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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think exDP should be able to save on a salary of 75k pa

118 replies

Waferbiscuit · 30/11/2020 17:01

I am on friendly terms with my ExDP and have been nagging him about putting away savings - mostly because I don't want him to be poor in old age and for our DCs to have the financial and emotional burden of dealing with that.

He is late 50s and makes 75k pa but claims that there is 'nothing left at the end of the month' and therefore can't put any away in savings.

Given his salary he takes home about 4000 pds/month. He is mortgage free, lives alone and I know he puts nothing into his pension (argh!) so his outgoings, as far as I can work out they should probably be:

500pds - household bills (sky, gas, elec, council tax)
300pds - groceries (a lot for one person)
400pds - paying off credit card bills
500 pds - entertainment, gym membership, clothes
800 - maintenance to us
TOTAL 2500/month

So WTAF does he do with the rest of his money? He thinks I am BU for suggesting he should have money left over. I think he is reckless and childish (as he doesn't even track his incomings/outgoings) and thoughtless for not thinking about the future, impact on his children etc.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 30/11/2020 17:05

well obviously you'll be told its none of your business but leaving that aside, I can only imagine he fritters it away on nice take-outs, hobbies, whatever. Its foolish not to have a pension but if he is mortgage free he may be relying on that asset to fund his retiremnt. Ultimately, you don't know all his finances, he hs no reason to tell you the ins and outs, so I wouldn't worry about it so long as he is keeping up the maintenance.

Cherrytreepuddle · 30/11/2020 17:06

Of course you're right, but as he's an ex you have absolutely no right or reason to tell him what to do with his money, providing you're getting maintenance.

vanillandhoney · 30/11/2020 17:06

In the nicest way, why do you know so much about his finances?

He may well have savings - he just doesn't want you to know about them.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 30/11/2020 17:07

He probably has savings, but doesn't want you to know about them seeing as it isn't your business.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 30/11/2020 17:07

YABU

He's your ex husband. None of your business.

WorraLiberty · 30/11/2020 17:07

Oh my good GOD!

Nose out! Shock

And stop using the DC as an excuse for your massively controlling behaviour.

Meepmeeep · 30/11/2020 17:09

He maybe does have savings but like everyone else here knows it’s absolutely none of your business.

Leaannb · 30/11/2020 17:09

You really need to mind your own business. How or what he spends his money on is not your business. The man will have plenty of savings its just not your business to know about them or your business to nag him about it

Coseynightin · 30/11/2020 17:10

I bet he is not fully disclosing his spend and why should he.

SionnachRua · 30/11/2020 17:12

Not your circus, not your monkey. Keep out of it. You can't make him have sense.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/11/2020 17:12

Really none of your business, you have no right to try and tell him how to manage his money, bloody hell

BlueStarRose · 30/11/2020 17:14

YANBU to worry about your DH becoming dependent on his children in old age if he is not saving anything now. I have a friend in this situation now. Parents divorced. Father was always the highest earner and sounds a bit like a Disney Dad, not around much, but expensive presents etc. Her Mum had to go back to work, lower earner, but was much more frugal. She is now being emotionally blackmailed by her Father, "I am now old and poor. I looked after you and that's why I have nothing now"; however, worry is all you can do. You can't control/alter this situation.

YABU to question him about finances. Unless he is seeking to reduce maintenance or vary a financial order, then it is none of your business.

WorraLiberty · 30/11/2020 17:18

YANBU to worry about your DH becoming dependent on his children in old age if he is not saving anything now.

Who's to say that would even happen though?

And even if it did, the DC would be adults and capable of independent thoughts/actions.

It's as though the OP is even trying to control that!

mummmy2017 · 30/11/2020 17:19

Not your Circus not your Monkeys.
You need to leave him be .
So long as he is paying towards his children your interest ends.

PizzaForOne · 30/11/2020 17:20

Flash car? Far more debt than you realise? (to fund flash furniture, clothes, holidays - does he have any of this?)

But yes generally agree I don't know why you're worrying so much, leave him to it. Your kids can stick him in a care home when he's older and his mortgage free house can be used to pay for the costs.

Clarinsmum · 30/11/2020 17:21

This reminds me of when FIL asked to see my and DHs bank statements, er no. None of your business.

JorisBonson · 30/11/2020 17:22

YABU for writing 'pds'

MarshaBradyo · 30/11/2020 17:22

Yes yabu

Nothing to do with you really.

Noddyandbiggerears · 30/11/2020 17:22

What do you mean he’s reckless as doesn’t track income and outgoings? So what? If you’re not struggling why would you? I’ve never sat and worried about income vs outgoings - I know there’s enough so I don’t think about it.

Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 30/11/2020 17:23

Not to dripfeed, but he tells me about his finances as we are still on friendly terms. He's come to me telling me about his salary and the fact that he can't seem to pay off his credit cards. It's not like he is hiding this information from me. He tells me there are months when he is literally eating Pot Noodles all month and I'm like what?

In our relationship he was both a 'dreamer' and a 'taker' and he is aware that my DCs are due to get a significant inheritance from my parents. I think it's reasonable to try to encourage him to save so he doesn't think he can 'tap' my children into paying for his care in old age.

If we didn't have children, I wouldn't care but we are forever linked and it is really taxing having to deal with senior poverty - there is a big difference in having elderly parents with savings and with none.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 30/11/2020 17:23

And I'm writing 'pds' because the pound sign on my keyboard doesn't work!

OP posts:
Historydweeb · 30/11/2020 17:24

Any substance or alcohol abuse?

Noddyandbiggerears · 30/11/2020 17:24

But he has a mortgage free home? One which will I assume cover his care costs (should that be necessary).

movingonup20 · 30/11/2020 17:24

I suspect he spends a lot more on food , my ex often eats 3 meals a day out/delivery! He can burn through £5k easily so he actually gives me extra maintenance to pay into savings for the kids, he very generous with maintenance too

Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 30/11/2020 17:26

What do you mean he’s reckless as doesn’t track income and outgoings? So what? If you’re not struggling why would you? I’ve never sat and worried about income vs outgoings - I know there’s enough so I don’t think about it.

To not know where circa 1500/month goes and then to claim poverty seems like you might want to get a handle on finances?

OP posts: