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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider telling my 2yo the truth about Father Christmas?

492 replies

owmn · 04/12/2020 08:47

Basically, looking for a bit of advice and other’s experiences!

DD has just turned 2, and so has no concept as yet of Father Christmas, aside from some decorations we have that feature him.

I’ve been thinking about being honest with her from the get go, largely because the idea of her finding out we’ve lied to her for so long, years down the line, makes me a bit sad! But will she be missing out on part of the magic of Christmas? The tradition of writing a letter, leaving out mince pies and carrots, etc.

I also can’t figure out how to ensure she knows she’s very lucky to receive presents, and recognises her privilege, if she believes in Father Christmas. Do we tell her we’re lucky enough to be able to pay him?!

We won’t be telling her she has to behave for presents, only her stocking will come from him, and we’ll be making sure her letter asks him for things for others too, if we do go ahead.

If you have been honest with your LO, what have you replaced those kind of traditions with?

Genuinely never thought I’d have to give it this much consideration! 😂

OP posts:
PilliChant · 04/12/2020 14:15

Well... I actually do really resent that my mum didn't ever pretend about Father Christmas. Even as a small child I could recognise how much more amazing it was for other people, and I think I can attribute some of my general cynicism to that. I always knew they were duped, I probably felt a bit superior about that at the time, but certainly sad that I'd missed out. My own kids won't be told the truth on this.

CarolinaWeeper · 04/12/2020 14:19

It's a rite of passage for most older primary school children to work it out and then feel grown up for doing so.

I agree with this, for most it makes them feel grown up and part of the club.

For us personally, the balance was to go low-key on Father Christmas. He brought the stockings but all other presents were from family and aunts/uncles/grandparents were sent thank you letters. We didn't write letters to Father Christmas but we'd go and visit him at a grotto and the children told him one thing they would like....if it was something that wouldn't fit in the stocking then it was a present from us. We also didn't use FC as some sort of behaviour tool, it's empty threats..... you're going to give them gifts whether they're well behaved or not so why pretend otherwise?

Ivy455 · 04/12/2020 14:23

@Crystal87

Why have kids at all if you're going to be like this? I don't get parents like you. Not everything in life has to have a lesson behind it. Some things are just for fun.
So you shouldn't have children if you don't want to tell your child that Santa is real? Seriously?
WoolieLiberal · 04/12/2020 14:25

I’m in the “let them have the joy and magic” crowd.

They work it out for themselves anyway around 8-10 at school.

The years of fun and magic are worth the very small chance that they might be a bit upset when they find out the truth.

I was a believer. Finding out didn’t destroy me or damage my relationship with my parents.

ColaandBru · 04/12/2020 14:25

My child just never believed. We didn't tell her either way though we never egged it up at all if that makes sense and we never said he was real.

She never discussed it or told anyone else until she was eight when a child was crying in the playground because a Santa believer told him Santa didn't like him, he must be a bad boy etc because he had only got a packet of chocolate buttons and a toy car in his stocking and she had got and an iPad.

Then my daughter told the little boy that Santa wasn't real and that that child was just being silly and mean. Children can hurt other children whatever you do or don't say about Santa.

Children find out these things at different ages, are from different belief systems etc and if you build up fictions for your children (however lovely they are) you have to accept that others might tell them that they aren't true and that is not the other person's fault.

The one thing I would say is that, though our daughter has many things she struggles with, she is an incredibly honest teenager. She tells us if she had a bad music lesson, she tells us if she got a low grade, she tells us if she thinks she has done something wrong, she shows us any social media that worries her and asks us how to respond etc. This may always have been the case but I do think being straightforward with her about things from an early age may have helped.

Anyway, an alternative perspective. There are lots of different ways of being a good parent and I'm sure you will make the right decision for your family.

