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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DD continue her hobby

147 replies

WutheredOut · 05/12/2020 14:47

DD has been attending theatre school every weekend for the past couple of years. Every week she comes out telling us what she has done and showing us the dances etc
However on the flip side, every single week without fail it is a massive issue getting her to get dressed to go and all week long she says she hates it.

There are elements of it that we know she doesn’t enjoy but on the whole the singing, dancing and acting Is right up her street.

After this mornings sour face and following battle I am tempted to let her pack it in. The problem is she has no other hobbies and any attempt to suggest other alternatives, music lessons, dance lessons etc are met with a scowl (in general she is actually lovely!)

She said she would rather stay home and do housework

YABU to make her continue - let her give up!
YANBU to make her continue she will benefit in the long run!

OP posts:
ilhahih · 05/12/2020 18:02

@VividImagination

Ds3 has just given up cello despite being incredibly talented at it. I’m gutted. Really gutted. All those years of sitting in the car outside lessons, travelling in all weathers for concerts and orchestras, eating packed dinners and flasks of coffee, lesson fees, equipment etc, time wasted. Gutted. .......but, it’s his life, not mine. His choice and, no matter how I feel I’ve done my bit and he gets to choose.

Let her give it up and do her own thing.

Ds is still in his pyjamas!

It's never wasted honestly. He will have learned so much in that time - how to work as a team in the orchestra for example. Music is extremely good for the brain and will have helped in other subjects too. Later in life he may well come back to the cello or start another instrument. I'm a music teacher and I often get re-starters - whether that's older teenagers or adults.
Seeingadistance · 05/12/2020 18:02

@user1493413286

How old is she? To be honest I don’t entirely understand the push for children to have to do some extra curricular activity. I was given various opportunities as a child and tried them but never enjoyed anything enough to continue with it and i would have resented being forced to. I consider myself a well rounded adult and it’s not been a negative in my life.
I agree with this.
mermaidbunny · 05/12/2020 18:03

I think if she’s really unhappy there is no point forcing the issue as she will get nothing out of it as presumably she must not be engaging while she is there? I think theatre school and dance is a wonderful extra curricular activity for children as it teaches them so many other life skills such as team work, responsibility and confidence. However, she’ll only benefit from these if she is fully engaging with the class. Perhaps have a chat to her about what else she might like to try. My DS 11 is a dancer, he’s been dancing for 3 years, and he is in the studio six nights a week and also dances as an associate with The Royal Ballet School on Saturdays, and he is keen to do as much dancing as he can completely off his own back. He is a different child now to when he started, all for the better, so I can understand you wanting your DD to continue if you feel you’ve seen positive changes in her since she started. If he was showing signs that he was no longer interested, however, I would have a chat with him, his teacher, and then perhaps take a break and see if he showed any signs that he was missing it. I think only your DD can decide what she wants to do in the long term.

MayDayFightsBack · 05/12/2020 18:03

FFS my mother was like this about playing instruments and being in an orchestra. I finally put my foot down about this and other controlling behaviour when I was 14. As a result I don't play any musical instruments and I haven't spoken to my mother for 20 years. Live your own life not your daughter's.

SisyphusDad · 05/12/2020 18:05

Surely it's a good thing to let them try a range of things and accept that some will last for a while and some will be dropped pretty quickly and one just might become a lifelong passion or even a career.

My two DSs have been through any number of hobbies and activities. A few lasted quite a long time but I have always ultimately respected their wishes, even if I've been a bit narked at the amount of money wasted spent.

They've got plenty of life left to pick them up again, or choose something new.

Wheresmykimchi · 05/12/2020 18:07

I'm confused by PP . It seems clear that she does enjoy it when she gets there.

TonMoulin · 05/12/2020 18:11

It sounds like she has an issue with PART of the activity but really enjoys the other.

Is it possible for her to avoid those. Not. So nice bits, maybe by going to another place/group?
Sometimes it’s not the activity that is an issue. It’s the environment iyswim

CoronaIsWatching · 05/12/2020 18:25

It might just be the teachers or the way of learning she doesn't like?

I remeber when I was at primary I started learning the piano and had a really chilled relaxed teacher who made it fun, and I really loved it and made progress then when I went to high school my mum made me switch to a teacher at the school so I could grades etc, I hated it, the teacher was an old witch who made me cry nearly every week. I packed it in and never looked back.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 05/12/2020 18:26

It’s such a overbearing parent thing to impose hobbies, because you like it
My kids have no paid for hobbies,Nadda,no classes,no tutors,,no clubs Because they aren’t interested

Their class mates are dragooned into drama,sport,horses,tutors,music,dance because the parents want it and see it as a middle class badge of honour

cologne4711 · 05/12/2020 18:26

@RedskyAtnight

Children need to learn to get up and out and not flake around in pyjamas all day.

You would hate our household. We none of us get up and out at a weekend and pyjamas are quite often worn for a good part of the day! Why, exactly is this something that children need to learn?

Don't they learn to get up and out 5 days a week for school?

Hate lounging about in PJs and a dressing gown though.

I think it's worth saying "we've paid for x sessions" or "stick it out until Christmas (not that long now, so maybe Easter) to see how it goes. DS wanted to give up swimming and I said I wanted him to get to stage 7. I don't remember how old he was now but for whatever reason he leapfrogged stage 7 and by the time he got to stage 8 he wanted to carry on and is still swimming now, at 18.

He got to the stage with scouts where he complained every week about going so he stopped at the end of that term.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 05/12/2020 18:30

Children need to learn to get up and out and not flake around in pyjamas all day.
⬆️ Completely disagree my kids are at school & nursery all week they need some down time to leisurely lounge Around in pj all day. We often have whole days in pj under blankets sitting about

KitKat1985 · 05/12/2020 18:31

From my experience the more you try to push this sort of thing on kids the more they rebel against it and resent it. And most people discover their hobbies and interests on their own terms.

