Son scared of another child at nursery and they won't resolve the issue

[Lilymads]

Hi all,

Not sure if this is the right place to post this so sorry if I've done anything wrong! Have only just really used this account to post this :)

My son is 3 and 2 months, very social, very friendly, has hit all of his milestones and usually gets along very well at his nursery. His nursery is mostly great, we love everyone working there and he's always thrived there. However there's been a problem with another child - we'll call him M - that's lasted around 4 months which the nursery won't do anything about.

M kicks, screams at and hits my son most days. My son usually leaves the nursery in tears and begs me not to take him back. But M does have many additional needs and is also largely non-verbal so the nursery can't really resolve the problem by talking to M or his parents. I've tried to talk to the nursery about it but all they do is encourage my son to play with M because 'he's trying to be friendly'. I would be fine with this solution if there was any progress either with his relationship with M or making friends with other boys in general. My son is terrified. He's regressed socially, has recently been diagnosed with anxiety and is now extremely afraid of all other little boys, though he is fine with girls. My son used to be excellent at sharing and hugs but now he runs away and screams if another boy comes near him. Nursery is horrible for him and I feel guilty to even bring my son there, he cries his eyes out every morning because of M. All he tells me is how scared he is every morning. There was no issue before M started at the nursery.

I understand there's only so much the nursery can do but it's unmanageable.

AIBU to ask the nursery to do more? Or to take my son out? I'm just at an absolute loss and I feel like a terrible parent for putting my son in an extremely uncomfortable environment every day.

Take him out. Find another one.

I would move him.

It’s a long time for someone that little to feel scared, especially as it’s a while until he would move on and start school.

If the nursery won’t do anything about it I wouldn’t keep putting him in that position.

I would take him out asap.

I forgot to clarify, this is a mainstream nursery :)

Move nurseries. It's not fair on your son. I wouldn't bother getting nursery to try and intervene, they've had 4 months. I'd be clear to them why your moving too.

Would they end up going to the same school?

I would take him out , this could really affect your child if it goes on much longer .

Tell the head you will be moving him and tell her why. I would also tell her it's a safeguarding issue that she hasn't addressed.

Your poor son OP. Really yes the nursery should have done much more to stop this. Sounds like moving him would be the best thing, then he can have a fresh start to get his social skills back up before school.

I’d be careful about the label of him being diagnosed with anxiety though. He’s so little and his reaction (feeling anxious) when he knows he’s going somewhere where someone is going to be nasty to him is a very normal response. Hopefully there won’t be any anxiety long term once this is resolved.

Move him, poor little chap. If nursery won’t act to protect your DS, you will have to.

Move him, it sounds like the nursery is failing both boys but you need to protect yours so if it’s not a safe environment for him you need to move him

Is that some sort of joke.

So the nursery expect your kid to be M's punch bag?

I'd be either taking him out or teaching him to hit back.

Is it linked to the school he will be attending? If so I’d be very concerned M will become a long term problem.

In the short term YES STOP SENDING HIM ffs your DS is living in fear for his safety every day and begging you to help...and you’re just sending him back.

Yep move him ASAP. Be very clear why.
You are not moving because of M, you are moving because nursery have failed to keep your son safe.

I'd move him too OP. I really don't understand why nurseries/parents allow this to go on just because the other child has additional needs

@ivfbeenbusy

I'd move him too OP. I really don't understand why nurseries/parents allow this to go on just because the other child has additional needs

Because getting extra funding is very hard as they really have to prove there is a special need not just poor behaviour. Without the funding they can't employ an extra person to work 1-1 with the child.

It is also very unfair on M not to be getting the support they require.

It is a lose-lose-lose situation, for the nursery, for M, and for the other children. The only people who even slightly 'win' are the parents of M who get some respite, and get the chance to prove a need for extra support before M starts school.

That nursery is atrocious. If a child is hitting another child, you keep them apart, not force them together. How hard is it going to be to find a new nursery? Big hugs, as this is making life a lot harder for you both.

Oh your poor son, how awful that he has been diagnosed with anxiety too. I’d take him out of the nursery if you can.

Is it linked to the school he is attending? If so I wouldn’t take him out but would ask for a sit down meeting with the nursery and insist that they do something, including ensuring that M has no contact with your child

If they say they can’t do anything I would be getting Ofsted involved

It is awful he has to leave a place he has settled.
Have the nursery got a one to one for him.
I know in preschool my DS had the risk of lashing out he was closely monitored by an SNA through AIMs.
I know it won't be called AIM if your in the UK can you search the equivalent.
I'd be livid with the nursery allowing it get this far, if they don't have the support for this DC he shouldn't be there.

Can you not take him out the school is attached to the nursery?

I would absolutely take him out if I could, if that's not a possibility then I would put all of what you have said in writing and address your concerns to the nursery manager and ask them to share with you the plan as to how they can protect your child and how they will work with your child to help overcome his anxiety due to the current situation.

If it is linked to the school can you go to the school headteacher with your concerns?

I would move him because nursery are clearly not taking this seriously. If that is not an option, I would request a meeting with the manager and ask her how she is going to keep your son safe going forwards. Use words like safeguarding and duty of care. Make it about keeping your son safe from harm, not about the other boys issues. Insist that they respond in writing with what plans they will put in place. If it happens again (even once) then esculate further. If it is part of a school this could be to the head or to governers. Do not let it continue.

I would remove my son ASAP.

He’s got anxiety and is regressing because of another child.

You cannot change that child’s behaviour but you can remove your son.

The situation has been ongoing for four months - why have you not taken him out already?

Move him asap.
I think in your case I would also make a complaint against them since they have not safeguarded your son.
I'd be livid about this if I were in your shoes.
Your DS is as much deserving of a safe environment as any other child and they utterly failed him; that the other child has special needs does not mean that it's acceptable that yours is being sacrificed as a punching bag ffs. Poor boy.

Why should your son move and not that child? Is there somewhere you could report the nursery for failing to safeguard your ds. The additional needs is not your problem to have to just put up with. Your poor ds.
I really would make a big issue of this with the school.