorry

jgjgjgjgjg · 05/12/2020 21:03

If you had your baby before lockdown 1 (so in March) he/she is around 8 or 9 months old now. That level of anxiety is normal for a Mum of a newborn, but not so much 8 months later. I would suggest getting in contact with your local perinatal mental health team and asking for some support. If that is not available, perhaps consider a private counsellor if you can afford it.