AIBU to think exDP should be able to save on a salary of 75k pa

[Waferbiscuit]

I am on friendly terms with my ExDP and have been nagging him about putting away savings - mostly because I don't want him to be poor in old age and for our DCs to have the financial and emotional burden of dealing with that.

He is late 50s and makes 75k pa but claims that there is 'nothing left at the end of the month' and therefore can't put any away in savings.

Given his salary he takes home about 4000 pds/month. He is mortgage free, lives alone and I know he puts nothing into his pension (argh!) so his outgoings, as far as I can work out they should probably be:

500pds - household bills (sky, gas, elec, council tax)
300pds - groceries (a lot for one person)
400pds - paying off credit card bills
500 pds - entertainment, gym membership, clothes
800 - maintenance to us
TOTAL 2500/month

So WTAF does he do with the rest of his money? He thinks I am BU for suggesting he should have money left over. I think he is reckless and childish (as he doesn't even track his incomings/outgoings) and thoughtless for not thinking about the future, impact on his children etc.

AIBU?

OP if you are worried about your childrens' future, then ask him for rent or if he won't do it, kick him out of the house that you own but he is getting to live in rent free - then you can get income from tenants and put that aside for your kids instead. You can't control him but you can fix that much.

@Happyheartlovelife presumably you missed the bit where she is paying the mortgage on the house he lives in rent free? Your hard-working parents have nothing in common with someone who is 50 years old earning £75k pa and having credit card debt, no savings, zero assets and an ex giving them free housing...

I’d hazard a guess him living rent free isn’t court ordered. The op calls him her ex dp not ex husband, she’s doing it because she’s still in love with him, and he’s taking the piss, pleading poverty to stay there, with a nice little nest egg and enjoying life. And she’s all flattered he’s talking to her about his money problems.

He’s using her. She says he’s a taker, he knows she’s got a thing for him and is a soft touch. So he pleads poverty, lives rent free in a property likely worth more than eight hundred a month and he’s quids in. So he’s laying it on thick with the living off pot noodles.

He’s not doing that, he’s just saying it to get the free housing to continue, he’s probably saving a small fortune.

@OverTheRubicon

Hahahaha. Did you miss the bit where she said

I'm trying to do my best to nudge ex to save so that my children don't have to deal with the difficulty of a poor parent who will have nothing and the stress and burden from that. (I own the property and letting him stay there - he has no assets

I was trying to explain that I don't have any stress. Not burden from having poor parents. Having poor parents doesn't mean you spend your life paying for them. Even if I did have too. I'd be more than happy too. My parents worked so hard for a pittance. Yet I never saw it as a burden. They gave me wonderful wonderful amazing memories. Surely that's more important?

@SleepingStandingUp

Happyheartlovelife
£500 a month for bills. Isn’t very much
No rent, no food, 1 person. 25% discount on Council Tax. I'd say that's generous.

True. I was thinking car. Petrol. Trains. Etc. I mean some sky tv packages can be £120 odd already.

But I agree. Not paying any rent. He's got it made!

Easily fixed.
Charge him rent.
Bank the rent.
When your kids turn 18, point them towards the rent account (increasing every month) and say, “that’s the money I have saved to bankroll your dad”.

Ridiculous situation 🙄

I’d be thinking drugs or gambling or some kind of extortion/blackmail if he is literally eating pot noodles due to lack of money which he can’t explain when talking to you about it.

@Happyheartlovelife presumably you missed the bit where she is paying the mortgage on the house he lives in rent free? Your hard-working parents have nothing in common with someone who is 50 years old earning £75k pa and having credit card debt, no savings, zero assets and an ex giving them free housing...

WHA! get that fucker to pay rent. What the heck is wrong with you?

Escorts maybe?

I don’t understand why he’s living for free in a house you pay the mortgage on. Is it jointly owned? If not, why can’t you just charge hime rent and save the money for your children (long-term trust fund somehow?) . If it’s your property, can you sell it and put the money away for your children?

@HeronLanyon

I’d be thinking drugs or gambling or some kind of extortion/blackmail if he is literally eating pot noodles due to lack of money which he can’t explain when talking to you about it.

He’s clearly not. He’s just egging it up so he can continue to live rent free.

Op, if you were genuinely worried about your kids you’d charge him rent and save the money for them. Or rent it out to someone else. But you’re more worried about him. So letting him take from you and treat you like a mug.

Why did you split up? You’ve clearly still got strong feelings for him which is why you’re letting him use you like this and falling for his bullshit. Eating pot noodles and skint my arse. You know he’s lying through his teeth.

Stop putting him first, change him rent or get tenants in and then save the money for your kids, if you don’t need it.

When exDP retired my DC will be 19. Not very fun being 19 and assuming your Dad might be relying on you for money.

He won’t be relying on his children for money, he’ll be claiming state pension and having to live within his means.

You need to teach your children that just because someone wants something doesn’t mean they get it, and that they’ll have to apply that to their father.

OP surely you realise that of course your children are going to grow up with the expectation that they need to support their father financially rather than expect him to take responsibility. Because that's exactly what they've seen you doing, and is what you are modelling to them. Your behaviour in this situation will have at least as much of an impact on them as their father failing to save

bluntness I think I rather agree with you !

He's clearly not telling it to you as it is. Maybe he is enjoying making you believe he is hard done when inside feeling the satisfaction of his huge savings.

Next time just listen and smile. You don't care. That concern about your children having to look after him later in life is silly. They will be adults and will either want to help him or not.

I am in my 50s, I am a man. Whilst I am not going to give details, I live on a lot less than £2.5k per month on average, even with six or seven holidays per year in normal times.

Op, the best skill and gift you can give your children is that they are not responsible for another adult, especially a parent.

Show them by your action, stop having a finance debate with your Ex as you will be influencing your children, even if not deliberate.

You are not responsible for someone else, you can't control his actions so focus your efforts on making sure your children are financially astute.

OP by letting him live rent free you are encouraging him to rely on other people. You are telling him that it's ok for other people to support him as you are doing it yourself.

You want him to learn how to survive on his £75k salary yet you are housing him for free.

You need to take a long hard look at your own motivations and kick him out. If he expects to rely on your dc for money it's because you have allowed this behaviour.

Take a stand.

I get where you're coming from. I am also inclined this way, but I fight this urge to get involved in things that aren't my business (defined by my choices not my nature).. but I'm afraid the others are right, this is none of your business.

Why do you refer to them as 'my children' not 'our children'? Your children will be adults when they make decisions about his future care. They have a relationship with their father (good or bad) and that will also inform how they approach it. You are no longer involved directly in that relationship. They also have their own personalities and priorities. They are their own people not your property. You are doing the best you can to set them up for their futures with the things that are within your control.