Page 4 | To think considering a break makes you a bad mum

PowerslidePanda · 05/12/2020 21:58

I guess I just feel like having time with my husband is a “luxury” and that what makes me feel guilty.
Sitting and having time with DH not being with DS

If he was awake, then yes. But he's asleep - he's completely unaware of whether you're in the room or downstairs.

Just4him · 05/12/2020 22:00

I felt exactly like that. I held myself up to an impossibly high expectation. I had a shit mum and childhood so ideas of being a good mums came from cheesy films,m and impressions i made of mums i thought had it all together. Skinny, looked good, kids immaculate, house very clean and all freshly decorated, no money worries, child hitting all milestones and is very confident, brashy even. Mum stunning, child cute, great job who are bending backwards to accomodate her new needs after mat leave. She just seemed perfect. Of course i know it's not true but I was in the grips of post natal depression, young and in a bad relationship with no family support.

I recognise your thinking pattern from PND so please get help. I waited too long. I had a break down and went on a self destructive path, suicidal and self harmed.

A break that keeps you sane and a balanced happy mum is not self indulgent, it can literally save your life.

Dee1975 · 05/12/2020 22:01

Of course you shouldn’t feel guilty. And i think you are overacting a bit to think it makes you a bad mum. Of course it doesn’t. You can’t look after your children if you don’t look after yourself.
I need a break every night! From 9pm (until I go to bed at 10) is my time.

Zeetah · 05/12/2020 22:01

Having a break, time to refresh, makes me a better mum.
My DD is slightly older, but I regularly have a half day childcare so I can do my sport. The way I see it, keeping me mentally and physically fit and well is in my DD’s best interests, as well as mine.

Original poster

Kissedbyarose · 05/12/2020 22:02

@Just4him

I felt exactly like that. I held myself up to an impossibly high expectation. I had a shit mum and childhood so ideas of being a good mums came from cheesy films,m and impressions i made of mums i thought had it all together. Skinny, looked good, kids immaculate, house very clean and all freshly decorated, no money worries, child hitting all milestones and is very confident, brashy even. Mum stunning, child cute, great job who are bending backwards to accomodate her new needs after mat leave. She just seemed perfect. Of course i know it's not true but I was in the grips of post natal depression, young and in a bad relationship with no family support.

I recognise your thinking pattern from PND so please get help. I waited too long. I had a break down and went on a self destructive path, suicidal and self harmed.

A break that keeps you sane and a balanced happy mum is not self indulgent, it can literally save your life.

@Just4him

I could’ve written this about my expectations.

I’ve looked at PND and I don’t think it’s what I have. I think it’s more guilt and anxiety.

OP posts:

soughsigh · 05/12/2020 22:03

I quite happily hand my DS over to his grandparents for the weekend. I'm working on setting this up once a month. They love it, DS loves it (although it tires him out), I love it, DH loves it. This makes me a better mum for having time to myself.

Your relationship with your husband is clearly important to you. You can't do anything for your DS while he sleeps, but you can enjoy a movie and a cuddle with your husband. Having parents with a strong relationship is good for DC. You don't need to justify spending time to yourself in the slightest, but maybe this will help you to not feel guilty? Everyone should have luxuries in their lives wherever possible.

RJnomore1 · 05/12/2020 22:05

Ok your child deserves the chance to have some time on their own, so it’s not about you being a bad mum. It’s about supporting their independence and helping them become a well rounded person. Does reframing it help?

I genuinely believe that btw. I’m an introvert though .

Snaketime · 05/12/2020 22:06

OP I have been where you are and I wasn't abandoned when young. I used to hate taking time for myself and felt like a terrible mother for wanting to spend time with my DH, for wanting time to myself etc, I was convinced I didnt deserve my DD, I did have PND and even once I got that sorted I saw all these other mums who loved being around their DC all the time and never wanted to separated from them, which made me feel dreadful. I soon learned that I needed to do stuff for me in order to be a better mum. An analogy that really hit me was someone said you can't pour from an empty cup, you need to refill it.
Do as a pp said go and sit downstairs for 20 mins for 20 mins, have a cup of tea or coffee and then go back and check on you DS sit with him for 5-10mins and then go back downstairs etc until you go to bed, do that for a week and then extend the time that you sit downstairs for.
Good luck OP, you got this and you are a great mum.

corythatwas · 05/12/2020 22:08

It's very understandable that you should feel the need to compensate for the horrible experience 9yo you had, OP

But remember as he grows up, your ds doesn't just need to feel his needs are being met: he also needs to understand that other people have needs that need meeting too. Otherwise he will not be a happy person. And the place he learns that is his own family. It is part of your job to show him that mummy and daddy are people too, and that a family is a place where all our needs matter.

