Son scared of another child at nursery and they won't resolve the issue

[Lilymads]

Hi all,

Not sure if this is the right place to post this so sorry if I've done anything wrong! Have only just really used this account to post this :)

My son is 3 and 2 months, very social, very friendly, has hit all of his milestones and usually gets along very well at his nursery. His nursery is mostly great, we love everyone working there and he's always thrived there. However there's been a problem with another child - we'll call him M - that's lasted around 4 months which the nursery won't do anything about.

M kicks, screams at and hits my son most days. My son usually leaves the nursery in tears and begs me not to take him back. But M does have many additional needs and is also largely non-verbal so the nursery can't really resolve the problem by talking to M or his parents. I've tried to talk to the nursery about it but all they do is encourage my son to play with M because 'he's trying to be friendly'. I would be fine with this solution if there was any progress either with his relationship with M or making friends with other boys in general. My son is terrified. He's regressed socially, has recently been diagnosed with anxiety and is now extremely afraid of all other little boys, though he is fine with girls. My son used to be excellent at sharing and hugs but now he runs away and screams if another boy comes near him. Nursery is horrible for him and I feel guilty to even bring my son there, he cries his eyes out every morning because of M. All he tells me is how scared he is every morning. There was no issue before M started at the nursery.

I understand there's only so much the nursery can do but it's unmanageable.

AIBU to ask the nursery to do more? Or to take my son out? I'm just at an absolute loss and I feel like a terrible parent for putting my son in an extremely uncomfortable environment every day.

There have been about 6 meetings in these 4 months and I have explained the problem multiple times, including the days on which the incidents occurred and have heard my son tell them that M has hurt him in front of me. All they do is explain that they'll try to make my son comfortable and help support M, the issue goes away for a week and comes back worse. They are aware of his diagnosis, yes it was given by our GP and backed up by a HV. The attitude is that the problem lies with my son as he's the only one affected by M's behaviour. As far as I know, my son hasn't antagonized M at all and it's all because M 'likes him'. Nursery's words...

Yeah I really don’t think this is good enough. For either boy. They’re clearly not making your son comfortable or supporting the other little boy. So do the nursery think his anxiety is attributable to something else rather than his interactions with M?

I do really feel for you, it’s a horrible situation. I would be really gutted if things went wrong at my son’s nursery because he is so attached to the staff.

And to the person who suggested the OP teaches her son to hit the other child... I think the OP has slightly higher standards for her parenting than teaching her son to hit disabled children. Most people do.

Who tested your son for autism Op

I would assume that was the paed, same with a diagnosis for anxiety. Seems they are on the ball as usually it takes years for kids to be referred and diagnosed. To get an anxiety diagnosis at 3 from a paed or cahms, it must be pretty severe. Your poor DS.

Definitely take him out Asap, OP.

It is so easy when you are in the thick of it to think pragmatically it's like the frog in boiling water analogy, it's not the quality of your motherhood it's what you've gradually become used to, but I will share some advice I was once given if you're going to move him do it now, if nursery could or would fix this they'd have done it by now. They are not oblivious to the impact this is happening.
Whether you remove him or not I'd be putting it in writing that you want them separated and logging a diary of events.

I would change nursery. This isn't fair on either child.

I would move him but also report to offstead for a safeguarding issue

Yes the Op said the GP diagnosed anxiety @Pumkinseed which surprised me as I would have thought it would be a paediatrician too.

Although this isn't M's fault, your son CAN NOT be his punch bag. That type of environment clearly isn't the best for M because sure enough when your son leaves someone else will be his "target".
Speak to the nursery again and tell them if they do not do anything about it you will be removing your son.

agree, this is unusual, x2 We had referrals for these things as GP would not do it.

The nursery can apply for extra funding to support the child. They may be doing this and have not got it yet/ are meeting with resistance from the local authority or they may be doing nothing. You won't know which and they won't be able to tell you.

To the poster who suggested hitting back, you may be suggesting hitting another child who has the understanding of a baby which is very unpleasant action and could end up with the Op's child being labelled as a bully.

[quote Lilymads]@TheOrigRights there are a number of other issues that he has in regards to food, sleep, noise that my son has developed since starting nursery again which contribute to the anxiety diagnosis. They tested him for autism before he could properly verbalize what was happening with M but he was assessed as having anxiety instead.[/quote]
Oh I see. It sounds like you have both had a challenging time.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. Children are resilient and even if he's been through the mill somewhat, he'll soon bounce back.

FWIW, it took me until the final year of DS2's Primary school years to figure out he would have been much happier with a childminder after school rather than the kids club. It was a case of "well, this is how it is sweetie" until it became a major issue. How I wish I'd moved him when he was younger.

He's fine.

This is such a difficult situation for you. I hope you report them to Ofsted. After 4 months of nothing, its not going to get any better for your son. They should have done something.

