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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son scared of another child at nursery and they won't resolve the issue

115 replies

Lilymads · 02/12/2020 10:16

Hi all,

Not sure if this is the right place to post this so sorry if I've done anything wrong! Have only just really used this account to post this :)

My son is 3 and 2 months, very social, very friendly, has hit all of his milestones and usually gets along very well at his nursery. His nursery is mostly great, we love everyone working there and he's always thrived there. However there's been a problem with another child - we'll call him M - that's lasted around 4 months which the nursery won't do anything about.

M kicks, screams at and hits my son most days. My son usually leaves the nursery in tears and begs me not to take him back. But M does have many additional needs and is also largely non-verbal so the nursery can't really resolve the problem by talking to M or his parents. I've tried to talk to the nursery about it but all they do is encourage my son to play with M because 'he's trying to be friendly'. I would be fine with this solution if there was any progress either with his relationship with M or making friends with other boys in general. My son is terrified. He's regressed socially, has recently been diagnosed with anxiety and is now extremely afraid of all other little boys, though he is fine with girls. My son used to be excellent at sharing and hugs but now he runs away and screams if another boy comes near him. Nursery is horrible for him and I feel guilty to even bring my son there, he cries his eyes out every morning because of M. All he tells me is how scared he is every morning. There was no issue before M started at the nursery.

I understand there's only so much the nursery can do but it's unmanageable.

AIBU to ask the nursery to do more? Or to take my son out? I'm just at an absolute loss and I feel like a terrible parent for putting my son in an extremely uncomfortable environment every day.

OP posts:
Buddytheelf85 · 02/12/2020 11:17

I don’t think it’s fair to criticise the OP. Firstly, she’s entitled to expect that the nursery will protect her son and she probably thought the situation would improve. Moving a child to a different nursery isn’t necessarily simple - in my area the good ones have a waiting list of 12-18 months. Moving them can also be quite distressing for them, particularly when they are settled in one place and have built up relationships with the staff at that nursery.

You say you’ve tried to talk to the nursery. How clear have you been? Do they know how much it’s affecting him? Have you told them he’s been diagnosed with anxiety (I assume by his GP?) I literally cannot imagine my son’s nursery not noticing/caring if a child in their care had actual clinical levels of anxiety and difficulties with other children as a result of their experience at nursery.

The fact that they haven’t noticed that or acted on it makes me think they aren’t very good, and I would probably move him.

oohyoudevilyou · 02/12/2020 11:17

Yes, take him out and find another nursery or childminder. Sadly some children's additional needs are so high that they can't be met at a mainstream nursery or school. Hopefully that child, M in this case, will be found somewhere that meets their needs, but in the interim period, your child is suffering. Your little one needs to feel safe to be happy.

Original poster
Lilymads · 02/12/2020 11:18

God, all of you are right. I'm angry at me too now. I will be filing a complaint with the nursery, trying to arrange something with work in the time I'm finding alternative childcare and learning from this going forward. I'm giving my son cuddles as I write this, hoping he feels better soon.

OP posts:
copperoliver · 02/12/2020 11:20

I'd take him out this could put your child off of school forever and that would cause you loads of problems in the future. X

toastfiend · 02/12/2020 11:20

I would move him. The nursery isn't managing this effectively and it isn't fair on your poor son. It must also be horrible for you to see him so upset and how his behaviour has changed. I would be very angry with the nursery for not making more of an effort to resolve this, but you can't control their behaviour, so vote with your feet and put your son somewhere where he will be happier and they will look after him. I wouldn't be exposing your son to this for any longer than is absolutely necessary (i.e. the earliest opportunity that you can get him registered for a new setting) as it sounds like it's become damaging for him.

pessimistiquerealistique · 02/12/2020 11:23

Move him. Your son needs a happy environment which will have a positive impact on him.

Viviennemary · 02/12/2020 11:24

Don't send him there again. Child has a right to a safe environment. Nursery is totally failing. They should be named and shamed. And report them toOfsted.

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 02/12/2020 11:24

I'm angry at me too now. I will be filing a complaint with the nursery, trying to arrange something with work in the time I'm finding alternative childcare and learning from this going forward.

I don't know if it helps but over their childhoods there have been other times people have tried to fob off my concerns and I often think back to how I'd really wished I'd done something that year- and it's helped me be persistant and advocate better for them.

RandomMess · 02/12/2020 11:24

I came on to say what CookieMonster said.

It's very much:
"What are you doing to protect and safeguard my child from being kicked, hit and targeted by another child every time they are both in attendance?

What are doing to recognise the emotional needs of my child that he is now scared of other children and terrified of coming to nursery, what is your plan to help him overcome this.

LindaEllen · 02/12/2020 11:25

@Gobbycop

Is that some sort of joke.

So the nursery expect your kid to be M's punch bag?

I'd be either taking him out or teaching him to hit back.