You can't compensate for being hungry by overfeeding your child. The only right way to compensate is to make sure he gets enough- and that everybody else does too.

You need to start practising that now. Starting small but working towards finding that balance: family where everybody matters. That really is the best thing you can do for him, it's the happiest and safest upbringing you can give him.

discodave88 · 05/12/2020 22:10

Your post resonates with me so much and I had postnatal anxiety which led to depression and insomnia. Please at least ask for some advice from a professional. That is coming from a good place I promise XX

Winterwoollies · 05/12/2020 22:11

The levels and anxiety you’re feeling are not normal. They’re not healthy. They’re making you feel like shit and may well have a negative impact on your baby as he gets bigger. BUT please don’t allow that to make you feel worse. You’re obviously a wonderful mum but you won’t be able to if you don’t take some time to care for yourself.

You may need to talk to someone, a GP or HV if you can get hold of one, to get some perinatal support with your anxieties.

You mustn’t feel guilty for not breathing over your son every minute. I think it might be important for you to break that before it becomes obsessive.

I had my baby in lockdown and I love putting him safely and snugly to bed on his own room, taking the monitor down and having an evening all to myself. He’s grown in his own independence at bedtime (he’s probably a few months younger than yours) and I am relaxed because I have time for myself. It’s wonderful and it’s sustainable.

Would you tell me that I’m a terrible mother for putting my baby safely to bed and having my dinner and watching tv/reading a book downstairs? Probably not.

Matilda1981 · 05/12/2020 22:20

Honestly, it’s normal to feel a bit guilty when you leave you’re child and have some fun but this is normally if you’re going on a girls weekend - not downstairs to sit with your husband!

I do feel you should seek some help as this level of anxiety is quite high! I can’t believe your husband hasn’t said anything to you if you’ve been doing this for 9 months!

I have 4 daughters, the youngest is 8 months old and I love my time with the rest of the family when she’s goes to bed (as she’s normally in bed by 6!). What would you have done in normal times when friends are going out - would you have not gone? 9 months is an incredibly long time really to not have any ‘me’ time!!

museumum · 05/12/2020 22:21

This is a great quote by @corythatwas “ You can't compensate for being hungry by overfeeding your child.”

Your current thought patterns risk not only you burning out but your ds being smothered. The best mum you can be is relaxed and without guilt for doing perfectly normal things like enjoying an evening with your dh while your ds sleeps.

Just4him · 05/12/2020 22:23

So i told you my problem but didn't say what actually helped.
The not so great part is once my hormones settled, i was not breastfeeding, child was in preschool and i got a few hours regularly to myself , things got better but this happened years later. Time heals but i wish i didnt wait so long.

In therapy i learnt that i need to parent my child as they are, not what i wish i had. They are not me as a child. I am not my mother. I am not destined to be like her. Projecting my fears on my child placed a burden on them and made me not give them what they need but rather what i needed.

This is fine to do in terms of inner child therapy but not for my child who is an individual in their own right and not an extension of me.

When i saw my childs personality emerge i could see them as a person separate from me and so their feelings are not necessarily my feelings. I had been overcompensating, making sure my child doesnt go without like i did but really they were never going without, they were fine and its me and my inner child that needed what i was misplacing in bucketloads on my child.

I hope this makes sense... been a long day!

I also didnt think i had pnd and just needed to get on with it.

Echobelly · 05/12/2020 22:23

No, no, no not at all.

Too many parents (OK, mothers) are less good parents than they could be because they guilt trip themselves into believing they shouldn't be without their child for a single second.

