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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel I can't cope with dsd coming to live with us. Beware - epic post attached!

153 replies

screamsprout · 20/10/2007 20:22

Dsd will be 20 next month. She had a gap year which wan't an enormous success (did about 6 weeks work in the UK and 5 months travelling in SE Asia). She has just started university but it is not going well. She isn't going to lectures or studying and isn't settling into the social side of things either. She has already fallen behind and this week her cousin is going down to see her (she is over from Oz) so that will be another week where she doesn't work/catch up. This isn't sustainable and dh thinks she is likely to drop out before xmas.

She has fallen out with her mum and refuses to live there any more (the feeling is mutual, so this isn't going to change). About 4 years ago she did the same with dh and while their relationship is good, she has not stayed with us for quite a while now. In the mean time we have had ds who now has her old room. This has been fine with her until now.

She is going to need to come and stay with us during uni holidays but, it's also extremely likely she will need to come and live with us longer term if/when she drops out (which will happen the way things are going).

I am 25 weeks pregnant and ds is 3 (this week). Given that we currently live in a 2 bedroom flat, we now have to either a) move house asap or b) try to accommodate her here.

Despite the madness of embarking on a house move at 6m pregnant, we have put our flat on the market and I have spent many hours surfing/travelling to view houses/looking at finances etc. It would seem that it isn't going to be possible as we can't find anywhere big enough without moving much further away than I want to at the current time. We would have to leave the area and for my sake and ds's this is not a good time to do it.

So, in that case, she will need to live here. She is not easy to live with. Dh will be the first to say she has no regard for others. It's easy to say that she should take some responsibility, but the reality is that she doesn't. Dh will be at work 5 days a week and I will be at home with a toddler, a new born and a 20 year old in the middle of a life crisis that she won't be doing much about.

After a lot of soul searching I am at the stage where I really don't think I can take all of this on. A lot of people say "oh, we all manage" but I have a history of not quite managing and I am concerned about my welfare and that of my dcs. Dh thinks I am being selfish and unreasonable and that I am asking him to reject his daughter. I am not but we can't find a middle ground. At the moment, I can't see a way forward and am at my wits end.

Everyone in RL is telling me I can't take this on but dh is adamant I should.

Any advice would be welcome (and thank you for even reading this far!)

OP posts:
bozza · 20/10/2007 20:42

This sounds a bit odd to me. She is only half a term in (if that, when I was at Durham we didn't start until early October) and you are already predicting that she will drop out. How do you know how well she is doing? I am pretty sure that my parents didn't have a clue whether I attended or skipped lectures, what grades I got for essays, whether I bothered doing the essays etc for the entire 3 years. So I agree with whoever said that she is being mollycoddled. And also with wwww, that your best bet is to ensure she stays the course at university.

WideWebWitch · 20/10/2007 20:43

I know it would be five with her there, I meant four with you, dh, toddler, newborn !

Original poster
screamsprout · 20/10/2007 20:45

Sorry WWW, didn't mean to nitpick, I really appreciate the support I am getting on this thread.

Bozza - we know because her and dh are in touch on almost a daily basis and she is telling him she doesn't want to stay there.

OP posts:
lady007pink · 20/10/2007 20:46

Screamsprout, I had a history of emotional crises and not coping with exams/gap years/life in general at her age, too. I'm Irish, but I had to go to London to do my course. I had to support myself most of the time, my parents sent me whatever they could afford (they had 4 younger shildren so it was hard). It made me work hard to pass all my exams and get a good job so I could earn good money. I couldn't have the luxury of a breakdown, or drop out.
It sounds like your DD has it too easy and needs a reality check.

lady007pink · 20/10/2007 20:48

Sorry, your husband's DD

bozza · 20/10/2007 20:49

that suggests she really is not standing on her own two feet. I suppose it is different in these days of mobiles (I remember queueing for an hour sometimes once a week to ring my Mum on the payphone in the halls of residence) but once or twice a week is plenty.

Is she expecting to come live with you? What would her plans be?

