Is it okay for parents to call teachers by first name?

[thisisnot]

Hi,

At my child's previous school we referred to all the teachers by their first name, and they signed off with the same (in emails etc.).

But in this new school, despite the email address including the first name, the teacher always signs off as Mrs last name - even when I have sent the initial email with her first name.

I also sign off with my first name and she responds "hi mrs last name".

What is going on here? Is it wrong for me to call her by her first name? I don't want to be rude so I will stop if I am being unreasonable.

It just feels odd calling them mrs, but I understand there may be some etiquette I have missed.

I also don't like being referred to as mrs, but not to the degree that I would bother correcting anyone. Just not something I would use myself.

Please let me know what you think!

The general rule is that you don’t give yourself a title. Hence, HM Queen signs “Elizabeth R”, the Duke of Norfolk “Norfolk” and the Prime Minister signs “Boris Johnson”. And you’d correctly address them as “Your Majesty”, “Your Grace” and “Prime Minister”. It’s the same, if more mundane, with teachers. They sign themselves “Firstname Lastname” and you address them as Mr/Mrs/Ms Lastname - and the same in reverse. Assume standard formality with schools unless specifically advised “ please call me Mike” (or whatever).

Teachers using first names with colleagues is different like all professional jobs the relationship between colleague and client are worlds apart.
I use ms/mr as a professional title.
The only people other than teachers I refer to as mrs/mr are my elderly neighbours

I see my old primary school teacher sometimes and I still call him Mr Surname as it feels disrespectful not to. I'm 47

I have wondered this recently too OP! When the teacher calls us (they are doing it every few weeks due to covid and not being able to go in the classroom - reception), she uses her first and last name, and also refers to the teaching assistant by her first name. But when we are talking about her on the class WhatsApp amongst parents it’s always Mrs X. I was also pondering the etiquette but she has introduced herself by her first name several times now!

I've noticed many Doctors have stopped with this old fashioned title nonsense too.

I prefer to use formal names (titles and surnames) for professional situations. I call my doctor dr X and I’m called Ms Y by him/her. Similarly, I call parents by formal names and expect the same in return. Where there’s a discrepancy (one person prefers formal, the other informal) you stick with the higher degree of formality imo.

It is a faux pas to try to use first names, unless invited to do so

Only in Jane Austen novels.

I would imagine she is trying to keep it professional OP that's why your are mrs not in her communication. I always say Mrs etc especially Infront of the children as it shows respect to the teacher

I really hate addressing parents as Dear Sharon......

It feels so informal, I don't know you, you are not my friend, to me you are Mrs Taylor.

I also feel weird if parents address me as a 'Sharon', I'm Mrs Tumbletap, you don't know me. Weird weird weird.

As a poster said previously, I wouldn't walk into my dentist and say 'Hi Derek'. He would be Mr Dentist.

@Orangeboots what job do you do?

Also think that in a school with hundreds and hundreds of pupils, students call me Mrs Tumbletap, teachers call me Mrs Tumbletap as we are infront of students. It's my work name. I can't slip into calling myself 'Betty' all of a sudden over email, it doesn't feel right.

However if it confuses you and you reply to an email with Hi, thanks for replying I just wanted to clarify......

That is absolutely fine!

I've noticed many Doctors have stopped with this old fashioned title nonsense too.

My doctor is Dr. Bloggs
There is a husband and wife at the same surgery who are Dr J .Bloggs and Dr M .Bloggs

Even as a child I addressed my dentist by her first name. The nurse would say "Jane's ready for you now."

It's not about being the teacher's friend, it's the way adults address each other in 21st century Britain.

I’d take their lead.

I always refer to teachers by the last name. My DCs school is quite informal and use first names, I do this during emails or a phone call as they always introduce themselves with their first names, so I mirror them. When my DCs are around it’s always Mrs last name though.

It's not about being the teacher's friend, it's the way adults address each other in 21st century Britain.

It’s not, though. When my doctor, kid’s teacher, surveyor, bank manager calls, they use my title. If the relationship remains formal, the title remains formal.

It’s only people who obsess about proving they are the ‘equal’ of various professionals who obsess about this stuff.

@MoiraCrows Or in languages that differentiate "you" into formal and informal versions. In Germany and France it is quite definitely a faux pas, and in Japan I suspect you'd be arrested

I always use Mrs RoseCider. If any parents used my first name I’d still sign an email or Dojo off Mrs RoseCider.

[quote toocold54]@Orangeboots what job do you do?[/quote]
Cleaner...does it matter?

@flaviaritt

Dentist doesn't use it, GPs don't either - especially the younger ones.

I use titles for my dentist and GP and they use mine.

All of our Imy family's) GPs, hospital, doctors and dentists use their title and surname. None introduce themselves by their first name. I've been seeing the same rheumatologist and GP for years but they always use their title and surname.

Cleaner...does it matter?

No I was just struggling to think of a job where you are not Mr or Mrs.... in a professional sense or when spoken to by another adult in a professional sense like a doctor, solicitor, utilities etc phoning to speak to you.

When I was a cleaner I was always addressed as Miss...... apart from co-workers or after I had introduced myself as my first name.

I'm a teacher. We always call a patent Mr / Mrs / Ms / Dr etc. I sign off with my first and last name. Most parents call me Mrs X but a couple just use my (and their) first name and that's fine by me too.

[quote Tootletum]@MoiraCrows Or in languages that differentiate "you" into formal and informal versions. In Germany and France it is quite definitely a faux pas, and in Japan I suspect you'd be arrested [/quote]
I'm in the UK though so that's not relevant.

My doctor calls me by my first name. I've never spoken to my bank manager but the staff at telephone banking ask if they can call me Moira and as I'm not a pompous twit, I say yes.

And I cringe if I'm ever addressed as 'Madam' 😬

I think its odd too.
At my kids old school all the teachers went by their first names. Like everyone else on the planet!
New school & I did exactly the same as you OP and emailed DS's teacher using her first name. She responded and signed off MissXXXX - she is about half my age too which I find even more bizarre frankly! 🤷‍♀️

@toocold54

Cleaner...does it matter?

No I was just struggling to think of a job where you are not Mr or Mrs.... in a professional sense or when spoken to by another adult in a professional sense like a doctor, solicitor, utilities etc phoning to speak to you.

When I was a cleaner I was always addressed as Miss...... apart from co-workers or after I had introduced myself as my first name.

Actually, I help to run a professional services firm...I still don't think it matters though - we address everyone in the same way - colleagues, clients, associates, suppliers, lawyers and accountants - with respect, friendly and welcoming, with no titles - that would be weird, we'd come across as completely out of touch...and we still manage to remain professional and keep control of ourselves...how do we do it?

Oursnis the same OP. I have puzzled over it and all I can think is that schools are extremely old fashioned places. I mean most use a uniform that has hardly changed in a century.

Oddly the instant I deregistered my child, in that conversation the Head called himself and me by his first name. I felt like it was some kinda “now we are not in an official relationship I can be normal with you” thing - all too complicated for me. I think it shoukd just be first names all round same as work, OR they should use surnames for children too, as schools used to. It seems very deliberately disrespectful to me that children can’t use the teachers first name but the teacher can use the child’s first name.