Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To think considering a break makes you a bad mum

123 replies

Kissedbyarose · 05/12/2020 20:48

I had my first baby a few weeks before lockdown 1.

We’ve never had any support with our baby from family and we’ve never left him with anyone.

I’ve only left the house a few times without my son and that was to go to the Drs and to get my hair cut.

I suffer with anxiety and so far I’ve not put DS to bed without me, so every night I come to bed at the same time as him.
He goes into his cot and I sit and watch a film in bed on my ipad.

I have a video monitor but I’m so worried something could happen to DS that I’d rather stay in the room.

The thing is I’m really missing spending time with my husband. I just keep thinking how lovely it would be so go down and enjoy a glass of wine with him one evening, go and have a bath and read a book, watch a film with DH.

I then start to feel so so guilty and con convince myself I’m a bad mum and don’t deserve my son if I feel like I want to have a break and time to myself.

I don’t know of how I’m feeling is normal.
Is it normal to feel like I want some adult time? Is it normal to feel like I want to enjoy a glass of wine and some alone time with my husband? Is it normal to feel guilty about wanting it?

Do these things make me a bad mum?

I could literally cry with how bad this is making me feel.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kissedbyarose · 05/12/2020 23:43

@Winterwoollies

The levels and anxiety you’re feeling are not normal. They’re not healthy. They’re making you feel like shit and may well have a negative impact on your baby as he gets bigger. BUT please don’t allow that to make you feel worse. You’re obviously a wonderful mum but you won’t be able to if you don’t take some time to care for yourself.

You may need to talk to someone, a GP or HV if you can get hold of one, to get some perinatal support with your anxieties.

You mustn’t feel guilty for not breathing over your son every minute. I think it might be important for you to break that before it becomes obsessive.

I had my baby in lockdown and I love putting him safely and snugly to bed on his own room, taking the monitor down and having an evening all to myself. He’s grown in his own independence at bedtime (he’s probably a few months younger than yours) and I am relaxed because I have time for myself. It’s wonderful and it’s sustainable.

Would you tell me that I’m a terrible mother for putting my baby safely to bed and having my dinner and watching tv/reading a book downstairs? Probably not.

@Winterwoollies

No I wouldn’t tell you that. You sound like a great mum.

OP posts:

Macaroni46 · 05/12/2020 23:45

So glad I had my babies 20+ years ago. This all sounds bonkers!!

Winterwoollies · 05/12/2020 23:50

@Kissedbyarose well, so do you. But you must look after yourself for your baby and that means dealing with the complex reasoning behind your mental health and then your resulting habits and behaviours. And there are people who can do that with you. I’d start with a health visitor and go from there.

You must want to enjoy being a mum and it sounds like you’re consumed by misplaced guilt and stress and you shouldn’t be. Good luck.

corythatwas · 05/12/2020 23:52

Macaroni46, that was a remarkably unhelpful post on a thread where the OP openly acknowledges that her anxiety stems from having been abandoned by her own mother as a young child- so nothing whatsoever to do with today being different from 20 years ago.

Embracelife · 05/12/2020 23:57

@Kissedbyarose

I really think this all stems from my childhood.

My mum abandoned me and my brother when I was 9.

She made contact a few years ago and we still speak.

She’s a terrible mother and she’s made me feel bad about myself, I’m absolutely petrified that my son will feel as unloved and abandoned as I do.

Op please ask gp to refer you for counselling. Support. Help. You can get help and get past this You will be great parent

Embracelife · 05/12/2020 23:59

Get support from a faMily therapist . You can work through all this. Tell gp what happened with ypur mum and that you wznt snd need psychologicsl help. Good luck

DontCryForMeNextdoorNeighbour · 06/12/2020 00:10

In the gentlest way OP - you need to end this. Get counselling for your issues around your mother. Personally i wouldnt have contact with her. Get an Angel breathing monitor if that will help, it was our best purchase as new parents. But please stop this need to be with your sleeping child at all times. I worry that you will end up a single parent. You need to nurture your relationship as well.

Clackyheels · 06/12/2020 07:08

I could have written this about my first dad. I went to bed at 6 every night for about 18 months. She also collect. I wouldn't let her cry, always held her etc. I look back now and have no regrets, and we have the most amazing bond but I realised after having 2nd dd and that wasn't possible, that they are fine if they whinge for 5 minutes, or you have to go out for the day.

It will get better, it's about eliviating the guilt whatever you choose. You're their mum, do what you think without guilt. They'll be fine. Sounds like you're doing a grand job

SharedLife · 06/12/2020 07:25

@Macaroni46 did anxiety not exist 20 years ago? What a ridiculous comment.

ContessaDiPulpo · 06/12/2020 07:46

as he grows up, your ds doesn't just need to feel his needs are being met: he also needs to understand that other people have needs that need meeting too. Otherwise he will not be a happy person. And the place he learns that is his own family. It is part of your job to show him that mummy and daddy are people too, and that a family is a place where all our needs matter.

Very much this. I also agree with whoever said that guilt is a normal part of being a mother - that's true, but not I think to the level you're experiencing it OP.