SendHelp30 · 04/12/2020 14:26

Only on mumsnet

Alexafrost · 04/12/2020 14:30

"Because I do not have any happy Christmas memories and no longer care enough to go out of my way to not upset people anymore or care about what they think to continue something I don't enjoy and don't believe in."

That suggests you did once celebrate Christmas and yet you don't have any good memories of it at all. Your Christmasses must have been really grim if that is the case.

"My children can join in as much as they want with any tradition with their friends or at school. When they've been asked, we've coached them to say that we just don't celebrate it and they get their presents at New Year's, birthdays, and Children's Day in June (because with kids and also some adults, the main worry has been making sure they get gifts). They can expand on our holidays, but I don't want them to feel pressured to justify their father's and my choice on what we don't do. As I tell them, we don't need people to understand, don't even really need people to respect it, just as long as people aren't nasty about it."

New Year's was the traditional time to exchange gilts and still is in Russia (due to the Soviets banning Christmas for a while). Christmas day gifts only came in during the 19th century and Victoria wouldn't go along with the new fad and still had her gift exchange at the start of the new year.

Do you worry your kids will feel left out at all if all their friends are celebrating Christmas even if they are getting pressies?

"I think there are more than a few people who don't find Christmas a good jolly, but keep up the pretense because we're told we should enjoy this."

That's probably true but it's perfectly possible to tailor it to a more individual approach and leave out the parts you don't like if you don't feel too annoyed or bitter about it to not bother at all.

It's funny, my parents had no interest in Christmas at all and only went through the motions when I was a child. I think that's made me go in the opposite direction and celebrate that and lots of other festivals in a really big way. I've also read much of the history of the festival and its origins too so I'm a bit of a Christmas bore and usually know the answers to every Christmas quiz going.

Alexafrost · 04/12/2020 14:34

"LadyFelsham

I was terribly shocked and livid when I found out that my parents had lied to me. It ruined our relationship because they had lied-truth was not important to them.

This has stayed with me to this day-the ease with which they lied- and I told my 28 month old the truth and he appreciated it hugely. He knows not to tell other children but is terribly sad that their parents lie"

That has to be satire surely? Often on here it's hard to tell.

TicTacTwo · 04/12/2020 14:35

I think that children often have make believe games where they are a princess or superhero and that's healthy. I see FC as a similar pretend game. I've never said he's real in the same way I'd never tell the kids that they weren't Spider-Man. When they were young we spoke about him as if he were real but I also did the same about Batman iyswim

My kids were not traumatized and I think it helps that we were low key about the whole FC thing. We didn't do elf on the shelf (they are too old for it to be a craze) or magic footprints and I told the kids from the beginning that the FC in shopping centres etc were actors but not to say anything just in case little kids didn't know. They enjoy FC in films and adverts and were more than happy to switch to "giving mode" once they had clarification from me about the truth.

I think the biggest problem with being honest from the start is that you are going to have to ask your dd not to tell other kids and some don't know until they are old as 11 so it's a long time to lie to her peers.

WingingItSince1973 · 04/12/2020 14:35

Sorry I have to defend Jehovahs Witnesses here (being one myself). The idea that our children miss out on gifts and fun is totally wrong. My children have always had gifts just not on Xmas etc. We have plenty of parties throughout the year and plenty of family gatherings and gift giving. We love giving gifts and often its hard to buy for our kids or family and friends as we are very generous and our children have quite alot! My middle dd has a small son and they do celebrate Xmas. My dgs is so excited about father Xmas and presents etc. I don't say anything to him. Thats between my dd and him. He knows we don't celebrate it and is quite happy to have presents from us through the year. We have so many dinosaurs and paw patrol toys etc at our house it would be hard to know what to get him. I see him everyday so its like jurassic park at mine. We also love adventures and holidays and guess what we watch TV and drink alcohol too!!! Sorry don't want to derail the thread. Parents do what you feel is best for your children. My girls didn't ruin anyones Xmas at school. Nearly every year we booked them out the last week of school and had a fab week at Center Parcs. Kids can have a fabulous happy life whatever walk of life they come from xxx

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 04/12/2020 14:37

Christmas is no less magical just because you're not fed wholesale the Santa story as truth.

