To feel I can't cope with dsd coming to live with us. Beware - epic post attached!

[screamsprout]

Dsd will be 20 next month. She had a gap year which wan't an enormous success (did about 6 weeks work in the UK and 5 months travelling in SE Asia). She has just started university but it is not going well. She isn't going to lectures or studying and isn't settling into the social side of things either. She has already fallen behind and this week her cousin is going down to see her (she is over from Oz) so that will be another week where she doesn't work/catch up. This isn't sustainable and dh thinks she is likely to drop out before xmas.

She has fallen out with her mum and refuses to live there any more (the feeling is mutual, so this isn't going to change). About 4 years ago she did the same with dh and while their relationship is good, she has not stayed with us for quite a while now. In the mean time we have had ds who now has her old room. This has been fine with her until now.

She is going to need to come and stay with us during uni holidays but, it's also extremely likely she will need to come and live with us longer term if/when she drops out (which will happen the way things are going).

I am 25 weeks pregnant and ds is 3 (this week). Given that we currently live in a 2 bedroom flat, we now have to either a) move house asap or b) try to accommodate her here.

Despite the madness of embarking on a house move at 6m pregnant, we have put our flat on the market and I have spent many hours surfing/travelling to view houses/looking at finances etc. It would seem that it isn't going to be possible as we can't find anywhere big enough without moving much further away than I want to at the current time. We would have to leave the area and for my sake and ds's this is not a good time to do it.

So, in that case, she will need to live here. She is not easy to live with. Dh will be the first to say she has no regard for others. It's easy to say that she should take some responsibility, but the reality is that she doesn't. Dh will be at work 5 days a week and I will be at home with a toddler, a new born and a 20 year old in the middle of a life crisis that she won't be doing much about.

After a lot of soul searching I am at the stage where I really don't think I can take all of this on. A lot of people say "oh, we all manage" but I have a history of not quite managing and I am concerned about my welfare and that of my dcs. Dh thinks I am being selfish and unreasonable and that I am asking him to reject his daughter. I am not but we can't find a middle ground. At the moment, I can't see a way forward and am at my wits end.

Everyone in RL is telling me I can't take this on but dh is adamant I should.

Any advice would be welcome (and thank you for even reading this far!)

It seems unfair you're bearing all the worry about DSD, when her mother has washed her hands of her. Is she (ie her mother) living alone? Why does your DH think you should take her on when you live in a crowded flat, while her mother has all that space to herself!
Okay, none of you are responsible for her at this stage of her life, but it's her mother she should stay with if she needs to stay somewhere.

But they have to become adults sometime.
I was reposible or my mum until she passed away, I didn't expet her to be responsible for me.

They have to grow up at some point, although agree that 20 is quite young

i dont have experience with stepchildren but i do think sometimes that being there too much can do more harm than good.

my cousin moved in with my aunt and maybe i was jealous in a way because i never had the choice of anything to go back to. i was told in no uncertain terms when i left home at 18 that there would be no coming back, despite the fact my mum and stepfather had a four bedroomed property for the two of them. whatever happened, i had to try and make it work out somehow. i dont think mum would have seen me homeless, but other than that it was up to me. she helped me out with money and furniture (that is for necessities, not frivolities)(sp?) which of course i was grateful for.

i actually think that was a good thing because i learnt to stand on my own two feet. my cousin however, has been mollycoddled by my aunt for some years, has never shown any appreciation at all and was very difficult to live with. she ran up huge debts and they paid them off for her to run up some more. she never even bought a nappy for her daughter and lived rent free. they bought her clothes, her dd's clothes, mobile phones, drove her here there and everywhere. the money she earnt at work was hers to spend and she still asked for more. she would throw a strop if she didnt get her own way. she's in her late 20's now and i dread to think how she would ever survive in the real world. as great as they have been to her, i dont think its done her any favours. (of course, i am not saying your dsd is like this, its just an example).

i think that any parent should always be there for their kids, no matter how old they are but not to the point where it will be impossible for that "kid" to be able to survive independantly. maybe you could put her up for a while (which will be a squash) and at the same time help her as much as you can to find her own place and get herself together. (there's a cheesy saying i want to quote here but cant think for the life of me what it is). your dh should be there for his daughter, without a doubt, but he should be considering your needs as a family too. really feel for you and hope you work things out.

