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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think considering a break makes you a bad mum

123 replies

Kissedbyarose · 05/12/2020 20:48

I had my first baby a few weeks before lockdown 1.

We’ve never had any support with our baby from family and we’ve never left him with anyone.

I’ve only left the house a few times without my son and that was to go to the Drs and to get my hair cut.

I suffer with anxiety and so far I’ve not put DS to bed without me, so every night I come to bed at the same time as him.
He goes into his cot and I sit and watch a film in bed on my ipad.

I have a video monitor but I’m so worried something could happen to DS that I’d rather stay in the room.

The thing is I’m really missing spending time with my husband. I just keep thinking how lovely it would be so go down and enjoy a glass of wine with him one evening, go and have a bath and read a book, watch a film with DH.

I then start to feel so so guilty and con convince myself I’m a bad mum and don’t deserve my son if I feel like I want to have a break and time to myself.

I don’t know of how I’m feeling is normal.
Is it normal to feel like I want some adult time? Is it normal to feel like I want to enjoy a glass of wine and some alone time with my husband? Is it normal to feel guilty about wanting it?

Do these things make me a bad mum?

I could literally cry with how bad this is making me feel.

OP posts:
Teacupsandtoast · 05/12/2020 21:04

Oh and mine are 5 and 8 now......I quite happily go and do fun stuff for me on a regular basis without a jot of guilt. Honestly, the quicker you can get over the mum guilt, the happier and less anxious you'll feel

LolaLollypop · 05/12/2020 21:05

My son was also born just before lockdown 1. He’s asleep in his crib and me and DH are having a takeaway on the sofa. I think what you are describing is quite irrational. It’s not normal to watch your 9 month old whilst they sleep. It’s not really even normal to watch a newborn (in person I mean, obviously you’d keep an eye on a baby monitor!). Wanting some time to yourself does not make you a bad mum. You’re still the person you were before you became a mum too, right? Your baby would want you to still enjoy time with your husband. You’ve made a family, not just a baby, if that makes sense!
If you’re still feeling anxious and low about it then please speak to your GP about it.

OwlBeThere · 05/12/2020 21:05

Of course it doesn’t. This level of anxiety at leaving him to go downstairs isn’t normal.

SnackSizeRaisin · 05/12/2020 21:05

We put ours in her own cot in her own room from 6 months and left her to it all night (unless she cried). I think that is what most parents do! After the first few weeks, it is totally normal to leave them whilst they sleep so I don't know why you should feel guilty about that.
Go and enjoy your wine. You can keep checking that video monitor or even nip back up to check him every half hour if you want.
Also, just because you are now a parent and will put your baby first, it's not wrong to still want to do things for yourself. In fact it's putting far too much pressure on a child to be their mum's entire life.
See it as being a good role model that you can be a good mum and still be your own person

Original poster
Kissedbyarose · 05/12/2020 21:06

@Teacupsandtoast

Why can't your husband come snuggle up and watch a movie with you? Or lie in bed with his own ipad so you can have a bath? If baby is over 6 months now, you absolutely do not have to stay in the same room as him when he sleeps. Why dont you go out for a walk alone tomorrow - would that be an issue?
@Teacupsandtoast

He does most nights to be fair.
Some nights I will go down for an hour whilst DH stairs or vice versa.

But I don’t think it’s time alone I miss. It’s time with my husband, not sat in bed being quite.
Having a glass of wine together, sharing a takeaway, watching a film.

I just feel like we can’t (or shouldn’t) do that now we have DS to prioritise.

OP posts:
FMyUterus · 05/12/2020 21:06

This is so far from normal it's painful. You need to get some help for your anxiety

mynameiscalypso · 05/12/2020 21:07

This sounds more harsh than I mean but I think not giving yourself a break can make you a bad mother. DS is a few months older but I am 100% a better mother to him when I get a break from him (nap time/early evening when he's gone to bed/nursery now). I get time to do my own thing, have adult conversation, watch something other than programmes about motorbikes on TV, do whatever really. That means that, when I am with DS, I can be much more present and I don't mind reading Three Billy Goats Gruff for the 80th time. DS and I have a very strong and secure bond and that's been made even stronger by allowing him independence from me.

