To think considering a break makes you a bad mum

[Kissedbyarose]

I had my first baby a few weeks before lockdown 1.

We’ve never had any support with our baby from family and we’ve never left him with anyone.

I’ve only left the house a few times without my son and that was to go to the Drs and to get my hair cut.

I suffer with anxiety and so far I’ve not put DS to bed without me, so every night I come to bed at the same time as him.
He goes into his cot and I sit and watch a film in bed on my ipad.

I have a video monitor but I’m so worried something could happen to DS that I’d rather stay in the room.

The thing is I’m really missing spending time with my husband. I just keep thinking how lovely it would be so go down and enjoy a glass of wine with him one evening, go and have a bath and read a book, watch a film with DH.

I then start to feel so so guilty and con convince myself I’m a bad mum and don’t deserve my son if I feel like I want to have a break and time to myself.

I don’t know of how I’m feeling is normal.
Is it normal to feel like I want some adult time? Is it normal to feel like I want to enjoy a glass of wine and some alone time with my husband? Is it normal to feel guilty about wanting it?

Do these things make me a bad mum?

I could literally cry with how bad this is making me feel.

@Kissedbyarose

I really think this all stems from my childhood.

My mum abandoned me and my brother when I was 9.

She made contact a few years ago and we still speak.

She’s a terrible mother and she’s made me feel bad about myself, I’m absolutely petrified that my son will feel as unloved and abandoned as I do.

I strongly advise you to talk to your GP about options for counselling. They can tell you about free and low cost options on the NHS but also provided by local charities etc. You can often self-refer for CBT (google IAPT in your area) which will help you with the anxious, guilty thoughts. But it sounds as if you also need a longer term talking therapy to help you heal from the wounds left by your mother and help you be kind to yourself in your own mothering journey.

There are some books that might help you, and you might find the Stately Homes thread helpful too.

Also, I can't recommend some therapy enough. It wasn't until I talked to someone about how messed up my childhood was that I could see what a good job I was doing to not be that sort of mother.

@Kissedbyarose

I really think this all stems from my childhood.

My mum abandoned me and my brother when I was 9.

She made contact a few years ago and we still speak.

She’s a terrible mother and she’s made me feel bad about myself, I’m absolutely petrified that my son will feel as unloved and abandoned as I do.

Oh OP I'm so sorry to hear that, and it absolutely makes sense that this experience has made you anxious now you are a mother. However, I don't even know you and I am sure that your own DS will not feel like that. Your love and devotion to him shine out from every word you write.

Please do consider asking your GP or another organisation for some help. You can prioritise your baby's needs and care for your own as well- it's not a case of one or the other.

Thing is you are not only a Mum, you are also a wife and it is important to spend time on that relationship too. Spend 30 minutes with your husband, have a glass of wine, talk to each other.

You need help with your anxiety if you cannot make this small step.

@Kissedbyarose I’m very sorry that your mother did that, I can’t imagine how painful that must be.

Do you mean that she continues to make you feel bad about yourself even now you’re back in touch? If so why are you maintaining contact? You don’t have to answer that, but it sounds like a complicated and painful situation - have you had any counselling or therapy to try to come to terms with that? I experienced some trauma in childhood and my own mother actually died in childbirth - I thought I’d completely dealt with that (and the other stuff) but having dd has brought up a whole lot of difficult emotions around it that I’d never have expected. Having children can definitely be a trigger to past trauma. I’ve sought help from the perinatal mental health team and I wonder if this would be useful for you also.

@Teacupsandtoast

Well unless you have plans to fuck off and leave, this is highly unlikely, don't you think? You obviously adore the very bones of the child, so don't kill yourself by being a martyr. Are you downstairs with the monitor now?

@Teacupsandtoast

No, I’m upstairs. Baby is asleep.

[quote AliasGrape]@Kissedbyarose I’m very sorry that your mother did that, I can’t imagine how painful that must be.

