To feel I can't cope with dsd coming to live with us. Beware - epic post attached!

[screamsprout]

Dsd will be 20 next month. She had a gap year which wan't an enormous success (did about 6 weeks work in the UK and 5 months travelling in SE Asia). She has just started university but it is not going well. She isn't going to lectures or studying and isn't settling into the social side of things either. She has already fallen behind and this week her cousin is going down to see her (she is over from Oz) so that will be another week where she doesn't work/catch up. This isn't sustainable and dh thinks she is likely to drop out before xmas.

She has fallen out with her mum and refuses to live there any more (the feeling is mutual, so this isn't going to change). About 4 years ago she did the same with dh and while their relationship is good, she has not stayed with us for quite a while now. In the mean time we have had ds who now has her old room. This has been fine with her until now.

She is going to need to come and stay with us during uni holidays but, it's also extremely likely she will need to come and live with us longer term if/when she drops out (which will happen the way things are going).

I am 25 weeks pregnant and ds is 3 (this week). Given that we currently live in a 2 bedroom flat, we now have to either a) move house asap or b) try to accommodate her here.

Despite the madness of embarking on a house move at 6m pregnant, we have put our flat on the market and I have spent many hours surfing/travelling to view houses/looking at finances etc. It would seem that it isn't going to be possible as we can't find anywhere big enough without moving much further away than I want to at the current time. We would have to leave the area and for my sake and ds's this is not a good time to do it.

So, in that case, she will need to live here. She is not easy to live with. Dh will be the first to say she has no regard for others. It's easy to say that she should take some responsibility, but the reality is that she doesn't. Dh will be at work 5 days a week and I will be at home with a toddler, a new born and a 20 year old in the middle of a life crisis that she won't be doing much about.

After a lot of soul searching I am at the stage where I really don't think I can take all of this on. A lot of people say "oh, we all manage" but I have a history of not quite managing and I am concerned about my welfare and that of my dcs. Dh thinks I am being selfish and unreasonable and that I am asking him to reject his daughter. I am not but we can't find a middle ground. At the moment, I can't see a way forward and am at my wits end.

Everyone in RL is telling me I can't take this on but dh is adamant I should.

Any advice would be welcome (and thank you for even reading this far!)

Does the £500 a month go straight to the dd or does it go to her mum?

I agree with Portonovo. But I also think it is very early days for her with her course, she's only been there a few weeks and for some people it can be difficult to settle in at first.

For the moment maybe your DH could do what he can to help her make a go of University. There will be some emotional support available at the Student Union and if she thinks she might be better off on another course she'll be able to discuss this as well.

Thank you all so, so much for the brilliant support and advice. It's been a busy couple of days here. Short version is that dh went out with dsd last night and they had a long talk.

This morning dh said that he has explained to dsd that we are not able to move at the moment and that there isn't the room for her to live here on a long term basis. However, we will, of course, support her in any way we can and she is welcome to come and stay (for a few days) whenever she likes.

She understands all of this and is ok with it. She stayed last night and we all had another talk this morning about how she was getting on with her course and strategies for managing college life etc. She happens to be at college v close to where my parents live and we have said from the off that I/we will go and see her whenever we are down there.

Dh has apologised to me and said that I was right and that he understands that I was simply pregnant, overwhelmed etc and do what I can to support dsd.

Given where we were yesterday, this is amazing progress and I feel so, so relieved. I can now look forward and know where I will have my baby, that ds can stay at his nursery, that we can manage financially, won't have the stress of moving (just yet, we will turn back to it next year) etc.

Thank you again for all the advice, a lot of which will be very useful in the next few months.

oh, thank f8ck for that.

Did you get that apology in writing ?

No, but I will get it in blood

Btw, if you want a screaming row in a car, nothing can beat driving on the North Circular at the time (classy)

Screaming row on N Circ, ewww. Good news, glad he's seen the error of his ways

Sounds like you've got a good man there, fierce and protective over his offspring yet able to see reason!

Sounds like a really good outcome. Both DH and DSD sound like they are being quite grown up really! Good luck for next few months - and try to relax!

Have read some of the posts

can she move into residence? May help with her settling in, and remove some temptations to not study.