Quattrocento · 20/10/2007 20:50

A 20 year old is still young, don't you think? I would have felt bereft not having a home to go to in the vacations. Even if I didn't necessarily go there, I needed to know that it was available.

I hear all you say about untidy/nuisance/lack of space but what do you expect her to do?

Doesn't the principle of always being prepared to welcome your children apply here?

The really hard question I want to ask you is would you welcome your own daughter back in this situation? If the answer is yes then you should welcome your dsd back, shouldn't you?

Although trying strategies to cope with the overcrowding is obviously a good idea.

Hassled · 20/10/2007 20:51

I do agree that at 20 she should be independent and my heart goes out to the OP - it is a nightmare situation for you. However - the "independent at 20" thing is sort of easier said than done for some people. I was on my own two feet at 18 but I have an 18 year old DD with a history of depression who didn't cope well with A Levels and, while definately on the up, won't be anywhere like on her own two feet at 20. So I have some sympathy for the DSD, particularly if her relationship with her mum is bad. Some of us mature faster than others, and if she has had problems along the way then life will be tougher. I wish I had a solution - and 5 of you in a 2 bed flat is just a non-starter as a solution - but I don't think you can dismiss the DSD's needs just because she is 20.

stoppinattwo · 20/10/2007 20:58

quattro

you should be there i agree, but dont let them know you are there iykwim.

Your kids are your kids forever but you need to do them a favour and let them stand on their own 2 feet but be ready to catch them if they fall. without them knowing ofcourse

Original poster
screamsprout · 20/10/2007 20:58

The thing is, I am not dismissing her needs. If I just thought we should turn her away I would not be on here asking for advice. I really am in turmoil as I just don't see how we can meet everyone's needs with the resources we have.

This all kicked off earlier as I asked dh if we could talk about how we were going to manage. He has spent a lot of the day yelling, I have been crying and now he has taken dsd out to dinner "to get away from you" (i.e. me). Great.

OP posts:
AngharadGoldenhand · 20/10/2007 21:02

Has your dh really thought this through?

Is he planning on his dd having the other bedroom and your toddler and baby being in with you and dh?

Has he forgotten how much a newborn cries? Does your toddler sleep so well that the baby won't disturb him?

lady007pink · 20/10/2007 21:03

Sounds like your DH needs a reality check too. He is being totally unreasonable.

WideWebWitch · 20/10/2007 21:03

Oh don't worry, I didn't think you were nitpicking, I just was being anal about pointing out that I thought even 4 of you was pushing it in a 2 bed flat.

OK, what about if you said to dh, here are the possibilies:

  • she stays at uni, how can we help her do that?
  • she moves in here, not a go-er, do you agree? If not, er, right, and help him VISUALISE where everyone will sleep/wee/shower/etc so he realises it's unworkable
  • we move in which case we need to do xyz and the finances work out like this (and show him how much it will affect your income)

Because I don't think you aren't being supportive, I think you are but he just is being blinded by worry for her and is seeing you as being obstructive when actually, it sounds as if your concerns are more practical than anything else (is that right? Or emotionally do you not want her there? Because I think the latter, while understandable, shouldn;t really be allowed to cloud your judgement)

littleducks · 20/10/2007 21:03

it is still early in the uni year could she look at changing courses/ unis if she isnt happy? Is she living in halls atm or a shared house?

bozza · 20/10/2007 21:05

It doesn't sound like he is being very understanding of your position. And also a bit head in the sands regarding the practicalities. It is a very difficult situation that lots of us are having trouble suggesting a solution for. Why is DSD not at university?

Hassled · 20/10/2007 21:08

Show DH this thread when he gets back. Ask him for a detailed, black and white, practical solution that's workable. I'm sorry that I sounded like you were being dismissive, and in fact it seems to me that your DSD is very lucky indeed to have you in the picture. I keep thinking how I would feel if it were my vulnerable DD we were discussing, and that's valid, but it doesn't actually answer your OP as to how you'll manage, and really your DH has to come up with that.

lady007pink · 20/10/2007 21:09

It seems very silly to consider moving to a larger house to accommodate DSD, as in 5 years time she'll probably marry or move to a different city and move out anyway! And you'll be left with the extra space and a hefty mortgage....