Do you mean that she continues to make you feel bad about yourself even now you’re back in touch? If so why are you maintaining contact? You don’t have to answer that, but it sounds like a complicated and painful situation - have you had any counselling or therapy to try to come to terms with that? I experienced some trauma in childhood and my own mother actually died in childbirth - I thought I’d completely dealt with that (and the other stuff) but having dd has brought up a whole lot of difficult emotions around it that I’d never have expected. Having children can definitely be a trigger to past trauma. I’ve sought help from the perinatal mental health team and I wonder if this would be useful for you also.[/quote]
@AliasGrape

I think being abandoned has just made me feel terrible about myself. I’ve never really liked myself much and I think that’s because of how my mum made me feel.

I genuinely don’t know why I maintain contact. Maybe out of guilt.
She’s quite lonely now. Doesn’t have many people in her life.

I just feel like we can’t (or shouldn’t) do that now we have DS to prioritise.

Your husband sounds very understanding to be honest. Many men would have put their foot down long ago!
You can prioritize your son whilst still enjoying your own life. As long as he is fed, clean and warm, and has your undivided attention for a couple of 30 minute periods a day, you can please yourself to a large extent the rest of the time (or do necessary household chores etc).
I think you need to think about what normal parenting is, and think about how that differs from what your own mum was like. Can your husband discuss his childhood or maybe you have friends you can discuss it with? Or ask your friends or family with well looked after, happy children what they do in the evening? Then you can hopefully find a middle way

Breaks are so important OP.

That’s not even really a proper break sitting downstairs.

Do you think you may have postnatal depression?

No, I’m upstairs. Baby is asleep.

Why don't you go down for 20 minutes then come back up? Then if baby is fine, go down again for a bit longer if you feel like it

@Ilovesausages

Do you think you may have postnatal depression?

I don’t think I do. I think it’s just a worry of failing as a mum.

My mum well and truly failed me and I am so paranoid about not being there for DS.

I also really worried about something awful happening to him.😖
I think sitting upstairs with him just eases that anxiety.

@SnackSizeRaisin

No, I’m upstairs. Baby is asleep.

Why don't you go down for 20 minutes then come back up? Then if baby is fine, go down again for a bit longer if you feel like it

@SnackSizeRaisin

I’m just not sure how much I could relax. But I guess 20 minutes to start with is manageable.

OP, I felt exactly like you did at first. I have a terrible mother too, and I was terrified of turning into her, so I felt I had to be a perfect mother at all times by never being apart from my baby. It gradually got better for me when I went back to work, and I was able to spend more time remembering who I was alongside being "mum".

It helps that DS goes to bed at 7 fairly reliably now too, so there is a clear block of time before bed. DP and I still don't go on dates as we don't have any childcare (and, you know, lockdown), but we spend the evening together.

I am a much better mum for the time spent away from DS, as PP says, I have time to fill my cup. I'm more patient, less tired, and more imaginative.

Try not to be too hard on yourself

Please get some support. I geniunely opened this thinking you meant a break as in a night or a weekend away!

Mine are (quite a bit) older but I have always been very attachment children focused and there is absolutely nothing wrong with leaving them to have some me time.

Start by maybe giving your DS some Dad time and you some me time and take it slowly from there

Go downstairs.

Try to think about this rationally. You don't watch him 24/7 - at night time, you sleep. He's absolutely fine while you're asleep, and presumably you don't feel guilty about it because you know you need to sleep.

What makes the evening so different? What could possibly happen to him that you wouldn't be aware of through the monitor, that you would be aware of when you're asleep yourself? And why is it ok to satisfy your need to sleep, but not your need to spend time with your husband?

[quote Kissedbyarose]@Ilovesausages

Do you think you may have postnatal depression?

I don’t think I do. I think it’s just a worry of failing as a mum.

My mum well and truly failed me and I am so paranoid about not being there for DS.

I also really worried about something awful happening to him.😖
I think sitting upstairs with him just eases that anxiety.[/quote]
This is so familiar OP, I remember being terribly worried all the time that something dreadful would happen to him. It's all so distressing and I'm really sorry you're going through it. Honestly, therapy from a psychologist specialising in post-natal mental health made the world of difference.

I think PP's idea of just a short time away from him of 20 minutes is an excellent idea. Hopefully you'll feel more confident gradually when you see the evidence for yourself that a little time apart really does him no harm.

