Is it okay for parents to call teachers by first name?

[thisisnot]

Hi,

At my child's previous school we referred to all the teachers by their first name, and they signed off with the same (in emails etc.).

But in this new school, despite the email address including the first name, the teacher always signs off as Mrs last name - even when I have sent the initial email with her first name.

I also sign off with my first name and she responds "hi mrs last name".

What is going on here? Is it wrong for me to call her by her first name? I don't want to be rude so I will stop if I am being unreasonable.

It just feels odd calling them mrs, but I understand there may be some etiquette I have missed.

I also don't like being referred to as mrs, but not to the degree that I would bother correcting anyone. Just not something I would use myself.

Please let me know what you think!

You honestly feel not giving first name on an email gives more privacy - the first names are on the website - every knows them - even the kids!

That may be true at your children’s school but it isn’t at mine.

@flaviaritt

You honestly feel not giving first name on an email gives more privacy - the first names are on the website - every knows them - even the kids!

That may be true at your children’s school but it isn’t at mine.

Same here, they know our initials, they like to try to guess our names. If they find one out it's a big thing, and if they don't like that teacher they will use it amongst themselves like it gives them some sort of power.

But that might be because the school have built it up to be a super secret, if it were just out there they'd probably not even think about it.

She prefers to maintain a professional , respectful distance. Nothing wrong with that.

@flaviaritt

You honestly feel not giving first name on an email gives more privacy - the first names are on the website - every knows them - even the kids!

That may be true at your children’s school but it isn’t at mine.

But I bet all the kids still know the teacher's names...we all did - the air of mystery, made us curious...maybe some kids are never curious - but I think most are...at least I hope they are.

But that might be because the school have built it up to be a super secret, if it were just out there they'd probably not even think about it.

Maybe. I think the use of titles between children and adults helps underline the difference in status between pupil and teacher. I don’t particularly want my child calling her teachers “Bob” and “Janet”. I much prefer her to understand that they are not her friends, they are authority figures. But then I am old-fashioned in that way.

But I bet all the kids still know the teacher's names...we all did - the air of mystery, made us curious...maybe some kids are never curious - but I think most are...at least I hope they are.

We used to guess, or try to, or find out. But we always used our teachers’ titles to their faces. The fact that the first names was a ‘secret’ helped make sure that was the case.

DS Y7. Started with the Mr/Ms because it felt weird not to. But DS has additional support so we've been in contact with certain teachers more than normal. It's first name terms now, started by them probably as I sign myself off first name. But if it's a teacher I only know slightly always the Mr/Ms.

My son attends a school where everyone pupils teachers headteacher parents are referred to by first names ( I don't even know his teachers surname) I thought it was strange at first 🤷‍♀️
My daughter attends a school where all staff use mrs surname etc, I know lots of my daughters staff as friends out of school but still use mrs .... in-the school setting because that's how they address me as.

flaviaritt
I tell students my first name if they ask. It isn't a big secret but they still call me Mrs Smiles at work.

Crapbuttrue
That's what I find happens. The parents I spend a lot of time with tend to be first name terms, but always Mrs Smiles in front of the children. The parents that I speak to occasionally will tend to stick to Mrs Smiles even if I lead with my first name.

My eldest has always gone to a specialist school and everyone goes by their first name. It was a bit if a surprise when I had 2 more children who are in mainstream and realised they didn’t.

I tell students my first name if they ask. It isn't a big secret but they still call me Mrs Smiles at work.

Which is entirely different.

I’m very involved at my dc primary school, I’m a governor and also used to be on the PTA and was a parent volunteer. When I’m talking in front of children it’s Mrs/Mr last name but when it’s just adults we all go by first names.
When I call my DC teacher by Miss smith then I’m in parent mode and not governor mode. I don’t like it when they call me Mrs though it makes me feel old!

@flaviaritt

But that might be because the school have built it up to be a super secret, if it were just out there they'd probably not even think about it.

Maybe. I think the use of titles between children and adults helps underline the difference in status between pupil and teacher. I don’t particularly want my child calling her teachers “Bob” and “Janet”. I much prefer her to understand that they are not her friends, they are authority figures. But then I am old-fashioned in that way.

You do sound old-fashioned.

I like my kids to respect people because they understand the dynamics of a situation - teachers know stuff you don't know (even the crap ones), sit down, don't interrupt, listen and engage when asked - you might learn something...(hopefully)! - to ask them to respect a title is daft and they are not stupid enough to believe this.

I've never been a lover of doing stuff because it's always been done - there has to be a reason...uncovering that reason isn't always an easy or comfortable exercise but that's progress for you.

You do sound old-fashioned.

Good.

I like my kids to respect people because they understand the dynamics of a situation - teachers know stuff you don't know (even the crap ones), sit down, don't interrupt, listen and engage when asked - you might learn something...(hopefully)! - to ask them to respect a title is daft and they are not stupid enough to believe this.

Nobody is asking them to respect the title, but to use it, because that is what is being asked of them by the person in authority.

I've never been a lover of doing stuff because it's always been done - there has to be a reason...uncovering that reason isn't always an easy or comfortable exercise but that's progress for you.

I think the reason is fine.

just curious to know why the mrs last name for someone you see every day?