The uni should have tons of learning support people, she should go asap!!!!Its only first term. It would be such a huge mistake to just drop out.

It is a huge adjustment, but there is alot of help - maybe she's just finding her feet -it can be a bit scary

good luck

Aargh, the north Circular Road - the thought of it still gives me nightmare even though it's been 18 years since I travelled on it!
Anyway, Screamsprout, I'm so happy things seem to be sorted out!

Well done the three of you - glad everything is settled

Sorry to dig this thread up but dsd called last night to say that she wants to drop out. Dh is convinced that she is depressed and as such, we can't do anything other than accommodate her here. I really don't know how long for.

Unfortunately, I am not so convinced about her depression. This seems to happen when she is faced with something that she doesn't want to do like exams, adjusting to uni, having to work for a few months on her gap year (all of these things have gone really badly) but she is much better when she wants to go travelling or take a few weeks/months off and hang out with her friends.

I am still pregnant, ds is 3 and is not getting any easier to deal with not to mention the fact that we still have a 2 bedroom flat which we can't really fit 5 people in.

I really can't see what our options are other than taking her in and living under a lot of stress and strain. She is not a particularly helpful yp and wants to come and go at the hours that suit her etc etc.

Any advice appreciated please, I really feel in a corner here and it's taking all my energy not to panic!!

Hey Bean,

You poor love! You really don't need this kind of pressure at the mo do you? When I was pg, selling the bl**dy car had me at my wits end so I can only imagine how this must be affecting you.

I really don't have much advice I'm sorry, I'd be tempted to point out to your dh that she is TWENTY years old. It may seem cruel to tell her no, but she is an adult now and she shoud be more than capable of looking after herself. You wouldn't be doing so out of spite, it would be because you simply cannot help her at the moment without it affecting you, your dh, your son and new baby.

The very fact that you've been looking to move house says you are willing to help where you can.

How's the pg going? Due soonish?

BIG WELSH HUGS FROM ME! xxxxx

I feel for you. The bottom line is that its not going to work out, there will be too many generations/different ages to accommodate under one roof, let alone the physical over-crowding aspect.

My big question is : why would the 20 year old herself actually want to live in those circumstances?

My position would be that she is an adult and whilst you will support her emotionally as her sm, you will not physically take on the role of her mother ie. you will not house her, cook, clean or anything else for her.

Money? That's between her bioligical mother and father to sort out.

Sounds like a very difficult situation you are in. Do you know why she wants to drop out? Is she finding studying hard or has she not fitted in and found her feet? Is she doing the wrong course? Has she spoken to her tutors etc? Sorry not read ALL of thread.
The best I can think to suggest is that you and DH talk it through before she comes home. You need to make it clear that she is welcome (to him as well as her) BUT that it is not a come and doss here and have fun with your friends while we finance you situation.
She is old enough to take responsibility for her future so pass on to her the decisions. If she is dropping out what is she intending to do, where is she intending to live etc? It will be clear to her too that there is no room long term at yours so no need to spell this out I think. Can you both speak to her as an adult sort of assuming (even if you know it won't be the case) that she will have thought through the consequences of dropping out and have some plans in place, that she will have talked to people at uni already etc.
If she does come to you then make it clear from the off what her responsibilities are - helping you most importantly - perhaps she can pick your 3 yo up from pre-school and care for him while you rest etc? Also be clear together what the consequences are for her if she doesn't pull her weight so you can prevent her just coming and going at all hours.
Best of luck with her.

looks like you are stuck with it for the short term, you poor thing. However, I would make a deal with your husband that if she does come to live with you, she lives by your rules. Also if she is living with you, the money your DH gives her should be dramatically reduced as you will be providing her bed (or sofa) and board. She needs to know that she will not be living in a hotel.

That does sound a hard situation. I think you need to sit down with your DH and literally write down the house rules. Clearly the situation could be a nightmare and I think it's only fair on all concerned that the rules are spelled out clearly from the word go.

Your Dh should not accept ANY more work being made for you; you are pregnant and raising a toddler! Your DSD is old enough to be a HELP rather than any work for you.

