Is it okay for parents to call teachers by first name?

[thisisnot]

Hi,

At my child's previous school we referred to all the teachers by their first name, and they signed off with the same (in emails etc.).

But in this new school, despite the email address including the first name, the teacher always signs off as Mrs last name - even when I have sent the initial email with her first name.

I also sign off with my first name and she responds "hi mrs last name".

What is going on here? Is it wrong for me to call her by her first name? I don't want to be rude so I will stop if I am being unreasonable.

It just feels odd calling them mrs, but I understand there may be some etiquette I have missed.

I also don't like being referred to as mrs, but not to the degree that I would bother correcting anyone. Just not something I would use myself.

Please let me know what you think!

Would you think they were being weird though? Or would you just accept it in a non-thinking way?

Unusual, yes. Not weird. It’s not my business what people choose to call themselves.

@Bluepolkadots42

As a teacher I always sign of Mrs Bluepolkadots42 and if a parent addressed me in an email by my first name I would be embarrassed (for them) and feel it was a huge overstep. For me I like to keep a professional distance and this is one way I do that- first name terms feels far too familiar for me.

Wow, you'd be embarrassed for the parents??? How old fashioned. In my dd's school (no uniform, so maybe this is related ) I address the teachers by their first name in emails and they do the same back. If they called me Mrs Child's Last Name that would be a) inaccurate as it's my dd's dad's name, I kept my own and b) it would feel like they are putting me in my place! Grim.

Wow, mumsnetters email teachers alot

I call the teachers what my children do, so that is Miss/Mrs/Ms/Mr XYZ

@SmileEachDay

GPs don't either - especially the younger ones

You don’t think a doctor would introduce themselves as “Dr whoever”?

That’s not true.

Maybe not for some - you can't say it is for all and I didn't say it's for all either - you made the assumption.

According to Debretts (just checked because this is something my very well-to-do godmother told me) the direct way to refer to yourself is first name plus surname. You can add your title AFTER your name, in brackets, in written correspondence i.e. "Mary Jones (Miss)" but it is improper to introduce yourself as "Miss Jones". Use of your title is an honour bestowed on you by others as a sign of their respect. Referring to yourself by title is like referring to yourself as "Sir" or " Madam" - traditionally seen as rather gauche and arrogant.

However on the flip side, others should refer to you by title + surname until invited to do otherwise.

It's a dilemma for me when my child's teacher calls and says "It's Mary from X school" and I call her Miss Jones waiting for her to say "just call me Mary " and she doesn't! Similarly I had a boss who would pompously introduce himself in meetings as "Mr Cuntington" [name substituted] and I would inwardly cringe.

If I'm speaking to the teacher without children around I call them by their first name. But if around children I say Mr/Mrs.

@flaviaritt

thisisnot

But at the end of the day, this teacher isn’t introducing herself by her first name. Why do you care?

I guess I care because - this is just my experience - it feels like a way that children address adults in school (my kid was on first names with teachers in their previous school btw - which I preferred).

I realise that this is not necessarily the case based on the answers here but it does feel like a way of maintaining some sort of power.

And I do find the suggestion that using first names creates some sort of boundary issues a bit odd!

This is literally the only context in my adult life which I have to refer to someone as mrs last name so I was just wondering why! It definitely feels strange to me so it's almost hard to get the words out!

My therapist (dr) uses her first name and if there were ever going to be boundary issues I think that would definitely one of the settings!

I agree with all the posters about it being old fashioned. However I will still use mrs last name out of respect (although I don't get the same respect back but yooou knoow).

I’m a teacher and find it a bit ridiculous to insist on parents calling you by your surname. But if they do insist they should at least extend the same courtesy. I used to work for a headteacher who would call a parent on the phone and say “hello Sarah, this is Mr Smith, headteacher of Pompous school, I’m afraid I have to ring about your son who did a very good outrageous impression of me”.