Yes that's an absolutely brilliant idea. Teach the little boy to hit a child with special needs who can't control their own behaviour. What a solution!

It's not the little boy's fault. He should probably be the one who is moved from the nursery to something more suited to his special needs - however as that seems unlikely to happen, taking your son out would be the only good solution. Children should love going to nursery and playing with other children etc, it's not good for him to be dreading it, and you run the risk of him associated all sorts of daytime activities similar to this (including school when it comes) with feeling anxious, and this could last a very long time.

Definitely take him out, but explain to the nursery why you're doing it.

Original poster
Lilymads · 02/12/2020 11:27

@Buddytheelf85

Thank you for understanding, I really appreciate that. A lot of my concerns are about finding a different nursery, the waiting lists are absurd and I'm trying to arrange something with my mother but it's not simple and probably not adequate.

I have been very clear with the nursery. There have been about 6 meetings in these 4 months and I have explained the problem multiple times, including the days on which the incidents occurred and have heard my son tell them that M has hurt him in front of me. All they do is explain that they'll try to make my son comfortable and help support M, the issue goes away for a week and comes back worse. They are aware of his diagnosis, yes it was given by our GP and backed up by a HV. The attitude is that the problem lies with my son as he's the only one affected by M's behaviour. As far as I know, my son hasn't antagonized M at all and it's all because M 'likes him'. Nursery's words...

Anyway, I'm happy to take the criticism because it helps me learn. I do understand the anger, trust me. I'm angry with myself. But if I had seen another way out before this I wouldve taken it, I'm afraid of losing my job because of this but I have to take that risk.

OP posts:
PiccalilliChilli · 02/12/2020 11:29

Take him out, but put something in a letter or email as well as a phone call/face to face, and keep a copy. I might contact OFSTED too.

Thickhead · 02/12/2020 11:31

Move him and complain.

Original poster
Lilymads · 02/12/2020 11:32

@LadyOfTheImprovisedBath it does help, thank you. I know this will make me a better mother going forward.

OP posts:
dairyfairies · 02/12/2020 11:33

@Gobbycop

Is that some sort of joke.

So the nursery expect your kid to be M's punch bag?

I'd be either taking him out or teaching him to hit back.

I am a parent of a disabled child. I find it hugely upsetting when I read these kind of things.

Can you explain why you would think physical violence is the right and appropriate response to a 3 year old with seemingly complex needs and whose behaviour is obviously largely due to being not supported in the right way.

Why, just why? I really would like to know gobbycop.

ShitOnIt00 · 02/12/2020 11:34

What a difficult situation OP. Since you haven't sat back and let this happen with no intervention then I would say you absolutely shouldn't be hard on yourself. It would have been mad to take him out straight away without trying to resolve the situation first.
Good luck.

x2boys · 02/12/2020 11:34

It sounds like the Nursery is failing both children ,I'm the parent of a child with severe autism and learning disabilities ,it's not M ,s fault ,the Nursery should be putting things in place to safe guard both boys .

TheDowagerDuchess · 02/12/2020 11:36

I’d have taken him out already! You can’t have this, OP.

Original poster
Lilymads · 02/12/2020 11:37

@TheOrigRights there are a number of other issues that he has in regards to food, sleep, noise that my son has developed since starting nursery again which contribute to the anxiety diagnosis. They tested him for autism before he could properly verbalize what was happening with M but he was assessed as having anxiety instead.

OP posts:
ImPrincessAurora · 02/12/2020 11:40

4 months this has been going on?! Jesus pull him out of there. No question.

JillofTrades · 02/12/2020 11:48

Definitely report this to ofsted. Guaranteed he will move onto another child once your ds leaves.

Cheeseandwin5 · 02/12/2020 11:51

@Lilymads
I should have removed him earlier

I do think you are being unduly harsh on your self OP.
I think you did the correct thing in trying to understand the problem and offering possible solutions. If this could have been resolved by the nursery it would have been a much better result than moving your DC.
As it is the nursery, in my view from your facts, haven't acted properly and you have really have no other recourse.
I hope things out well and your son can return to his sunny and happy disposition soon.

x2boys · 02/12/2020 11:51

Who tested your son for autism Op ,a GP and health visitor wouldn't be able to do that ,does he have an official diagnosis of anxiety from the GP or is the GP saying the situation is making him anxious ? I ask as my child has complex disabilities and has a paediatrician ,and when my self and his special school were concerned about his anxiety levels a few years ago ,his Paediatrician said she would need to refer him to CAMHS for a diagnosis .

Queenofthemadouse · 02/12/2020 11:52

Take him out. You have a duty as a parent to protect and advocate for your son. You've given it some time and unfortunately nothing has changed. You can't allow your child to be so anxious esp at such a young age.

pumpkinpie01 · 02/12/2020 11:55

Take him out immediately, my son still remembers how much he disliked his first nursery he is 7 now and loves school but still remembers the nursery where he wasn't happy.