What's magical about it? As in actual magic?

TicTacTwo · 04/12/2020 14:37

I see FC as a rite of childhood like putting a tooth under their pillow.

jessstan1 · 04/12/2020 14:38

@TicTacTwo

I see FC as a rite of childhood like putting a tooth under their pillow.
Maybe but you don't have to say the guy or the tooth fairy are real.
jessstan1 · 04/12/2020 14:41

@ChristmasArmadillo

We’ve never “done” Santa at all and my children have always known it’s not real. They’re fine. Xmas Smile
So was mine.

So was I (though my parents did try to convince me of the reality of Santa, I just didn't believe them).

unchienandalusia · 04/12/2020 14:43

My god your poor child!

jessstan1 · 04/12/2020 14:48

@unchienandalusia

My god your poor child!
To whom was that addressed, unchienandalusia?
Euridicefortuna · 04/12/2020 14:51

Don't worry,I didn't grow up believing in Father Christmas but I was made aware of St.Nicholas and krampus. No It didn't harm me and no I did not make it known to any of my friends and wreck their childhoods.My parents worked hard for my presents and I appreciated that.My parents made sure I knew why we were celebrating Christmas,Jesus's birthday!

Clockstop · 04/12/2020 14:55

You'll get a moment when it all comes down regardless. Ours wasn't Santa it was frozen. I absent mindedly said it was a cartoon and not real to my 4 year old, she hadn't really processed that Elsa and Anna don't look real. I could see her heart shatter in front of me Sad so we do Santa etc because that innocence can be lost anytime anywhere and it's worth holding onto while you can

christmaslight · 04/12/2020 14:55

I absolutely love Father Christmas.
Dd is now 7 and it's still going strong, we also took her to lapland giving it the ultimate boost. I doubt very much the happiness she experienced in lapland could ever be outweighed by the actual hard cold truth.

My mum told my older sister and regretted so me and younger siblings had Father Christmas visits. All that happened to us is eventually word gets round he's not real and you play along for as long as your parents will get you the extras Grin

Alexafrost · 04/12/2020 14:59

"My parents made sure I knew why we were celebrating Christmas,Jesus's birthday!"

Only if you're Christian.

nicknamehelp · 04/12/2020 15:02

you mean he's not real? but where do all the presents come from which magically appear under the tree? Next you will say the tooth fairy doesn't exist. my older dc trust me even though I so obviously lied to them about such things but they do have great magical memories of putting out a carrot,visiting Santa and waking up to a pile of presents which magically appeared. They have always appreciated the value of presents etc. Stop over thinking and enjoy these magical years.

TheKeatingFive · 04/12/2020 15:04

My parents made sure I knew why we were celebrating Christmas,Jesus's birthday

Our Christmas celebrations long predate the birth of Jesus. I’m surprised at how little this is acknowledged.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 04/12/2020 15:04

And we remember the death of St. Nikolaus of Myra on the 6th, which used to be the traditional day of gift giving in my region until the reformation.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/12/2020 15:06

We never lied to our children. They always knew he did not exist anymore. We instead told them to story of St Nicholas who did exist and said the gifts were a tradition started by him.

Lostinacloud · 04/12/2020 15:09

Every year there are threads like this and I always wonder why the OP’s get so fixated on the lying part. I never once considered that my parents lied to me about the existence of Father Christmas. When I reached a natural age to work it out for myself and as I got older and understood more about the role of a parent I considered myself very lucky that I had parents prepared to create an entire world of magic and mystery every December, times which I have only the fondest and greatest memories of. I have tried to recreate the same for my own DC because it also enhances my own Christmas to see their excitement and happiness. At no point do I perceive retaining some harmless childhood fun for a few short years as deceitful or damaging.