A mum who gets no time to herself and feels utterly subsumed by motherhood is not as good a mum as she could be; a mum who has no time with her partner because she feels too guilt to do it is not as good a mum as she could be.

You do need to look after yourself and your relationship - these things will help your child thrive.

Pacif1cDogwood · 05/12/2020 22:35

No, spending time with your husband, or. shock horror, just spending time on your own, being you, is NOT selfish, it does NOT make you a bad mother - it is vital and absolutely necessary house keeping.

Your upbringing will likely have a lot to do with how you are feeling. Please seek help. It is really common for anxiety to get birth with becoming a parents, particularly a mother.

Being kind to yourself, looking after yourself, is prerequisite to being a good mother. It is impossible to be only available to your child at all times and always and forever, and stay sane.

Some counselling will help you unravel your feelings about your own upbringing and your mother from what kind of childhood you want your DS to experience. Being a confident and relaxed mum will add to your child's happy childhood.

There is absolutely no need to sit with a sleeping baby all the time, not at his age and not with baby monitors etc so readily available.

jgjgjgjgjg · 05/12/2020 22:49

Please could everyone stop trying to diagnose the OP as suffering from postnatal depression. The symptoms don't suggest depression to me at all.
Depression is the perinatal mental health issue we hear most about in the media but it is by far the only one.

WhySoSensitive · 05/12/2020 22:58

Your post makes me so sad, I just want to reiterate what others have said. There is no guilt or shame involved in having an hour to yourself ESPECIALLY when your son is already asleep and unawares.
Build up your time away slowly OP, the ‘more’ you do it the more you will see how good it is for everyone’s health.

Sweettea1 · 05/12/2020 23:17

If you were a bad mum you wouldn't even be giving this a 2nd thought you would be on your your second bottle of wine without a care in the world. Everybody needs wind down time and a little me time. how about going down for half hour checking on baby every 10 mins or something then tmz go down for an hour checking baby every 20 mins you need to start feeling comfortable leaving baby to sleep alone so do it in small doses then maybe next weekend you will be ready to try that glass of wine and a hour without running upstairs to check baby.

Dipi79 · 05/12/2020 23:21

OP, post partum anxiety is more common than you might think and I would really recommend you seek.some external support, such as.counselling for past trauma (such as your Mother abandoning you). Living in fear like this IS no life and can be just as suffocating for the sufferer as post partum depression. If you take no time out for yourself, then in the long run you and your family will suffer.

Quaagars · 05/12/2020 23:21

The thing is I’m really missing spending time with my husband. I just keep thinking how lovely it would be so go down and enjoy a glass of wine with him one evening, go and have a bath and read a book, watch a film with DH.

So do it. How does that make you a bad mum?

Your baby is upstairs, safe, if stirs one of you will be there if need be.
Totally get you feeling anxious though.
You need time just as much to be you as well.

BornOnThe4thJuly · 05/12/2020 23:22

I agree with others suggesting to try to build it up spending time downstairs, maybe you could take it in turns with your DH to go and check on him, every 10 mins even initially if that’s what you need to do to feel ok at first. I also very strongly agree with speaking to your GP about your anxiety. It’s such a horrible feeling to be anxious all the time. It’s no wonder at all though considering your childhood.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 05/12/2020 23:26

Do you know what, women have GOT to stop the whole guilt thing. Especially mothers - feeling bad over tiny, normal innocuous things. Ask yourselves why dads never feel guilty about being away from their children for more than 5 seconds - it's all part of our patriarchal society whereby when we become mothers we are dehumanised, existing only to serve our offspring - therefore any "me time" is seen as unacceptable. We NEED to nip the acceptance of this in the bud, so that this nonsense doesn't trickle down to our daughters.

bitofcoin · 05/12/2020 23:37

I think taking breaks helps you recharge and allows you to be a "better" mother because you will be happier and more energized when they're awake and you're caring for them. Having a baby doesn't mean other areas of your life just stop, especially your relationship with your DH. Having quality time with him will help you be an even stronger unit to care for your DS.

Take baby steps and start giving yourself and your DS some space. It will be good for him to adjust sleeping in a room by himself so he doesn't develop separation anxiety when he gets older.