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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think exDP should be able to save on a salary of 75k pa

118 replies

Waferbiscuit · 30/11/2020 17:01

I am on friendly terms with my ExDP and have been nagging him about putting away savings - mostly because I don't want him to be poor in old age and for our DCs to have the financial and emotional burden of dealing with that.

He is late 50s and makes 75k pa but claims that there is 'nothing left at the end of the month' and therefore can't put any away in savings.

Given his salary he takes home about 4000 pds/month. He is mortgage free, lives alone and I know he puts nothing into his pension (argh!) so his outgoings, as far as I can work out they should probably be:

500pds - household bills (sky, gas, elec, council tax)
300pds - groceries (a lot for one person)
400pds - paying off credit card bills
500 pds - entertainment, gym membership, clothes
800 - maintenance to us
TOTAL 2500/month

So WTAF does he do with the rest of his money? He thinks I am BU for suggesting he should have money left over. I think he is reckless and childish (as he doesn't even track his incomings/outgoings) and thoughtless for not thinking about the future, impact on his children etc.

AIBU?

OP posts:
JaniceSopranoJr · 30/11/2020 17:26

Coke? Prostitutes?

I can't think of anything else that he could be spunking so much cash on that he's eating pot noodles.

WorraLiberty · 30/11/2020 17:28

Not to dripfeed 🤣🤣🤣

Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 30/11/2020 17:28

@Historydweeb - I don't think he has substance abuse issues and says he stays home and watches tv every night (don't we all ATM!) That's why I'm kind of baffled.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/11/2020 17:30

I think it's reasonable to try to encourage him to save so he doesn't think he can 'tap' my children into paying for his care in old age.

No it isn't as it's still none of your business.

You're trying to control your ex and your (future adult) DC.

Iwonder08 · 30/11/2020 17:30

Oh dear, do you have any personal life? You even tried to calculate his bills! Looks a bit obsessive..
Did it occur to you he might not want to share his savings/investment plans with you? Maybe he gives to charity/drinks expensive wine/have gambling addiction.. As far your business concerns he pays you child maintenance and that's the extent of it

TeachesOfPeaches · 30/11/2020 17:31

Maybe he is pretending to be skint so you or the kids don't ask for additional stuff

bitheby · 30/11/2020 17:31

How much debt is he in? Sounds like he has a significant debt and paying interest on it. If he's genuinely looking forward advice then suggest he shifts that on to 0% credit cards. That'll help him shift it.

BillMasen · 30/11/2020 17:32

I came on to say yeah it’s possible to have nothing left on that amount given maintenance payments etc, but then read no mortgage so I take that back

If it were your business, he should list all his outgoings and work out where it’s being wasted.

However it’s not. My ex wife’s finances are her business and she can make whatever decisions she likes. Mine are for me. I know she doesn’t like my cars, and I think she spends more than she can afford on her house, but we’ve both kept those views to ourselves.

MyGazeboisLeaking · 30/11/2020 17:32

@Clarinsmum

This reminds me of when FIL asked to see my and DHs bank statements, er no. None of your business.

Ooh, @Clarinsmum - that sounds like a good story - tell us more!

Calmandmeasured1 · 30/11/2020 17:33

Should he be able to save on a salary of £75k? It depends on what his outgoings are (as opposed to what you think they are). He might enjoy online gambling and spend an absurd fortune on it. He may spend all his money on high class prostitutes or Dom Perignon champagne and Beluga caviar. No-one on here can answer your question because you don't know the full facts of his life.

In any event, if he wishes, he can choose to spend all of his money every month on anything he wishes. Whether you are on friendly terms or not, it is not your place to nag him about his personal financial affairs. It isn't your place to nag him about anything.

If he is poor in later life that is his concern. Stop trying to control him, whatever your reasons. Being controlling and interfering are very unattractive traits.

Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 30/11/2020 17:33

@WorraLiberty I'm trying to do my best to nudge ex to save so that my children don't have to deal with the difficulty of a poor parent who will have nothing and the stress and burden from that. (I own the property and letting him stay there - he has no assets).

