AIBU to think exDP should be able to save on a salary of 75k pa

[Waferbiscuit]

I am on friendly terms with my ExDP and have been nagging him about putting away savings - mostly because I don't want him to be poor in old age and for our DCs to have the financial and emotional burden of dealing with that.

He is late 50s and makes 75k pa but claims that there is 'nothing left at the end of the month' and therefore can't put any away in savings.

Given his salary he takes home about 4000 pds/month. He is mortgage free, lives alone and I know he puts nothing into his pension (argh!) so his outgoings, as far as I can work out they should probably be:

500pds - household bills (sky, gas, elec, council tax)
300pds - groceries (a lot for one person)
400pds - paying off credit card bills
500 pds - entertainment, gym membership, clothes
800 - maintenance to us
TOTAL 2500/month

So WTAF does he do with the rest of his money? He thinks I am BU for suggesting he should have money left over. I think he is reckless and childish (as he doesn't even track his incomings/outgoings) and thoughtless for not thinking about the future, impact on his children etc.

AIBU?

If he has no assets and no saving and not that many years of working left, he is probably best not having savings as he is not going to get anywhere near enough for pension age. He is going to need some sort of housing benefit.

@SleepingStandingUp

Hang on, he loves rent free in a property you own?? Why?? No wonder he's easy come easy go with cash

Or more likely no wonder he’s telling her he’s skint. You would wouldn’t you. Obviously knows she’s still in love with him so he can plead poverty and she keeps providing him with free accommodation .

He’s likely got a massive savings account to cushion him if he ever wants to live permanently with another woman. In the meantime he will keep it like this, enjoy his life and save like mad.

Sorry op, if you’d phrased it like the pp suggested the responses would be he’s lying through his teeth to you.

hmm I wouldn't be surprised if he is tucking loads of money away for himself and pleading poverty so you carry on paying the mortgage for him.

Best case- he's not lying to you and has no spare cash to save, but paying his mortgage is enabling him to fritter his money away instead of staying on his own two feet.

This is such a weird fucking set up. He's paying you £800 CMS (Does he barely see them??) yet you're paying the mortgage on where he lives??
Bizarre.

Hi OP. I can understand your concerns but he’s your ex. You have no influence over him now and he has no reason to listen to you as his ex.

What’s occurred to me is that if he knows the kids have an inheritance and you’re well off he probably doesn’t seen the point in saving as he’s assuming things are all taken care of? I also wonder if his debts are greater than he’s letting on. Does he gamble? Or see a prostitute he pays for? What ever he does really it’s up to him and he has little incentive to save. I think all you can do is ensure your children clued up on money so as they get older they can make wise decisions. If they choose to support their dad as he ages with their money that is their choice. If you don’t want them to fund it you may have to have a difficult conversation if that situation ever arises.

I'm going to say gambling, drink or drugs op.

@YoungScrappyHungry

This is such a weird fucking set up. He's paying you £800 CMS (Does he barely see them??) yet you're paying the mortgage on where he lives?? Bizarre.

Yup. So it’s a net benefit to him

Op, you even know he’s a history of taking. You must fundamentally know he’s lying through his teeth to keep the free housing going. Offsets what he needs to pay in maintenance. As Del Boy would say, it’s cushty.

You lived with him. It’s as plain as the nose on your face he’s lying to you keep you giving him free accommodation and thinks you’re daft enough, so in love you’ll believe him.

Basically you’re getting no child maintenance and 800 quid a month for the property he’s in. Is that it’s value?

@headcandygrl

I'm going to say gambling, drink or drugs op.

I’m going to say lying through his teeth to keep the free housing going.

If you're keen to safeguard your children's financial futures you could be renting your property out at market value and putting that aside for them
The finances don't make sense
He earns 75k - pays £800 maintenance
If I were him I'd plead poverty as well

This, why aren’t you charging him rent? £800 maintence is naff and and for that he gets a hike to live in to boot!