Original poster
screamsprout · 20/10/2007 21:11

WWW - good advice. I have spent a lot of time going over the practical/financial stuff. When she stayed here for a few days recently, she slept in the living room (of which we have one - small kitchen and bathroom and 2 bedrooms, that's it). We outlined that ds gets us up at c.5.30am, that we all need to go to bed early but she didn't go along with this, even for a few days (came back at 2am one Wednesday night, got annoyed when at 8am we were asking her to get up so ds could eat his breakfast etc).

I agree that dh can't see past his feelings (guilt is still a big one) and feel that I am being shot as the messenger who says, "er, actually, this isnt' going to work."

Emotionally, I have always found her difficult to live with. I am not alone in this, dh and her mum do too, but more than that, I am pregnant, found the baby stage with ds very difficult and already have serious (but I know not unique)concerns about how I am going to manage next year. This would be bloody hard in itself, but with a newborn in the frame, I just feel anxious and scared as much as anything. And dh can claim the "right thing" all day long but the fact is, he won't be here for most of the time so it's me that will have to make it work, day in, day out.

I can't, at this stage, honestly separate the practical and the emotional out, but if I am really honest, I suspect I am hiding behind some of the practical ones. Anyone who is a step parent will know how difficult the emotional minefield can be!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
screamsprout · 20/10/2007 21:12

She is up in London for a long weekend as her cousin is visiting from Austalia (and is then going back down to uni with her for a few days).

OP posts:
amytheearwaxbanisher · 20/10/2007 21:16

she is nearly twenty if she refuses to live with her mum and drops out couldnt she get a job and rent somewhere,with a friend or as a lodger or something?

WideWebWitch · 20/10/2007 21:17

Listen, baby no 2 is a BREEZE compared to the first, honestly, you'll be fine. I think you've got to talk to dh, calmly (if pos), show him this thread if you feel you can and get him to take some responsibility for this.

Because you're right, you will be the one coping with it and he won't be there and that ISN'T fair so he has to take some responsibility here for protecting you too. So she breaks rules about getting up when she's sleeping in your sitting room, she gets kicked out. NO WAY should you have to put up with that.

I think you should admit your vulnerability and fears to dh and ask him to listen to your feelings. Don't talka bout her failings, it won't get you anywhere, but he cannot argue with your feelings, they are valid and reasonable and anyway, they are your feelings.

It does sound very hard. I've been a stepchild and dh#2 is stepfather to my son but I'm not in your position, it must be hard.

WideWebWitch · 20/10/2007 21:18

Are you in London?
Hmm, because if she thinks she can just use you as a base for clubbing etc and having an easy life she needs to be disabused of that idea pdq and your DH needs to do it, not you.

donnie · 20/10/2007 21:19

oh poor you beanie. You are doing your best. I am really sorry this is causing so much pain. Your DP is not looking at this clearly or impartially ( how can he when it;s his own daughter) but he is not taking your situation sufficiently into consideration. Realistically , has he fully considered what it would be like with a newborn baby, with all the sleepless nights etc and his 20 year old dd who will not appreciate such cramped living conditions?

she needs to stand on her own two feet - if not now, when, ffs?

sounds like dsd has him twisted round her finger...........or maybe that's cruel of me.

it will not work if she stays in your 2 bed flat and the thought of you actually contempating moving house just to accommodate her is preposterous IMO. She has GOT to find an alternative solution.

fizzbuzz · 20/10/2007 21:20

I think you should suggest she gets somewhere else to live, but suport her emotionally as much as she needs

You cannot all fit in that flat. I too have a history of depression and stuggling to cope, BUT I still didn't want to live at home at that age even with all the emotional problems.

Also aren't there some sort of laws about overcrowding in houses?

lady007pink · 20/10/2007 21:20

Agree with WWW, baby no.2 is a breeze compred to baby no.1 esp as there's a good age gap between them, however I found no.3 much better as I had only 18 months between my first two!!!