Is it okay for parents to call teachers by first name?

[thisisnot]

Hi,

At my child's previous school we referred to all the teachers by their first name, and they signed off with the same (in emails etc.).

But in this new school, despite the email address including the first name, the teacher always signs off as Mrs last name - even when I have sent the initial email with her first name.

I also sign off with my first name and she responds "hi mrs last name".

What is going on here? Is it wrong for me to call her by her first name? I don't want to be rude so I will stop if I am being unreasonable.

It just feels odd calling them mrs, but I understand there may be some etiquette I have missed.

I also don't like being referred to as mrs, but not to the degree that I would bother correcting anyone. Just not something I would use myself.

Please let me know what you think!

Dentist doesn't use it, GPs don't either - especially the younger ones.

I use titles for my dentist and GP and they use mine.

My husband is friends with the head of a local school. Lots of my friends have kids that go to his school. This has caused great consternation among my friends when we have a bbq and Mr Xxx is invited, as they don’t know what to call him! They are too embarrassed to call him by his first name.

GPs don't either - especially the younger ones

You don’t think a doctor would introduce themselves as “Dr whoever”?

That’s not true.

@GanderousGoose

Not rtft but in my school, we are told we mustn't use first names when emailing parents, even if they use their first name to sign off.

Don't you mind your SLT infantalising you?

My grandma was my nursery teacher and taught a number of my friends. I called her Mrs Lastname at school the same as everyone else, my DF would do the same at school, DM just avoided using names as I think referring to your own mother in such a formal way might be a step too far. At home we called her grandma or my DF would use her first name of course.

My friends who were taught by her still call her Mrs Lastname no matter how many times she says 'please I haven't taught you for 35 years you can call me Mary' , parents do it too, oh hello Mrs Lastname so lovely to see you how are you keeping etc and she will say oh hello, how is little James what did he grow up to be, he was always ever so bright/musical/sporty/helpful etc . It's a professional relationship and interaction and should remain that way.

Start emailing DCs teachers 'Hi Joan, Johnny won't be doing sports this term it's too cold for the little dear', and then when they're giving them detention or telling you their behaviour at school isn't appropriate it becomes awkward re-establishing roles and boundaries and you are more likely to feel personally affronted at any difference of opinion.

I know my doctors and dentist's names but I wouldn't use them, and my doctors call me Mrs Surname. I would be quite shocked to meet a doctor who didn't go by Dr Surname or address a patient as Mr/Mrs/ etc.

@BackforGood - how do you address your hairdresser? They're not your friend but surely you call them Sophie and permit them to call you Backfor?

@MoiraCrows

The rules about school email etiquette are the last on a loooong list of the things we wish SLT wouldn't do.

But despite the teacher shortage it's not that easy to just find another post, and you never know if SLT will be any better anyway.

how do you address your hairdresser? They're not your friend but surely you call them Sophie and permit them to call you Backfor?

But that is to do with how they introduce themselves. If my hairdresser said her name was Mrs Blah I would call her Mrs Blah.

But that is to do with how they introduce themselves. If my hairdresser said her name was Mrs Blah I would call her Mrs Blah.

Something tells me she wouldn’t, though.

It depends on context. When being a parent I go for Mr/Mrs and so do they...and when I am bring a parent governor I use first name and so do they.

@BackforGood

just curious to know why the mrs last name for someone you see every day?

Because it is a professional relationship, not a friendship.
Same as I don't call my GP or my dentist by their first name.

I deal with professionals every day, accountants, solicitors, architects, surveyors, and never use Mr/Mrs - it's always first names, even for people I've never spoken to/met before. It's certainly NOT normal for most other professions.

Something tells me she wouldn’t, though. wink

Again, that’s just about conventions in different sectors. In teaching, the convention is Mrs Blah. I think it’s just standard.

As a teacher I sign off my emails as Firstname Secondname, but invariably parents reply with Dear Mrs Secondname. I don’t mind either way!

I would always use title and last name for a teacher.

One of the mums at my dds school tries so hard to be overly friendly with the teachers, I remember in reception year her saying "I was having a great chat with sarah about xyz" and me and another mum had no idea who she was talking about, we realised later on and thought her really weird.

I also remember my auntie calling a teacher by a first name and my mum asked why and she said she "couldn't call her mrs x, shes way younger then me it doesn't feel right" which I thought really rude

I expect parents to use my surname in front of their children. When it's just me, I don't care. But in school we randomly call other teachers MrsMr Whatever instead of first name anyway. I'd find it weird if a parent approached me the first time we'd met with my first name.

When was a senco I always used first names with parents because we got really close. I'd introduce myself to a new parent as my first name.

I email certain members of staff a lot and we use first names but when we are talking near DS we use surnames.

I am also on first name terms with a lot of medical professionals!

I would prefer to use a Title & Surname for teachers. I would expect them to do the same back.

Not saying this to be controversial but have seen mention of drs and dentists quite a bit now and my dentist most definitely goes by first name - not just by me, I hear the receptionists refer to her as this with other patients all the time. And I have had one gp ask me to call her by her first name, and recently a surgeon, also introduced herself by her first name.

Maybe things are changing? And maybe this is why it feels unnatural for me to say mrs last name?

I'm so sorry for any arguments this has caused! I don't mind heated discussions but really didn't mean for this to lead any mean arguments!

Well, this evening I emailed 4 of DC's teachers to tell them how delighted I was with their mock results and to thank them for all their hard work. I addressed them all by their forenames and signed off "best wishes, Moira" because I'm an adult corresponding with other adults and had no idea I was committing such a faux pas

I'm a teacher, I sign off email with my first name as I'm not bothered really about that kinda stuff- though most people say it back as Ms Glummy.

Rule of thumb: call them whatever they sign off as. If they want to be called Mr X then call them Mr X, it won't kill you.

This feels so old fashioned. I work in a professional context with health visitors, GPs, social workers, nurses etc and never heard any of the expect clients/ patients use title and last name only. Neither does any of the professionals I see personally such as the dentist or GP.

Also the kids call the teachers by their first names at DD's primary school. As far as I'm aware this doesn't seem to create any boundary issues.

thisisnot

But at the end of the day, this teacher isn’t introducing herself by her first name. Why do you care?

@flaviaritt

how do you address your hairdresser? They're not your friend but surely you call them Sophie and permit them to call you Backfor?

But that is to do with how they introduce themselves. If my hairdresser said her name was Mrs Blah I would call her Mrs Blah.

Would you think they were being weird though? Or would you just accept it in a non-thinking way?

I addressed them all by their forenames and signed off "best wishes, Moira" because I'm an adult corresponding with other adults and had no idea I was committing such a faux pas smile

In my mind, an adult understands that you call people what they call themselves. If you don’t know, you err on the side of caution.