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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son scared of another child at nursery and they won't resolve the issue

115 replies

Lilymads · 02/12/2020 10:16

Hi all,

Not sure if this is the right place to post this so sorry if I've done anything wrong! Have only just really used this account to post this :)

My son is 3 and 2 months, very social, very friendly, has hit all of his milestones and usually gets along very well at his nursery. His nursery is mostly great, we love everyone working there and he's always thrived there. However there's been a problem with another child - we'll call him M - that's lasted around 4 months which the nursery won't do anything about.

M kicks, screams at and hits my son most days. My son usually leaves the nursery in tears and begs me not to take him back. But M does have many additional needs and is also largely non-verbal so the nursery can't really resolve the problem by talking to M or his parents. I've tried to talk to the nursery about it but all they do is encourage my son to play with M because 'he's trying to be friendly'. I would be fine with this solution if there was any progress either with his relationship with M or making friends with other boys in general. My son is terrified. He's regressed socially, has recently been diagnosed with anxiety and is now extremely afraid of all other little boys, though he is fine with girls. My son used to be excellent at sharing and hugs but now he runs away and screams if another boy comes near him. Nursery is horrible for him and I feel guilty to even bring my son there, he cries his eyes out every morning because of M. All he tells me is how scared he is every morning. There was no issue before M started at the nursery.

I understand there's only so much the nursery can do but it's unmanageable.

AIBU to ask the nursery to do more? Or to take my son out? I'm just at an absolute loss and I feel like a terrible parent for putting my son in an extremely uncomfortable environment every day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilymads · 02/12/2020 10:51

Thank you all. You've really helped me clear my mind. I understand why some of you might be confused as to why I still bring my son in and honestly I realise now that my friends and family have been largely unsupportive of my concerns and the nursery has too.

I'm unsure about whether he'll meet M again at school, there's lots of primary schools and nurseries in my area so I wouldn't be able to guess.

@PinkPlantCase, yes I am cautious about the anxiety label, I don't believe there is anything causing it aside from M. I added that just to explain how serious the problem was for my son. I think he'll thrive again in a different environment.

I do feel guilty, I am trying to do the best for my son every day and I was too influenced by the negativity towards my opinions I hear irl. I will take my son out of that nursery ASAP and make sure that he feels every bit as safe and loved as he deserves to be. It's a sad situation for M as well, I feel deeply for him and his parents and everyone trying to manage it all.

Once again, thank you very much :)

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 02/12/2020 10:52

@JillofTrades

Because OP has more control over her own child than another.

Nurseries can’t just move on a child because they have Extra needs

Dragongirl10 · 02/12/2020 10:53

I would have removed him the first time he begged not to go in and am astounded that you are still taking him.

He is only 3, and is dependent on you making the best decision for him.

Unfortunately you cannot force the nursery to remove the other child, but you can take your son out of this situation asap.

LaBellina · 02/12/2020 10:54

[quote OverTheRainbow88]@JillofTrades

Because OP has more control over her own child than another.

Nurseries can’t just move on a child because they have Extra needs[/quote]
I do wonder what will happen if after your DS moves to another nursery, M. will start doing this to another child.

That's why I definetly would complain, to make sure they take safe guarding more seriously.

fullofhope100 · 02/12/2020 10:54

Oh how awful Sad

Take him out asap OP and tell the nursery exactly why.
Hope you find another nursery/childcare very soon. Flowers xxx

Original poster
Lilymads · 02/12/2020 10:55

I should have removed him earlier, I didn't have the option to do it immediately unfortunately because I didn't have any other childcare options. I'm now saying f*ck it because nothing is worth this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilymads · 02/12/2020 10:56

And yes, I will make it extremely clear in yet another meeting with the manager exactly what the issue is before I take my son out. It's horrible for everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilymads · 02/12/2020 10:58

Trust me, it has been 4 months of discussions with the managers and they were very reassuring. But the problem has been getting worse and the begging only began last week. I'm going to try to make it up to my son now.

OP posts:
liveitwell · 02/12/2020 11:02

I would take him out if it's an option. It's gotten to quite a bad stage already, I wouldn't leave it much longer.

It must be difficult when there are additional needs as while everyone deserves to play in a safe environment, the little lad (and his parents) also deserve a chance of normality and childcare.

I hope your son is feeling better soon.

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 02/12/2020 11:02

I understand why some of you might be confused as to why I still bring my son in and honestly I realise now that my friends and family have been largely unsupportive of my concerns and the nursery has too.

