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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make DD continue her hobby

147 replies

WutheredOut · 05/12/2020 14:47

DD has been attending theatre school every weekend for the past couple of years. Every week she comes out telling us what she has done and showing us the dances etc
However on the flip side, every single week without fail it is a massive issue getting her to get dressed to go and all week long she says she hates it.

There are elements of it that we know she doesn’t enjoy but on the whole the singing, dancing and acting Is right up her street.

After this mornings sour face and following battle I am tempted to let her pack it in. The problem is she has no other hobbies and any attempt to suggest other alternatives, music lessons, dance lessons etc are met with a scowl (in general she is actually lovely!)

She said she would rather stay home and do housework

YABU to make her continue - let her give up!
YANBU to make her continue she will benefit in the long run!

OP posts:

RememberSelfCompassion · 05/12/2020 23:12

Why is it youre making her continue a hobby she's not interested it?

MrsMiaWallis · 05/12/2020 23:13

I'm disagreeing with you with the benefit of hindsight and age! Mine always did lots of activities but when they got bored or wanted to try something new, we stopped and did different things. Ballet, swimming, riding, fencing, athletics, violin,.piano, football, tag rugby, cricket,.choir, theatre school,.climbing and more (four kids with different interests!)

firthy85 · 05/12/2020 23:23

have you spoke to dd's teacher?. i haven't read all comments so please forgive me. sometimes its so hard if something is happening when your not there and if she may be scared to tell you. maybe go with her next time? just as a pure observation to see what's going on

taxi4ballet · 05/12/2020 23:30

@TatianaBis - Yes I know many actors are shy in real life. But perhaps going to drama school was something they chose for themselves, rather than being pressganged into song and dance at an early age?

Speaking as the parent of a professionally trained dancer, the desire to perform has to come from within. If the enjoyment, determination and perseverance isn't there, it is never going to work.

For the overwhelming majority with dc who are doing performing arts just as a hobby (and an expensive one at that), it needs to be fun. When it stops being fun, it is time to pack it in.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/12/2020 11:28

I do think this can be a lot more nuanced than 'love or hate'. DC can like the idea of an activity and enjoy parts of it, like performances, parts of rehearsals and being able to say that they do it, while not being so keen on practising a musical instrument daily, or overcoming their 'cosy at home' inertia to get out of the house to a lesson.

Some things, like learning a musical instrument, or performing dance or sport to a good standard, can't be done in a stop / start, dipping in and out, 'just for fun' kind of way. You have to commit, then take the rough with the smooth and go through phases of loving and resenting the practice and routine. Children don't easily connect the dream with the daily reality, until they gradually connect the effort with the rewards and become more self-motivated. That can take a lot of time and support.

But, that commitment, at the highest level of really wanting to make it happen, has to come from the child.

We've tried a few things, including some that DC appeared to enjoy while there, or enjoyed for a time but then consistently said they didn't enjoy, so we stopped.

MollyButton · 06/12/2020 11:35

It really depends.

My DD was part of a choir. The two services a week weren't too bad, but she would moan every week before rehearsal. Even got as far one time as saying she would quit, which I got her to talk to the Choir Director about and they persuaded her to stay. She is now pleased she did, and has some fabulous experiences from it. But it was a slog.

mummytippy · 06/12/2020 11:52

@Wheresmykimchi

I'm confused by PP . It seems clear that she does enjoy it when she gets there.

I agree. A lot of PP are missing this point

RedskyAtnight · 06/12/2020 11:56

At 9, I think it's quite a good idea to try a few different things so you can work out where your interests lie rather than getting very focused on one thing - unless you love it. If she's been doing it for a couple of years, she's likely a very different person at 9 than she was at 7. The impression I'm getting is that she probably doesn't hate it, but it's not something she's really passionate about. So whilst she might be happy enough to continue, this could be a good opportunity to see if you can find something else she enjoys more. Do her friends do any clubs that sound interesting?

My DD was keen on drama/dance during infants and early junior school, but she went off them about age 9/10, only to rekindle her interest in drama at about 13.

MrsMiaWallis · 06/12/2020 12:20

Kids who enjoy things look forward to doing them, its as simple as that.

MummytoCSJH · 06/12/2020 12:26

I havent read the full thread, but I was a theatre kid, I LOVED it and still do. I still wanted to give up a lot, because it's extremely hard work, very competitive, requires a lot of discipline, resilience and sacrificing other things that you might want to do instead or spending time with people. Not sure what you have decided but don't be too tough on her.

Wheresmykimchi · 06/12/2020 12:34

@MrsMiaWallis

Kids who enjoy things look forward to doing them, its as simple as that.

Not always ime. Have you never thought you couldn't be bothered doing something but enjoyed it when you're actually there?it could be anything from not wanting to get up early to being a kid and wanting to stay home and okay a game!

electronVolt · 06/12/2020 12:49

I think the other thing to be aware of, we as parents often did get a lot out of hobbies. My childhood was disgustingly middle class, we were rushed from swimming to dance to clarinet lessons to horse riding.

I feel lucky I did it. And some of the hobbies I did endured as an adult, some of the skills have been dead useful. But that was in the 80s. School was a doss. No homework. No SATS. We just pissed about.

School is way harder, even primary schools routinely issue homework. So those of us trying to recreate what we had as kids have to be careful. I do wonder if the dramatics over Theater school is in part because she is burnt out by the weekend? She might not even realise it herself.

