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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DD continue her hobby

147 replies

WutheredOut · 05/12/2020 14:47

DD has been attending theatre school every weekend for the past couple of years. Every week she comes out telling us what she has done and showing us the dances etc
However on the flip side, every single week without fail it is a massive issue getting her to get dressed to go and all week long she says she hates it.

There are elements of it that we know she doesn’t enjoy but on the whole the singing, dancing and acting Is right up her street.

After this mornings sour face and following battle I am tempted to let her pack it in. The problem is she has no other hobbies and any attempt to suggest other alternatives, music lessons, dance lessons etc are met with a scowl (in general she is actually lovely!)

She said she would rather stay home and do housework

YABU to make her continue - let her give up!
YANBU to make her continue she will benefit in the long run!

OP posts:
SquirrelFan · 05/12/2020 16:56

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taxi4ballet · 05/12/2020 16:57

My answer will be different depending on her age to be honest.

If she's 7 - forget it, it's not worth the hassle.

If she's coming up to GCSE's and has no interest whatever in any kind of performing arts career - forget it.

Somewhere in the middle, I'd be asking her to try and explain what it is that she doesn't like, and then address that. She may not want to tell you that she is becoming increasingly self-conscious. Perhaps it has dawned on her that she isn't as good as some of the others and is embarrassed about it. She may not want to disappoint you or let you down. Be kind and if she really wants to stop, then let her decide.

In any case, try and get her to finish the classes already paid for.

mummytippy · 05/12/2020 16:58

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

But it can be felt as being 'uncool' by friends and peers so it's sad to give it up if this is the case.

As OPs DD comes out saying she's enjoyed it, it sounds like this is what could be happening.

All kids seem to be bothered about these days is Insta and SnapChat and not sticking with something.

warmandtoasty2day · 05/12/2020 16:58

Another one who wouldlike to know how old dd is. i would have massively resented my dm had she pushed me in to doing hobbies outside the home if i didn't want to when i was a child and into my teens.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 05/12/2020 17:01

YABU. I don't get this obsession with having to have "hobbies" on MN. I had none as a child and I'm fine for it.

astuz · 05/12/2020 17:01

Let her pack it in.

I was forced to do two 'hobbies' well into my teenage years, even though I'd completely gone off both of them by the age of 10. It was truly depressing. My parents' hearts were in the right place, in the sense that they thought it would be good for helping me socialise because I was very, very shy. It was pointless though because I hated the hobbies, so I was miserable the whole time I was there and didn't want to talk to anyone even more! It would have been far better if they'd let me pack them in, let me get bored and then explore what I was interested in, rather than choosing hobbies for me, mainly based on what my older sister did.

Both my DDs do hobbies (both play a musical instrument and do a sport) - both the sport and the instrument totally different, but it's always come from them, and there's been lots of things they've tried and packed in over the years. I'd be more than happy if they didn't want to do anything out of school.

HeadNorth · 05/12/2020 17:02

@SquirrelFan

Do you know what's good for children? Having periods of unstructured free time. They learn to find activities and do different stuff on their own. She'd rather do housework? Let her quit.

Unfortunately, long periods of unstructured free time have resulted, in our house, in a child who does not know how to do anything but scroll on her phone or play on the computer. Or beg for more time on either. Time outside the home, engaging in an activity led by someone who is not her parent, was the only positive thing she was doing. Now she is 16, has no hobbies, a terribly short attention span, and a crap work ethic. I wish to god I'd gotten her in brownies or made her try /stay in more activities. Right now she's not a person that I can imagine growing into a human anyone else would befriend or hire.

@SquirrelFan you sound so down on your daughter Sad 16 is a difficult age, don't write her off yet! Our children need us to love them unconditionally and to believe in them, even when they don't believe in themselves. My youngest girl was difficult and I could almost have written your post. She is now training to be a mental health nurse and is totally fabulous. Young people grow up and find themselves - give them space and support to do it. I honestly don't think hobbies are what make the difference - I think it is mostly maturity and time and there are no short cuts for either.
mummytippy · 05/12/2020 17:03

Sorry to hear this @SquirrelFan

This my fear with my DS. He quit everything else but I was pretty adamant the piano remained.
I too like the OP had invested so much time and money into the lessons.