(hope you dont mind a non-stepparent trying to give you advice btw, was just thinking of the situation with my aunt and cousin and how unhappy it made my aunt).

sKerryMum, Okay I agree it's nice for children to always have a base no matter what age they are, but some are irresponsible and continue to take advantage of their parent's good nature like this 20-year-old. If you give an inch, they take a mile.

Thanks for the reassurances about no.2! I had ds at 35 so he was a bit of a shock to my old system!

Right, with all your help and advice I think what I need to do is becoming clear. I think that I just need to hang on and allow the facts of the situation to speak for themselves. I believe that while having a cute baby brother/sister is nice, the reality of the situation is that she will, in her own way, find it hard too. Ds's cuteness wore a bit thin when she stayed recently when she had a glimpse of how much a toddler wants/needs.

My primary purpose is to ensure that my dc's are ok and have a mummy who is managing. I think I need to leave the decision making to dh. I also think he is allowing me to voice all the potential difficulties at this stage, which then enables him to blame me for pointing out this might be too difficult (we have had all this today, "alright then, I will tell her she has nowhere to go as you don't want her here" etc etc).

I feel very hurt and let down that I am being flamed by him for how I feel but I can't change his reaction to that so just need to accept it is grounded in his anxieties etc.

Thank you all so much for your support. I really thought I might get one or two replies at most!!!

Message withdrawn

Reading this thread reminded me a lot of my cousin who in short likes to make adult decisions btu not accept or face the adult consequneces. she has spent the last 2 years dropping out of one thing and another - various college courses, trainnee ship, job and then spent several months doing b*gger all and compaining that she hasnt any money and being handed it by her mum! Much of this is due to her relationship with her mum and the way she has always been able to do, pretty much as she wants becuase of mums guilt.

What kind of rel. does your dh have with her? could they sit down and talk abotu the practiclities before she drops out - ie. she can only drop out when she has a plan in place for what she will do next? if reminded of those days when she stayed at your house and was woken by the baby - how would she react when day-to-day life with a newborn was outlined. I think your dh is in a hard palce...doesnt want to reject his daughter....i dont think he is BTW. and so finids it difficult to see past that. So maybe it would be better to try and get DSD to se the bigger picture.

Does that make any sense?

BTW - i too have a ss and whilst he is much younger, still find there arevarious emotional issues which make life hard.

Have to add. My sister was a "difficult" person to live with, with a lot of emotional problems.

She ran rings round my mum, who did everything for her. It did neither my mum, or her any favours. My mum died at age 85 worrying about her, as she had never learnt to stand on her own two feet.

poor you beansprout. I just wanted to say that even if no 2 is a breeze you will still be gaga from the sleep deprivation for the first few months (10mths with DD actually). It will be even more stressful if you are also dealing with difficult DSD. However if she is not motivated I think it would be foolish of her to continue at university. I offer you lots of virtual hugs if not much actual advice!

Whether she drops out or not, she will need to live somewhere and university holidays are long.

How does your DH imagine things are going to work during a typical day? She sleeps on the sofa and your DS plays around her? I agree with your DH that he has a duty towards his daughter and he should be allowed to help her, but that is the point - he should be the one doing the helping.

Message withdrawn

Just had a thought - you may be better off if she drops out but finds somewhere to live permanently, than if she stays at uni, but bases herself with you during the holidays.

Agree re the sleep too, baby no 2 is much easier but the first few months sleep is yuk. Although at least with no 2 you know it'll pass

Best of luck with this.

I've not read alla the replies but got half way down... you sy you and your DH already giver her £500!!!!

My GOD! thats about what i have to survive on and i have a daughter!!!!! ( rent is covered by DH) its complicated so wont go into it!

I think you are NOT being un reasonable at all. Your DH is however and is not putting the needs of you and our children first. Where does he think she is going to sleep exactly? has he made any suggestions on this?

yes, support her emoitonally. yes give her gudance, of course, this is what you both should be doing. Actually take her in to live with you? is not possible you simply do not have the room. why is your DH being so clouded about this.

I realsie he loves her and doesnt want her to feel rejected.. there are other ways to show her this other than turning YOUR lives upside down. I really hitnk he is being very blinkered and not thinking about your needs. yu are PG FGS! the very last thing you need to be worrying about now is all of this...

I'm intersted to know where he thinks she will sleep, where will your DC sleep. what is she going to do? just hang around at home with you all the time, with your DC? If she is working, which she ought to be at 20, if she CHOOSES to leave uni. then, she cna find somehwere to flat share like every other 20 year old has to do.