Because it is a professional relationship, not a friendship.
Same as I don't call my GP or my dentist by their first name.

Gosh isn’t fault always found no matter what teachers do The surname thing is convention in almost all schools in the UK and I’d find it very strange to call my DC’s teacher by their first name. The relationship is between the child and the teacher and for whatever reason that is accepted as being a Mr Mrs Miss Ms relationship (which I personally agree with). My relationship is merely an extension of that one so I mirror this and call her Mrs Smith. That doesn’t mean Mrs Smith is a superior adult to me it’s just keeping a level of distance that is appropriate for both parties. It is not equivalent to me calling my colleagues or business clients by their first name. That’s a different type of relationship altogether and yes I’ve also called top bosses of very large firms by their nicknames and first names as was convention for those that are mentioning that. It’s totally irrelevant. Mrs Smith is my child’s teacher and I address her as such because that’s who she is to my child and therefore by extension to me. I see no issue with that. It gives the teachers a little distance as PP indicates teachers can be privy to very personal family details (which your business colleagues or the client top boss wouldn’t be!) and they also have to give opinions on YOUR child (learning behaviour potential spotting a problem etc etc). If I were a teacher I would want a professional distance for that role.

That’s not to say parents and teachers cannot be friendly and collaborative over the child. I’d also imagine if I was involved in volunteering and was chatting to only teachers (no children around) that we’d all use first names.

I also don’t mind what teachers address me as. I sign off firstname surname. I’ve been referred to mainly as Surname. The head of our 600 child school said “Hello Mrs Surname” to me just this week. I wasn’t offended! I was highly impressed she even knew my surname as I’ve had no personal dealings with her (or rather she knew my child’s surname as DC was with me at the time and she’s not had direct dealings with my child either). Why would she want to have to remember over 600 odd adult first names? Individual teachers in primary have 30 children too so smaller scale and more potential for them to know individual family names but I’d still be okay if they called me Mrs instead of Ms for instance. I think some people like to make a bigger thing out of these issues than is necessary.

I also agree that some parents refer to teachers (even if just talking other parents) by their first name as it gives them some sense of “inner circle” bullshit. Parents can be strange and have strange exceptions of teachers. Worst I’ve seen was a group of parents complaining to each other that their children were being allocated Mrs H next year because they thought she might be too depressing in the classroom and not enough fun for their children. The reason? A well gossiped about very late pregnancy loss for Mrs H the previous term. All heart those parents were. No wonder teachers want to maintain some distance when they are being gossiped about like that.

frogsInThebog

Unfortunately there are some really dubious people out there. I don’t mind at all that teachers want to maintain a professional distance.

@flaviaritt

You do sound old-fashioned.

Good.

I like my kids to respect people because they understand the dynamics of a situation - teachers know stuff you don't know (even the crap ones), sit down, don't interrupt, listen and engage when asked - you might learn something...(hopefully)! - to ask them to respect a title is daft and they are not stupid enough to believe this.

Nobody is asking them to respect the title, but to use it, because that is what is being asked of them by the person in authority.

I've never been a lover of doing stuff because it's always been done - there has to be a reason...uncovering that reason isn't always an easy or comfortable exercise but that's progress for you.

I think the reason is fine.

You sound a bit silly, what age are your kids? I'm guessing you haven't hit the teen stage yet.

You sound a bit silly, what age are your kids? I'm guessing you haven't hit the teen stage yet.

I’m not particularly inclined to answer questions from someone who professes to respect people (generally) and yet calls me “silly”.

Actually no they are my equal until they start using that title nonsense, then they do fall a little! 😂 Why do they feel the need to use their title? Why is it a nonsense title, it's those name. You're not calling their High Lord Teacher Smith or Teacherlybosswoman Smith. You're just using her name.

flaviaritt
Once I answered and the class were vocally disappointed because they'd already decided that I had a different name and I suit their chosen name much more than my real name.

Students are funny.

@BackforGood

just curious to know why the mrs last name for someone you see every day?

Because it is a professional relationship, not a friendship.
Same as I don't call my GP or my dentist by their first name.

I have a professional relationship with my colleagues and clients, I don't need a title - why do teachers? Dentist doesn't use it, GPs don't either - especially the younger ones.

Once I answered and the class were vocally disappointed because they'd already decided that I had a different name and I suit their chosen name much more than my real name.

Cute.

it's Mrs X - I do wonder what's wrong with them that they need the title to shore up their confidence. It's only standard for teachers and it's not odd to wonder why! What wrong with you that you are so resistant to change?

If I’m calling a parent about their child, they need to know who I am. The child will have only referred to me as “Miss EachDay”, so why wouldn’t I use that name?

If it’s a parent I speak to repeatedly I’ll say “It’s Smile EachDay”. Otherwise, how are they supposed to know who I am?

Why do you assume it’s insecurity?

@Fluffyowl00

On a plus note though, as a teacher I offer the use of my first name to parents who I like and I know respect me...Miss Fluffy for the rest. Must be my insecurities or something.

Nah clearly from this thread you use Mom to the lowly ones you consider your equal and Miss Fluffy to the ones you're so insecure about because they're so much better than you.