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Original poster

To feel I can't cope with dsd coming to live with us. Beware - epic post attached!

153 replies

screamsprout · 20/10/2007 20:22

Dsd will be 20 next month. She had a gap year which wan't an enormous success (did about 6 weeks work in the UK and 5 months travelling in SE Asia). She has just started university but it is not going well. She isn't going to lectures or studying and isn't settling into the social side of things either. She has already fallen behind and this week her cousin is going down to see her (she is over from Oz) so that will be another week where she doesn't work/catch up. This isn't sustainable and dh thinks she is likely to drop out before xmas.

She has fallen out with her mum and refuses to live there any more (the feeling is mutual, so this isn't going to change). About 4 years ago she did the same with dh and while their relationship is good, she has not stayed with us for quite a while now. In the mean time we have had ds who now has her old room. This has been fine with her until now.

She is going to need to come and stay with us during uni holidays but, it's also extremely likely she will need to come and live with us longer term if/when she drops out (which will happen the way things are going).

I am 25 weeks pregnant and ds is 3 (this week). Given that we currently live in a 2 bedroom flat, we now have to either a) move house asap or b) try to accommodate her here.

Despite the madness of embarking on a house move at 6m pregnant, we have put our flat on the market and I have spent many hours surfing/travelling to view houses/looking at finances etc. It would seem that it isn't going to be possible as we can't find anywhere big enough without moving much further away than I want to at the current time. We would have to leave the area and for my sake and ds's this is not a good time to do it.

So, in that case, she will need to live here. She is not easy to live with. Dh will be the first to say she has no regard for others. It's easy to say that she should take some responsibility, but the reality is that she doesn't. Dh will be at work 5 days a week and I will be at home with a toddler, a new born and a 20 year old in the middle of a life crisis that she won't be doing much about.

After a lot of soul searching I am at the stage where I really don't think I can take all of this on. A lot of people say "oh, we all manage" but I have a history of not quite managing and I am concerned about my welfare and that of my dcs. Dh thinks I am being selfish and unreasonable and that I am asking him to reject his daughter. I am not but we can't find a middle ground. At the moment, I can't see a way forward and am at my wits end.

Everyone in RL is telling me I can't take this on but dh is adamant I should.

Any advice would be welcome (and thank you for even reading this far!)

OP posts:
fizzbuzz · 21/10/2007 11:42

£500 is just so much money, I can't get over it.......

Is this why you are living in a little flat or is your dh loaded?

£500........

fizzbuzz · 21/10/2007 11:43

£125 per week.........is it just me who thinks this is a huge amount?

motherinferior · 21/10/2007 11:45

I've been thinking about this, and am increasingly worried about the long-term implications. If she drops out, and you're the safety net, I'll bet the farm that the net stays there for a good long while.

I'm trying to think of ways to get your DH to confront this issue (rather than confronting you).

Am liking the bunk bed idea a lot.

nappyaddict · 21/10/2007 11:51

is a 20 year old going to be happy sharing with a 3 year old?

MadamePlatypus · 21/10/2007 12:02

Where do you live? £500 a month near me would cover/almost cover the cost of a room in a flat share and I live in a quite expensive part of the UK. Would it be possible for your DH/your SD to find a flat share near you? Maybe you have suggested this to your DH already. Anyway, I think the main point is that your DH doesn't really seem to have a practical idea of how this is going to work out. He may feel that he wants to be able support his daughter, (and even at 20, I don't think this is unreasonable). However, just hoping that his house will magically expand like the tardis isn't really going about it in the right way.

kimibobbingforapples · 21/10/2007 12:03

She is not a child she is a grown woman and she needs to stand on her own two feet.
Time for a spot of tough love me thinks.

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest, your DH is, your health and the well being of his son and impending new arrival should take precedent over a 20 year old who wont grow up.

Point out to your DH that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

WideWebWitch · 21/10/2007 12:04

I think the £500 is a red herring, it all depends on the amount coming in, what that's for etc etc. FWIW, I get more than that a month in maintenance for one child but as with all these things, it's all relative, it's not a huge amt from ex dh's net pay and I gave up years of my career to be a sahm so it's a drop in the ocean compared to my loss of earnings over those years tbh. And compared to our monthly outgoings!

How are you today Beansprout?

Fireflyfairy2 · 21/10/2007 12:05

I was married at 20!

Working from I was 16 & I had no choice.

If I were you I would just say no! Hard to do I know, but for your own sanity you have to say no!!

Kerrymum, I do think we have to be responsible for our children as long as we can be, but certainly we have no responsibility for them until we die! My goodness, my mam's oldest child is 44, married for 20 years & a father of 3... do you propose she should still feel some responsibility for him????

Fireflyfairy2 · 21/10/2007 12:09

I though child maintainance stopped when the child reached 18? Or has that all changed now?

£500 is material really, depending on where they live. It is a lot here, I mean my sister had a child 12 years ago & every week since she has got a grand total of £10, so £40 a month... wouldn't even buy her dd's school dinner every day.... but maybe where BS lives the cost of living is very high & £500 wouldn't cover much, or perhaps her dh is a high earner.

Either way, you need to let your dh see that for as long as he keeps mollycoddling her, she will keep sponging.

Her mother obviously has her reasons for not wanting her home, so you will be under no pressure from her to house SD. Does she care where she lives?

themoon66 · 21/10/2007 12:12

My DD is at uni. She lives in a shared house and pays £65 a week. We give her an allowance of £80 a month (£20 a week). This is for her course materials.

She covers her own rent, food, socialising etc by working at Ladbrookes part time (Sundays pay her £11 an hour). She also gets a full student loan.

Does your DSD work at all? And what is she doing with her student loan if she still needs to tap your DH for £500 a month?