FMyUterus · 05/12/2020 21:07

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Teacupsandtoast · 05/12/2020 21:09

You can and you should, otherwise you'll both end up miserable. Go downstairs, pour wine, enjoy. Your baby will be fine. You won't be if you carry on along this vein. Have you got a local nct branch or postnatal support group/charity?

Original poster
Kissedbyarose · 05/12/2020 21:09

@FMyUterus

Or if you don't think you have anxiety then get a grip
@FMyUterus

I said in my OP that i have anxiety.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 05/12/2020 21:09

I don't understand why sitting on the sofa with your DH and having a takeaway means you're not prioritising your child. They're asleep - you can do whatever you want!

Rosebel · 05/12/2020 21:09

Is your baby in a Moses basket? I put my baby in his Moses basket downstairs so I'm with him but also with my husband too. Would that be an option?
You do need time for yourself but I know it's hard with a baby. I had 2 nights away from my baby when I ended up in hospital when he was 3 weeks old. He's nearly 6 months now and haven't had any time away from him since.
Does your husband know how you feel? Does he support you?

ContessaDiPulpo · 05/12/2020 21:10

*But I don’t think it’s time alone I miss. It’s time with my husband, not sat in bed being quite.
Having a glass of wine together, sharing a takeaway, watching a film.

I just feel like we can’t (or shouldn’t) do that now we have DS to prioritise.*

As gently as possible, this is an unusual state of affairs 9 months in and indicates that your anxieties are quite a lot more pronounced than most. You need to let yourself have a break, what you're doing is not healthy. You and your DH will both be happier for it and your DS just won't notice, he really won't.

AliasGrape · 05/12/2020 21:10

I can empathise OP, I had my baby 4 months ago, we’ve also had no family or other support and I do the same with coming to bed when she does. (On mn now whilst she’s asleep on my shoulder actually) I’m thinking I’ll do this till 6 months when the guidelines say you can start leaving them to sleep without you, but who knows if I’ll feel ready to do that at 6 months.

My DH offers to take her for the night so I can sleep in the spare room but I don’t feel ready to be away from her overnight yet (bottle feeding so we could theoretically). He offers to take baby out for the day so I can chill at home and have some me time and again, I’d love to but I’m not ready. He does take her for a half hour walk in the evenings sometimes just so I can sit in silence! And takes her weekend mornings so I can lie in then shower in peace.

I do miss ‘me time’ and miss being able to sit up with my husband in the evenings or miss being able to enjoy a few drinks (I could I just can’t face doing that and then doing the nights). I miss lots of things. I don’t feel guilty about missing them though, I think it’s natural to do so. I’m not ready to do those things yet but hopefully it’ll be a natural progression and I’ll start to feel ready to separate that tiny bit more over time.

I do think you should speak to your GP or HV. I think missing me time and feeling guilty, struggling with adapting to being a mum but also still trying to be you etc - I think that’s very normal. But you sound so low about it and really quite paralysed by anxiety and perhaps some support with that might be useful?

TheRubyRedshoes · 05/12/2020 21:10

Op it's absolutely totally normal to want to be next too and protect your dc!. Its a mum natural instinct.

Do what you feel comfortable with and you will realise, you can hear him from other parts of the 🏡 (unless your in a mansion) and gradually try, 10 mins away, 20 and then an hour...