Please do try sitting downstairs for a bit. Set a timer and make yourself sit with your DH - I used to watch the microwave clock as time seems to speed up/slow down where babies are involved! Start with 5 min for 3 days, then 10 min for 3 days, then 15 min for 3 days - keep adding 5 minute increments, slowly and steadily. He will be OK, and you'll adapt.

When you feel horribly anxious, I've found it useful to try and focus on that feeling - my therapist said to just be with my feelings and let them happen. It was daunting initially but then a bit like the act of feeling anxious (rather than pushing it down) actually allowed it to dissipate somewhat. Maybe try it and see if it helps. I always think of myself as bobbing in a boat at the surface of a lake when doing it

TrufflyPig · 06/12/2020 07:54

Needing a break makes you human. You cannot run on empty.

Typing this whilst I've dumped my kids in front of 'Hey Duggee' so I can enjoy my coffee 😂. Its not amazing parenting but it sets me up for the day and keeps me sane.

FenellaMaxwell · 06/12/2020 08:01

I’m going to be absolutely blunt with you, because I have anxiety myself and I know exactly where you are now. You need to seek treatment for your anxiety. Right now, the only people affected by it are you and your husband, but this level of anxiety is also going to start to impact on your child if you don’t get it treated. If you never allow your child time alone ever, all you will teach them is separation anxiety in the long run. The opportunity to self-settle alone is an important learning skill and part of a baby’s development. What do you think is going to happen if you are in the next room with a video monitor that’s different to you sitting in the same room?

Don’t ignore this, because this level of anxiety doesn’t just go away by itself. Don’t be like me. Don’t wait and wait whilst you get worse. Speak to your GP. Ask about sertraline, and CBT.

Littlepaws18 · 06/12/2020 08:53

You have created a mental routine which in the long term is going to be detrimental to your child because they will grow up with attachment issues to you and mentally exhausting to you and not great for your husbands relationship with his child and you.

You must break this cycle now, the sooner you do the more harmonious your life is going to be.

Liverbird77 · 06/12/2020 11:30

As long he is asleep/put down in a safe space (alone, on back in an empty crib), he will be safe.
Room sharing is normal, and advised for six months to a year, but at nine months he should be able to go down alone for the first part of the night.
Bite the bullet. Perhaps start gradually. Spend one hour with your husband before going up and build from there.

AlexaPlayWhiteNoise · 06/12/2020 11:53

@Clackyheels

It will get better, it's about eliviating the guilt whatever you choose. You're their mum, do what you think without guilt. They'll be fine. Sounds like you're doing a grand job

This. I could have written your post when my DS1 was a baby. I went to bed with him till he was nearly 2. It was not a normal level of anxiety and it's only now that I can appreciate that.

But I would encourage you to speak to your GP or HV. It might be helpful to see if you can access some help for you anxiety.

Original poster

Kissedbyarose · 06/12/2020 13:04

@Liverbird77

As long he is asleep/put down in a safe space (alone, on back in an empty crib)

This is what really panics me. I put him on his back and he always rolls onto his front to sleep. 😖

OP posts:

Liverbird77 · 06/12/2020 13:09

@Kissedbyarose that is totally and utterly fine.
As long as you put him down on his back it's safe. If he rolls over himself it's ok because he has the capacity to roll back. Don't take my word for it...look into it
I hope this reassures you a bit

Connieston · 06/12/2020 13:09

A bit of a random thought but if you are breastfeeding you can get a strong dysphoria on let down which triggers intense negative panicky feelings, it's not particularly common but called DMER you can google it. Something in the way you describe your feelings rang a bell, as I had it.

But yep, it's fine to what and get a break and yes have a glass of wine or even a lie in... you're exhausted by the sound of it.

LannieDuck · 06/12/2020 13:11

We had a video baby monitor - could you get one of those?

Then you can actually watch LO while you're downstairs with a glass of wine. You'll be able to see if he rolls over onto his tummy or not. And every time you worry, you can glance at the monitor and see that he's fine.

bobblesandbows · 06/12/2020 13:39

You need a break. You really do. Mum and baby are a unit - you are looking after his needs and your needs have to be taken care of as well or you will go bonkers! Self care is a thing - you will find that if you give yourself that time, you will be much better equipped emotionally to give your time to your little one. A happy relaxed mummy makes a happy relaxed family. And it's taken me a long time to realise this (I have 3 DDs and the youngest is 4!)

Work it out so that you can have a break. You can decide how long it lasts but make sure it is a regular thing so that you know you will have one and it will not me a one off thing.

doadeer · 06/12/2020 15:11

I do understand to some extent, we don't have any family near by and for various reasons (too much to go into) we've only been out for dinner once and my son is nearly 2. So it's always me and DH with my son.

But I wouldn't feel guilty having a wine and a takeaway. Absolutely not I would feel I earned it being a mum all day!! Relationship is really important. Go for it. The first night you can always go check him every 20 mins if you're that worried.

lemonsquashie · 06/12/2020 17:30

I think you need to allow your partner to put the baby to bed. Let him have a hard time if baby plays up. Both need to get used to it

Take it on turns to sit upstairs if that's what you think is best. Or sit together in bed having a wine and watching

Cat can go outside until bed time

Kintsugi16 · 09/12/2020 07:23

How are you Kissedbyarose?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5