Let her quit. Maybe she just wants a break? Maybe she just hates it? She can always go back to it in the future if she likes it.

Topseyt · 05/12/2020 18:36

If she’d rather be at home doing housework then surely that is win, win.

If she doesn’t like theatre school and doesn’t want to go then of course you shouldn’t make her. She will end up resentful if you try to force the issue.

I remember being made to keep going with brownies and then guides long after I had lost interest in them. Eventually, towards the age of about 13 I simply stopped going.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 05/12/2020 18:38

My DD played the flute from 7-13 and was pretty good. At 13 she asked to stop. We agreed (because hobbies are meant to be fun) but said she could always take it up again in the future. Sure enough, when she was 15 she restarted lessons with fresh enthusiasm.

Quite apart from anything else hobbies can be expensive. Why waste money forcing children to do something that doesn’t bring them pleasure.

taxi4ballet · 05/12/2020 18:44

I'm actually going to disagree with a couple of PP's who have suggested that theatre school classes are good for building confidence. They are, but only for those dc who are relatively gregarious anyway, but who need a little push to really achieve. For those who are painfully shy and/or reticent, it would be like torture and would do them no good at all. There's nothing worse for a shy person than to be made to stand up and perform in front of others. All it does is reinforce how different and inferior you are to the outgoing popular kids.

WhySoSensitive · 05/12/2020 18:45

I find this a difficult one because my mum let me give up every hobby I tried - as long as I found another one to replace and try to keep me busy/active. I’m now 30 and have no hobbies at all and kind of wish my mum had ‘forced’ me to stick to something, so I would have had something.
Is there anything she shows another interest in you could follow - dance/music/singing on its own?

badacorn · 05/12/2020 18:47

I had a couple of dreaded, parent-mandated “hobbies” too. I don’t think they helped me with job/uni applications to be honest, I assume that’s why my parents made me attend. I didn’t get enjoyment or skills from them.

It’s reasonable to expect your kid to have a hobby. It’s not reasonable to choose the exact hobby and expect them to do it even though they dread it all week. I think it’d be ok to say yes you can pack it in but you have to choose something else.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 05/12/2020 19:32

Hobbies It’s a thing some parents obsess about as if hobbies=rounded, gifted and subtly better than everyone else
Conversely they think Lack of hobbies = slovenly,inability to participate in anything,bound to be a loser

warmandtoasty2day · 05/12/2020 19:33

I know it's not compulsory but am i the only one to think it's rude not to have any response from op, even if it's just 'thanks for the responses'. Is life really that busy or just a case of alot of people think ibu.

MrsGEW1 · 05/12/2020 20:23

I would not make her go! YABVU.

My mum was hell bent on me learning playing the piano and I said for years I hated the lessons. She wouldn't listen to reason, I achieved very little in the way of exam grades and it was complete waste of money. I still resent her a little for doing this and not listening to me when I obviously hated it and dreaded it EVERY week.
I am convinced she did it so she could brag about me taking the lessons!
I'm certainly not going to force my DS to do anything he doesn't want in his free time. Hobbies should be enjoyable for children!

TatianaBis · 05/12/2020 20:25

@taxi4ballet

I'm actually going to disagree with a couple of PP's who have suggested that theatre school classes are good for building confidence. They are, but only for those dc who are relatively gregarious anyway, but who need a little push to really achieve. For those who are painfully shy and/or reticent, it would be like torture and would do them no good at all. There's nothing worse for a shy person than to be made to stand up and perform in front of others. All it does is reinforce how different and inferior you are to the outgoing popular kids.
Many actors are shy in real life. People are rarely one thing or another.
lottiegarbanzo · 05/12/2020 20:41

Has she said why she hates it?

Coming out showing what she's done isn't the same as loving it while she's there.

What is she interested in? Are there things you could do together that she enjoys? Or would she like more free time to apend with her friends (in normal times)?

Original poster
WutheredOut · 05/12/2020 20:46

Thank you - there’s a lot of very impassioned responses!

There seem to be a split between people who have been forced into lessons by their parents and have a lot resentment - or other people, like me, who genuinely think we are doing it in our children’s best interests and are gutted when it doesn’t work out the way we had hoped.

I was able to do a number of extra curricular activities when I was younger - I wasn’t really any good at any of them but I always felt that it was good to have something else other than just school. I never resented doing any of them though.

I’ve had a chat with DD (she is 9 btw) and outlined what her options are. She is going to have a think about it and not make any rash decisions. Her sibling will still be going so even if she does stop she will have to get up at the same time and leave the house and I wonder if when we get there how she would feel about not going in.

At the end of the day it is up to her - I haven’t been forcing her to go she has just been very grumbly about it and as I said she always seems to come out having enjoyed most of it.

Thank you to everyone who has replied, a number of the comments have given me a lot to think about.

OP posts:
MrsMiaWallis · 05/12/2020 23:04

Can't you drop the sibling then take her to a different activity of her choosing? Kids that moan and fuss never stick at the thing they hate. Swimming?

RememberSelfCompassion · 05/12/2020 23:11

I dont think you can characterise everyone whi disagrees with you (the huge majority) ad doing so because they were pushed by parents (although I'm sure its a factor for some.)

I believe you think its in their best itnerests. Im sure thats the reasons any parent pushes their chosen hobbies on the kids. Its hard sometimes to see the child as a separate person as they grow up, with their own desires.

Sometimes a child will be scared ti firmly refuse, they dint want to let their parent down (as they see it) or disappoint them. They meed to genuinely feel its okay to stop.

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