Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have judged? Awh feckit. Yes I judged, I VERY judged.

317 replies

Farkinell · 03/12/2020 21:52

Was in slow moving traffic today.

Big fuck off black BMW (suv/mpv/hpv??? who the eff knows) was coming towards me on other side of road.

Saw what I thought was a TV monitor in front passenger seat angled forwards.

Strange, I thought. Surely a passenger would be holding it and it would be facing backwards??

But LO! It was angled towards the passenger. Confused

A teeny baby in the carry part of travel system, backwards facing.

A tablet set up, plating a cartoon for a young baby to watch in the car.

Just

Goodness

Gracious.

Let's get them Oblong Addicted early, yeah?

OP posts:
turnthebiglightoff · 04/12/2020 09:36

Ha you would've 100% judged me when my ds was tiny! Couldn't give a feck though tbh. With family dotted around the UK, a screaming baby in a car is much worse than a little car time.

supersonicginandtonic · 04/12/2020 09:37

I once had a hurrendous journey with my kids. Baby screaming as she hates the car, 13 year old crying due to a headache, and 11 year old ASD having a meltdown due to the noise. I was trying to drive through this. Better to use a screen to keep the baby entertained than all of us end up dead through an accident because I was so distracted.

MrsToothyBitch · 04/12/2020 09:39

Props to you for coming back OP.

I am dyspraxic and a nervous driver to boot. I would absolutely have to do this if I had a car hater; to keep them calm, me calm and everyone around us safe. I'm not spatially aware or coordinated enough to safely try some of the alternatives suggested. I don't drive a manual because I can't even change gear without a good long look at the gear stick.

I would rather be judged a bit for using a screen and have a happy, safe baby than be judged a lot for inattention, dangerous driving and possibly killing my baby and others.

ancientgran · 04/12/2020 09:55

I'm actually reading all of your stories of DC who travel badly with awe I've got 4, 3 of them fine in the car but the one who turned out to have bad travel sickness was a total nightmare. The thing that made it so awful was that she was clearly so distressed, not just temper or boredom so I felt so sorry for her but if I had to pick her brother up or something I had to take her.

As she got older car journeys were always difficult, learning to drive was her salvation but it was a 17 year slog to get there.

SurreyHillsGirl · 04/12/2020 09:59

@Meepmeeep

Judgey or jealous of the big fuck off BMW?
Absolutely this. OP, be honest, you wouldn't have given it another thought had the baby been a passenger in a Ford Focus.

These jealousy driven posts, of which there are many, are v tedious Hmm

Simplyunacceptable · 04/12/2020 09:59

Some babies absolutely hate car journeys and some car journeys just can’t be avoided. I imagine it was a moment of desperation by an exasperated parent.

I really don’t judge anymore, I have five DC and I’ve done some things I’m definitely not proud of over the years. We all do things we probably shouldn’t when we’re stressed and exhausted. None of us are perfect.

FoxyTheFox · 04/12/2020 10:00

I judge people that use iPads / phones in restaurants and can’t have normal conversations with their kids

Two of my children are not neurotypical, iPads in a restaurant are essential to help them relax when they start heading into being overwhelmed. Unless you'd prefer them shouting, getting up for a wander, or even screaming?

BrummyMum1 · 04/12/2020 10:05

First child I had the same opinion as you OP. Second child I realised that actually I can concentrate and drive safely when I don’t have my baby screaming in my ear in stereo volume. Needs must.

And all babies travel differently. Some fucking hate the car and scream constantly like they’re being murdered (like mine). No toy or other distraction like music works (trust me I’ve tried everything). Other babies and children just sit there and stare out of the window I’ve heard. So you really can’t judge others unless you’ve had a child that really really really hates the car.

SpanielSprint · 04/12/2020 10:22

I judge people that use iPads / phones in restaurants and can’t have normal conversations with their kids, so no I would have judged too!

Firstly, you realise these are very different scenarios to the one in the OP?
Secondly, I try to keep an open mind when I see this sort of thing. You never know what’s going on - maybe the children have SEN, parents have no access to childcare and this is the only way the family can enjoy a rare meal out. If it isn’t actually affecting you, why even give it a second thought?

Lottieeshborn · 04/12/2020 12:35

Jesus how judgemental and horrible. I have a 9 year old and a 12 month old. My 12 month old was very poorly when he was born and was in NICU etc. He absolutely hated the car, he hated any time he wasn't in my arms, tbh, hes still like that. Hes a very clingy baby and can get very upset in the car to the point he starts coughing and wrenching from crying. I'm on chemo and struggle with severe nausea and pain etc some days and the only way to settle him in the car, on the way to say my hospital appointments, was to put the ipad in and put on a sensory crap thing with soft music. Its the only thing that would help and I'll be damned if someone tells me I was wrong for trying to settle him! The baby was safe in a rear facing car seat, whats your issue!!
Also, when I was in hospital and things, Theodore (baby) would get extremely upset being away from me, my partner would take him over to his mums for a bit of help, which is about 40 mins away. The only way to settle him again was the ipad with bright colours on, and he would have to place him in the front seat (which you can do as long as you can turn the passenger air bags off BTW!!!), in his car seat rear facing, otherwise he would scream and scream. This way it meant he could touch his hand or face (if safe) to sooth him a bit.