Dd1 was only happy in preschool three days when another child - month later birthday different school year was in - and I had the same RL reaction my my concerns. There wasn't anything phycial with her which I think would have made it more clear cut decision wise more being left out and possibly subtly picked on though as wasn't there can't be sure.

I had a new baby and toddler as well and everyone said I was being over protective and seeing probems that weren't there.

She went to Primary school and had a great reception year - and I realised I should have moved her. Everyone then change their tune and it was all my fault she'd been unhappy previous year and I should have moved her Hmm.

Move him and try and trust your instincts going forward.

TiredMamof2 · 02/12/2020 11:02

I’m a nursery teacher and can say this is 100% not acceptable. Yes it is hard to manage children with complex needs like this but it doesn’t mean the child should be allowed to hurt any of the other children. They should have someone with that child 1:1 whether they have the funding in place or not. Whether you decide to move your child you should definitely be logging a complaint with the headteacher

LemonBreeland · 02/12/2020 11:03

I'm quite sure that they are failing their own safeguarding rules by allowing your DS to be attacked like this.

They should not be encouraging him to play with this boy at all. They should find him a safe space, or take the other child away.

They obviously do not take your concerns seriously at all, I feel so sorry for your poor little boy.

Nymeriastark1 · 02/12/2020 11:03

Keep at this issue or take him out. Just because a child has additional needs, it doesn't mean other children should just put up with being hit by them. It's not fair on your son so he persistent about it.

Emeraldshamrock · 02/12/2020 11:04

I'd definitely complain to some official body if there is one once you move your DS.
This won't stop some SEN DC focus a target on a DC they should remove the victim child from their sights at all costs.

Nymeriastark1 · 02/12/2020 11:04

*be

Starlight39 · 02/12/2020 11:04

Another vote to say just remove him ASAP. If there's any way you can, stop sending him immediately and find some cover if you need to work - take holidays, unpaid leave, pay 2 sets of nursery fees during the notice period etc.

I'd also tell the nursery exactly why you're removing your son. I get that it's really hard for them with not enough staff etc but they absolutely must find a way to stop M from harming other children.

OverTheRainbow88 · 02/12/2020 11:05

Once my son is removed I would also raise a
Formal complaint with Ofsted as they have failed to safeguard your son ( and the other one).

sadie9 · 02/12/2020 11:07

Before you move him I'd be absolutely clear with the Nursery that your son is gone by the end of next week unless they come up with a plan for an intervention between M and your son.
Also, is there some sort of association that the nursery is affiliated to?
There should be a local branch that you can contact.
Because if they don't learn from this it'll keep happening.
The other kid M is getting a raw deal in the nursery too, because when he or she goes on to mainstream school they will have learned nothing about social interaction.

Original poster
Lilymads · 02/12/2020 11:08

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath

Yes, I understand where you're coming from completely! Sometimes it's so hard to trust your instincts when everyone around you is telling you that everything is in your head, or that children exaggerate... Thank you for your advice!!

OP posts:
CookieMumsters · 02/12/2020 11:09

For all your future communications with the nursery, try not to mention M. It's not his fault. Instead of saying "M has been hitting..." say "you've failed to keep DS safe from hitting" etc

bunters · 02/12/2020 11:13

Bloody hell, take him out! The nursery has utterly failed to keep your child physically and mentally safe. I know it must be really hard for the staff and the other child's parents but you just can't allow a child to repeatedly abuse another, no matter what the problems are

Original poster
Lilymads · 02/12/2020 11:13

@CookieMumsters brilliant advice, thank you :)

OP posts:
Pumkinseed · 02/12/2020 11:14

I understand there's only so much the nursery can do but it's unmanageable.

there is a lot nursery can do. they are failing both boys massively. Find a different nursery. M is not the issue but the nursery itself.

forrestgreen · 02/12/2020 11:15

Is there a room system where they could be split up.
It's not ok to ask your child to play with someone who hurts them.
It's ok to say to your son, you don't have to play with M because he's hurting you. We don't put ourselves in that situation.
I'd give it one final go with the management, have a look through their policies to see what you can quote.
Then I'd tell them that I'd be removing him immediately with no further payment as they're saying they're incapable of safeguarding your son.

TheOrigRights · 02/12/2020 11:16

How did you get a diagnosis of anxiety in a child so young?
That's pretty serious.