You need to look at your finances AND speak to your boys about their savings and how they need to look after it for themselves and not use it to bail out others

£500 a month for bills. Isn’t very much

Just stay out if it, look after and provide for your children the best way you can and they will be the judge when they are older.

He could get hit by a bus tomorrow and it's only working you up. Its not in your power so don't waste your time or effort.

Also I’m sorry. But he’s your ex. He could be giving it to escorts for all we know!

Depends how much credit card debt he would be in £400 a month would only be about £5k. If that.

What about car? Petrol? Trains?

However. I’d do what the rest of the people say here and butt out really

It’s nothing to do with you at all. Yes you have children. But that’s it. End of.

It’s not even up to you if they pay for him late in life. That will be their choice. He’s an ex!! Ex husband. Not husband.

Quite the epic drip-feed

One more thing

I have poor parents. I’ve just seen your reply. Which I think is pretty disgusting to be honest

Both my parents had job. My father was a police officer and they don’t pay well.

But both worked hard. Hard to instil morality in me at a young age. Both to help no matter what. I adore my parents and I’d do anything money wise that I could for them. Your kids if brought up the same might be like me too

It’s not your business. Not at all

So presumably @Waferbiscuit you’re loaded? Because how else has it ended up with him living in your house after the split? Is it court ordered?

But I do think £75k isn’t that much. Pretty easy to spend through it I would say. It’s hardly millions.

My ex husband insisted on keeping the house worth £400,000 and although I thought that was incredibly selfish of him I could not afford to buy him out so needed a small mortgage I could manage on my salary so I bought a little 2 bed house for me and my son.
i assumed he'd want to eventually pass it on to his only child and that's all I cared about.
Anyhow as soon as we were divorced he sold up and moved to Germany where he managed to escape paying maintenance for my son's entire childhood.
During that time he frittered away the entire proceeds of that house on high living and now retired is back in the UK living in a hostel being bankrupt.
He has asked my son several times if he can move in with him and his wife as he is homeless and has nothing. Not surprisingly my son has told him to get to fuck.

What on earth has it got to do with you? You sound very controlling. Why would his children have to bail him out when he's older? I think you're using them as an excuse to control him

Just point him in the direction of the Money Saving Expert budget planner: www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

Then leave him to it.

If he has a decent credit rating, could get a 0% balance transfer for his credit cards?

He may be the sort is good at keeping up the status quo, but would struggle with getting things done like sorting out his credit cards. There are some good deals out there.

@Happyheartlovelife

One more thing

I have poor parents. I’ve just seen your reply. Which I think is pretty disgusting to be honest

Both my parents had job. My father was a police officer and they don’t pay well.

But both worked hard. Hard to instil morality in me at a young age. Both to help no matter what. I adore my parents and I’d do anything money wise that I could for them. Your kids if brought up the same might be like me too

It’s not your business. Not at all

Police pays reasonably well (and paid even better for those hired before 2013) and has good pension provision. There’s no need for a career police officer to be in poverty in retirement unless they had other, unusual, things happen.

@BoomBoomsCousin

Ha. It didn’t in the 60’s. He does have a decent pension. But no. It wasn’t till the last 20 years maybe and he retired way before that.

Ah. Sorry. Pay in the 60s was shocking. But good pay and conditions for police started closer to 40 years ago in the early 80s after the Edmund-Davies report (it’s gone down again, in real terms, in the last 20).

Oh wow, he needs to sort everything out asap. Can you sit down with him and work out where his money goes? Go through every transaction and log them all into groups.

Then figure out a repayment plan, whether that's moving credit card debt to 0% plans, or a savings pot. He needs a kick up the backside. And he MUST contribute to a pension, especially as his employer will match contributions... It's free money!

@Happyheartlovelife

£500 a month for bills. Isn’t very much

No rent, no food, 1 person. 25% discount on Council Tax. I'd say that's generous.

OP, wake up.

Get this leach out of your house and stop talking to him about money.

You think he’s broke but I would bet you £10 that if an attractive young woman comes along, he suddenly has plenty of funds for a sports car, trips abroad, and a lavish wedding.