Of course offer her help as and when she needs it, but she cannot expect to rely on you both wholly. its outrageous iMHO... so sorry if i'm being to hard.

Have to say, I think £500 is a massive amount of dosh. You could afford a much bigger house if you weren't paying that out.

No way could we afford £500 per month for anyone in this family ever.

500!if i left myself in a basket outside your door would you adopt me?pleas!

I do think your Dh is not doing your dsd any favours here by not expecting her to behave like an adult and stand on her own two feet. I come from a mixed family of sis and dsbros and the only one who has not ever been settled and happy as an adult (all the rest of us are, with varying amounts of money in the bank) has been my younf#gest dsbro who has been allowed to drop out of and restart course after course - it really has been of great detriment to him - he's now in his mid 30's - still asks to borrow money, still expects to go back and live at my dad's for extended periods. I'm sorry but we all have to grow up, 20 is quite late really, many folk have been earning their keep for 4 years by then, you'll find plenty of mums on here of that age, in their own homes, looking after their own kids. If she has £500/month she's well in with respect to paying for a deposit on a flat, and then if she does drop out of uni she has to do what the rest of the world does - get a job and earn her own living - in all honesty if i'd dropped out of uni i would have expected my aprental conmtributions (not large anyway as am old enough to have got a grant) to have dried up straight away. how long does your dp intend to go on giving her such a large amount of money for? (I feed a family of 6 for less than that a month and we eat well)
My own boys, although considerably younger already know that once they reach 18 they will be expected to stand on their own feet, and yes major crises will be helped but you have to be adult one day and take responsibility for your own actions, and I really do think we fail as parents if we don't allow our children to mature fully into adults.

Oh bugger, sweetie, this is your thread; I am so sorry.

FWIW I think:
20 is a grown up. I'd left home by then - yes I was at university, but I hardly saw my parents (through my own choice).

Second babies are I have to say not a total breeze in absolutely every case: I really really hope yours is, and I certainly found it far easier slotting my second in after my first, but it wasn't absolutely easy all the time.

All in all your DH IS BEING UNREASONABLE (shouts loudly). You are not asking him to reject anyone; you are asking him to think about how this course of action will affect everyone.

Anyway, screamsprout, have you been talking to DH yet this morning?

I have only read the OP. She is nearly 20. She is an adult. She conduct her life as she sees fit. If she drops out of University that is her choice and she will have to bear the consequences. She does not have to come and live with you. She can find a job and a bedsit. Time to grow up.
She will never learn to take responsibility for herself and her life if she is allowed to come stay with you and do nothing.

You are not obliged to accept an adult into your house.

And if you do, you need to set some clear ground rules, she is to look for work, she has to contribute financially to the household, she has to help with cleaning and babycare in return for bed and board.

YANBU - Your DH is.
20yo is old enough to stand on her own two feet. Is your dsd regetting her choice of course? It's not too late for her to change to another course I would have thought. If she does jack it in, you can still help her without her moving in - there is absolutely no way she can move in with you, you haven't got the space - plus it could take months to sell your flat and buy a new place!
Hoowever, your Dh could help find her some accommodation near you and help a bit with the rent.
Skerrymum - (love the name very clever!) no offence, but you do seem to be overly critical of step parents. Yes you do have a certain about responsibility for your kids until you die but you should be teaching them to live independently once they are grown up - do you expect to be dependent on your pareents, now you have a family of your own? Of course if a major crisis came along, they would be there for you, naturally but they have their own life to lead. I think the OP's attitude would be exactly the same if this young woman was her own daughter, I know my mum would react the same way. BTW I didn't get a penny off my mum when I left home to go to university apart from birthdays and Xmas.And I didn't expect to. The only time she has bailed me out was when she lent me some money to get my car fixed, and I paid her back. I was 22 at the time.

I am a dsd who lived with a stepfather from the age of 16 and always found the relationship tricky. It is always difficult treating half/step/full siblings equally/fairly. I watched while he gave them far more preferential treatment - mostly through guilt I think. It has always been difficult for my mother to witness. He is wising up now to know that he is being taken advantage of but it has taken a long time and a lot of patience.

One solution which may make her run a mile but also give her the option of staying over occasionally (for emergency purposes) would be a bunk bed for your 3 yr old ds. After all I'm sure she would love to improve her relationship with him!!

dont take on more than you can handle, it wont work. (for anyone)

explain to dh it will just be too much ESPECIALLY as you are about to have a baby.

good luck.

I take that if she moves in with you, then the £500 a month stops in liu of rent?