He's 14 and so it was deemed 'uncool'. I've encouraged him to ride it out. I'm sure (or I hope) he'll thank me one day!

Bella43 · 05/12/2020 17:06

I would let her drop out. My daughter had a hobby she attended for years but grew out of it, left and has never mentioned it again. That was 3 years ago. Interests change as they get older.

oblada · 05/12/2020 17:08

It depends on her age and her reason for not 'liking' at the moment. I do insist that my kids stick to a particular hobby for a little while before deciding it is not working out. And occasionally there will be times where they find it harder and I will ask that they persist at least for a while. So far it has paid off. My girls wanted to stop Indian dance classes but I could tell they did like a lot of elements of it but they were worried on the day as they didn't think they practised as much as was expected etc and didn't have as much fun as at the start. So we had a chat with the teacher and she made some changes to the class and my girls made an effort to practise more at home and now they love it again. But if they'd decided it wasn't working out then they would have stopped. They are 6 and 9yrs old.

SquirrelFan · 05/12/2020 17:08

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TatianaBis · 05/12/2020 17:11

There are certain things my kids are not allowed to give up - musical instruments for eg because they go through phases of liking and not liking.

With something like theatre school - it’s good for confidence, presentation skills but there’s no avenues that should shut if they stopped.

If DD likes dancing, acting etc, I’d continue with dance or speech and drama lessons privately if you can afford to.

Maireas · 05/12/2020 17:15

@SquirrelFan - she'll be fine. It's entirely normal developmentally to do this. The only cause for alarm is if it is accompanied by signs of other problems. My point is a serious one, backed up by significant research. It's nice for children to have structured activities and hobbies, but it's not a catastrophe if they don't. My son gave eveything up and wouldn't talk to me. I was devastated and questioned everything. Then he just came ok and told me he needed "space". He's an adult now and fine. Your daughter will be fine.

Maireas · 05/12/2020 17:17

ps he was hours on the wretched x box. Now it's in the loft.

AcornAutumn · 05/12/2020 17:23

@Floralnomad

I never understand why parents make their children continue with ‘hobbies’ that they dislike . Ask her what she would like to do instead. How old is she ?
This

And if she wants no activity, that’s fine too.

tsmainsqueeze · 05/12/2020 17:26

@eddiemairswife

Why do so many people think their children must do outside activities? They are at school all week; doubtless have homework to do. Surely they need time to themselves to do what they want to do.
THIS ! i completely agree , my daughter did ballet /tap etc from age 4 for over 5 years every saturday , it became an expensive chore for her / us . I was quite relieved when she finally decided that was it . Its good to have free saturdays when we have no time pressure , she goes to guides on fridays , the rest of her time is filled with doing her own things mainly art . I can't see the point in everyone being miserable by forcing a kid into something they really don't want to do anymore . We as adults get freedom of choice so should they .
SquirrelFan · 05/12/2020 17:27

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Maireas · 05/12/2020 17:41

@SquirrelFan - the tech issue is always concerning, I know what you mean. Are there problems at school? I would contact the pastoral head and have a conversation about your concerns.

MyMajesty · 05/12/2020 17:43

She's given it a good go, over a couple of years.
Don't try to make her keep going to it.

Have a chat with her about why exactly she dislikes this class whether there's something else she'd like to take up.

SquirrelFan · 05/12/2020 17:46

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UniversalAunt · 05/12/2020 17:49

‘ She said she would rather stay home and do housework’

Oh for a moment I read that as she rather do homework... wishful thinking!

Maireas · 05/12/2020 17:54

@SquirrelFan - good luck. Between you, the school and CAMHS she'll be fine. She'll come back to you.

Ihatefish · 05/12/2020 17:55

This is your hobby not hers.

ancientgran · 05/12/2020 17:56

She said she would rather stay home and do housework This says alot to me, my DD would moan about doing her music practice. Responses were things like, "in a minute" or "let me just finish this." If I said, "I think you need to clean you bedroom" or "can you sort out your washing" she would suddenly desperately need to do her music practice.

It doesn't really sound worth the hassle.

Thelnebriati · 05/12/2020 17:59

What does she dislike? Is there a different group where she can enjoy singing and/or dancing in a different environment?