To make DD continue her hobby

[WutheredOut]

DD has been attending theatre school every weekend for the past couple of years. Every week she comes out telling us what she has done and showing us the dances etc
However on the flip side, every single week without fail it is a massive issue getting her to get dressed to go and all week long she says she hates it.

There are elements of it that we know she doesn’t enjoy but on the whole the singing, dancing and acting Is right up her street.

After this mornings sour face and following battle I am tempted to let her pack it in. The problem is she has no other hobbies and any attempt to suggest other alternatives, music lessons, dance lessons etc are met with a scowl (in general she is actually lovely!)

She said she would rather stay home and do housework

YABU to make her continue - let her give up!
YANBU to make her continue she will benefit in the long run!

@borntohula

Obviously not her hobby, is it? Lol.

Yes this! A hobby is something s person does because they want to. This an enforced activity.

Let her give this up, if you want to you can tell her she needs to pick something to replace it.

Well, OP, I presume you're conscious of the "Every week she comes out telling us what she has done and showing us the dances etc". What age is she, approximately and how does she spend her time, OP, when she's at home?

Is it really her hobby or is it fb boasting potential for you? Think about it, a hobby is supposed to be something she loves doing, once forced it becomes the opposite of that.

She probably comes out on a high because it’s done for the week, I used to be the same on a Friday night in a job I hated. There’s a difference between the odd time not wanting to go, this sounds like a sustained dislike of it. Definitely stop making her go.

I’d not send her for a couple of weeks and see if she regrets not going - if she’s much happier the don’t send her!

But do find something she actively enjoys. DS has a couple of “outside home” hobbies - we did one today for the first time since this lockdown and he held a wee for the entire time because he didn’t want to miss a second. Bad for his bladder, but indicative of his passion.

In your shoes I’d resent paying for something that doesn’t bring her happiness and, in turn, means you have to spend time and energy cajoling her into.

Let's face it, OP, no one has ever said they wished their parent had encouraged them more/made them carry on with piano lessons (no, I'm not saying everyone who quit has, just some). It can be hard as a parent judging when to push and encourage and when to concede.

I think hobbies can be great for kids to do things they enjoy, let off steam and yes it also helps them understand commitments etc.

But if they really don’t enjoy them, I don’t think they should be forced. Yes its important to understand that sometimes in life you have to do things you don’t enjoy, but I don’t think a hobby should be how you teach that lesson - you don’t want her growing up associating leisure time with things she dreads, or doing hobbies to suit other people.

I think let her quit. She might find something else she likes, but that needs to happen organically rather than just be given a list of other options and putting pressure on her to do one.

A hobby is for enjoyment. So, if she doesn't want to go, it isn't her hobby.

How old is she?

One strategy you could try (only if she is young and prone to petulance) is next week, when the time comes, say OK we aren't going to theatre school because you've said you want to quit, so we'll never go there again. And then see how she reacts - if she is pleased, then all fine, just let her quit. If she is tearful or it is obvious from her reaction that she will miss it, then you can just say OK we'll go then. And then speak to her about behaving properly when it is time to go somewhere.

If she's older (teen) and knows her own mind, then just let her give up.

My DD did Stagecoach for 7 years, (aged 4-11). She loved it for the first six years, then became less keen as she got older and it became clearer that it wasn't something she would be doing for a career. We eventually decided that she would stop at the end of term, as it was paid for, and I stipulated that she couldn't just stop going in the middle of a term. She was happy to agree to this, and looks back on her time there very fondly. So, I'd let her give it up, but maybe agree that she will carry on until the end of term? (PS. Ignore me if it's the sort of theatre school that doesn't have terms! In that case, I'd pick a date to let her finish).

My rule was that if they don’t want to go two weeks on the trot, they would stop going. I’m not made of money, extra curricular activities are supposed to be for enrichment not a chore.

Let her stop. Not all kids want/need hobbies.

'She would rather stay at home and do housework' Excellent!

I'd let her quit but encourage her to try something else.

