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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think exDP should be able to save on a salary of 75k pa

118 replies

Waferbiscuit · 30/11/2020 17:01

I am on friendly terms with my ExDP and have been nagging him about putting away savings - mostly because I don't want him to be poor in old age and for our DCs to have the financial and emotional burden of dealing with that.

He is late 50s and makes 75k pa but claims that there is 'nothing left at the end of the month' and therefore can't put any away in savings.

Given his salary he takes home about 4000 pds/month. He is mortgage free, lives alone and I know he puts nothing into his pension (argh!) so his outgoings, as far as I can work out they should probably be:

500pds - household bills (sky, gas, elec, council tax)
300pds - groceries (a lot for one person)
400pds - paying off credit card bills
500 pds - entertainment, gym membership, clothes
800 - maintenance to us
TOTAL 2500/month

So WTAF does he do with the rest of his money? He thinks I am BU for suggesting he should have money left over. I think he is reckless and childish (as he doesn't even track his incomings/outgoings) and thoughtless for not thinking about the future, impact on his children etc.

AIBU?

OP posts:
GinNotGym19 · 30/11/2020 17:43

Could there be any possibility of gambling?

MyGazeboisLeaking · 30/11/2020 17:43

@WorraLiberty - have you read the OPs updates, that she owns and pays the mortgage on the house ex-DH lives in.

Puts a different spin on it rather.

LaundromatLinda · 30/11/2020 17:43

@Waferbiscuit

So *@LaundromatLinda* if you knew your ex had a history of taking/relying on other people and he was aware that his children were going to come into quite a substantial amount of money you wouldn't be worried that in his head he'd be thinking 'there's my solution'?

When exDP retired my DC will be 19. Not very fun being 19 and assuming your Dad might be relying on you for money.

No because it's not my business.

You shouldn't be enabling to come to you with his financial issues, it's just not your problem.

timeforanewstart · 30/11/2020 17:43

Yoh can be concerned but its still non of your business really , bit if he is living rent free in your property why not charge him rent and save it without him knowing and either use if for dc to go through uni or for them to use on him later of need be
But as he works he will get a state pension etc at least and he may have money you don't know about , plus assuming he keeps working he is giving £800 a month to you for dc which is more than many get so this will help with uni and when he has to stop paying he will have £800 left

MyGazeboisLeaking · 30/11/2020 17:45

OP - if he's employed, he will have something in his pension.

I feel sorry for you. I guess him being a man-child is one of the reasons he's an ex?

ravenmum · 30/11/2020 17:46

the fact that he can't seem to pay off his credit cards.
So he's got debts and needs to get advice on how to manage them better. He's told you the issue, then?

Not very fun being 19 and assuming your Dad might be relying on you for money
Why would the kids give him money?

OffredOfjune · 30/11/2020 17:46

Errr I'd probably just keep my nose out to be honest

timeforanewstart · 30/11/2020 17:46

Also maybe as kids get older of situation is still same teAch them to be good with money and tell them they are under no obligation to help finance their dad and explain but ultimately it will still be there decision

PatriciaPerch · 30/11/2020 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goldenharvest · 30/11/2020 17:50

His finances are none of your business so you need to keep out of it. If he talks to you about his finances, sit down with him and see where the money is going and try to help him in practical ways, like amalgamating his debts so they are easier to pay. If he refuses to do this, tell him never again to mention his financial situation to you again, and stick to that.

What happens in the future is out of your control, whether that is to do with your DC or pensions.

MyGazeboisLeaking · 30/11/2020 17:50

@PatriciaPerch

if he owns a house and has a pension, he should be ok surely? not poverty stricken? and yes, it isn't any of your business if he spends the rest of his earnings on stars wars figures or even beer and takeaways as long as he is paying maintenance to his children and having some sort of normal, loving relationship with them?

He doesn't own a house OR have a pension, @PatriciaPerch -
It's OPs house, she is paying his mortgage.

WorraLiberty · 30/11/2020 17:51

[quote MyGazeboisLeaking]@WorraLiberty - have you read the OPs updates, that she owns and pays the mortgage on the house ex-DH lives in.