MadamePlatypus · 21/10/2007 12:20

I think there is a difference between supporting a family member in a difficult situation, which presumably we would all do however old we or they were, and expecting them to pull their weight.

MadamePlatypus · 21/10/2007 12:21

£500 might just about cover rent where I live. Lots of students live at home.

sar123 · 21/10/2007 12:42

I haven't read all the posts but to respond to the OP, I'm really sad at the negative tone you use to describe your dsd. This is a young girl whose family life has clearly been through some traumatic times. After all, her parents have clearly separated and at least one of them, your dh, has a new family. I've been in your dsd's shoes and it's not a pleasant place to be. Parents with new partner and half-siblings usurping you in their affections (that's how it feels to a 20 year old) and a feeling that you have nowhere to really call home. Maybe she picks up your negative attitude and feels unwanted by you too. Put yourself in her shoes and have some sympathy. 20 is still young, she is still her father's daughter, she still needs to feel loved and wanted by her parents. I'm not saying that she should have everything handed to her on a plate, nor that you and your dc's aren't important, just that as a step-parent you need to tread really carefully. When my stepmother tried to helpfully suggest I do certain things when I was 20 (and a university student, staying at dad's in holidays) I instantly resented her interference - I despised and detested her. Your dh needs to deal with this and you need to support him and understand where she's coming from.

fizzbuzz · 21/10/2007 12:45

Sorry, but I agree with Moon. She needs to get some sort of job, rather than relying on £500 payout. I'm not saying give her nothing, but £500 when the OP is living in a tiny 2 bedroomed flat is ridiculous.

Fireflyfairy2 · 21/10/2007 14:18

Sar123 maybe you should read the rest of the posts too before you make your judgement.

FranSanDisco · 21/10/2007 14:43

Everythings too easy for her. She's an adult. She doesn't have to make up with ther mum because her dad will step in. She doesn't have to make a go of college because her dad will step in. She doesn't have to get a job because her dad will step in. If her mum and dad were still together she'd have a different set of options. I understand that her dad wants to help but he has other children and you to consider as well. If she drops out of uni she needs to know the holiday is well and truly over and her allowances should be stopped apart from paying fares to work until she gets a few months salary behind her.

Bouncingturtleskulls · 21/10/2007 14:47

Sar - her own mother has rejected this young woman. The OP is not rejecting her just trying to find a way to help her under difficult circumstances. You really should have read all the posts first before jumping in feet first.
Sorry you had a tough time with your step parent but please don't paint all stepparents with the same brush.

sar123 · 21/10/2007 15:47

bouncingturtleskulls i think the tone of the original OP is very negative about her dsd, and how is posting about not wanting her dsd coming to live with her not about rejection of her? I admit i may sound bitter and twisted by my experiences but it wasn't that bad to be honest! I just wanted the OP to think about how her dsd might feel and where her behaviour might be coming from. I'm not painting all step parents in the same light at all. Apologies if it came across that way. I have lovely step parents!

PintaBlood · 21/10/2007 15:58

She's not rejecting her.. she has no fkn room for her!!!!!!

There are 2 rooms and 5 people... you do the math!

Earlybird · 21/10/2007 16:01

Maybe you've done this already, but I'd invite dsd to stay for a few days ASAP - preferably over the weekend when your dh is around. Have her sleep on the sofa in the lounge. Seems to me that would show all concerned that it really isn't a workable situation for more than a few days.

CarGirl · 21/10/2007 16:06

Earlybird - they did this recently and the dsd complained that she got woken up at 8am so her db could have his breakfast.....they had previously explained their routine and late nights not being an option because of the early mornings......

Earlybird · 21/10/2007 16:09

Invite her again and go about the family routine as normal. Will show dsd again how unworkable it would be for her to live there. Maybe then she will get motivated to stay in school as the alternative of moving in with her father and his family isn't desirable. That way, the OP isn't the villain....

theUrbanDevil · 21/10/2007 16:29

i think the bunk beds idea is a great one! the only thing is, would your dsd wake up your ds when she dragged herself in at 2am??

portonovo · 21/10/2007 16:33

I think the £500 a month the step-daughter is getting is hugely important to working things out. Say she does drop out of uni - how about using that £500 to help her set up independently. It could be a very temporary safety net, to fund some of the deposit and first few months' rent. Make it clear it's temporary, that she then has to find a job and support herself. Give a cut-off date if necessary - e.g. we'll continue to give you the money for 3, 6 or even 12 months, then you're on your own. At 20, or she might even be 21 by then, I don't think that's unreasonable.

Or, if the girl really needs or wants to be with her Dad and the rest of the family and get emotional support as well as somewhere to live, use that £500 a month to finance a larger flat or house. She then gets somewhere to live, but has to get a job to finance the rest of her living and leisure expenses. That way you could presumably offer her a bedroom of her own which could minimise the disruption to everyone else. But she would have to pull her weight in terms of fitting in with the household and helping out, and being generally considerate.

She can't have it all ways. She can have practical and emotional support, but not if everyone else suffers. Using that £500 a month seems the obvious solution. Presumably, you weren't going to fund that for ever anyway - perhaps to the end of her studies? If that's the case, if/when she drops out of university, the deal no longer applies. Perhaps if the conversation about leaving university crops up again, her Dad needs to point out the possible scenarios just so she knows what her options are and how things would work in real life. It sounds like he needs to consider the realities too...

WorkingClassScum · 21/10/2007 17:02

I think moving to a different place if it stretches your finances wouldn't be wise as it's possible she might be up and off doing her own thing after 6 months or less. You just don't know.

As you contribute so much to her already I would say use that to help her rent a place, maybe somewhere close so she still has her dad for support, she can live in a shared house or something.