I used to see the hobby parents at our swimming class, chivvying damp kids out of their swim gear and into football kit, and with the dance gear in the bag for after that. The poor kids looked hollow eyed. Not saying that is the case for the OP, of,course, but I do think it is a consideration for many.

vanillandhoney · 06/12/2020 12:52

@MrsMiaWallis

Kids who enjoy things look forward to doing them, its as simple as that.

It's not really that simplistic, imo.

I've often dreaded something and loved it in the end - sometimes it's just a case of forcing yourself.

Goldenbear · 06/12/2020 13:24

I'm on the fence- I think I would be a bit sad about my DC's aspirations if they showed a preference for housework over something that actually enriches the soul, particularly a girl. Children often don't know what's best for them and they do need guidance and a push to open up their world a bit or life will be quite boring in the future. I gave up Piano and Cello lessons and I was at grade 6 for both at the age of 11. I actually really wish my Mum had encouraged me to stick at it. My Mum was/is very liberal minded and didn't want it to be forced. Whereas I was quite lazy and was distracted by 11 year old interests - going shopping, TV etc. Nothing that you can take with you through to adulthood. My brother was very good at sports and kept at it and even today in his 40's I see how that benefits him, he is fit and healthy and it's a good stress relief from a stressful job. Something I think music playing could have been to me. That said, my youngest DD is 9 and absolute loves playing the piano, she is always practicing and is not nagged about it. It is genuinely something she enjoys doing. She likes classical music and has asked to play an additional instrument so either the flute or violin. I suppose that is how hobbies should be, the passion needs to come from the child.

MrsMiaWallis · 06/12/2020 13:34

Children often don't know what's best for them and they do need guidance and a push to open up their world a bit or life will be quite boring in the future. I gave up Piano and Cello lessons and I was at grade 6 for both at the age of 11. I actually really wish my Mum had encouraged me to stick at it

Not your mum's fault! You didn't have the mentality/interest/determination to stick at it - not a criticism, most children don't, they do things for a couple of years then get fed up and want to do something else.

All the teens I know who still swim/do drama club/play instruments were the ones who loved it as kids. The ones who whinged every single week don't do it!

TwilightSkies · 07/12/2020 07:15

over something that actually enriches the soul,.

Doing something that you don’t enjoy just to please someone else won’t enrich the soul. It’s just an obligation. And actually, control on the parents part.

Mummadeeze · 07/12/2020 07:42

My DD has been going to theatre school for 8 years now - she is 12. She is shy, unconfident and self conscious and is having counselling at school to help with this. But her counsellor told me that she has expressed how much she loves the performing arts she does (which is a relief). She is also a different person when she performs, she can be very confident in that situation. It is weird in that it has helped her cope with any situation where she has to act, dance or sing, but it hasn’t translated to the rest of her life. For example, she got over 90% in an oral exam where she had to recite a long poem, filled with expression but she is too shy to put her hand up in her regular lessons. She still wants to go, but I know I would struggle to let her quit if she no longer wanted to. I would let her though, I think you do have to listen to your children if it is an ongoing dread of going, not just every now and again.

IHeartKingThistle · 07/12/2020 07:53

Oh my God I could have written this post this week.

We let her pack it in this week on the condition that a) she emailed the teacher herself to explain and thank her, and b) she understood that she will not be spending that time on her bed on her phone. I'll also be encouraging her to look at other extra curricular options after the bloody pandemic,

Who knows if it was the right call? But at some point they have to be able to choose.

I'm also a secondary teacher and my wider concern is the tendency now for teenagers to be anxious and uncomfortable and, when they are, to not do things. Sometimes we have to do things that make us anxious and uncomfortable, or we'd never get past stage fright or pass a driving test or go for a job interview. I have had this chat with DD too but for now I felt it was more important that she felt like she had some control in her life.

IHeartKingThistle · 07/12/2020 08:00

DD is 13 btw, so it's slightly different!

Goldenbear · 08/12/2020 01:48

MrsMiaWallis, that is my point though - I wasn't the child who moaned about either instrument, I was passionate about playing, I performed to my family as I loved it so much. The reality is I got distracted by pre-teen stuff and parents were going through a messy divorce at the time. I also had to move from a private school to state secondary and I was the only person who played a string instrument in the whole school! Other children would call me a snob due to paying the Cello and my background so in the end I quit as I was fed up with the attention from the bullies. I wish I hadn't though as I was a natural at playing the piano in particular and it probably would have helped men through that crappy time. I wasn't trying to blame my Mum as she had the best intentions.

BefuddledPerson · 08/12/2020 03:37

I'm also a secondary teacher and my wider concern is the tendency now for teenagers to be anxious and uncomfortable and, when they are, to not do things. I share this concern. I don't like to push my children for the sake of it, but when life at home was more dull, many of us were naturally pushed to try things.

Now the amount of entertainment at home means they are never fully bored - but not maybe fully satisfied either? Modern life is rubbish

TatianaBis · 08/12/2020 09:33

Well no, that poster didn’t had the life experience and the confidence to continue. Not the same thing at all.

Research has shown that the difference between kids who continue with music and the ones who don’t is basically that the parents of the former don’t let them give up.

Some kids are super-motivated or super talented or both and they keep themselves going. But some need more encouragement and support to stick at it.

But music is different to the case of the OP, when it’s not going make a material difference whether DD continues or not for the moment. She may prefer to take a break and go back to it later.

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