Now I have voted to keep her going if she actually enjoys it once she is there although it might depend on her age and what she would be doing if not there. My DC would do nothing bar play games on their ipads given half the chance and often that is the reason they don't want to leave the house. I have to force/threaten/cajole them out the door to their cycle club on a Sunday morning but they all enjoy it once there. I have let them give up various other hobbies along the way if they weren't engaging while they were actually there but I think hobbies outside school are good for them. Same with a musical instrument, I have heard that children often regret giving up a musical instrument so I will encourage and fund this as far as it goes and won't let them give up without a fight. My DS chose to do it, I would never have chosen the instrument in a million years, I am not living through him.

It's a hard one. As a kid and teenager, I did hours of dance and drama outside of school which I really loved, and I have an expectation that my kids will also be very active with extra curricula stuff. My husband never did anything and finds it all very alien. I don't think I would be okay with my kids not doing anything. Maybe your DD has just not found her thing yet and maybe as a PP said the Saturday theatre school is just too intense and too much after a week at school. If she does want to quit, don't panic. I stopped dancing mid way through primary for a couple of years but then went back to multiple dance classes every night after school and I still keep it up as an adult. I think I just lost the love for a little while. Have a chat, make a plan and remember that plans can be tweaked and changed.

DD used to do swimming, dance and gymnastics. But age 10 she went off all of them, and after a term of cajoling every lesson, I agreed she could stop.

Two years on, she's started keyboard lessons and asked if I can find her gymnastics lessons again.

She just needed time without the pressure to decide what she wanted to spend her time doing.

How old is she and why did she start (i.e. was it something she was really keen on doing initially, or did the impetus come from you?) I think children do get to an age where they don't necessarily want to do structured activities. And sometimes they become keen on things because their friends do them.

If she'd rather stay at home and do the housework, then why not turn that into a useful activity? Teach her how to hoover/clean the bathroom/mop the floor/do the dusting/cook some basic meals etc.

YABU, stop making her go. It's clear she doesn't enjoy it and she's given it a go for long enough.

If she’s a homebody, who actively wants to do housework, does/would she like baking/cooking? Or needle crafts? If she gets enough social time at school, I wouldn’t force the idea that hobbies have to be group activities, necessarily.

If you've paid for a certain number of classes I'd ask her to continue til then and then you will talk again about giving it up. If she still really wants to stop going I'd let her. Then give her the opportunity to try something else but if she really doesn't want to I think you have to accept that.

My DS did karate for 7 years. He was really in to it and did classes 3x per week, fun 'camps' in the holidays and attended courses as well as competitions where he won medals and trophies. He got up to Brown double stripe (belt before black). But he got to a point where he wasn't enjoying it as much - he cut the classes down and stopped competing. But in the end he decided to give it up. I was quite upset at first feeling he had worked so hard to not get his black belt. But he knows he can always go back if he wanted to. He gained a lot from it in particular confidence and that isn't lost now he has stopped.

My youngest isn't doing any extra curriculars now except keyboard that she does during school time. She tried dancing but stopped after a year. She then did Brownies which she loved but it is now only on Zoom which she hates. She also did choir which is obviously not happening now - this was a school club and she would usually do another school club but tried different things - French, Gymnastics, Drama but school clubs aren't running since Covid so she doesn't do any of these. I have to say there's less rushing around which is nice. And while she got into console games over Lockdown (Minecraft and Animal Crossing) she spends a lot of time doing Arts and crafts, Lego and reading and enjoys having more time for these.

My rule of thumb was 'I want you to regularly pursue two interests outside home, and for one to be a sport of some kind.' So they choose.

How old is your dd? Mine had a big wobble with dancing within a week of starting secondary. She looooved going then within the space of a couple of days hated it. It’s a very well regarded school, which wins awards etc. She was bored with her old dance school and wanted something more structured, which is why I sent her there. I pushed her to stay with the carrot of the yearly dance show (which she loves) and she got over it and loves going again. She was absolutely hateful to me at the time and there were lots of tears and arguments. Had I acquiesced, she would most definitely have regretted this.

Idk if this is useful to you at all. I definitely wouldn’t force your dd to go for months on end if she’s not enjoying it. As the parent, it’s your job to decide if she is enjoying it enough while she’s there despite protestations to the contrary.

I'd encourage her to continue. Its good for all sorts of reasons and if she comes out happy its more likely the effort of getting up and out she dislikes not the theatre school. Children need to learn to get up and out and not flake around in pyjamas all day.