What's important is to do what you're comfortable with BUT also remember your baby relies on you so you do need a break and some you time to re charge your batteries. Otherwise you can't look after him! Good luck Flowers

Tinkerbell456 · 05/12/2020 21:10

I don’t think you sound like a bad mum at all. You do sound anxious though, as you say. You sound like a really devoted mum who, understandably, could not bear to think of anything happening to their baby. Maybe the fact that it’s your first child doesn’t help either. You do need some time for you and also to keep bonded to your other half. My 2c worth: take the monitor downstairs and have a glass of wine with your fella. If anything does happen ( hugely unlikely) you will know and you are only downstairs.💐

FoxyTheFox · 05/12/2020 21:10

I just feel like we can’t (or shouldn’t) do that now we have DS to prioritise.

You don't have DS to prioritise. Basic needs of food, shelter, clothing, and care - yeah, thats a given - but you're important too and you have to prioritise your own needs sometimes.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 05/12/2020 21:11

Bloody hell OP give yourself a break - of course it doesn't make you a bad mum. Having a bit of time to myself makes me a better mum but l am lucky that l have got my mum nearby who is always happy to have DD so DH and l can go out or not. But even if you put baby to bed and have a nice bath, he will be fine - maybe build it up, just start small, 5 mins at a time then 10, then 20 etc.

shreddednips · 05/12/2020 21:11

You're definitely not a bad mum for wanting a break! But I completely understand where you're coming from. I have PTSD related to birth trauma and it made me horrendously anxious to leave DS even for a few minutes. I felt horribly uncomfortable and anxious even leaving him downstairs being cuddled by DH while I had a shower or caught up on sleep.

However, you really do need some time to relax and unwind and take care of yourself too. Feeling anxious like this is exhausting and it's not 'normal' to the degree that you are experiencing it I don't think. That is not meant unkindly or as a criticism, but you may need some outside help to deal with these feelings. My GP referred me to MIMHS who were incredibly helpful, kind, and non-judgemental. I would really encourage you to speak to your GP and ask for support Thanks

Original poster
Kissedbyarose · 05/12/2020 21:11

I really think this all stems from my childhood.

My mum abandoned me and my brother when I was 9.

She made contact a few years ago and we still speak.

She’s a terrible mother and she’s made me feel bad about myself, I’m absolutely petrified that my son will feel as unloved and abandoned as I do.

OP posts:
whoknows2 · 05/12/2020 21:12

Know the saying about how you need to put your oxygen mask on before you will be able to help anyone else?

You need to take care of yourself to be able to take care of others. 'Me time' isn't indulgent, it's a necessity - a happy, relaxed mum is the best thing for your little one.

FippertyGibbett · 05/12/2020 21:13

You need to start small and build it up.
First night you go downstairs, leaving baby alone, then you go back up.
Next night you go down and wait a whole minute downstairs before going back up.
You continue to build it up for longer periods as you see that no harm will come to him.
You need to sort this out for the sake of your marriage too.

I had cats when mine were born and I put a little hook on the door so that the cats couldn’t get in, but so I didn’t have to actually shut the bedroom door.

flaviaritt · 05/12/2020 21:13

It’s not only normal, it’s vital for you to have time to decompress. Parenting is hard. Pace yourself.

mindutopia · 05/12/2020 21:14

You absolutely do need to go and enjoy some time with your dh. Burning yourself into the ground will not make you a good mum. Having time and space and a rest definitely makes you a better mum (in fact, for me, going back to work made such a huge difference and really changed the quality of my relationship with my dc 100% for the better). You can't be there for your children if you are just holding on to your own sanity. Also, they often tend to sleep better and feel happier if you aren't nervously hovering around. At 9 ish months, I went away for the weekend alone for the first time (dh at home), and it was amazing. Do get some support for your anxiety. It's no way to live and it wasn't until I started to feel better again that I realised how truly miserable I had been.

Teacupsandtoast · 05/12/2020 21:15

Well unless you have plans to fuck off and leave, this is highly unlikely, don't you think? You obviously adore the very bones of the child, so don't kill yourself by being a martyr. Are you downstairs with the monitor now?