You poor thing, consuming yourself with guilt. There is clearly an underlying reason for this, but you are evidently a good mother. Would you be able to start with small steps and go downstairs not for yourself but to just talk to your partner about DS? About his day, about how bedtime went, about how he is the best thing in the world? He will still be the focus, so maybe that will help keep the little guilt voice quiet?

You could try 10 minutes if 20 minutes feels too long to start with. Go downstairs for 10 minutes, then check on him if it will reassure you, and if that's all you can do tonight, that's absolutely fine, but if you feel up to it, you could go back down and try longer than 10 minutes next time. And so on.

Dont aim to relax the first time OP Just do it like controlled crying but for you. so step out for 10 mins go back and check on him then step out for 15 mins and go back and check...

I get it I do with regards to your mother my parents divorced when I was 5 so I understand to a large extend. However, what I took from the way myparents dealt with it was to ensure I did better. That means to also have a healthy happy parent so we need to take time for us.

I would also suggest doctor as it sounds like you could do with some support.

This is so completely understandable! I felt like this a lot with my first and she wasn't born into a pandemic! I do think eventually, when you feel comfortable, start doing little things for yourself. Maybe start with popping your baby to bed and then go up and sit for 5 minutes with your husband. Even set a timer if you want, but just try for 5. Then for 7 minutes the next night. Do you have a room next to the room they sleep in where you could sit and watch something on the iPad with DH and have your glass of wine in there? You don't have to start leaving the room for hours on end, but it does sound like it's time to start taking little steps in that direction.

Your little one won't know you aren't there next to them, and this is a sure fire way for you to burn out. You are a Mum, but you're still YOU! All those wonderful things which made you who you are need to be nurtured so that when little one is out of that baby, and then toddler, stage, you have interests to share with them and engage them in.

My youngest is 21 months (I'm a SAHM) and I took my older child out today for 7 hours to do some nice things together, and left the toddler with his Dad at home. I was so desperate to get home to him in the afternoon! It gets much easier the more you do it. I don't think I left DD with my husband until she was 5 months old, and that was to go and start therapy because of my anxiety about leaving her 😂 and now look! I take my daughter to nursery and don't see her for 6 hours every day. You can do this! And if you feel like you need help taking those steps, reach out for help.

Isnit normal to want to spend time with your dh? If course it is.
It is normal to be so overprotective with baby? No...
Yoi should talk to someone about that. To help you. And help your mh xx

@PowerslidePanda

And why is it ok to satisfy your need to sleep, but not your need to spend time with your husband?

I guess I just feel like having time with my husband is a “luxury” and that what makes me feel guilty.
Sitting and having time with DH not being with DS

I should also add, I had a mother who, for her own reasons, let my siblings and I become her absolute everything and NEVER took time for herself. It was really hard on my siblings and I as we moved into our late teens because we knew how dependent she was on us for her happiness and it was suffocating. I love my children with everything I have and I love being at home with them, but I know how important it is from them to see me having my own friends, and that I have a relationship with their father that doesn't revolve around them.

Have a think about you think your role as a parent is. I think my job as parent is to keep my children safe, healthy and to help them to become functioning and hopefully happy adults. You are their first role model. How you behave teaches them how they should behave as adults therefore as parents we need to model what we want our children lives to be like as an adult. Want them to fit and health then we need to be fit and healthy.

The first few years of parenting is intense. My DH and I parent in a way which is not always so mainstream. We coslept with my first until she 2 and at 16 months I cosleep and bf throughout the night as needed. Until she was nearly 8 months DD2 had virtually every sleep either in ours arms or the sling. This was not ideally, especially as I was home schooling DD1 but I firmly believe you need to parent the child you have got. I get what it is like to put your baby first.

What worries me about your posts is the level of anxiety you are experiencing. If my adult child was feeling that anxious I would be encouraging them to change something, that could sharing the load with their partner or seeking medical help. To be a good parent you also need to be your own parent by recognising you need to look after yourself too.

What do you think people used to do in the days before monitors ? They are there to free you up ? My Nan put her children in a drawer as she did not even have a cot .

Try and relax , you need a break and you will be in a better place for your child if you are relaxed and refreshed .

Also as my mum said when she looked after my father ( who was a great dad btw) when you two grow up and leave home I will be left with your dad and he with me , so we look after each other . They will have been married 65 years in January .