Son scared of another child at nursery and they won't resolve the issue

[Lilymads]

Hi all,

Not sure if this is the right place to post this so sorry if I've done anything wrong! Have only just really used this account to post this :)

My son is 3 and 2 months, very social, very friendly, has hit all of his milestones and usually gets along very well at his nursery. His nursery is mostly great, we love everyone working there and he's always thrived there. However there's been a problem with another child - we'll call him M - that's lasted around 4 months which the nursery won't do anything about.

M kicks, screams at and hits my son most days. My son usually leaves the nursery in tears and begs me not to take him back. But M does have many additional needs and is also largely non-verbal so the nursery can't really resolve the problem by talking to M or his parents. I've tried to talk to the nursery about it but all they do is encourage my son to play with M because 'he's trying to be friendly'. I would be fine with this solution if there was any progress either with his relationship with M or making friends with other boys in general. My son is terrified. He's regressed socially, has recently been diagnosed with anxiety and is now extremely afraid of all other little boys, though he is fine with girls. My son used to be excellent at sharing and hugs but now he runs away and screams if another boy comes near him. Nursery is horrible for him and I feel guilty to even bring my son there, he cries his eyes out every morning because of M. All he tells me is how scared he is every morning. There was no issue before M started at the nursery.

I understand there's only so much the nursery can do but it's unmanageable.

AIBU to ask the nursery to do more? Or to take my son out? I'm just at an absolute loss and I feel like a terrible parent for putting my son in an extremely uncomfortable environment every day.

Another one for moving him as soon as possible and as advised previously, you need to consider schools in case child M could end up attending and becoming more of a long term problem. i would also look to reporting to ofsted as sounds like neither child is being supported in the correct manner. Good Luck

It’s so sad to read this. I know exactly how you feel I have had various issues with other children over the years and am always made to feel like I am overprotective/ overreacting mother. It’s exhausting trying to work out when to listen to your gut and actually do something. We have also had situations where the school are encouraging my children to play with the difficult child like they have some sort of responsibility to help the other child fit in. Your poor boy is only 3!
I hope he feels better soon xx

Sorry this is my fault, I'm getting overwhelmed. The CAHMS assessment was for many issues, possible autism being one of them, but it was largely because of longlasting fear, excessive tantrums and food refusal. They didn't seem to be concerned about autism but did provide him with a referral to a dietician.

I'm upset and terrible at processing information at the best of times to be honest so I apologise if anything I say is confusing. Is there a way to lock the topic? I'm getting stressed with it now.

To be honest, there's been very little communication and follow up by most healthcare providers because my son's issues aren't particularly severe and they're already incredibly overwhelmed with everything else going on this year. I've also had a horrible experience with CAHMS myself in my childhood so I'm hesitant to follow up with them since they largely brushed my concerns off.

@CookieMumsters

For all your future communications with the nursery, try not to mention M. It's not his fault. Instead of saying "M has been hitting..." say "you've failed to keep DS safe from hitting" etc

Absolutely this, they should be receiving funding to have someone with M full time. Why aren't they doing their job?!

Why are you sending him there everyday to get attacked? Poor child. Find a new nursery or make sure he is safe, the poor soul is terrified. I don't understand some people.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP. My son was so unhappy at his nursery and we moved him to a Childminder where he thrived. Could be worth trying to find a CM as it may help your son to get his confidence back in a small setting and could be easier to find than another nursery.

@LoveMyKidsAndCats because I'm a working single parent with very few other childcare options who doesn't want to lose her job and sole source of income. I've tried to resolve the issue many times. Trust me, no one feels worse about this than me.

If you rrport your thread to MNHQ they should be able to lock it for you

@Nomnomarrgh thank you very much, have never used this website before so I'm clueless lol

OP, there isn't a parent on the planet who hasn't made a mistake of one kind or another. And of course it's even harder when things are new and professionals are telling you it's all fine. MN is a really good place to come to for advice but people can be quite harsh, especially in AIBU.

I hope you find somewhere for your son that both you and he are happy with, and that you keep your job and everything goes well in the future.

You sounds like you are doing a good job OP. Of course you can’t take them out and move them every time there is an issue and it was worth trying to resolve it before moving him you had to try that first

The nursery should have a 1-1 staff member shadowing the child and preventing, as much as possible, unwanted behaviour towards other children. If they aren’t doing anything to actually protect your child then really your only option is rob take your child out.

rob to