If you can see a car crash in the making do you not try to influence those to ensure it doesn't happen, especially when it is likely to impact on your children?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 30/11/2020 17:33

@JaniceSopranoJr

Coke? Prostitutes?

I can't think of anything else that he could be spunking so much cash on that he's eating pot noodles.

That's be my assumption
LaundromatLinda · 30/11/2020 17:34

He spends it on crack and hookers...

Joking aside you actually sound really creepy.

I think it's reasonable to try to encourage him to save so he doesn't think he can 'tap' my children into paying for his care in old age.

I'll correct that for you, they're his children too, not just yours.

I'd mind my own business if I were you, the end!

Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 30/11/2020 17:35

@Worraliberty

Also I should stress that if he has nothing than the burden completely falls on me to support DCs at University, whenever they need financial support. Wouldn't you try to change that situation if it was possible?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 30/11/2020 17:35

If he's moaning to you and you want to help, tell him to keep a budget for month and then come back. Either his debts are larger than he claims, he's got an addiction problem (drugs, sex, gambling) or he's trying to convince you there's nothing for some reason

CabinClose · 30/11/2020 17:36

Clearly he’s spending a lot of money on something he doesn’t want to tell you about. Drugs, gambling, prostitutes.

Harryfrog12 · 30/11/2020 17:36

I dont earn anywhere near that much but if i did im sure it would be easy to spend the lot each month.

Clarinsmum · 30/11/2020 17:39

Car finance? People round here spend thousands on high performance cars. That would easily take care of a couple of grand a month.

MyGazeboisLeaking · 30/11/2020 17:39

OP.

You've not detailed the situation correctly.

If you'd have said 'my ex DH earns £75k. He lives In house that I pay the mortgage for. He has no pension, no savings and apparently has debts too. Should I be concerned?'

The responses would have been wayyyy different.

Instead you made it sound like he was mortgage free and living the relaxed life.

Inertia · 30/11/2020 17:39

If you own his home, is he telling you he has no money because he thinks you're going to ask for rent?

TheTeenageYears · 30/11/2020 17:40

What's he going to do when he has to pay housing costs? How long will he remain in a house you own? If he mentions finances again ask him to send you 3 months bank and credit card statements- you'll soon see where the money's going. He has to have some kind of habit though - drink, drugs, women or gambling to be spending so much money without spending a penny on housing, pension or savings.

Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 30/11/2020 17:40

So @LaundromatLinda if you knew your ex had a history of taking/relying on other people and he was aware that his children were going to come into quite a substantial amount of money you wouldn't be worried that in his head he'd be thinking 'there's my solution'?

When exDP retired my DC will be 19. Not very fun being 19 and assuming your Dad might be relying on you for money.

OP posts:
LyingDogsLie1 · 30/11/2020 17:41

@WorraLiberty

Oh my good GOD!

Nose out! Shock

And stop using the DC as an excuse for your massively controlling behaviour.

Absolutely! What’s it to you?
Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 30/11/2020 17:41

OP. You've not detailed the situation correctly.
If you'd have said 'my ex DH earns £75k. He lives In house that I pay the mortgage for. He has no pension, no savings and apparently has debts too. Should I be concerned?'

You're right, I should have laid it out differently. I was rushing when I wrote it and didn't explain it properly. Effectively he does live mortgage free, it's just not his mortgage.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/11/2020 17:42

[quote Waferbiscuit]@WorraLiberty I'm trying to do my best to nudge ex to save so that my children don't have to deal with the difficulty of a poor parent who will have nothing and the stress and burden from that. (I own the property and letting him stay there - he has no assets).

If you can see a car crash in the making do you not try to influence those to ensure it doesn't happen, especially when it is likely to impact on your children?[/quote]
Oh give over, your 'children' will be grown adults by then.

And possibly posting on Mumsnet about their interfering mother/MIL.

Just back off and concentrate on your own life.

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