It does sound like a car crash waiting to happen TBH. Is there no way that your DH and her mother could support her in a flat; she could apply for benefits? Sorry if you've explained this previously, haven't read all posts!

I do strongly feel though that even at 20 she is entitled to her dad 'taking her in' if she needs it. What a sad situation if she felt he wouldn't do that. I needed my parents still, at 20! However, if she accepts the help she does need to accept the responsibilities the situation places on her; to help, to not make work for you, to not disturb the household by noisily coming in at 2am etc!

I also wanted to say that she is not too old for her dad to try to help the Uni situation. Before any child of mine dropped out I would want to know why; and to have a meeting with the Uni. There are options, she can change courses, or she can defer a year. Most uni's will hold a place open for a year.

Honoria made a good point actually, about her still needing her parents at only 20. Sometimes it's easy to forget what it's like to be 20, but we can't forget the fact that you're not sure she will be a great help or very considerate of the fact that there will be 5 of you, including a newborn in a 2 bed flat.

What about explaining it this way to dh, if your dsd can make a contribution to the household, be that through help with ds, the baby, doing the shopping, taking on the ironing and washing for you etc, then she is welcome. If she starts to detract from the household too much then she's out.

Keep us informed. x

Thanks everyone for some really sound advice.

She is dropping out as uni is just not working for her. She is not a natural born academic (fair enough) and has been freaked out by the demands of the course. She has chosen a course with a huge amount of reading which just isn't something she likes doing (she read one book during her gap year). Her tutor has already suggested a year out but she has had one already and no-one is convinced this is the answer. She is also not really making friends, and is spending a lot of time isolating in her room and then feeling that other people are judging her. A vicious circle...

She has gone to the counselling service on campus but said that it didn't help. We have been trying to support her since day one but are also at the point where we feel that all options have been exhausted.

Her mum lives quite near us (in a 3 bedroom flat!!) but she refuses to live with her mum as their relationship is really not good.

Thank you for your support. One of the hardest aspects of this is feeling that I have very little say in a situation that is going to have an enormous impact on me (and my children). I'm sure I will be posting again in the weeks to come!!

I am not sure offering her the security of a fall-back option is giving her the incentive she needs to stick things out at University. She needs some quality advice. Someone should point out to her in no uncertain terms that she has had her gap year and if she drops out/gets asked to leave, she will have to get a job and somewhere to live. Show you are serious by cutting a few jobs out of HER local paper and make enquiries about bedsits and give her a few letting agents lists etc. She will thank you for it in the end.

She sounds depressed which is very sad and in those circumstances you should be able to count on your family no matter how old you are. My previous "tough love" answer would not really be appropriate if she is depressed.

Your dsd is an adult and although its great you want to support her you have yourself and you own children to put first, take care of yourself or all of them will supper dh included

Sorry it's all kicked off again, you must be so frustrated. Is there no way she can try and mend bridges with her mum? What does her mum think of the situation, I would imagine her mum might be hurt that her daughter doesn't want to live with her, unless she found her dd's behaviour too much to cope with? I definitely think your Dh needs to talk to his ex and try and get her on-side to help get your dsd back on track. I guess it depends on how civilised a relationship your dh and his ex have. Ultimately this young woman is their daughter, and they both have a responsibility to help her sort out what she wants to do with her life. I could be wrong but it seems to me you are the only one who is actually trying to do something to help her!
Practical suggestions - ehat about some kind of vocational course?

It is possible, too, that she is genuinely depressed. Or it could be that Uni is depressing for her; which is almost as bad while she is still there. She does sound isolated, which is either a) because she is depressed or b) is pretty depressing!

Not sure I'm making myself clear, I mean either she could be really, clinically depressed, or if not that she could be being depressed by her situation.

I think a little time to wind down would be good, not long, just time for her to get out of the uni thing. I know when I finished Uni, i had this most weird, utter JOY in life, the world seemed a different place, more colourful; it made me realise just HOW depressing Uni had been for me.

So, a bit of kindness and consideration with no demands for a SHORT time, would be great. I mean no demands as in 'go and get a job NOW'; the demands of being a good housemate will be of course there all the time.

Good luck. I hope it's ok!