Puts a different spin on it rather.[/quote]
Yes I read the huge drip feed

But the OP is still trying to control her future adult children and what they may or may not decide to do with their money also.

It's batshit.

BillMasen · 30/11/2020 17:51

Ok so having seen the update that you own the house and that’s why he has no mortgage, yeah it’s your business. If he’s not paying you fair rent as he’s skint that’s out of order. He should stand on his own feet financially. Then it’s his business...

Noddyandbiggerears · 30/11/2020 17:52

If you own the house that’s a bit different. What’s the long term plan? Why are you paying the mortgage?

BlueStarRose · 30/11/2020 17:53

OP as mentioned you can't change your ex. If he's one of life's takers then he's unlikely to change.

Your children's inheritance has that come about now or is this on basis an elderly relative will probably have died by then? If the later then there is something you could possibly do about that, sit down with relative and an IFA, and look at ways to put the money in some sort of Trust so your DP could not have access to it.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/11/2020 17:54

@vanillandhoney

In the nicest way, why do you know so much about his finances?

He may well have savings - he just doesn't want you to know about them.

I would suggest the 300/month for food was probably low - if he’s getting coffees, lunch out, restaurant meals and takeaways etc. a lot. it would be fairly easy to spend 500/week if you never cooked for yourself and drank most nights. But Then you say He lives on pot noodles for a month, so that seems less likely. And in the pandemic I would think the restaurant meals, at least, would be cut back.

Maybe he gambled/s. Or spends a fortune on games. We can’t tell you how he spends it, can we?

You could offer to go over his finances with a fine tooth comb, but he doesn’t sound that bothered about it (who, on 4K/month, would not be spurred to some sort of action if they had to live on pot noodles for a month?) or, he is deceiving you about his true situation, because he doesn’t want you to know it for whatever reason.

I can see why you want him to get a grip on it, but realistically I think you need to accept that it’s outside your influence and concentrate on making sure your children feel able to put good boundaries in place when they’re older (something that will stand them in good stead whatever your Ex does).

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/11/2020 17:55

Sorry vanillandhoney. Don’t know why I quoted you. That was supposed to be a stand alone comment.

Palavah · 30/11/2020 17:56

If you are concerned about your parents' legacy gifts to your children being used to support him then you could ask them to put it in trust for the 'education and maintenance of DGCs' or similar.

You DH's use of his discretionary income isn't your business

Bluntness100 · 30/11/2020 17:58

Oh op. How besotted with him are you?

He is enjoying spending up and living rent free, so pleading poverty to you. He wants you to think he’s skint so he can keep living rent free off you.

Do you feel flattered he talks to you about it? He clearly knows you’re still soft on him, tells you what he has to to get the situation to continue, and you fall for it and house it

How long have you been split, maybe you need to seek some help to get over him? Becayse you’re clearly not.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/11/2020 17:59

Hang on, he loves rent free in a property you own?? Why?? No wonder he's easy come easy go with cash

Eviebeans · 30/11/2020 18:01

Not sure why you're letting him live rent free in your property...

Nottherealslimshady · 30/11/2020 18:01

Some people just piss money away. There's nothing you can do about it.

We've recently had a pay rise onto nearly what DHs friends are on. Its double what we used to live comfortably on. They have the same price house as us, cheaper to run cars and pets. And we're getting ready for a baby so spending more than usual. We cant for the life of us figure out how they're complaining they're skint and cant go on an holidays, DHs whole wage is going into savings, half of mine is covering essentials the other half I'm spending on baby stuff as and when I spot a good deal.

OverTheRubicon · 30/11/2020 18:04

Before posting, people should note the buried MAJOR dripfeed that it's not his mortgage free property - he's living rent free in property that OP owns and pays the mortgage on.

That changes the circumstances massively. I think you need to charge rent right now. Hold it in his name, or your kids' name if you wish, but he's pissing away everything and at 50 he is risking being an asset free old man on a measly pension. His problem, but not fair to expect you to fund his lifestyle.

Eviebeans · 30/11/2020 18:07

If you're keen to safeguard your children's financial futures you could be renting your property out at market value and putting that aside for them
The finances don't make sense
He earns 75k - pays £800 maintenance
If I were him I'd plead poverty as well 😂