I wouldn’t worry too much. Anyone who got offended would look a bit petty and silly.

If I'm speaking to the teacher without children around I call them by their first name.

But they haven’t invited this familiar relationship. It’s weird. I don’t expect people calling me up to call me “Flavia” - they don’t know me personally, so it‘s Mrs Flavia to them. Same with a teacher.

It's normal to call teachers by their last name, my daughters teacher is a lady I went to school with and have known for 40 years! I have always called her by her first name but I'm school I call her Mrs xxxx it's also less confusing for the kids!

When teaching in the UK, even though I signed off as Jenny echt, I was always called Ms echt, and indeed this correct etiquette.I always called parents by their titles.

In Australia it's all first names and took some getting used to. I still feel weird phoning a parent about some misdemeanour by their child and calling them by their first name: Hi Geoff, I'm calling about your appalling child. Never feels right, so I go formal for the bad news.

@Bluepolkadots42

As a teacher I always sign of Mrs Bluepolkadots42 and if a parent addressed me in an email by my first name I would be embarrassed (for them) and feel it was a huge overstep. For me I like to keep a professional distance and this is one way I do that- first name terms feels far too familiar for me.

You are hilarious 😂 the arbritar of good taste you think! The world has moved on, people have upskilled - some people are even so talented they can use first name and still be professional, mind blowing!

I guess I care because - this is just my experience - it feels like a way that children address adults in school (my kid was on first names with teachers in their previous school btw - which I preferred).

It’s just how you talk politely to people you don’t know well in a professional situation. Lighten up!

It is a faux pas to try to use first names, unless invited to do so. It is part of keeping professional distance, particularly as often the child is present when speaking with a parent. In school I am Mrs X to all children and parents and indeed teachers refer to other teachers in the same way in front of children and parents. Many schools have email policies stating that parents should always be referred to as Mr/Ms even if they use first names.

I see her more than I see the checkout assistants in my local supermarket who wear their names on their shirts?! Still doesn't make much sense.

However, you will usually find the Doctor, optician, vet, bank manager, etc etc calls you by title and surname

I am laughing at the thought of our vet calling DH "Mr. Swim" as they attend a cow having a difficult birth.

Letters from the head offices of the professions mentioned tend to use titles but in person/phone/email, the individual has always referred to me by first name.

@flaviaritt

If I'm speaking to the teacher without children around I call them by their first name.

But they haven’t invited this familiar relationship. It’s weird. I don’t expect people calling me up to call me “Flavia” - they don’t know me personally, so it‘s Mrs Flavia to them. Same with a teacher.

Dear Ms/Mr/Mrs/Mx Flaviaritt,

I do hope you are well?

I was wondering, do you often work in a professional environment - if so how do you cope with first names, do you faint frequently at the familiarity of it all?

Yours sincerely

Ms O Boots

I see her more than I see the checkout assistants in my local supermarket who wear their names on their shirts?! Still doesn't make much sense.

But do you call them by their first names, or do you understand that they are made to wear them?

There is a quite remarkable level of pomposity on this thread, that has me returning to it regularly for entertainment value, just to see what new gems are thrown out.

Orangeboots

I don’t faint, no. I think it’s rude.

I always call teachers Mrs x or Mr Y. They always refer to me as Mrs Elliott.

At primary school they were always referred to by Mrs X although being on the PTA meant you could call the Head by her first name in private. Guess that is a perk of being on the PTA!

Anyway, I think this is obvious to most sensible people that this is about people’s paranoia about status.

It certainly is about people’s paranoia.

I've never know a vet to insist on a title... does this really or is it on All Creatures Great and Small? Is this really someone's recent experience?

But I think the point about shop assistants is a good one. If you go into Primark and start calling the assistants “Bob”, just because they have a name badge on, you’re a very clear dick. You don’t know them. If they challenge you, they get into trouble, not you. Most people don’t like being first named by strangers. So the polite convention is calling people by the name they offer you.