God some people are so judgemental! Unless you've been in the exact same position,and I mean EXACT, you have no right to judge someone. I'm sure there's plenty things you do that can be judged harshly!!
Seems you have a bee in your bonnet about the fact they were in a BMW.
Get a life, there's far bigger things to worry about other than how someone sooths their child!

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 04/12/2020 12:40

I wish we could see a snapshot of that baby 30 yes from now. I suspect we will discover that they are perfectly well functioning and successful. Despite the screen in the car.

ClinkeyMonkey · 04/12/2020 12:42

Fair play to you, OP, for coming back and acknowledging that you don't always know the whole story. I think we've all judged others from time to time.

Macncheeseballs · 04/12/2020 12:46

Kids in pushchairs with screens is sad too

netstaller · 04/12/2020 12:47

What's it to you? Wind your neck in OP nothing to do with you

AfterSchoolWorry · 04/12/2020 12:50

I really want something like that for my eight year old. She doesn't stop talking in the car, drives me bonkers!

Macncheeseballs · 04/12/2020 12:59

Netstaller, if everyone 'winded their neck in' on here, surely mumsnet would cease to exist

Nackajory · 04/12/2020 13:02

I'm with you OP, some of the answers on here have left me Hmm

BoyTree · 04/12/2020 13:18

I agree with you OP. It's clear though that the next generation considers screens to be an appropriate tool to keeping their child pacified. Very sad. All these reasons being given can also be given for why it's ok to have screens in their buggies, restaurants etc.

At some time in the future we're going to see the high cost of this sort of benign neglect and lack of effort to make human interaction in our parenting.

When was this golden age of parenting where parents were constantly interacting with their children on car rides, in restaurants and while pushing the buggy to the supermarket?

I am of the age that I presume you are talking about - my kids are youngish - and I don't remember there being a particular trend for constant interaction with children when I was young.

I don't think rear-facing buggies even existed, car seats were optional and my dad preferred quiet to concentrate while he was driving plus I was often in the boot if we were giving someone a lift. I spent a lot of time in my room.

This seems to be a pretty universal experience among my peers and even my mum is slightly abashed at some of the things that were considered perfectly fine when I was little that parents would be hauled over the coals for now.

I think there is a tendency for people to believe that the way they did things was better simply because it was their choice at the time. I'm not sure the current generation of parents is doing a demonstrably better or worse job of raising their children than the previous ones. I would hazard a guess that parents today spend a lot more time researching and seeking advice and information about parenting and child development than previous ones, not least because it's so much easier now to connect with experts and others who have experience of the things they are going through.

I do think that the risks to today's parents come more through constant scrutiny and judgement. Parents who are struggling worrying that they are going to be the subject of a social media thread, or be 'called out' online for parenting in the way that works best for them. Feeling that your every move is up for comment and that you may have to justify your parenting decisions to unqualified strangers who have already decided that you're not doing a good enough job for their liking is probably a more damaging way to raise children than letting them watch a screen sometimes.

AlwaysBehindTheCurve · 04/12/2020 13:21

When was this golden age of parenting where parents were constantly interacting with their children on car rides, in restaurants and while pushing the buggy to the supermarket?

Exactly! I’m late 30’s so was a child pre technology. My parents wouldn’t have interacted with me when I was in the car as a baby as I was in a carrycot on the back seat!

Liverbird77 · 04/12/2020 13:24

Whatever it takes to get through the day in my opinion.

stressfullday · 04/12/2020 13:35

Yabu to judge the parent of the baby

Allhallowseve · 04/12/2020 13:37

My 9 month old screams and screams after 30 seconds in the car. Has done since a couple of months old . He is a lockdown baby .We can't go anywhere it is torture. I also have a 3 and 6 year old and I hate going more than 5 mins down the road . I would love it if a screen kept my baby from screaming and hyperventilating and stressing anyone else in the car out beyond belief!

stressfullday · 04/12/2020 13:37

@Farkinell

Oh come ON!

It's WAY too young to use a screen.

To reiterate, it was slow moving traffic. It was a quick glance. Didn't actually see the baby, just the container.m, so I guess it was quite young.

People coped on car journeys before the Screen obsession started.

Baby was in front seat, so could have seen parent's face, chatting, singing etc would be a FINE replacement.

And no not jealous, BMW so not my style. Wink

So you didn't actually see the baby ? HmmBiscuit
HijabiVenus · 04/12/2020 13:42

Interesting reading the comments and considering things about "being judgement". Don't be judgemental on the prostiture, she could be an addict, or a single mother who cannot get work, don't judge the homeless refugee he has probably fled from a war, don't judge the single mother with a number of children and an alcohol habit, BUT fat person in an England t shirt - bet he voted brexit, Donald Trump - oooh Tarqin! Boris Johnston - well really.

nitreatoalasg · 04/12/2020 13:50

When I was young and my family went to restaurants we usually got given a kid's pack with crayons, pictures to colour in, puzzles, etc. which we'd do during the meal. Then if we were lucky, there'd be some playground equipment to go play on after the food. So we had no screens, but I certainly wasn't sat at the table having deep and stimulating conversation with my parents when I was six.

And guess what? I grew up just fine. I'm perfectly healthy and capable of holding a conversation and socialising well with others. Who'd have thought?

Swipe left for the next trending thread