Aww @Lilymads haven't RTFT just your comments but please don't let anybody make you feel guilty!!

It's not that easy to just take your son out of a nursery he's established in when you have a job.

You are a wonderful mummy for caring and have been trying to do the right thing!!

I think you were right to try before making a rash decision but after everything you have tried I would also take him out of that nursery too. I feel sorry for him having to have gone through that but also for you who clearly loves him very much.

Please don't beat yourself up the fact you've written this post shows you care!

Good luck for your son wherever he goes next, I hope he gets back to his normal self soon (he will, kids are so resilient and quick to forget 😊)

❤️❤️❤️

As a pp said I'd also contact Ofsted and explain that they couldn't keep your child safe. My daughter was bitten a couple of times by a child with SEN however they listened when I voiced my concerns and it never happened again. He also now has a one-to-one carer.

Take him out and report the nursery.

@x2boys sorry I wasnt clear, talking to lots of people and and drafting emails!

HV and GP suggested possible autism, was referred to CAHMS a fair while ago, CAHMS said they had no concerns. Went back to the GP as he still struggled and they said anxiety was the likely cause. There hasn't been any action taken in regards to treatment as he is so young but all care providers and family are aware.

@Cheeseandwin5 thank you. It's hard not to be negative on myself when I read some of the comments here. I see everyone's points but I also see that I could've acted before this. It was quite hard to judge the situation as I was trying to figure out how much of it was my son not handling regular conflict or me making the issue larger than it was because the nursery was so lax.

I've never been referred to a paed, unfortunately. Doctors have been useless here aside from the referral.

You were right to give it some time. Moving your DS will be disruptive to him so you were right to give the nursery a chance to sort it out. They've failed to resolve the situation and safeguard your DS, so moving him is now your only option.

On another note, don't they write up an incident report every time your poor little DS is attacked by this boy? I get a report from my son's nursery every time he gets hurt, even if it's just him and another child accidentally running into each other. How can they send report after report to you and not do something to stop this?

Sorry there are so many comments to respond to and read through. I am reading them all gradually.

Thank you again to everyone sending kind words and advice!!

Has cahms actually seen him and properly assessed? where I live, cahms is for older children and a 3 year old with suspected ASD would fall under the developmental paed. maybe worth revisiting it? It's just so easy to 'diagnose' everything as anxiety esp if the diagnosis comes from someone who isn't really qualified to diagnose this in young children. It really is not GP remit. Unfortunately, you have to make a massive din at time to be heard and referred

My DD was targeted by a boy at her nursery, she was an easy target as she is disabled and could not run away. (He also had SEN) his Mum also worked there.
The Nursery was great though and spoke to us and made sure we were happy with what they were doing.
They were happy for my DD to move from room to room if she felt uneasy in the room with him and she did have 1:1 for most of the time so that helped, he also had eyes on him all the time after they realised what he was doing.
She did get a large bruise on her from him pushing her over and he was not allowed to go near her and the staff ensured he was not near her. She also was very aware of him and removed her self from his environment and was happy to go still.
He moved onto school soon after this , which was a relief.
In your position I would move my Child, you have tried to get a resolution and it is unfair that your DC will end up moving due to no fault of his own, but you are not getting the support from your setting.
Why are they making your DC still play with him ? It seems madness, they should not be putting your DC in danger,

Hi, sorry to hear your son is going through this, I would make an official complaint to the nursery following there complaints procedure first even if you pull your son out of there care. I would state safeguarding concerns as they are failing to protect your child from harm. And ask them to state in writing how they plan on keeping your child safe and others, does M have a 1-1 ? You can not go straight to ofsted as there first question will be have you followed the nursery's complaints procedure and re direct you straight there first call.

@MessAllOver I do get incident reports but only when an injury occurs, which has only happened once with a small bruise on my son's leg. I'm starting to realise what a mess this nursery is. You all sound like you have a much better experience with your childcare providers. Like I said, my options of finding alternative childcare are not ones I can take easily.

My friends mostly don't have children and the only other children I know are my brother's and his wife cares for them at home so I don't have much of a frame of reference

If the nursery refuses to take action, I would move your child to a different nursery. In the interim, I would put in writing that M is to be kept away from your child (is there another class / bubble your child can be moved into?) and they are to stop encouraging the two of them to play, as daily assaults on your son are not 'playing'. It's not your child's job to teach M how to interact appropriately and it's really shit of the nursery to do this.

@dairyfairies it seemed like a proper assessment. I genuinely doubt he has autism, he acts completely differently with family than he does at nursery so I'd be shocked.

My son also has a lot of physical health issues so I think the GP thinks I'm a hypochondriac as I'm at the door with him every month for something or another. Think I was brushed off.

Same where I live @dairyfairies CAHMS ,is for children over six I think ,my son was diagnosed by the paediatrician with autism and severe learning disabilities at three and a half ,after a Biscip meeting involving assesments from portage , nursery etc.